New baby due - shall I start dd at nursery in September or January?

[Enid]

This is really preying on my mind at the moment...baby number 2 due Oct 12th, dd due to start nursery in September (she'll be 2 + 9 months). Dd currently goes to a childminder and to a toddler group. She is a very social and friendly girl, BUT she has huge problems actually separating from me, almost always cries as I leave her at the childminders, hates talking about it when she's at home, doesn't like any kind of change at all. As soon as I have disappeared from sight she is fine, stops crying and is happy for the rest of the time, goes to toddlers happily with the childminder etc. Because of her difficulty with separation/change I am beginning to dread the start of nursery coming so close to the birth of a new baby. Do you think it would be better to start her in September (hopefully ) 3 weeks before baby 2 is born, or should I defer entry until January? The nursery is hassling me (gently, but still hassling) to decide asap.

I know this is a difficult one to answer as no-one knows how dd will be in 4 months time, but advice much appreciated. Thanks.

Enid, I would suggest she goes in September, given that it can take ages to settle at nursery. DS & I went for about 8 sessions together, gradually increasing by 15 mins the amount of time I left him. It was a slow but necessary process as I had never left him before (apart from DH). Because I think we took it so gradually he settled in really well, and now absolutely loves it there. Your dd will be older than he was when he went, which I think is an advantage as she'll probably make friends quicker and at least be able to talk more to you and the nursery staff about her feelings. I think, that having to deal with the emotional aspects for both you and dd when settling her into nursery will be hard enough, without having to look after a newborn and their needs too. I hope this helps, its a tough decision, but I think a toddler who has his/her place in the world away from mum, before a sibling arrives will benefit you all. Good Luck x

I would try to get her settled at nursery before the baby. Perhaps you could buy books about starting nursery and read them together over the summer. It would be easier on you both if she's on her way to settling at nursery before the baby arrives.

If you feel you can make it work, go for September. It would help most toddlers to have a change in routine before the arrival of a sibling, I guess. There is always the small risk that she might think she is being "sent away" because you have the new baby if she starts nursery after the bump has landed.
And, hopefully things will go better for you this time, so that she comes home to you full of the fun she has had with new friends etc.
Good luck, Enid... I know this situation has caused you some heartache in the past. Nurseries can be fantastic at helping little people settle in and I really hope it works out.

Thanks jessi and angharad (love that name btw!). At the moment I've only got her booked into 2 morning sessions (its mornings only) but I think I might up it to 3. Its a hard one, because I don't want it to be too much, but then again I think a shorter gap between sessions might be beneficial in helping her get used to it. What do you think?

God I'm hormonal today, all these messages are making me cry!!! Thanks marina too, yes, you are right to remember that its been difficult in the past. This next one will be booked in at birth to try and forgo all these 'seperation issues' !!

Enid, is it more of a pre-school nursery? As you say that DD is a sociable little girl she'd probably manage 3 mornings well, could she go Mon/Wed/Fri, that wy she'd get into the routine of it all pretty quickly. I feel for you so much, it's really hard to think they may be upset BUT it sounds like she's fine when she's with childminder/toddler group...Have you explained your concerns to the nursery, they've probably seen this before and could explain to you how they will help, which could reassure you. Hormones are hell-have a biscuit and a cup of tea!! Thanks for the compliment about my name-have to let the parents take credit for it though!

Hi Enid, I would also opt for the three times a week option. I initially started on twice a week, but the gap from a friday to the following weds did seem a long one, and sometimes he was a little reluctant to go back. We have now done mon/wed/fri and its great. The other thing I thought was when I was settling in ds, I did the sessions before his actual due date to start. This meant that the month before was his settling in period. Could you start your ds's settling in before shes due to start, that way it'll give you abit more time until the new baby comes? Ds's nursery were fantastic about the whole settling in time, they refused to take a penny for any of those sessions as their feelings were it would make for a happier toddler once he started officially. Ask at your nursery what they suggest and explain your concerns about timing etc. Good Luck, I'm sure it'll work out fine!

Sorry dd's nursery!

Enid, Do you work. I just wondered as you mentioned a childminder. I have a little girl who will be 3 Oct 11. I work 3 days a week Tues/Wed & Fri & my mother-in-law looks after Phoebe (we pay her). My husband would love another baby I am sort of thinking about it (I am 40) and havent ruled out the idea but how would I manage with work as I dont think my mother-in-law would want both of them. I dont want to give up my job as I love it (I work from home for a Tour Operator). Also, to be honest we need the money. Help!! Anyone else in the same predicament?

My dd started nursery at 15 weeks but still gets clingy and cries when I leave her some mornings. However I know that 5 minutes after I've gone she's up and playing happily - so a lot of the histrionics are just for show and quickly recovered from.
I would definitely start in September, and if you can start the settling in before (my nursery also did it this way) then even better. If she's the clingy type then she's bound to be jealous of new baby anyway, so the last thing you want is to be shipping her off just after it's born as this could make her feel very unloved.

Would definitely start her asap as I believe she will be less likely to associate her change in routine with the new baby if it is well established before his/her arrival. Do prepare her for it though with visits if possible or even just an occasional drive past the location. The more in advance of the baby's projected arrival she is aware the better.

We had hoped to avoid the simoultaneous timing of our new arrival and starting at school but dd decided to be 10 days late and it all happened at the same time.(Circumstances beyond our control!!) Nevertheless we don't feel ds felt especially put out by this as he was already well prepared for both events independently.

Good luck