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Original poster

How to with being jealous of friends' clever kids...

95 replies

Addictedtocheddar · 13/12/2014 20:21

Wasn't sure where to put this grumble really...parenting/education/aibu

DS is 3.5 and very spirited. Chatty, full of energy and i think he is cute ( mummy love). He doesn't seem to have any concentration span ( except for books being read or sometimes duplo) and actively rejects suggestions of reading, mark making, counting or anything vaguely 'active learning' related. He goes to a good nursery 4 days a week and is in the preschool room now. He knows numbers up to about 20 and letters and colours etc. I wasn't too concerned about him at all until all his little buddies who are my friends kids started preschool and suddenly seem to be loving phonics, writing unaided (admittedly a process), doing simple maths etc etc . We went to a lovely xmas party this morning which i really enjoyed until all the others sat down and wrote out xmas cards for one another. DS refused to even try, despite my attempts. One mummy told me her DD (same age) is in te gifted group at her preschool.

Why am i suddenly filled with extreme jealousy?mwhy do i suddenly feel my child is incredibly stupid and i feel frustrated he won't even try and do these things? Why would this matter anyway but somehow suddenly feels importat?

I feel like a bad mummy to have these feelings. Lots of frustration though he wont try and i dont want him to be labelled as bellw average v
Before even starting school. I had no worries he wasnt normal /average until very recently.

Anyone felt like this? Anyone else got over it? Tips? Any help gratefully recieved.

OP posts:
Legodino · 14/12/2014 07:33

Writing their name at 3 99% of the time means they have very persistent parents, it doesn't mean the child is more intelligent then yours.

Thewrongmans · 14/12/2014 07:41

Why are you even noticing this? There is a whole world out there..

saffronwblue · 14/12/2014 07:45

My older DC are both clever. They are prone to overthinking, depression and have had times of being isolated socially.

Grass is not always greener!

TheLastThneed · 14/12/2014 07:50

Don't worry about your son OP. DD couldn't write until she was nearly 4. She's in reception now and her handwriting isn't amazing, but she's definitely not behind.

As PPs have said, they all develop at different rates.

Thewrongmans · 14/12/2014 07:51

And yes, I think you are a 'bad mummy' to call your child stupid.

ataposaurus · 14/12/2014 07:55

Hi, my ds is nearly 4 and has not a hope in hell of being able to write his name at the moment! He is also not into drawing and mark making although this morning drew a 'pond'' (a black circle with a scribble of blue in the middle) which he was v proud of and wanted me to stick on the fridge, which I have done.
At the same age my dd could write her name, knew her letters and was drawing pictures of Angelina Ballerina. However, she has not progressed to be a genius at school! I totally agree that from my observation girls are more into these kinds of things than boys earlier. My ds is very thoughtful, observant and imaginative and I predict he will start to shine in more 'geeky' areas when he is a bit older. I would not stress too much. Also agree a gifted group in preschool is nuts!

JustRichmal · 14/12/2014 07:56

If you feel that teaching your pre schooler is putting too much pressure on them, then don't do it. If however you like teaching and they enjoy learning, then I can't see the harm. So long as there is a good balance. Someone spending a few mins here and there teaching is accused of hot housing, whereas there is no criticism of the hours children spend on front of the TV each week.
Dd now is an avid reader and loves maths and science.

ocelot41 · 14/12/2014 08:01

It is worth bearing in mind that a pencil grip comes quite late to some kinds. There are special grippers to show the child where to place their fingers which slide onto pencils/crayons. My DS finds them helpful.

Purpleflamingos · 14/12/2014 08:05

I used to be in a similar position last year (reception) with ds and my 3.5 yr old dd is very much like yours.

What I have learnt is all those mums saying how fab their children are doing are biased. One brilliant reader isn't that brilliant, she's still on reception level reading this year, another that is truly good at maths cannot write. The mums of the exceptional children generally don't say much about their child.

They are very young and progress at different speeds. They catch each other up.

carolinecupcake · 14/12/2014 08:11

I have vivid memories of my DS aged about 3 running round and round the table while all his little friends did activities! He was just a bit lively! All kids develop at different rates and some parents love to boast about how intelligent theirs are. My DS is now studying mechanical engineering!

