Thread For Boarders

[morethanpotatoprints]

Just thought I'd start a support thread for those either starting this september or established boarders happy to help those with many queries.

There are quite often individual threads for particular schools but it doesn't necessarily say whether boarding, day, private or state in the title. So I thought this would be a good way of getting us all together and also for those people from overseas looking for particular types of schools.

My dd is starting in sept and will weekly board, atm I am gathering uniform and other essential items and will begin the labelling process soon.
I do quite like this as sad as it seems, I find hand sewing very therapeutic and relaxing for some reason.

ISC 2015 report - mine of information.

There was 1 x 5 year old girl boarder in an ISC school on census night in 2015. Could have been a flexi boarder. No 5 year old boys.

There were 9 x 6 year olds. 5 boys, 4 girls.

And there were 134 x 7 year olds. 87 boys and 47 girls.

Again could be flexis but....

Poor Henry!

Oh dear.

12 months after being so happy that DD had been offered a weekly boarding place, we are now contemplating pulling her out and making a new start somewhere else in September.

Academics fine, sport great, but boarding a disaster.

All seemed great before she started - she is independent, had loved her boarding trial, adored PGL and Brownie camp, but is hasn't worked out.

Back to the drawing board...

KingscoteStaff
I'm sorry things have not worked out for your DD. I am sure you will not be the only one in the run up to Easter that is thinking exactly the same.

Boarding is not the same as a holiday as it is much longer and once the novelty wears off and reality sets in it can be hard to come to terms with. It really doesn't suit everyone. School is such a big part of life for our DC that they do need to be settled and happy to be able to thrive in their endeavours.
All the tests and trials in the world are still not the same as the real thing - and we can only really tell at that point if it will suit our DC.

We also will be having a serious conversation over the holidays and then dealing with the outcome once we have figured it out.

I wish your DD well in her next place - bless her heart.

Thank you - I am refusing to see it as a 'wasted year', as she has had a huge lesson in resilience and in dealing with 'tricky' types.

Our fault really, as we were probably too swayed by her original enthusiasm and we also failed to really dig into the numbers. We were told that it was 60/40 boarding to day, but in Year 7 it is more like 30/70. There are only 7 Year 7 boarders in her house, and quite a few of those are the aforementioned 'tricky characters'. Possibly an unusual cohort for this school - but that doesn't help DD!

Kingscote as you say not a wasted year, particularly because she has felt supported by you. As you say being one of only seven boarders in her year is very risky for friendship groups (particularly for girls at that age) and stifling. The school should have been more upfront about it as a problem in the younger years. I hope that you find somewhere else. She might actually really enjoy a full boarding school but I imagine will be rather wary now of considering that.
Adventurer it sounds as though the problems are continuing?

I think sometimes if you have a y7/8 girl boarding, they do have to have a hide of a Rhino.
My dd contacted us this week to say that her 2 dorm mates were talking behind her back. She wanted to come home on Friday as no rehearsals saturday this week. This isn't like her, she'll usually tell a white lie to stay at weekend.
I can remember her and one of the other girls not warming to the third at the beginning of the year and that poor girl was probably very miserable too.
Now sometimes to confuse things there is a fourth girl and they all get on merrily, as they would with the changed dynamic.
We had a chat about what goes round comes round and I think now she realises that she needs to be nice and make allowances for others if they are having a hard time.
I guess if this is the only problem, it isn't so bad as what some of you are going through.
It also sounds as though there are huge differences in the quality of care from house masters.

So do we pull him out?
He is in turmoil. He is home for the weekend, and is in tears. I think he wants to leave, but likes the school and all its facilities/teaching etc. Also, he would feel like a "wimp" and a "failure" if he leaves, and does not want to start at another school after what he went through in Sept.
We have two really good comps near us, and a good private day school which he is worried about moving to as again he would feel as though he would have failed at boarding, and doesn't want to turn up a year after all his prep school friends went there. I wish he could make a decision.

When would you have to give notice? Last day of this term or last day of the holidays?

For us it is last day of the holidays, so we have some time in hand.

He certainly should n't stay because of not wanting to be a 'wimp or a failure'
I think feeling consistently homesick and miserable at school at this stage is extreme. We certainly would have rethought boarding after two mainly miserable terms, especially after the episode of bullying. On the other hand feeling miserable at the thought of leaving home or family is n't that unusual and entirely consistent with actually also really enjoying boarding after a bit. Sometimes seeing family quite frequently is unsettling.

I would add that he should n't be worried about appearing to have failed if he decides to join the day school. His old friends there will be pleased to have the affirmation that their school is best as evidenced by him wanting to join them rather than staying at the boarding school. He should consider however what put him off the day school when you were first were choosing and whether those are still valid reasons.
Hopefully like Kingscote you have until the end of the holidays to decide.

ah. good point about the notice period. I had presumed it was the last day of the holidays, but I will check.
I just don't know. Sorry about these seemingly rambling posts, but it's a good place for me to spill my thoughts out! I need to turn his negative 'failure' thoughts into positive 'I gave it a go and it's not for me' thoughts.
He has decided he really wants to go on to Oxford uni - which is not an unrealistic option for him at the moment - and see's boarding as a good prep for that, so he has to make himself enjoy boarding. The mind of a teenage boy is odd I know. He is also very self conscious about not being a 'cool' boy and getting bullied again, so therefore in his mind changing school would just be another disaster and no one would want to be his friend. sigh.
Thanks everyone for your support in this. We need to decide soon. I think we need to start phoning other schools.

