How to with being jealous of friends' clever kids...

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Wasn't sure where to put this grumble really...parenting/education/aibu

DS is 3.5 and very spirited. Chatty, full of energy and i think he is cute ( mummy love). He doesn't seem to have any concentration span ( except for books being read or sometimes duplo) and actively rejects suggestions of reading, mark making, counting or anything vaguely 'active learning' related. He goes to a good nursery 4 days a week and is in the preschool room now. He knows numbers up to about 20 and letters and colours etc. I wasn't too concerned about him at all until all his little buddies who are my friends kids started preschool and suddenly seem to be loving phonics, writing unaided (admittedly a process), doing simple maths etc etc . We went to a lovely xmas party this morning which i really enjoyed until all the others sat down and wrote out xmas cards for one another. DS refused to even try, despite my attempts. One mummy told me her DD (same age) is in te gifted group at her preschool.

Why am i suddenly filled with extreme jealousy?mwhy do i suddenly feel my child is incredibly stupid and i feel frustrated he won't even try and do these things? Why would this matter anyway but somehow suddenly feels importat?

I feel like a bad mummy to have these feelings. Lots of frustration though he wont try and i dont want him to be labelled as bellw average v
Before even starting school. I had no worries he wasnt normal /average until very recently.

Anyone felt like this? Anyone else got over it? Tips? Any help gratefully recieved.

Dd1 was just like your little boy at 3.5 She wanted nothing to do with writing, etc, far more fun to run around causing chaos. Now she's 15, in year 10, and on track to get all A* at gcse.

Nobody can tell at 3 how clever children will be, although lots of people try to say they can.

OP can I tell you about my children as this may stand you in good stead for the school years?

Both of mine are very bright in school. They're both on "the top table" or whatever it's called. Whizz through everything from maths/science to reading and RS.

DS 1 is the most clumsy, unsporty child you will ever meet. He also, for all of his brain power, cannot do exams. He's failed the exams for the three selective schools in our area with other children from school doing much better despite him outperforming them at school.

Ds2 suffers from crippling insecurity. I have no idea why. There's literally nothing he can't do. Except for have confidence in himself. It worries me massively. He's so over sensitive. I'd willingly trade his intelligence for self confidence.

What I'm trying to say is some parents will hype up exaggerate what their children can do. Some will overcompensate and only talk about things their children are good at. It's so easy to prize the "obvious" things over others. Don't be dragged into a competition as 1) it's not productive and 2) it's impossible to measure the things that matter.

My best mate once confessed to me that she'd had quite a few sleepless nights after a play date, where my three year old daughter sat writing and drawing, and her three year old son ran around like a loon with a,(fortunately empty) potty on his head.

They are now 15, and on course for pretty much the same GCSE grades. Her boy will probably edge it; he has a much better work ethic.

And yes to the poster who braved a flaming, pointing out the difference between the average three year old boy and the average three year old girl. I completely agree with you.

I have a DS and a DD and my DS was by far well behind my DS at her age, your son is a boy and they always develop later than girls. My son was like yours- more practical and hated writing etc. Now he is 12 and the most wonderful, clever, gorgeous boy. He is practical and is showing an entrepreneurial spirit even now. If I had judged him at just 3 I could have written him off compared to the other children in his pre-school!

Im not being funny but what pre-school has a "gifted" group at that age FGS? It sounds like the parents are more an issue there than the children!

Dont worry so soon, hes only a baby!!!

Well to be honest there are going to be children much cleverer than him. There are going to be children who excel at sport or art or drama. There are going to be children who have special needs and will never speak or write or talk much.

How about instead of deciding that she is weird and you are being pushed into a response, you decide to not contribute to the rush to place academic success as young as possible above everything else.? The woman bragging about gifted pre-school is just giving vent to that exact urge - just like you.
It's an arms race. The only choice is to ignore or become another one tooling up.

Your DS is only a baby- don't worry

It sounds like this is more an issue of parents than children!

I am with the poster that has mentioned the differences before the sexes. I have one of each and at that age my DS just wanted to run around all the time. He would be bored of colouring before you got the crayons out.

He is an August baby so started reception a few days after his 4th birthday. His nursery teacher said that as long as he could write his name by the time he started school we were doing ok.