BikeRunSki · 14/12/2014 08:19

OP - I couldn't read until I was 7, but now I have a PhD. Different people develop at different rates.

Branleuse · 14/12/2014 08:31

because you think your child is an extension of you, and hers an extension of her.
You are scared that your child not doing as much as another child is, is because youre either not parenting as well as her.

Let it go. Actually what shes telling you about her child is boasty and its really hard to not let it get under your skin.
Two of my children have SEN so ive spent a lot of time wondering if everything was my fault etc etc, but I have three and theyre all different and ones a good sleeper, ones a great eater, ones the best reader in the class, one didnt click with reading at all till he was 7, which is surprisingly common, but hes a teenager now and has a bloody amazing vocabulary.

I think a chils writing xmas cards at 3, is all about the parent wanting to impress others and NOTHING to do with the child

sashh · 14/12/2014 08:32

Parents boast, well some do, and some also make shit up.
When I started at primary I was still wetting the bed, my mum got talking to the neighbour who's son was the same age.

Neighbour said she would nto be able to cope with a child who was not 'dry' at 5 years old.

Same neighbour used to hang a set of PJs and child's bedding on the line every day - strange that if her son wasn't peeing the bed.

OP

Your son sounds fab. Wouldn't it be a boring world if we were all the same?

MunningCockery · 14/12/2014 10:37

JustRich Honestly, the only place I can think he learned it was from the kids programme that was half English/half French. TBH I can't even remember the name of the damned thing now, but the words & tune of: 'I'm a tot, je suis un tot, Teeny Tom and Tiny' are engrained on my brain!

DS1 is 23 this month and I stil can't get that noise out of my head!!!Grin

Oh, has reminded me, OP do NOT fret about the amount of telly they watch either; as a FT working LP - with a nanny who arrived on the dot of 8am and left on the dot at 6pm, I would frequently use the other babysitter dreaded television in some MN quarters whilst I got ready for work/tried to grab a bath/list endless. IMHO watching a fair amount of (approp, obvs) telly is not in itself an issue - failing to converse when you are WITH your child and failing to read to them are, on t'other hand, major no-no's IME. ALL 3 of mine LOVE reading and I cannot tell you how much it used to piss me off when other DM's would go "ooooo, aren't you LUCKY that they love to read" Angry

I would retort in my head "No love, that's cos no matter how fucking knackered I am I read to them for half an hour every night whilst you're watching Eastenders and rewarded every step forward they made with reading"

WanderingSwede · 14/12/2014 11:59

Poor little guy, he is 3 and a half. You are both normal (in nicest possible sense!) My son is 6 and bright and lovely but is only starting to enjoy (in minute doses!) learning to read now. My daughter is 3 and will probably be reading when he does, she's way ahead of how he was at her age. Girls often are. She's writing her name and I've been incredibly proud about that! Now I know she's not gifted either Wink. And like the others have said, what a bizarre Christmas party for pre-school children! Of course some children love sitting down quietly and focusing and it's unfair to say their mothers are being pushy etc and some children are more ahead at an age than others (though really in most cases this has no more bearing on anything than when you learn to walk/lose your first teeth) but it still sounds like the mothers are showing off. Makes me sad. Have always been parents like that but they used to be laughed at... Ignore them, your son sounds right on track to me. The best thing you can do is let him be a child and develop at his own pace, my son would have been crushed if pushed or made to feel inferior. Good luck!

Greengrow · 14/12/2014 12:15

They just develop at different paces. Our oldest wasn't reading very well until she was 6. When her sister sat the entrance test for her school at 4 they couldn't find a book she couldn't read - she was much more a sit down an concentrate child. 25 years on both are City lawyers earning almost £100k a year. I don't think the fact one was more ahead than the other at age 3 mattered at all. In fact the fact the oldest has always been so very talkative and good with people has stood her in very good stead as much as her good exam results. I do think paying school fees from age 4 paid off though but of course not all parents will agree and also getting them into very competitive academic day schools as early as possible before the rush of applicants from the state sector at 11 when there is much more competition.

