Boarding - how does you relationship change?

[Todayissunny]

For reasons that would take too long to explain we are thinking about sending 13 y.o. ds to boarding school next school year. We have a very good relationship and so far he has been a very easy teen. I am trying not to think too hard about how much I will miss him when he isn't here every day.
I can't help wondering if you lose the closeness with your child when they go to boarding school. He wouldn't come home every weekend (it is an international school so they have Saturday activities), but when possible we would visit him on Sunday.
Can anyone tell me their experiences.

"I once heard a child say that their boarding school “wasn’t their family home but it was still a home”.

My own experience was that neither was home. When home we were clearly disrupting our parents routine, and over time I lost touch with "home" friends whilst my relationship with my brother probably stopped developing he left at 7. (Interestingly DMs memories of DB seem focussed on him before 7, I assume he simply became distant and self reliant after that.) I am far closer to both DC than my parents ever were to us, and especially to my daughter. I am very glad she was at home through the tricky teenage years. Not least to support me support my own parents. Though HG regularly advocates full boarding for girls, I am not sure the complex environment of either single sex or co-ed boarding is that easy. It might be easier for boys, but again I think it is important to be around should problems occur as they may not necessarily reach out and communicate.

OP was asking for experiences. Boarding for the right child, with the right reasons, at the right school is almost certainly fine. However there are risks attached. I remember years ago, when asked what the right age to start boarding was, the Headmistress of my school suggested "as late as possible, and if possible never." My parents were shocked, but I think she was right. And I don't really understand the MN orthodoxy that full boarding is always preferable to weekly. Having seen the latter work well at DCs school, I would opt for the latter.

But I am sure my observations will be quickly dismissed.

I can't speak to full boarding, but my DS (14) started at a new school in September as a weekly boarder. I have two other children who are at day school. Boarding was not part of our original plan, but the school was perfect for him, so we went for it. Luckily he loves the new school and definitely enjoys boarding - but even weekly boarding changes the family dynamics so be prepared for that!

• It feels really quiet in the house during the week.
• I miss having regular interaction with my DS's school friends - I don't really know them since he doesn't tend to bring friends back on weekends. He prefers to hang out with his old friends here.
• Because I don't have to nag during the week about homework, we have a much more positive relationship when he's home. The structure at his boarding school during the week has helped him learn to stay on top of his work.
• Having some separation has improved the relationship between DS and his older brother (our oldest). They tend to hang out together on the weekends again, like they did when they were younger.

Home is definitely here with us - he's comfortable at school and enjoys the time there, but loves getting back on Friday evenings to his own bed!

I think that if your child at 13 is keen to board, and you have a good relationship in place, boarding school can be a great experience for everyone. But it does take time to adjust!

Im not dismissing your observations Needmoresleep equally I hope you're not dismissing mine! As I said above just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it wont work for others. With regard to full boarding, a full boarding only school like Winchester is a completely different animal with a different feel and ethos to it than a school with a mixture weekly, full and even Flexi boarding. Secondly weekly boarding is a great option if the right school is close by but for those of us who don't have this luxury; the right school was a a 1 1/2 hour drive 1 way up the road then it had to be full boarding as we couldn't guarantee to get there every weekend. As I've said before on here the commonest complaint I used to hear after the high cost of the fees was from parents who wanted or thought they'd choose full boarding school to then discover they weren't and spent every weekend on the motorway flogging up and down to their DC's school. I really like Tonbridge but we were to far away for him to go there as it was primarily a weekly/day school.
"Though HG regularly advocates full boarding for girls"
I dont advocate full boarding for girls boys or martians I advise to choose full boarding only schools for those who are unable for whatever reason to get their kids home every weekend.
"I think it is important to be around should problems occur as they may not necessarily reach out and communicate."
My DS did feel able reach out an communicate when problems occurred that he felt he couldn't manage alone or without the schools help. In my professional capacity I can tell you I see plenty of children in day schools who are sadly not reaching out and communicating with their parents especially when things are going very wrong. It just depends on the type of relationship you have, just to add I'm not necessarily criticising the relationships of those whose children don't reach out and communicate some families are excellent at communicating with each other others are crap.

HG, OK. Though I hope you can agree that there seems to be an increasing tendency on MN to jump on individual and honest observations as if there is an argument. With parenting there is rarely a right or wrong. And boarding is as much about the right child and the right school.

I would say:

1. Historic boarding is another country. There were a lot of things that should not have happened, though at my own school my complaint is that nothing happened. They were trying to raise "naice" young ladies, and rarely tried to stretch us. From observation (DNs boarded in the Home Counties) the same may well apply to some girls schools now.

1. Boys, girls and co-ed will all have different dynamics. The academic girls school dynamic can be quite specific. I would be cautious about sending a girl to SPGS, unless I was sure it was a good fit, and would be the same about Wycombe. (Indeed I know of parents who were specifically advised by a psychologist not to consider Wycombe for their bright but anxious child.)

