If you are at a fee paying school, do children know?

[Parky22]

DD is 6 and currently Y1 at a fee paying school that ends at Y2.
I have been to open days for the next schools and a headmaster has said how they want the children to know they are in a privileged position.
Also heard another mum state that if her child gets a scholarship she has promised them 10% of what they save.
Should the children know about fees/scholarships/bursaries and at what age should they know?

anna assessments for primary school will often take place when they are 3/4.

It's really not much of a test.

I think mine began to understand that their school was different when they were around 7/8. We'd go to the local school Christmas fair or something and they'd ask about things.

As for telling DC that they're privileged. Well you can't win. If you don't tell them, people will say they live in a bubble with no concept of how the majority if people live. If you do tell 'em, people will say that you're entrenching superiority.

I've always taken the view that my DC should jolly well know how lucky they are and not take it for granted.

Not just in terms of their school, but also their lives generally. Not many children have their advantages and they should recognise that fact. Surely?

Mine have been to state primary, DS is now at an independent special secondary school (funded by statement). It's about half and half LA and self funded at his school so we have talked it all over, I do not want him finding it out from other pupils. We are looking at state and private secondary for DD, cost is a factor and we have been open about that too (she has asked how much) because again the last thing I want is for her to put her foot in it in the playground if other children already know all this.

Them knowing they are privileged is nothing to do with telling them they are "better". Of course they are not. It's making them aware of the fact that not everyone is as lucky as they are and appreciating what they have. But in any event, children are not stupid. They notice these things.

My DC live in an enormous house with acres of land, expensive fee paying school, lots of extra curricular activities, expensive holidays etc. They should (and do) know that this isn't the norm. They also know that it means nothing at all in reality because it's just money and the only thing that matters is that we all have each other and that everyone is healthy. We would give it all up in a heartbeat if it was a choice between the lifestyle and their health/wellbeing.

I agree with pagwatch for primary age. Secondary or if they start at 9/10 I think they should be told.

Dd started in secondary, and like iam as it was bursary dependent it would have been cruel not to tell her. And I think they should also know they are privileged, even if not using that particular phrase. I want my dd to know she's had an opportunity that many don't have, and realise how lucky she is.

Annamarlowe, you are making the assumption that fee paying schools are not local and that there is an entrance exam.
There is a fee paying prep school ten mins from us, it is local and there is no entrance exam and no selection based on ability. There are 7 primary schools in our town including the fee paying prep. They are all local and at brownies, sports and other clubs children will attend from any of the 7 schools plus other schools outside our town.
My children also attend a club that takes place at an independent boarding school. There are children there both day pupils and boarders from that school and from lots of other schools, both fee paying and state. They all mix in and don't seem to care who goes to what school I don't think they give thought to who pays to go to school and who doesn't, who boards who doesn't, who is from overseas who is from the next street, etc they just know they all go to different schools and they don't seem to mind!

I have never told my children they were privileged, I have told them that they are lucky to have opportunities that other children don't have. I've also told them tthat basically it is only luck that's put them there.

One of mine goes to a very selective grammar that is famous for a particular sport that my dc plays. There were 9 applicants for each place and my dc got in. I made it clear that on no uncertain terms did I expect best behaviour and academic work otherwise this would be a waste of money. He worked hardish to get in but is naturally very bright so I think he has a duty to do his best.

I was in the same position but had no idea the sacrifices that my DP's made, that I quite frankly blew. I wish I had have known as it would have made me try harder. I do feel it is important for my children to know that they are fortunate (but that certainly does not mean superior) and should be grateful for that.

I doubt many people go around telling their children they're "privileged"

I specifically didn't send my DC to the prep school where the head teacher spent the interview talking about wanting the children to know they were privileged. I didn't like that.

Mine are at (another) prep school. I didn't mention that we pay for it until for some reason it came up in conversation with them. Then I said that taxpayers money pays for some schools and others you have to pay for yourself, and that they're at one of the latter. In answer to 'why'?, I said that we looked at all the schools nearby, and they were all great (true) but that we thought this one suited you (i.e. DC) the best. Which is completely true. They will probably go to a state secondary school, again because of all the nearby state and private schools, that particular school is the one I feel would suit them the most.

Happygardening - agree, they need to understand that they are fortunate and value education. That in my view is different to "privileged"

Thecat - yes, exactly.

'Privileged' to my mind has a bit of a 'you are special and above the rest' tinge to it.

'You are fortunate to have this opportunity' is quite different, and I'd have no issue with secondary school DC being given that message. Mind you, I'll be telling my DC that about their state secondary too, as (if we get in) it is a great school, massively oversubscribed, and they will be lucky to get the opportunity of going there when so many others don't.

Primary school DC I think are better just taking school for granted - wherever they go is just 'school'. Might be different in Y5/6 perhaps, I'm not there yet. Or if it's the kind of neighbourhood where they'll get teased for being in private school uniforms etc. in which case you'd need to have a chat about why that happens.

Exactly my point, you are fortunate to go to a great school with wonderful teachers can be said about a school,whether it fee paying or not. I certainly think my kids are fortunate to go to the (non fee paying) school that I chose for them and we moved house to go there. But to tell kids that they are privileged to go to a fee paying school just doesn't sit right with me. It suggests some superior advantage to their situation. Nor would telling them they are privileged because the school is non fee paying and therefore saving the family money be appropriate in a non fee paying situation.
Privilege suggests elitism. Considering yourself fortunate and appreciating what you have in life is a different situation.

