Please talk some sense into me! Am feeling jealous of ds' peers starting indepndent schools!

[bobsmum]

I went to a great school - very well known in Scotland. I loved it from start to finish.

Ds is about to start school in August and wil be going to a lovely, tiny rural primary with 5 other children in P1.

But today when I picked him up at nursery, one of his group was wearing the school uniform for my old school. I had almost a physical reaction to it and nearly filled up. I've been feeling a bit sick ever since and I can only assume it's jealousy.

I'm aware that ds will get a great education in the state system - particularly in the primary school he's about to start.

Dh and I will never be able to afford an independent education for our children. I'm obviously comparing buildings/resources/teachers/children constantly. I'm aware that I have to just deal with this attitude or I'll get myself into trouble.

Tell me to be happy with what I've got. Tell me the grass isn't greener (even though it looks pretty lush IME)

Also Ds has a few issues atm and is seeing an EdPsych. I'm always wondering what a better resourced, better funded school could do for him.

I went to an independent school and at 13 went to a state school.Was the best decision my parents made.

I will/ have sent my children to state schools because I believe education is not just about resources. I would feel very sorry for the children going to the independent school as their lives will become far more mapped out than children who have the opportunity to go to state schools.

State schools are not second best!!!

Be happy with what you've got.

The grass isn't greener.

There!

I empathise with you completely - went to 'good' independent school on scholarship myself (and personally hated every moment of it as we weren't as well off as others so got a bit bullied by the posh girls) can't afford to do same with my 2 and have always beaten self up about it for some bizarre reason. They are 13 and 11 now and been through state system (small primary school). So far so good, had some trouble with eldest just normal teenage stuff - but nothing like as bad as I was at said inde. school!!
The one thing I would say is that although the academic education may not be as good IMO, they do seem to be more well-rounded in general than their peers at inde. school. Certainly the 13yr old has much better attitude to boys etc than the girls at my old school did.. and little one has just been named 'gifted and talented' so she has certainly not suffered from state system. To be honest I think it's the amount you put in at home as well and you sound like v good mum so sure yours will be fine. If they want to do well they can do well anywhere..

Please don't feel sorry for me. The independent school I went to didn't map out lives and as an SAHM, I guess I'm living proof. THe only expectation was to carry on into further education of some kind after secondary.

I think it was seeing my old uniform on a girl the same age as ds that made me realise he won't be going there...ever.

All I remember is being really really happy at my primary state school and miserable as sin at independent school.... My DP went to inner city state and did fabulously well at Uni, I dropped out at 17 (idiot)

DOing a poll of opinions in my head from conversations with school friends.
Out of my 5 closest friends:

all 5 came from state primary
5 hated state primary
2 hated independent secondary
1 loved it
2 indifferent

I wonder whether the hating secondary school thing is just a teenage thing though. Although thought all children loved primary school as a default factory setting

Each to their own I guess, both my girls love school and don't want days off even when poorly!
A lot of it is about fitting in I think, most of my original friends from state primary who went on to state 2ndry loved their school years but were with all their friends from the primary, I felt isolated at independent school and we couldn't afford the things the others could so that compounded the 'not fitting in'.
Ur DS's primary sounds fab - 5 in a class is certainly less than any other school I've ever heard of inc independent! He can't fail to do well... your lawn looking great and v v green

You know I thought this was going to be a really controversial topic

Ont hing that struck me though, seeing my old uniform on a wee person was just how crap ds' is compared to a nice blazer and shirt and tie. Hideous polyester sweatshirt with a print that will come off or crack in the first wash. Why even bother?

Bobs - I had one of those reactions when I saw a boy wearing uniform for a selective school ds didn't get into - if you're like me, I don't think it was jealousy, I think it was a tiny bit of grief. And got over quite quickly once identified as being that.

