How to with being jealous of friends' clever kids...

[Addictedtocheddar]

Wasn't sure where to put this grumble really...parenting/education/aibu

DS is 3.5 and very spirited. Chatty, full of energy and i think he is cute ( mummy love). He doesn't seem to have any concentration span ( except for books being read or sometimes duplo) and actively rejects suggestions of reading, mark making, counting or anything vaguely 'active learning' related. He goes to a good nursery 4 days a week and is in the preschool room now. He knows numbers up to about 20 and letters and colours etc. I wasn't too concerned about him at all until all his little buddies who are my friends kids started preschool and suddenly seem to be loving phonics, writing unaided (admittedly a process), doing simple maths etc etc . We went to a lovely xmas party this morning which i really enjoyed until all the others sat down and wrote out xmas cards for one another. DS refused to even try, despite my attempts. One mummy told me her DD (same age) is in te gifted group at her preschool.

Why am i suddenly filled with extreme jealousy?mwhy do i suddenly feel my child is incredibly stupid and i feel frustrated he won't even try and do these things? Why would this matter anyway but somehow suddenly feels importat?

I feel like a bad mummy to have these feelings. Lots of frustration though he wont try and i dont want him to be labelled as bellw average v
Before even starting school. I had no worries he wasnt normal /average until very recently.

Anyone felt like this? Anyone else got over it? Tips? Any help gratefully recieved.

My Ds was exactly the same. Had no attention span, would throw a strop whenever he had to write anything (this continued until he was around 10!) and he was kept in reception class for 2 years as they said he wasn't mature enough to cope with a structured classroom setting and would be too disruptive by being unable to sit still for prolonged periods. Now? He's now 13 (year 9) and we've just had his parents evening and have been told if he took his gcse's tomorrow he'd get all Bs and Cs and is predicted As and A*s in 3 years time.

Your Ds is still a baby, he's only 3.5. Let him play and run around while he's still little, he'll learn to read and write when he's good and ready. I worried about my Ds for a long time, as it turns out my worries were unfounded.

He is 3! My DS went to an excellent pre-school and he couldn't/wasn't at all interested in writing anything at that age.

From what you have said he sounds bright and capable, let him be his wee self for a bit longer and don't beat yourself up comparing him to others (easier said than done).

There will be plenty of time for writing and maths when he starts primary school.

This is why I love being in France.

My DD1 is in first year of school at 3. DD2 will start next year.

They don't learn to read more than their name or write at all until they have been at school for 2-3 years.

I actually don't know how far DD1 can count. I know she knows some numbers. She recognises her name written down.

But we are explicitly told when they go into the schooling system to let the teachers deal with it for three years. They will tell us if there is an issues. But those three years are preparing them for primary education, at the age of 6, when they will suddenly read, write and do maths.

They are moulding them to be ready to learn the academic stufff. Dd1's classes are all about holding a pen correctly. Following some simple rules. Sitting quietly in class for up to an hour. Enjoying books, songs. Drawing, holding that pen correctly.

I am not saying French parents aren't competitive. They are, later on. But from 3-6 it is just school. The teacher tells you if something is wrong. Otherwise you just let them get on with it.

I am in touch daily with DD1's contemporaries' parents. Haven't a clue if they are further on, behind, whatever.

I like that.

BTW he sounds perfectly normal to me.

There will be plenty of time for writing and maths when he starts primary school.

But then those who have been taught before school will be at a higher ability, and hence be being taught at a more advanced level when they start school. Those on the top tables are generally there because they have already covered the things done on the other tables and will continue doing things in advance of the rest.

'One mummy told me her DD (same age) is in te gifted group at her preschool.'

This makes me pee my pants - a 'gifted' group at PRESCHOOL??? WTAF

It also makes me feel a bit sorry for her as IME (have 3 DS's), how they might be at 3 has jack shit to do with how they go on to do as they develop and mature.