Original poster
Addictedtocheddar · 14/12/2014 13:20

Thanks everyone for your lovely responses! Just had a lovely morning with ds at swimming pool then having a sandwich in a cafe ( oh the excitement of a ham salad sandwich for someone!) . I wll try really hard to not feel he should be doing hothousy things! Its not so much i want him to be clever/ do well, just i had always considered him perfectly normal and suddenly paniced i was wrong and others were not be perceiving him that way. The jealous feeling has passed this morning after some cooling off time and all the helpful responses.

Wigglybeezer: gosh, hopefully this is just my first taste of noticing differences and i will settle. Think prob would have sent ds to the preschool with homework books and the gifted section if i was too bothered. Maybe i am justa bit naive!! We shall see....

DH pointed out when i explained to him how i felt yesterday that where he grew up in scandanavia kids start school at 6/7 and achieve at least as well, in fact on average much better at some subjects than in the uk. Hadn't really thought about any of this!

OP posts:
funnyossity · 14/12/2014 13:24

Enjoy the excitement at a ham salad sandwichGrin. I have a teenager who is lovely but I do miss the pre-schooler!

Takver · 14/12/2014 13:37

If it helps, Addictedtocheddar, my dd is 12 going on 13, and still would avoid sitting down and writing christmas cards if not nailed down Grin

ocelot41 · 14/12/2014 13:43

Nah. You are fine!

I know what you mean, many of the other kids in DS' class do pretty good drawing and writing by now. But he would much rather run around (shrugs). I had a momentary ' should I be making him practice more?' Am I doing him a disservice? Moment

And then thought nope, it'll come when they are ready, just like walking and talking and sleeping through the night did. Plus I spent a lot of my childhood only feeling valued for what I achieved academically -its bloody bad for your mental health and self esteem that stuff.

So if your kid loves reading/writing/Mandarin, marvellous. Rock on! Follow your child's enthusiasm and enjoy it.

But for the rest of us with deeply disintetested DC, let us chant together 'Life is not a race, life is not a race'. Ommmmmm....

bonhomme · 14/12/2014 13:53

I thought my youngest was a slow developer at that age and when he started school, he couldn't do many of the things that other children could do. Fast forward several years, and he is now one of the brightest children in his class despite being one of the youngest. His handwriting is still untidy but hey ho, it's what you write that counts, not how neat it is.

BrendaBlackhead · 14/12/2014 15:03

Takver Grin Dh is 50 and can't write a Christmas card!

OP, there is nothing more galling than bragging parents. You just have to realise that those who really have something to boast about generally keep it under their hats. "Gifted table" at nursery - what piffle. I should think the "gifted" ones are actually the oldest children, ready to start school.

Ds learnt to read with Thunderbird magazines. Like a lot of boys, he has mad obsessions about things, and if you hit on what lights your ds's fire, then I'm sure he'll be looking at comics/books/puzzles etc to get more information. It doesn't matter about reading early. I never pushed my dcs to read; neither could read a word before starting school. I won't boast Wink but neither being on the gifted table nor writing Christmas cards at 3.5 has impacted on their academic progress in the least...

tobysmum77 · 14/12/2014 15:04

they aren't necessarily clever.

an acquiantance of mine recently asked how dd was doing at school with her short attention span, I was Confused. No idea what at all she was talking about, dd has perfectly normal attention span ....... She was remembering a day we met up and dd wasnt even 3. I was just pmsl to be honest it's especially disturbing she'd given this thought (dd was 5 by this point).

Clever hahaha they are babies who have been trained to write their names much the same as you could a monkey.

I'm leaving judgment on 'clever' till secondary school personally.

mrz · 14/12/2014 16:08

The EYFS prime areas (indicators for future success) are Personal social and emotional and speaking and listening ... for a very good reason. Ignore the boasters!

SantaA8570 · 14/12/2014 16:18

My 3YO has also written her christmas cards for Nursery school friends. It is a scribble (usually a round-and-round circle, or and up/down line a few times) and then I write in the names and a message. I think she might almost be able to hold the pencil correctly. Your DS sounds just fine :) please try not to compare, but if you're worried at this very early stage, you could ask his Key Worker for their opinion.