They all develop at different speed and the parents who boast are just up their own arses

When mine were 3.5 they were just like this. Yes, they were interested in words and letters and dipped in and out of phonics. It was offered at their nursery but wasn't compulsory, and they were very relaxed about it.

Their reading really took off mid YrR (they're girls who tend to do this stuff a bit earlier) and are now both in top sets, with DD1 (Yr9) already working at A grade standard in two of her GCSE subjects. All from two girls who were very normal marauding children at your DS' age. Let him be.

at gifted group in nursery school from me too.

I went to my DHs xmas do the other night and, somehow, total strangers think I give a monkeys about how clever their DC are. I ended up chatting to several people (all men?) all of whom thought it was necessary to tell me how clever, sporty and musical their brilliant DC are. I get that asking about kids is an easy ice breaker but bragging about their kids brainy'ness is pathetic. (I didn't say anything about my DC)
I DONT care how clever other people's kids are unless I'm related to the kids in question and, perhaps, if I know the kid really well

OP at 3 you cannot yet know how academic your DC will be.

And nor can other parents!

Some will be so enamoured of their DCs apparent early development that they will take it as proof positive that their DC is more intelligent than others.

Apart from a few extremely able DC (prodigy level) it is all hooey.

Aww just enjoy your little boy. Age 3 is one of the cutest ages. Dont worry what other children can do at this age.

Encourage you son to do colouring in or painting to develop his fine motor skills.

"Sorry can't help, my dd is the same age as yours and is fantastically gifted - she's just completed her degree at Oxford. We are very proud."

:) :)

I've found personally that this sort of comparing does get better as they get older. My DD is not as academic as I was and it used to worry me (she is ten) now I'm just stunned by how much smarter socially she seems than I was (or am) and she has so much more sense that sometimes I feel I'm living out an episode of AbFAb! She is doing well enough academically that if she decides she wants to work for good grades later on she should be able to do so.
And I agree about a "gifted group" at pre-school - Uggh!

Everything changes. One of my sons looked like a genius at 3. Reading, writing, the works. At nearly 16 he's a naughty but charming stoner with many ishoos. But even now it's not all over. Creativity and achievement may out, given time. Or maybe not! I think it's normal to have twinges of worry when we compare our kids with others but as you already know the most important thing is to try and value and enjoy your baby for being the fab person he is, warts, lack of reading, short attention span and all. Just think, he was the only little kid in that room brave enough to say "Fuck you, mum. I 'm not writing Christmas cards at a party!" That bodes well for the future, I feel sure.

Just think, he was the only little kid in that room brave enough to say "Fuck you, mum. I 'm not writing Christmas cards at a party!" That bodes well for the future, I feel sure.

I agree with justrich learning with kids doesn't mean they're not having fun! I have a bright DC but they have never been 'hothoused' and find it irritating that some posters write off bright children as all bring hothoused. Some children are just ready for some things earlier than others...it doesn't mean they all have competitive mothers!

But please don't worry OP, amongst my friends' children every single one of them have progressed at different levels....some writing early, but struggling with numbers, others very physically able. It's sometimes far too early at 3.5 to see your child's strengths. Have faith though, don't compare and they will emerge, I promise!

Brains count for nowt without a work ethic.

My dd is very brainy, and astonishingly, doggedly lazy.

She won't be doing A levels or going to university.

I'm a teacher, so it's doubly galling to have to stand by and watch my child go for a gold medal in under-achievement.

They don't have gifted groups at pre-school. They really, really don't.
That particular mum was an insecure, deluded idiot who has probably been training her child to write their name for the last 6 months.

Thanks everyone! Trying to enjoy my little man whilst he is still cute and cuddly. Loving the Christmas anticipation...well except for the waking at 5am To check if it is Xmas yet!

Awww how sad that you feel this way.
I think I would probably try to make friends with the parents of the kids similar to your dc. There must be other normal dc in his room!
I fear the pushy parents are always going to be the pushy parents and you will need to learn to snigger quietly at them! Also block them on Facebook as every post will be "super proud of dc today doing xxxx".
Then in a few years time you can be smug in the knowledge that your dc is far more fun and confident and popular than the hot housed ones!!!!
Have a lovely Christmas free from study books!!!!