DS1 was a SUPER bright precocious in a nice way toddler/pre-schooler. Regularly greeted guests by counting French backwards from ten to zero (no clue where he learnt it btw!) DS2 was a cute but middling in the 'obvious brightness' dept. one.

DS1 left school the very second he could to pursue his singing career, pausing not even to begin 6th form. DS2 chucked in 11 GCSEs and then 4 frickin A-levels with 3 A*s and 'only' an A in the fourth Is currently at the Uni with 3 x 8 week terms.

I love them both dearly and care only that they are following their dreams and talents, but the notion that you could look at a kid at 3 and start to fret re their future is frankly bonkers

I agree w PPs - go jump in puddles and if you do one thing only, do ALL you can to encourage a love of reading and a neat right hook for smug mums of 'gifted' 3 years olds;)

I could read, write, count before primary school. Was considered a genius for years. Still am actually, by IQ tests.

Means fuck all. There are many of my contemporaries at primary school who are far more successful than me, career wise.

I know of many hothoused children that have grown up to be normal, like me. Even mediocre if you look at their career choices (nothing to do with their intelligence).

And many of my classmates are far more successful, despite not being seen as such at primary age.

Those children are not necessarily cleverer than your child. They might be more interested in those areas, more compliant and more exposed to those areas.

I find the best way of ignoring competitive parenting is to focus on what things my DD does best and convince myself that those things are the ones that really matter. In that slightly delusional way, my DD is always winning. Obviously it is still worth looking out for any areas where your child is actually struggling to keep up with the majority.

Op. Stop right now before you give yourself years of grief. Yes, there will be children far more able but there will be children far less able. Do not get dragged in to comparing. Life is too short.

Being able to write your name at 3 is not a sign of being gifted. It just means you can write your names and possibly like doing that kind of thing. My DD was not interested at all in anything of that kind at that age. She did it in her own time and did other things instead.

Quick story.

When asked if I wanted to learn to read, at school, aged 4, I replied, very politely, "No thank you very much. I want to play"

I have a degree in English, went to Cambridge and now have a Masters' Degree. I also read nearly all the time.

Bollocks to them. Let him play. He will soon discover other magic but let him find the magic - don't be persuaded to force it on him.

Regularly greeted guests by counting French backwards from ten to zero (no clue where he learnt it btw!)

?

Your toddler had taught himself French? You have no idea how? Was he signing onto a website when you weren't looking?

My dd is 4 so a year older than yours. She has always really enjoyed mark making, books etc and has a really good attention span. According to her (and she's an observant little thing so probably correct) she is on a higher level of books than anyone else in her class for reading.

Today we went to a party. Before the party she wrote the card herself, unsupported, including a wish of happy birthday (correctly spelled).

Feeling jealous yet?

Then we got to the party. She was scared of the bouncy castle as the other children were too rough on it. She didn't like the music for the dancing because it was too loud. She sat on my knee for the entertainer rather than join all her friends at the front. If I mention any more activities I'll out myself but let's just say she would only do them if I came too. When I went to the loo she insisted on coming too. When I went to get a drink she got panicky as she couldn't see me for a second.

I looked around at all the other children in her class having a wonderful time at this brilliant party and was so jealous of their mums.

I adore dd and I wouldn't change her for the world but I really wish that anything out of the ordinary wasn't so terrifying for her.

My youngest hated reading, couldn't be bothered with writing and hated school because he "had far better things to be doing". Fast forward ten years and he was top of the class. You can't tell what they will be like from their early years, just ignore all the ones who claim that their child is gifted.

my ds not interested in holding a pencil when he started school so was marked down on assessment.he is now one of a very few of his peers who is studying in his final year at uni.

Why are preschools so obsessed with teaching tiny ones the phonics and writing?
It should be all about playing sticking painting imagining learning to share. I really hate the way things are pushed so early on.
My DS went to a Montessori preschool (in Europe), I didn't make any effort at all to teach him how to read or write, nor did I bother with numbers. I read to him, we played lots together, took him to plenty of social activities, speaking to him lots to help with vocabulary.
Within the first term of reception (in the uk) he was reading, he is in year 3, top sets for English and Maths (yes they set in his school). It really makes no difference if they start learning all this at preschool.

