Boarding - how does you relationship change?

[Todayissunny]

For reasons that would take too long to explain we are thinking about sending 13 y.o. ds to boarding school next school year. We have a very good relationship and so far he has been a very easy teen. I am trying not to think too hard about how much I will miss him when he isn't here every day.
I can't help wondering if you lose the closeness with your child when they go to boarding school. He wouldn't come home every weekend (it is an international school so they have Saturday activities), but when possible we would visit him on Sunday.
Can anyone tell me their experiences.

Driving time to get to and from school can be excellent for communicating with a teenager! (no need for eye contact ...)
When they are at home / when you see them, is more likely to be "free" time, so you are not the ogre pushing chores or homework or practice so much. So sometimes the actual "quality" time you spend with them can improve.

(eldest has boarded from 10, youngest starting boarding next year at 13)

Good luck with making the right decisions for you and your child.

Thanks Pythonesqe.

Communication and eye contact with ds isn't a problem (yet).
I love the idea of him having free time at home and not having the burden o homework etc.

Even if he doesn't go I think I would find it difficult to let go, really let him grow up and and find his own way. Going to boarding school will force this, but will it have a negative effect on our relationship?

My DS boarded from 7 till 18, we have always been exceptionally close; we both nearly died when he was born and he was very unwell for the first 4 years of his life, he had numerous hospital admissions, I looked after him and together we formed a very strong bond. In a way we have a lot in common but there are also have a few things that we definitely don't have in common and those things could easily be a source of significant friction between us.
He's now nearly 20 and at university, we remain exceptionally close; so many people have commented on it over the years. We have shared interests and we get on incredibly well and have supported each other over the last few years through some pretty tough times, (mainly significant bereavements) he sent me a letter a few years ago on Mothers Day saying how he could tell me anything, he knew I was always there for him and that my constant love and support had made him the person he is. We have achieved all of this without seeing each other every day, and also without killing each other over our very significant differences. And most importantly I have not stifled him and have let him grow and find his own way. I listen to friends with children who were at day school in disbelief, many are still I feel are totally stifling their children now all young adults in the late teens early 20's and still trying to manage their every waking moment. God knows I struggle to manage my own waking moments without trying to manage anyone else.

Boarding will not have. negative impact on your relationship with your DS if you currently have a good strong relationship, if you don't then over the years I have seen children increasingly grow further apart from their parents when they board.

I lost all closeness with my parents when i started boarding and it's when my relationship with my (older) sister broke down.

Only you know your child and how it will affect him.

We boarded due to armed forces.

I think I get on better with my DS who boarded than the one who didn’t.
Less fall out from teenage strife.
It does affect the family dynamic though.

I would say it depends on why you are sending ds to boarding school. If it's not his choice then I imagine it would affect your relationship.

My ds boards due to him getting a scholarship he chose to apply for. It's difficult at times being the parent of a boarding child and I would struggle if I knew it wasn't his choice to be there.

Thanks for replies.

It would absolutely be his choice if he goes. Our circumstances don't make it necessary to send him but we think this particular school would really suit him and give him opportunities he wouldn't otherwise have. So it is about him.

I just can't imagine what it will be like not having him here every day. I hope the things that I think are great about him will be able to develop.

How hard is it when the dc first goes away?

I was away for 5 years, aged 11-16, and every time he dropped us off, my dad would stop the car on the way back home to wipe away tears (half terms, exeats, the lot). My mother was more stiff upper lippish.

I found it very hard for 4 weeks - I know others take longer/never get used to it. Because my ds had initiated the whole process it made it easier and knowing that cushions the difficult times a bit.

It’s hard the first time they go and it was hard every time he went back to school, it was also hard when he went back to uni a couple of weeks ago. When you love someone very much saying good bye is always difficult whether it be boarding school, uni or travelling on a gap year. But it’s doable as long as you genuinely believe your DC is benefitting from the education and also getting an education far better than anything he would receive at a day school.

My DDs both went at 11 and it wasn’t hard at all. No, I am not as hard as nails, but we got to enjoy our children without nagging about homework and chores! It suited all of us.

Most boarders have a few settling in issues but the best schools are very good at helping the children get on with their new life. As a parent, you have to try and fit into school life and that of your child. If they want to go to another child’s home for Sunday, you let them go. If there’s a special weekend trip on at school, but you’ve planned Sunday lunch - I still let mine go! Coming to a mutual arrangement worked for us.

You really have to want them to board and they really have to want it too. I totally agree that mummying goes on too long for some children. I think boarders can be very confident and have a “can do” attitude. They get on with others and boarding schools are very good at producing children who care for each other. Boarding is something you do for your child and it is something that you must agree with and you are still his parent. That never changes. Of all the boarding parents I’ve met, I saw maybe one or two who thought they had made a mistake. The vast majority were very happy.

DS boarded quite happily for six years (he is 19 now and has left school). Obviously I don’t know what our relationship would be like if he hadn’t, but I don’t believe that it has been damaged at all, and we are very close now. In fact he is living back at home for a few months, and it is really lovely having him back. He is even coming on a weeks holiday to France with us soon!

