Thread For Boarders

[morethanpotatoprints]

Just thought I'd start a support thread for those either starting this september or established boarders happy to help those with many queries.

There are quite often individual threads for particular schools but it doesn't necessarily say whether boarding, day, private or state in the title. So I thought this would be a good way of getting us all together and also for those people from overseas looking for particular types of schools.

My dd is starting in sept and will weekly board, atm I am gathering uniform and other essential items and will begin the labelling process soon.
I do quite like this as sad as it seems, I find hand sewing very therapeutic and relaxing for some reason.

Adventurers did you find out if your DS has been to his HM? I think boys do tend to suffer in silence until suddenly they snap and there is some sort of scuffle.
This sort of thing does happen sometimes, but in our experience it was sorted out incredibly quickly and efficiently (and sympathetically) once it was exposed. DS was rather prone to this type of teasing, as he could be relied on to react dramatically, but once it was resolved he was given lots of help and advice on how to deal with similar situations in the future, although that has never happened.

Do get on to your HM straight away and let him know what has been happening.

Adventurers71 sorry to hear your DS is having trouble. I hope it's just a blip - your earlier updates sounded so positive, though I know for parents and kids alike it's hard to feel sure earlier times were genuinely better, when something goes wrong.

Please could you post an update in a bit? I'm probably not the only one who wonders what to ask/look out for/expect/be worried about when it comes to pastoral care, and hearing other about other people's experience is genuinely helpful.

Indrid can you remember what any of the advice was, concretely? I have a suspicion that he may need it (at his prep he doesn't get teased, but I think he might be teasable, iyswim).

sorry for typos, and first "he" in last para should be "my DS".

FBP I will PM you.

1805 - that sounds awful. I'm glad the school dealt with things quickly. We are nowhere near that stage as yet and I hope to avoid it if possible.

IndridCold - he did go to his HM the first time something happened but was told to "suck it up buttercup" - apparently paraphrased by DS. It is his first year as HM so I'm not sure he is usually involved in the pastoral care side of things for the boys.
Your DS sounds similar to mine - as he has a tendency to react dramatically - which the boys seem to find extra funny.

The main thing DS has asked for help with is his reaction to these events as he does not want to lose his temper and this is why I think it would be good for him to see the counsellor.
He does say that the other boys are generally "nice guys" and sometimes he can take the "banter" and sometimes he gets upset or angry.

FutureBoardingParent - I will post an update in a while. I don't mean to scare anyone. DS does not feel like he wants to leave the school at all. I don't think things are serious at this point. But I do know they need to be watched to ensure they do not escalate at all.

Adventurers glad you're not feeling it's necessarily serious. That early HM interaction sounds like a fail on the HM's part!

Indrid yes please do pm me if you can find the time.

Adventurers agree that doesn't sound like an ideal reaction from the HM, but he may have pointed out that trying to learn not to react to the comments will help your DS to be more pro-active in getting these boys to stop. The school ethos is very much about teaching people to sort out their own problems wherever possible, but boys do need to be given the right amount of support in order to achieve this. I definitely think you should speak to the HM to get a more rounded view of what was said and done .

I would also encourage your DS to approach some of the older boys to help him, most houses have one or two B block boys who are trained up to act as pastors, and who can help by keeping an eye on things and offering moral support.

1805 your DS's sustained extreme homesickness together with the experience of bullying must require a lot of resilience from both you and him to live through. It does generally sound a more positive trend with him now so more likely that he will choose to stay come the summer term.

Adventurers I asked my DS (who is towards the end of his boarding school life) of his reaction to boys who get upset at banter. He loves the bantering with the cut and thrust humour of it but says that if a boy visibly gets angry or upset then that is a very clear signal to stop. Ideally they would sense if a boy were in a sensitive mood so as to prevent going that far but that does not always happen especially when they are still getting to know each other. I assume some boys are used to be taken too seriously in their home environment especially those who are only children who have not boarded before. There must however be a distinction between a childish 'strop' from someone who does not like being contradicted or teased to being upset as they are sensitive to what they are being teased about or are generally feeling a bit low My DS thinks that 'banter' with the repeated purpose of getting another boy to snap crosses the line into bullying. Saying that if a boy has a history of using banter to put other boys down then they must expect to be targeted themselves.

Thank you both for your input it is really appreciated.

I will definitely be letting the HM know what is happening.

I too feel that if it is teasing deliberately to cause upset or a boy to snap then the line is crossed plus also if it continues after the boy being upset or snapping in fact making an added thing to be teased about then the line has been crossed again. With his flair for dramatic language this only makes things worse for him.

DS has an older brother and sister and they have "banter" as we do as a family - all in good humour without anyone getting upset. So he does know how banter works in other situations.

I will be keeping a very close eye on things and he has promised to not keep everything to himself from now on and to tell me as and when things happen then we can make a better judgement of the situation.

Adventurer is it possible that your DS's housemates are obtuse enough to think that your DS's dramatic language is a form of extreme banter rather than a signal of it having been taken to far? If so the housemaster needs to point out the obvious to them if your DS feels unable to do it himself. If the boys know that he is upset but are doing it for general amusement then probably at least one of his housemates have crossed the line and needs firm guidance.

sendsummer

On occasion some boys have continued after DS is sobbing so I don't think that is the issue. He feels confused as to why someone would continue to tease and even make fun of someone in tears as to him he would be mortified to think he had made anyone upset in the first place never mind continuing the behaviour afterwards.