They aren't gifted! Not at 3. And haha at gifted group, at preschool. Most 'gifted' children aren't actually gifted, just a little ahead of their peers.

My dd2 didn't want a bar of writing, drawing etc. Had little concentration.

Her first day of school she wrote her name perfectly, without copying. She just had no interest in doing it before. Until she wants to do it, no one can persuade her to. Although she will do anything for her teachers. I wouldn't worry!

DS was exactly the same at 3.5, 4, 5..... During that time though his little body and mind wanted to do physical stuff and he is a great cyclist and swimmer. Now, at 6, he has got into reading and writing and making massive progress. Each in their own time. And ignore the pushy mums, they are just covering up their insecurities

When my eldest was 6 months (I repeat, 6 months), I was at a baby group. All the babies were between 5 and 7 months old. Everyone else explained how their baby absolutely loved books, and would sit still for hours if mummy read them a book.

At this time, the only interest DD had in books was eating them. I went home in tears. Why was my baby not showing any interest in books?

Take everything people tell you about their pre-schooler's development with a large tub of salt. And even if they are telling the truth (or you've actually seen evidence), doesn't mean that their child is going to be the double first from Oxford in 20 years time.

Most children I know who can write their name at 3.5 manage it because their parents really, really encourage this (yes, I know that some do it spontaneously, but I think they're very rare). And by the time your DC is in Year 1, whether your child learnt to write their name at 3.5 or 4.5 really won't make any difference.

Another one who says please please do not worry.:) My DS (now 4.5) has always been developmentally 'behind' his peers. Slow to walk, talk, is nowhere near writing anything at all. I used to get worried also, and anxious that I was failing as a parent. He always caught up, he was just taking things at his own pace, and because I have never pushed him, he is developing happily and calmly. I was always comparing him with a friend's son until I realised when her DH let it slip that she grills him does flashcards, gets very annoyed and angry if he makes mistakes..... the image she presents is that it is all 'him' and natural. I have always felt inadequate compared with her- I stopped worrying after that.

My DS's teacher said to me last week in a passing comment that DS is a really 'very intelligent' child... and a 'happy' child. That mattered more than anything.

OP - please, please do not be unduly concerned. My DCs are grown and flown and I can well remember this. DD had a friend 6 days younger who was crawling at 7 months, walking and potty trained at a year, reading at 3 years etc. etc. (you can get the picture). But fast forward to adulthood and my daughter turned out to be the redbrick PhD graduate, high flyer. (This is NOT a stealth vote) I just wanted to say that children develop at different rates and their preschool progress does not determine their life journey.

Also academic success is only one way of 'measuring' success, I wanted to raise happy, balance, well round children with a sense of self worth who knew they were loved and wanted.

My DS is similar and much older. Try not to stress - it isn't a race.Heck in many countries you dont start until 6.

And anyway, so what if he ends up being not particularly academic?

Is he a kind child, a happy child, a secure child? Those things are far more important.

Sorry, that should have been start school until 6.

Two things.

They all blossom and have different strengths. There are about 12 different types of intelligence ranging from emotional intelligence. I have known an incredibly bright child who is very self centred and a nightmare to parent. I've known a dyslexic child who made team captain because of their good people skills and likability.

But also only half the children on the top table in reception class were still on the top table by year 6.

The best thing you can do is follow his interests. Don't put him off learning by pressurising him too early.

I understand perfectly. DS and DNeice were born on the same day, were in the same class at school etc. She walked at ten months, he didn't walk until 18 months. She could write her name perfectly on starting nursery, he was about 6 before his writing was really legible (still isn't at times). She was always on a higher level of reading books. Fast forward to age 16 and they had almost identical GCSE results. You just can't compare them. They are both very different.
They are both lovely kids.