DD is aware that she is "privileged" because she can see that we have a bigger house than some of her classmates, she has her own bedroom (doesn't have to share), we have a car, she goes on regular holidays and we can do things like replace clothes straight away when they wear out. She can do this because she goes to a state school with a genuine mix of children from all types of backgrounds and she's worked it out for herself!! If she were in a private school, she wouldn't be able to work it out for herself so I would consider it "My job" to make sure she realized what advantages she had.

Privilege = a benefit that not many have.

So being part of the tiny number of DC who get at least double the money spent on their education as the vast majority of DC must equal a privilege.

How can it not?

It just has an unpleasant ring to it...

I want my child to understand that they are fortunate - some children in other countries have to walk to school, or don't have as many resources available. He should value the availability of Education and treat people equally no matter what their background.

redesky my DS can see that we have a smaller house than most of his school friends, he has his own bedroom but not his own bathroom (unlike many at his school) we have two cars but neither are particularly expensive (no Aston/Ferrari), we go on regular holiday but usually only one big one a year and never go skiing unlike all his school friends, and although we do replace clothes when they're worn out no very expensive designer labels unlike a very small minority at his school. He has worked out for himself that this type of privilege doesn't make you a better person, or a cleverer person, he has sadly also learnt over the years that it doesn't protect you from cancer and that this money can't buy you better treatment or find you a cure. He also knows the "privileges" often associated in people's minds that come with having lots of money doesn't prevent a freak accident and death. Finally he sees that money doesn't shield you from hideous divorces that traumatise children. II like you have never had to consider it "my job" to work this out he has realised this for himself.

Happy gardening - completely agree

DS1 (5) moved to his current private school after 2 terms of state reception as he wasnt settling and kept moaning about being bored. loves current school.

His first school was 10-15mins drive in one direction ( just thenone we got allocated, not one of our choices), his school now is 10-15 mins in the other. actually only 2.5miles but traffic is bad in the mornings as it is further into town. We are lucky that many of his friends live in our part of the city.

DS asked me a while back whilst in the car what a state school was. Just a random question ( he often asks unexpectedly things) so i explained about various tyoes of schools inc state, fee paying, alternative, for special needs, specialist dance/music etc. He certainly understood we pay for his school and also that we pay for nursery etc.

Privilege is a difficult issue. Our choice was initially to try and improve ds' experience of school to one that was enjoyable and we succeeded, i am only just starting to think beyond that as it was such a relief! i will consider the matter as he gets older.

Dd didn't know when she was small. She wouldn't have known any difference as she only went to that one school. She was probably earlier juniors when she knew. School didn't hide the fact and neither did we.

Dd knows she is in a privileged position in that we pay for her schooling. However it's not something any of us dwell or think much on, and it's me and dh who made the choice - not dd. I teach in state education and she regularly comes in, helps out, teaches annually, support an after school Club there, etc.

Mine know, it does them good being open and honest.

My DS who is in year 6 knows but we have never discussed it with him. He has asked what a private school is and what a state school is and other than confirming that his school is private we've never discussed it or referred to it being anything of significance. DD is in year 2 and she has no idea at all. I don't really think it's relevant or worthy of a special announcement. They know that they are at the school we felt best for them. The children they know out of school go to so many different schools both state and private so going to a private school or a non local school is a non event. DS moves to another independent secondary in September and again, we've no plans to make it a point of conversation, it's just what we do.

The children know they are lucky and know that they can have lots of opportunities that other children can't have, I don't need to have length discussions with them about how lucky that particular aspect is. Paying for fees doesn't impact on our standard of living and I don't ever want to use the fact that we are paying for their education as something to threaten them with or make them feel bad about.

I remember the embarrassment of applying for a music scholarship to get into the senior school attached to my junior school. I played the recorder badly but with a sister who my parents didn't expect to pass the entrance exam a couple of years behind me I guess they had to try. Seriously though, I was awful!

I do think my child is privileged to be at his school. Privileged because he is at a school which is quite tough to secure a place at and even tougher to secure a bursary place (which he has). He also received an offer for a state grammar even though we are way out of catchment and only 50-60 places are given to out of catchment applicants each year vs 1200 pupils sitting the entrance exam. If he had chosen to attend the state grammar he would still be in a privileged position as many children dont have that choice and opportunity.
I don't think having those options makes him better than any other child though. Privilege doesn't equal superior, it just means having options that others don't have.
I am in no doubt that there are many privileged children in the local state schools too. Privileged because they are not in poverty, because they live in decent housing and their parents can afford holidays, cars, decent clothing, meals out etc. Surely those children are aware that not all children live without financial worry and that they are in a more comfortable position?

Should we need to hide our children from the opportunities that they have available to them that others don't? Personally I think it is better that children of a certain age understand that they have luxuries that other children might not have available to them.

Ds knows the school costs money, he doesn't really know that state schools don't.

I've told him he's lucky that he goes to such a lovely school, smaller classes, more activities, not that he's 'privileged' in any way. The school wouldn't support that. It's an independent school, not a very traditional private school.

But he is privileged in general, so I do have to remind him that there are a lot of children less fortunate than he is. Not that he's spoilt. He doesn't get a lot of material things. But he has a nice home, nice holidays. I want him to be appreciative, not take these things for granted.

I'm being thick - know that they at fee paying of know if they have a bursary?