Death of pupil's Mum - advice, please

[ChipButty]

I work 0.6. My boss rang me this afternoon to say that a parent of a child in my Y5 class had died suddenly yesterday. The child is likely to be back at school on Monday. Just wondered if anyone had any advice or words of experience to pass on, please.

The Mum of a boy in ds1's class died last year. I know that before he came back to school, the rest of the class were told and asked to be especially kind to him - has that been done at your school?

You must be really shocked. It knocked me for six when I heard the news about ds1's classmate - and I only knew his Mum by sight from the playground. It's just so very, very sad.

excellent info here

child bereavement trust

Believe Head spoke to the children today. It is a shock - she was only in her 40s. Just feel like giving the child a huge hug (not allowed, of course!). I do have a good relationship with him and just hope that I can do the best for him. Thank you.

Cross-posted. Thanks, Kristina - will have a read.

and here

winstons wish

all I can say is when I was at school my bfs mum died - the teachers she found the hardest were the ones that wouldn't talk to her, say anything about it or even try to look her in the eye . They just ignored her and wouldn't ask for homework or anything.

I would just try to get the child on oneside and say that you know what has happened and that you understand if they are upset or similar.

How sad.
My DS has a friend in his class who lost a parent very suddenly last year but YR1. Luckily YR5 children are (hopefully) old enough to not say anything inappropriate.
He's lucky to have a teacher who's looking out for him already

We had some training about dealing with child bereavement (secondary school) which was very good - the child bereavement trust stuff looks very helpful

When my DC was in year 5 a very good pal's parent suddenly died (unexpected not illness!). The children in the class were all told but were full of questions and this child felt very much under pressure for a while to explain/go into details etc.

With lads I suspect they will just get on with the important business of football and playing.

Offer support and allow child to talk if he wants. He may just want everything to be normal. He may be receiving counselling outside school.

Heartbreaking I know everytime I saw this child I could have cried for them.
HTH

I have unfortunately had far too much experience of this. Dd has experienced the death of 3 classmates' parents, plus a teacher aged just 26 collapsing and dieing in front of the class.Also the near death of her own dad. I also have a key child in my pre-school who's mum died just before Christmas. Almost all the children wanted to talk, the children in the class and the children that lost a parent. I think being open, not ignoring it, showing you are there for them, is the way to be. Something simple like "I am so terribly sorry to hear about your mum. I know you must be feeling very sad, so if you need to talk, or to leave the class, or anything at any time, please come to me". That way, while not prying into their feelings or intruding on their emotions, you are making it absolutely clear that you are open and there for them if they need you. It really isn't an easy thing at all and I feel for you. And the poor poor child, the same year as my dd now

A father died over the summer in one my children's classes, fittest man in the class, runs marathons. The teachers have managed it very well. It's probably best to have a quiet word with the child even if just to say sorry to hear about it and if there is anything they need to tell you. Other than that they may not want lots of attention on them. They may like the normality of school. Also they may want to know who knows and doesn't in the class - presumably it's reasonable the other children are told. Hard to control what they then say to the child. They might say things like - did you see the body, was it cold, do you believe in heaven, all sorts of things it must be hard to protect in play grounds against. Perhaps they could be told only to mention it if the child mentions it.

sorry are you realy not allowed to physicually comfort a bereaved child?

Thanks everyone for your concern and advice. Computer was playing up yesterday.

Dd1's best friend's mum died last year when they were in Y4. As far as I could work out (from what dd1 told me), she didn't really want to talk about it, asked the teacher to tell the rest of the class (apart from her immediate friends who she told herself), and wanted things to go on as normal.

Recently, dd1 and other friends have been concerned about her, and did talk to a teacher about it. I wasn't particularly impressed with the teacher's response "tell me if she seems to get any worse" (ie "I don't know what to do, hopefully this will go away"). Am half keeping an eye myself through dd as don't trust the school to deal with this appropriately.

So I'm glad to hear that you are bothering to try and work out how to deak with it.

The mum of a girl in my class died when she was in Year 8 (and her father had died when she was in year 6) and she asked me to tell the rest of the class before she came back and also tell them that she didn't want to talk about it. They were great about it.

I was 9 when my mum died and I still remember a lot of the reactions from people at school and what helped me. The class were told by our teacher I think, but a lot of kids already knew as she's died at the beginning of half term and beause it was in an accident it had been in the local paper so quite a few parents had told their kid already.

I really liked it that one of the teachers on duty in the playground on the 1st day back came and held my hand without saying anything to me, it was so reassuring. And ym best friend who knew my mum really well but who was in the class below mine was allowed to walk into school with me and stand in assembly with me.

A teacher who wasn't my own teacher but who knew my mum socially came to see me and took me outside the classroom to talk about my mum. She told me she was really sad about what had happened and that it was OK to be sad. She told me what a nice jolly lady my mum had been and how lucky I was to have had her as my mum. That conversation has stayed with me more than anything. I met her briefly last year and told her what a help she had been. So I don't think you can underestimate how reactions from other people will affect the child.

Hope this helps. I really feel for this poor child (I'm sat crying here). Good luck - s/he will need a kind face like yours x

my dad died when I was 18 - in the sixth form - so older but maybe still relevant.

It helped if people acknowledged it - but did not make a big deal of it. I would have a quiet chat, say how sorry you are, and also so you know they will have times in the future when they are sad and find things a struggle - tell them that they can talk to you at any time and not to be afraid to be upset at school.

You've all been so helpful. Will post next weekend to let you know how things are. Many thanks once again to you all. CB xx

Does your school have any bereavement counselling groups? I am trained and run a bereavement & loss group in school. It is a programme from Australia called Seasons for Growth and it has been so beneficial in my school. I know it's of no use in this situation but it might be something to consider looking into for personal development in the future. We have so many situations where I am, not only death of parents, but of grandparents who are the main carers, as well as divorce, separation, moving away, that thr group is over-subscribed each time.

When my baby sister died the one thing I didn't want was any attention at all. I wasn't obviously attached to her at all and this sounds really strange but what I was most worried about was getting attention and being embarrassed, different and singled out.

Haven't read all the replies, so apologies if I'm repeating anything.

My dad died when I was at school. I found it very difficult to walk back into the classroom with everyone knowing what had happened (my dad's death was national news). I also found it really hard when people were overly nice to me, but then it was also difficult when the issue was ignored.

Sorry that wasn't very helpful was it. I also think that other children can say some very insensitive things, without even realising. I would try and nip any gossip or ignorance in the bud. I'm sure you will do great anywya.

It was the funeral today. I went with the Head and the child's teacher from last year. Those poor children.

Hi Chipbutty

No advice but my Mum is a SENCo and has had to deal with this several times. I could ask her if she has some helpful handouts etc if you like.

Hope you are ok