1. I dont know if it is just London, but we have known quite a lot of children who have failed to settle, or have been quite unhappy. This includes boys at Eton and Winchester. In particular DD knew several boys who wanted to return to London at sixth form having started boarding at 13+, but struggled despite having a string of A*s. Trouble is that stage Westminster and Kings are mainly looking for girls, and as a result places that open up at co-eds are usually for girls.

1. Weekly boarding is a good option in many circumstances. A busy busy week, and then home after lunch/match on a Saturday to spend time at home/relaxing/recharging. I really do not understand the MN focus on the over-riding importance of full boarding. Even for kids from overseas the problem can be finessed by selecting a school in a town where boarders can meet up with day friends. And from observation girls in posh full boarding, especially those not involved in sport (and actually sporty ones as they will be tryng to keep up club/county/regional representation) seemed to manage passes most weekend so they could keep up with the London party circuit.

But everyone has difference experiences, and difference circumstances. We might have considered boarding for our dyslexic sporty DD had she failed to get a suitable day place. Indeed one of her teachers, who had previously taught at Gordonstoun, suggested she was one of relatively few London children he had taught who would have thrived there. But childhood is short and I am glad she was at home.

HG

I agree that children who board need to reach out. Mine knows that if she doesn't it's the end of her boarding experience.
She knows that if anything surfaces later that she hasn't told us about, then that's it.
The reason being as a parent you need to be 100% sure that their experience is positive and they will seek help to ensure their physical and mental well being.
I think this is the reason we have grown even closer since she has boarded. I'm sure before she'd have the odd thing bothering her that she wouldn't discuss, not always give the full picture.
I do think it's essential, above everything else.
They have to be under no doubt that if they are unhappy and want to leave, you'll be there at the first opportunity.

DS has boarded in the past, for the final year of prep school and loved it.

I boarded in the 60s and 70s and didn't, but it protected me from the worst fights of my parents' failing marriage, and it meant that the it's not fair /not my fault conversations were had with people who were just paid to enforce rules, and therefore depersonalised. It allowed my relationships to dodge some of the arguments that are inevitable when teenagers want to escape the circumscriptions of home life.

OP, if he’s already 13 ...? That might be your only (or main) difficulty. Presumably the new school is already arranged?

At what age do people usually join? Or is the school population fairly transitory - so joining at 14 won’t be unusual. (Joining late might be a little painful in a traditional boy’s boarding school, though probably only initially.)

I’m always puzzled by the number of people who still talk about ‘sending them away’ - when you’d be lucky to get three weeks without the round trip to pick the child up for (compulsory) exeats or whatever.

From what I’ve seen over more than one generation - parent/child relationships stay pretty much the same. (For good or ill!) Family dynamics may shift temporarily - particularly where younger children remain at day school. The boarding child may be the centre of attention building up to their first term - but they may come home to find their sibling(s) have acquired all sorts of new interests that they are not involved in. (Though that’s less likely now they can FaceTime endlessly.)

And you can’t ‘send’ a teenager anywhere. They have to actively want to go! HG might have statistics to confirm - but I’d say a fair proportion of boys at traditional, competitive entry boarding schools have actively pushed for the experience themselves.

Gruach I'm assuming he's going into Year 9 so the place need to be accepted asap? You touched on my fear actually. My boys are one school year apart and the plan - all things being equal - is to aim for DS1 to attend a boarding prep from Year 7 but that means DS2 would need to start in Year 6 which feels a bit young, or for them to be apart.

Mmm ... I know it may sound young (and will depend on the individual child) but, if you’re gearing up for CE or scholarship for somewhere academic then yr 6 is a better year to start. Otherwise they really need to hit the ground running in yr 7 as it’s all about exam prep. (While simultaneously settling in and making friends.) Not necessarily a problem if child is clever and robust and well prepared - but may be a bit of a slog otherwise.

Speaking as a poster who has continually had my honest comments jumped on by Needmoresleep, I would like to say that it all depends on the child. There is no reason why a close relationship cannot be maintained and many children see their parents regularly. There has been a huge change in “boarding parents” and how children are brought up and this is reflected in the relationships they develop. There are clearly unhappy children in many day and state schools where parenting is poor and self centred.

I guess mine flexi boarded. Saturday matches were not for them and they were able to come home on a Friday evening. One chose not to and preferred school weekend activities. The other one came home more frequently because fewer friends stayed in. Both enjoyed school and took part in lots of activities.

Lots of London boarding children come back to London for 6th form! It’s a fairly normal and certainly happened at DDs’ school where quite a lot were from London anyway. At 16 plus they let themselves in and out of their homes and don’t need a child minder. It is not necessarily a reflection on the boarding schools, it’s more a case of there being a wider world in London and growing up.