More importantly - re your ds's issues - I have quite a bit of experience of this and independent schools are not always better - where additional needs are concerned, they are not nearly as experienced as the state system, and often, sadly, take the line that it is not their business & the child should be taken elsewhere. So the best you might get is well-intentioned amateurism - and at worst ...

That doesn't go for all private schools, of course - some of course take a special interest in educational difficulties - but it means it doesn't go without saying that a child with issues has a better ride in the private sector.

What it comes down to is the readiness of the individual school, and the staff who are involved with your child, to take a real interest in him. Presuming that 5-child class has a dedicated teacher, who's happy and ready to work with you and the ed psych and anyone else involved - you've got a fantastic start.

X posted Wisteria

I'm really very very appreciative of the size of ds' school and having met the teachers (all 2!!) I'm reassured that they're very like what I remember of my own school experience; no nonsense with high expectations of each child.

I suppose I'm also looking forward in time to secondary, because for an average child it's unlikely that they'll be able to benefit from an independent school - they're unlikely to pass the entrance test for a start. So even if our finances improved in 7 years time, unless ds was amazingly intelligent (he's not) - he wouldn't get in, having not attended the primary school attached IYSWIM.

It comes down to our local sate primary being great, but I've got big concerns about the secondary (there is only one with a huge rural catchment). That's only from speaking to current school leavers and half a dozen of the teachers though - maybe that's not an accurate picture?

Totally agree on the uniform front they do look smarter, - although cheap polyester much cheaper to replace when covered with paint/ holes in knees etc

Blink - that's really interesting re SN. I'm very grateful to ds' nursery for picking up on his problems - they're very diligent (possibly too much?) in bringing in agencies from outside. I know that their close links with the primary school will be ideal fro ds. His nursery teacher will be at his school for the first week of term to aid transition for example.

If he was going to an independent school in the city then he wouldn't have that link. He'sd be starting from scratch.

This is feeling better. Grief makes sense - I can get over grief, I gguess jealousy would be more likely to linger.

Our secondary had a terrible rep when we moved here 14 yrs ago and I remember saying my kids would go there 'over my dead body'. It's still not the best for GCSE results BUT they're improving every year and there is very little bullying, for which I'm eternally grateful. Things can change an awful lot in 7 years, including your finances!

Ah ys, finances. Did I mention dh will be redundant again at the end of August. Hurumph. NOw that bit is probably jealousy.

sorry bobsmum, had no idea; that's rotten luck. It's just not fair is it. Don't blame you for feeling jealous!

Don't need to be jealous of me tho' we're totally skint!

that's a nice post, bink

thank'ee blueshoes

Are you a teacher?

no, in the much less respected profession of law . I thought it was good of you to share your experience of schools and special educational needs with bobsmum.

Wisteria - no I don't think anyone really knows about the redundancy bit - only just getting over last year's stint. Just my stupid turn of phrase coming out all wrong.

Just having a pants days really.

This thread is amazing!! Because...the local independent school was holding a picnic today, and it was open to anyone. I took my 3yo dd along, and felt enormous pangs of regret that my dd will never be privileged enough to join these people...why I was thinking such things, I just don't know because it has never really crossed my mind before. But being in the presence of a select few really made me green! But of course in the real world my dd is very happy with her life and her nursery. So I guess it's a normal reaction to feel this way.

Sorry to hear about the redundancy bobsmum, my dh went through a long period without work through ill health. We were very worried about the future and if he would ever be in work again...but he did find a lovely job and it's a better job in terms of family/life balance, unfortunately the pay is not so good...but we do ok and we are both much much happier. Good luck for the future

And anyway, who wants a 6 year old to have to wear a tie?!

bobsmum - you have a well loved child returning to happy supportive parents, you assert ds going to good primary - well done

imo,don't look enviously at anyone else situation - just be happy with your choices

KL

My Ds goes to a church school, he wore a tie in the October term when he was 5 and 3 months. He loved it. His birth twin, (his friend 13 hours later) goes to a private school and he does not wear a tie. So I guess it does not always follow.

We are in Surrey.