We didn't remove DS2 from his hideous prep when he was miserable because he was adamant he wanted to stay. Admittedly he was younger (yr 7) but I regret it now. Sometimes children (and even adults) need someone else to make these kind of decision for them, they've invested so much into a situation they can't see the best way forward.

1805 he has given it a go and it takes more courage to realise something is not working and change direction when needed than stay put. Having said that he sounds a natural for a school like Winchester. Coolness is defined differently in different schools. It might help his thought process if he looked at another boarding option like that should that be possible so that he could work out the difference between his school environment and others and get more of a handle on what he really wants.
As you say it is a rather bizarre logic in thinking he needs to board to prepare for a university like Oxford.

It is a very hard decision for any parent to make.
We try our best to make sure it's the right move initially but it is true, that it's not a holiday and can take a while for them to settle after the honeymoon stage.
I also agree with HG, sometimes you need an outsider to tell you what to do because we invest so much in their education.
There is a girl dd is friendly with who was settled in y7 but has taken a long time to settle in y8. Her closest friend left the school and whilst she had other friends, it was hard for her to come to terms with.
I'm not sure if any of your schools operate like this but there are children who attend dd school until the end of y8 and go off to grammar school for yr9. Then new people come in for yr9. There is a lot of activity between these years and they can start any year except 11/ 13 as halfway through GCSE/ A level.

thanks all.

More discussions to have this evening with dh, and housemaster later on today too I think. DS really feels stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment. maybe cricket season will help.

1805 can he change house? Sometimes a "fresh" start with a new HM and perhaps boys who are I. His gear but he may not well that well might help. What about the matron? Their roles varies from school to school but if she's normally very involved in pastoral care what sort of person is she? Some are much more motherly and kind than others ?older ones or ones who e been in the job a long time.
Re giving notice I think you should contact the bursar and say you might have to remove at the end of the year if he doesn't settle but would like to also have the option to stay him and how long can you gave both options? Obviously it would depend on how over subscribed they are and if they gave a waiting list. Also if your going to move him you need to do it at the end of yr 9 before they start their GCSE options.
It's not a failure on either side if you go (unless the school has been crap, I've not read all your posts) you're just not mutually compatible.

sendsummer

I am not sure to be honest how the problems are progressing. It is hard to bring the subject up when skyping as I don't want DS to be upset when he is alone. Plus we agreed he would talk to me if he needed to rather than me ask questions all the time.

We shall see at Easter break.

It is much more than just the issues he has had with other boys though. He really is struggling being so far away from home and is suffering homesickness so much although he is doing well with academics and making progress with sports slow progress but progress nonetheless).

We had a chat planned for this time in the year anyway - 2 terms is a good gauge of how he is coping and how we/he thinks things are going.
We will then deal with things once we have had that chat - and by "deal with" I mean either find an alternative or get used to the new normal.

Interesting conversation today with one of the London day schools who offered DD a place last year. They have an occasional place available for September, and they would like to have her then to start in Year Eight.
Food for thought.

Adventurers71 I think whatever amazing opportunities a boarding school offers, the environment outside the school day will be a poor substitute for the comfort of a close family unless the extra social time with the other DCs is a major plus (with the inevitable odd blip) with lots of fun and friendships that feel comfortable, secure and kind enough for real support when a bit miserable. All that depends on the dynamics and shared interests of the peer group with a variable settling-in period for getting beyond the superficial interactions (which only really suffice for those who are thick-skinned) and adapting to the living rules of a more 'edgy' community than the DC's family. I think for those who have boarded before that community and independent living feels more natural and therefore easier to settle into even if they are not extroverts.

Kingscote that is great that your DD has a choice and feels wanted by another school.

Just updating for the people who asked me to keep them updated.

We have had our "chat" with DS as to whether the school suits him. He is adamant that a few bad times is not going to spoil his school experience and is still as determined as ever to stay and make the most of his time at school.
We are now all aware that boarding school is not utopia and it will have difficult times but also great times too.

I can only speak highly of the pastoral care in this situation - especially DS's tutor - he definitely seems to "get him" and this really helps that there is someone he can discuss things with if he needs to.

DS had a good term overall and even reached the final of a business / technology prize. He has been asked to lead a coding group that is being formed in addition to the iOS group that already exists. His reports are excellent once again. He has formed a few really close friendships with boys and even though they are not in his house it is reassuring to know that he is being social and not isolating himself at all.

So the issues really are only down to his utter detestation of sport (although he is hoping to give rowing a go this term) and some of the boys in the house learning what is acceptable and what is not. Other boys appear to have had some issues too and the fact the housemaster is new leads me to think that experience may have stopped these issues from occurring at all. There does appear to be a slight improvement with regards to the other boys and DS also has to not be quite as sensitive to them where possible.

So all in all - we can now settle into our new "normal" with the knowledge he is resilient and determined to do well.

Looking forward to hearing other people's updates too :)

That sounds encouraging Adventurers, I'm glad that he feels he wants to stick with it. DS knows a few boys who have taken two years or so to really get to grips with the school, whereas many seem to fit in straight away.

I hope he has a good summer half.

Thanks Adventurers. Things are likely to keep on improving (with occasional dips) He has the hardest behind him and much to look forward to. It is a shame that the house year have n't geled yet but they should find a better easier equilibrium even if not lifetime friendships.