My son started as a weekly boarder at 11.
It was really hard on both of us as we are very close

None of my family have ever boarded - an alien concept to them and they were vehemently against it but I stuck to my guns as I believed I was making the right choice for him, for lots of reasons

He's just finishing up year 10 now and I don't think our relationship has suffered at all
He comes home every Friday evening and we enjoy spending our weekends together

We are still close, although I do feel like I'm missing out on a part of his life - having friends home for dinner or round to play computer games etc but he's happy there, doing well and we are all happy with our choice to send him to this school

At various stages in his education DS2 had the option to stop boarding or go to weekly boarding all at outstanding schools on both sectors. We visited the schools met staff talked over his options he even did a trial night at one. He opted to continue with full boarding. It’s always been his choice he also knew that any stage he could have stopped.

My H boarded from 11 to 18. He is not close to his parents or his sister. Hardly sees them, fees very much on the outside. I would never send my DD to boarding school and risk what they are like:

Two points Ware that boarding has changed considerably over the last 15 years, the experience your “H” had a likely to be totally different from the experience boarders have now. Secondly my “H” hardly saw his parents for the first 10 years we were married, we perhaps saw them theee times a year if that and we only lived 3/4 of an hour away and even now is definitely not close to them he’s never boarded in his life.
As with everything child parent relationships are complicated and what makes them strong or remote or in between is more complicated than whether you boarded or went to a day school. Although of course it easy to say it was boarding that damaged it.

My DD is a full boarder. It's taken away the "nagging/chores" element, so when she's home we do things together if she wants to or give her headspace if that's what she wants. She tells me if something's worrying her, and has done for all of her 5 years there. I don't think we've lost any closeness at all, and in fact i think our relationship is better because we don't clash over domestic issues. But it has to be the right school for the child. Not all children are suited to boarding, and not all schools are suited to all children.

I think it depends on your relationship. I know one particular family where two siblings boarded and one didn't. The two ex boarders have a tolerable relationship with their mother. The one that didn't really doesn't get in with her. Same with their father but to a lesser extent. I think that in relationships where they isn't much in common it is better to have that distance and independencre.but if you are close then you will always be close.

Does anyone have any insights / experience of sibling relationships if siblings go away to board together? Do you think it impacted them positively / negatively or no difference from if they'd both stayed at home? I agree Gruach - leaving it til Year 7 to start at prep is probably unnecessarily pressured. But if DS1 starts in Yr6 DS2 is only Yr5.......Sorry again if this is thread hijacking. Just that we've got a lot of experienced people on this thread.

Thing is - they don’t go away to board together. Each of them will need all their time to make new friends quickly (which is important). I’d say having a (what’s a gentler word for?) dependent/clingy sibling joining at the same time could be a bit of a disadvantage. (So, in relation to what I said above - changed dynamics at home, with one left behind, are probably preferable!)

I don’t know how one would compare that to the status quo ante where they’re both at home. The difference is not between them but a question of their relationships with their new peers.

Lord that’s garbled. Hope you get the gist!

PS Yr 5 is little! I wouldn’t ...

Yes that makes a lot of sense.... and yes it is very little...

My relationship with my parents improved immeasurably when i was send 'home' to board. My parents were much more lenient with me, because they only ever saw my in the holidays and i did a satisfactory amount of rebelling out of my system during term time.

Having a series of class reunions this year, we are all amazed at what we got up to, and are terrified by the thought of DC doing anything similar.

So I’m guessing, Finally that your parents weren’t zipping down the motorway every other week for school events? Or obliged to pick you up every two or three weeks for exeats? Things really are very different now.

(Your experience sounds rather Chalet School though!)

I certainly can’t relate to all this holiday lovey-doviness ... Full time boarders in my experience still play a full and perfectly ordinary role in domestic/family life during the extensive time they spend at home. Same chores, same arguments, same pizza and X Factor Saturday nights ... Emptying the dishwasher, feeding the cat, gossiping about friends, moaning about teachers. No more or less close to nuclear and wider family than before.

Only difference I can think of - they’re less inclined towards outside entertainment over short breaks and rather pleased to have nothing to do.

jellycat quite a few new younger boarders joined for the summer term of year 5 at my DS's boarding prep, It was a gentler introduction (with the bonus of the fun of summer evenings) compared to the full on long autumn term in year 6.
I don't necessarily think Year 5 or even Year 4 is too young, it all depends on the DC, circumstances and school.
Re relationships though I agree with Gruach that initially a younger one at home whilst the older one finds their feet and establishes friendships and confidence boarding.
IME from relationships with my own siblings (some boarding, some day) and my DCs (some boarding, some day), different experiences and lives are actually a positive especially when they get older and if one sibling is more dominant at home.
Just make sure that they spend a lot of time together during the holidays, including sharing rooms away on holiday for example.

Also agree with Gruach that boarders prefer to have time out from socialising with friends during holidays and just want to mainly chill at home with the family.

I boarded from 13y and I can't quite explain the homesickness I felt and how much I missed my family (I still feel an almost physical pain thinking about it)

My relationship with my sister and parents was never as close again.

@Gruach of couse, "the past is a different country, they do things differently there"

Same chores, same arguments, same pizza and X Factor Saturday nights maybe fewer evenings with school the next morning, so some leniency around bedtimes and other holiday treats