Parting is never easy, but it is bearable so long as you are sure they are happy. I did feel that during the GCSE year, him being away from home (and parental nagging) and surrounded by all his friends who were going through the same things, it was possibly even an advantage.

happygardening I always like your posts because they come across as very honest and very measured. However that one made me cry!
OP I know you're looking for parents' perspectives, not children's and I suspect I'll be writing a similar post a few years down the line, but if it helps, I boarded for 3 separate periods between 8 and 18 and definitely felt closer to my parents during those times than when I was a day girl, as on the whole, I really appreciated having my space.

Thanks all for your comments.
It's a difficult decision. Even if we think we are sure it could still not turn out how we expect it to.

I guess that we would perhaps spend more quality time together than we do now. But, do the kids feel as if they have left home when they go to boarding school. Does the school become their first home?

Does the school become their first home?

Definitely not! School is school. First thing DS always said was ‘I can’t wait to get home’. Getting back to his own room and his own bed was the best thing.

I can’t speak for everyone, of course, but I would be surprised if anyone says different, unless they are a family who has to move around a lot.

I really enjoy spending time with my children. They are great company. At the moment they’re home most weekends, but in the past we’ve lived abroad. They’ve all boarded since they were young. Now that they’re teenagers I don’t have to nag about homework and studying; that’s all done at school, so our time together is relatively stress free and proper “quality” time - is a cliche, but true. I wouldn’t have chosen for them to board, but frequent moves, dyslexia and love of sports were all factors. I would say we are as close as we could be and I appreciate them so much, but recognise it’s not for everyone and also appreciate what a fortunate position we’re in. A couple of years ago I had a wobble and considered moving them, but I’m so glad I didn’t as it would have been to meet my needs. My life is less fulfilled without them here daily and I am bereft at the start of term (not that they’ll ever know) but they are very happy, settled and getting an amazing education and opportunities and I wouldn’t change it. Good luck OP. My sis was v critical of my choice to let them board, but even she can see what a good decision it was for our family.

I have found our relationship to be better than ever, although we do miss our dd very much.
She has always been very independant but this has increased to much beyond her years iyswim.
You make the most of the time you have together, never miss a moment and make sacrifices of your own social life to spend time together when they are at home.
You have to be prepared for them to look to others for advice and support, although it's up to you how much you want to be involved in their education and social skills and life, the same as if they attend a day school.
It's tough when they have something on with their friends and they miss coming home for the weekend or exeat, but you have to make allowances for this, the same as parties/ sleepovers if they were day students.
It's working for us, but I'd sooner mine be home a bit more.
This weekend is something on, but looking forward to the long weekend next week.

I am with elQuintoConyo. Boarding school may have made parenting easier - DB went when he was 7 - but it did not make caring for our parents when they were elderly particularly easy. A small but signnificant element being the fact that DB was shielded from the family responsibilities of the generation before (different for me because I was a girl).

DB could have become involved if he had wanted to! It’s just that he opted out. It’s not really a boarding issue because lots of boarding children care for their parents. They just get on with it like anyone else - girl or boy!

Bubbles. Not everything historically was sweetness and light, as boarding school survivor groups will attest. I genuinely believe that spending much of our childhood affected the closeness of our family. But obviously you don’t need to agree.

Does the school become their first home?
I once heard a child say that their boarding school “wasn’t their family home but it was still a home”. I once commented when looking round a prep school how relaxed the children looked, the heads wife quickly replied “of course they do you are in their home dear” The atmosphere at a good boarding school is totally different to anything you’ll find in a day school.
You do value your time together I frequently hear and even read on here parents saying they can’t wait for the holidays to be over and their kids to go back to school I doubt you’ll ever here a parents with a child at boarding school say that.

My dd considers it as a "home away from home" or her second home, depending on the time of year.
Home is where she says she is happiest but school is where she lives for part of her life, apparently.

The boarding school survivor groups are self selecting. Today I’ve seen three children who all gave totally dysfunctional relationships with their parents who could cheerfully form the comprehensive survivors association. Everyone has different experiences just because something doesn’t work for one doesn’t mean it’s wtong for everyone else.
Many who critisise boarding today have no direct (their own children actually boarding) or current experience of it, they are basing their views on either pure and totally uninformed knee jerk prejudice, their best friends brothers cousin experience or experiences their DH/DB has thirty plus years ago.
They endlessly ignore those whose children board now and who report happy well adjusted children with excellent happy relationships with their parents often staying at best we are misguided at worst delusional.
OP go to the school meet the children ask them hat they think then make up your mind.

hg

Oh, that's so right, even after 9 weeks of summer holiday I cry on the way home on that Sunday evening.

Have a read of this thread to find out how people feel boarding school affected their relationships. Not all the opinions are negative.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3159792-Did-you-go-to-boarding-school-Come-and-talk-to-me