He did say that it now feels like the boys think or say "lets go wind him up" at times and getting more often.

That sounds very unpleasant and with no excuse. Boarding life is not about learning to keep a low profile so as not to be picked on but for boys to learn be supportive of each other and comfortable. That does n't mean the odd flare-up does n't occur as with siblings but targeting a boy for easy laughs shows poor development of social skills and friendship.

It sounds as if your DS may have been putting on too brave a face, as this should certainly have been picked up if it is that bad. Unfortunately banter can get nastier if no one intervenes to remind boys where the boundaries are.

I mentioned this to my DS, and he was surprised that none of the older boys in the house had become involved. According to him, in his house this would have been dealt with by the senior boys, possibly with a bit of input from house tutors.

I hope you manage to enjoy the rest of the half term anyway, and that this is resolved satisfactorily during the coming weeks.

Update

DS back at school (in fact quite happy to go).

E-mail sent to HM and Dame - everything appears to be in hand and in fact HM had already noticed some issues and had plans on working to resolve them this term. This has set my mind at rest that I am not being the over-protective mum and in fact there were issues that were observable.

He agrees with us that it needs action from the point of view of teaching the boys what acceptable banter is and when it has crossed the line and also to help DS with his emotions and encourage him to speak the school counsellor.

I feel much more at ease about this term and DS has promised to tell me if any other incidents happen instead of bottling them up.
I am quite impressed with the pastoral care so far - and time will tell if it is effective.

That sounds promising Adventurers, fingers crossed things will settle down again. I'm glad he had no worries about going back. I think they often feel a bit more resilient after a rest at home.

Thanks for the update Adventurers. Hopefully your DS will have learnt that unkind banter is not a necessary evil of boarding and the other boys will learn more about empathy.
1805 I hope your DS is OK.

Adventurers - I'm glad ds went back to school ok. And good luck to him and you.

Our ds went back with minimal fuss really. A few tears on saturday, then we had a really busy (and long) day on sunday, and took him back to school after bed time. This way he could just slink off straight to bed without having to think where he is too much. HM waited up for us and took ds straight in. He is still having daily meetings with ds and hopefully ds will eventually settle. We are not sure what the alternative options are if he is still struggling in June, but we'll deal with that if we have to.
I'll meet up with him on sat so I'll touch base with everyone and see how he is.

1805 fingers crossed that he will turn that corner.
If he does n't I remember HG wondering whether her DS's protracted homesickness at the end of his prep school was because it just was n't right anymore for his personality and ethos, basically not a good fit. Your DS's school sounds an excellent one but that does n't necessarily mean that it is where he feels comfortable and able to be completely himself. I think that has to be the case for a DC to be happy boarding and for it to be worthwhile. As alternatives for year 10 onwards, in addition to your local day school it would be worth making enquiries ASAP to another high quality boarding school that has more boys like your DS and would have the means to be able to offer the right package. Year 10 spaces do come up in these schools.

1805

I really feel for you and your DS. I hope he starts to feel better about it all soon. It is good that he is able to have a meeting with his HM every day.I hope he feels able to talk openly about how he feels as that is important in these situations.

I'm sure if he is still struggling that you will do what is best for him and we all have to remember to get into these schools shows great ability and intelligence. That means most (if not all) of our boys will bloom wherever they are planted

I'm so sorry for your ds's 1805 and Adventurers, I just popped on to see these posts.
We are just learning too and it's a narrow line between getting involved and letting them sort it out for themselves.
Sometimes, it's hard to know whether to or not.
I think with bullying it's always necessary as because we aren't there we don't know the extent and can only go by what our dc tell us.

It looks like yours have all gone back again, dd is back on sunday and we have parents evening, should be good
Hoping it's better than last time and the academic report has more 1's and 2's for effort rather than all the 3's and 4's we had last term.

Back to only being able to go by what they say, dd told us her Maths teacher hated her, made her life miserable etc.
When we met her she was lovely and had bent over backwards to support dd with Maths, in her own dinner break too. She is so proactive in helping dd I haven't seen the like before.
Obviously because there was extra work involved dd didn't like it.

Hope you're all enjoying The Archers at the moment - or at least following the Archers thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/radio_addicts/2585494-Things-To-Do-in-Ambridge-When-Robs-Dead-Can-The-Archers-get-Home-Deliverance-for-Helen?msgid=59672179

Classic 19th century story! Rob's evil mother wants to send Helen's five year old son to boarding school. Right now.

Is there a school in the land that takes boarders at 5? Back in the 50s my DM did a stint as assistant matron at a prep school in Surrey. Her favourite little boy was only 4 or 5, but I think that it was pretty unusual even then.

I'm an Archers refusenik BTW, waiting in the fervent hope that SOC's departure will restore peace and happiness to my Sunday mornings!

Someone on the thread claims to have found "at least two" that do! Tbh I wouldn't have thought any such place would be quite what Rob or his mother aspire to.

It's horrendously stressful listening at the moment.

Children may board in a UK preparatory school (often known as prep school) from the age of seven or eight, although some may, under special circumstances, accept younger children.

From the UK Boarding Schools website. I would hope that the sight of Rob and his mother would set any decent head's alarm bells ringing.

(Can you tell I'm procrastinating?)

Oh wow - I find it hard enough for a teenager to be boarding. I'm way too soft and emotional for any younger. I know some people do at prep school but 5 - no way that would ever be an option for me.