Is keeping my son home from school the only way i will be listened to?

[mrsforgetful]

With all the publicity recently about parents being imprisoned if they don't send their children to scool ,it got me thinking about my situation.

Sure, if the school is supportive the child feels 'nurtured' -then great .....SEND YOUR CHILD TO SCHOOL......

However if (as in my case)....

He is Autistic (Asperger's)& ADHD and in a mainstream school without ANY support at all and as a result of this at the moment he rarely 'rememberss' to eat dinner (his Asperger's and his medication for ADHD affect his 'awareness of hunger' So i have asked for 'verbal promptss' to remind him to go to lunch- however he even needs somepone to remind him to get his lunch out of his bag and put it on the luch trolley- otherwise he will get to the hall and his lunch will still be at his class- so he then has to get it and in the short walk from A- B he will be distracted and forget about lunch.

So my point being- if i were 'paying' someone to care for him - I'd 'sack' them instantly if they didn't 'feed ' him- however in order to 'fit in with the law' i continue to send him to school with no guarantee he will be 'cared for'

So if i kept him home and was seen to be being 'obstructive' then i assume the LEA would send round their Ed Welfaree Officer (without me having to write a letter of concern- which is what they've said i have to do- and they will only visit me once they have talked to the school) and i would be able to voice my worriess.

This applies to many problems such as Bullying which is a problem that can affect any child- so If you decide to put your kids welfare first- where does that leave you other than in prison?

MrsF- you can home educate leagally. You just have to write a letter of deregistration.

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This sounds alarming. Does your son have a statement? Is he on the school's special needs register? Surely the school must have a policy on special needs?

I don't have a special needs child, so this isn't my cabbage patch, but if he needs this level of support to manage his lunch, I'd have thought he would need help to reach his potential in other areas as well.

Does the school have a governor with responsibility for special needs? Or approach the LEA? I'm sure other people here will know much more than me, but it does sound as if your son is being short-changed by the system, and keeping him home shouldn't be the only way you can get them to listen to your concerns.

I will look back through your posts about Home Ed- i know you've talked of it before- I also bought Mike Stanton's book and he refers to 'Flexi schoolingg' which he iss trying to get accepted- so really the Home Ed thing has been on my mind alot- but i disdn't reaalise I could 'start the ball rolling' without a fight. I assume the LEA would then ask me 'Why?'....so without 'getting nasty' i will be able to explain my feeings.Thanks again JJ

The MP thing doesn't work. Sorry to put a dampner on that but it doesn't. Nor does the local paper. Just tried both of those tactics.

MrsF - sorry I forget but have you put in a parental request for a statement?

Alternatively would moving schools be a possibility? I know children in my son's school who sound similar to yours and they are well looked after on action plus (or whatever its calle).

mrsf- if you are thinking of home edding join the special needs home ed email list. Lots of AS families on there. Have you got "paths are made for walking- home educating children on the autistic spectrum" excellent book

here's the website about home edding sn in the uk

FROGS- he's on School Action Plus- and the Head is THE SENCO () ....when i suggetsed statementing in DEC she said he is manaaging fine....I have decided to request a statement myself after easter- but wasn't sure if this Lunch issue 'counted'?....I spoke to the head this morning in passing- so will see if the problem improves-however this is the same head that in response to my saing he DOES need extra support- told me that due to some of the older children attending a 'booster' group each morniong that he 'does benefit from greater support from his teacher due to a smaller class size.'.....now this is ridiculous as this 'smaller' sclass is benefiting EVERYONE yet the school were the ones that insisted on him getting 'THE SEN HAT' ....yes, i'm glad the class is smaller- but.....what about the 'Special' in SEN.....what is HE getting that's different from a NT child......on paper he has a 20 minute daily provision daily for 'supported work'....however after only 2 weeks the group he joined for this was found to be unsuitable- yet though still 'written into his Ed Plan'(on view to the LEA) - he has NO additional support-

I am told by the LEA that if i request the statement myself i will have to provide 'evidencee of needs'....will untouched mouldy lunchboxes sufice? (i bought 4 home after halterm....left on the lunch trolley- NOone had thought to query this.)

lunchtime support is covered in my sn's statement- so certainly its relevant.

To give you some idea my son's statement says "His diet is gluten free and he is able to feed himself finger foods. He is unable to open packaging or feed himself using cutlery. He requires constant supervision, for instance, to ensure he does not eat from another child's plate. "

Later on it says he will be allocated a meal time assistant once full time in school.

mrsforgetful - I can see why you must be very frustrated and angry at the system that is clearly failing your child. However, please don?t go down the route of keeping him off school in order to force their hand. Instead of focussing on the reasons why you did it and how they can improve your son?s educational "experience", they will use it as an excuse to put a label on you and your family. If your ultimate goal is to keep your son in main stream education but with appropriate support, you must make sure that he attends regularly. It is highly likely that they will just see you as a trouble maker, someone who is more interested in getting what you think is right for your child at any costs and without seeing the "bigger picture" if you start to withdraw him. I know that would be wrong and unfair, but I now from my years working in education that the only way to make changes is from the inside. You need to get the school on your side and to see you as an intelligent parent who is not going to go away and is constantly battling to get the best. (I am sure you have tried this approach, but it really is the only way). I would make a proper appointment with the head and his class teacher, in order to discuss your real concerns. Make a list of areas that you think he is not coping well and see if the class teacher will back you up - if they deny it, ask to observe in the classroom and see for yourself - you could volunteer as a class room reader for the day if possible.. Don?t let them squirm out of it, if they do, write to the governers in a polite but firm way. In a meeting, try to get them to explain their funding allocations for SENS and come to some agreement over what is working for your son and what is failing. Then try and make them come up with an action plan with definite dates for meeting targets (such as finding a dinner time "buddy", his class teacher helping him to put his coat on his hook every single morning etc. etc.). Sorry if this is all stuff you have done and you have still got nowhere - if this is the case, I would try again and demand answers, then the governors and then regional welfare officer etc. etc. It is worth using the system and being very, very persistent - it can pay off. Please try to stay positive and work with the school - from my experience, we were just as frustrated with lack of staffing and funding for special ed. needs as the parents and found discussions where individual problems such as lunch times helpful to focus on areas that could be improved without excessive funding whilsdt at the same time battling for more money for special one to one time for him.
Don?t mean to go on, but would hate to see you get yourself in hot water and still get no where for your son - a mum stressed and dealing with the police and ed officers to discuss "truancy" is not going to help your son in the slightest. Good Luck.

Hi mrsforgetful

I can understand totally why you would consider keeping your child off school. Before my ds started school, I knew that if he started without a classroom assistant, he would drown. My own brother had a lot of problems in school (I believe that it was undiagnosed ADHD) and at age 33 I have seen the outcome that can result. Not trying to worry you even further, but that is where I was coming from.

Ds went to stat nursery in his preschool year and it was them that got the statementing process going. I kept on saying that if he did not have a classroom assistant for the Sept of his P1 year I would not be sending him to school. I said this to everyone, and even now if there is any hiccup in his education I will drop that into the conversation. I know that it would be detrimental to my ds's emotional wellbeing to have no support.

I know I am probably in the minority in agreeing with your initial pondering. But I would think that stating to everyone who is responsible for his education (teacher, principal, etc.) that you are seriously considering withdrawing your son from school, as you are worried about the impact not having the support is having on your ds - it just might make them move a bit faster.

HTH and good luck

Rebi- I said the same quite clearly at meetings as well. I told the ed psych, the school head, the senco, the paediatrician, the statementing officers that if he did not have full time 1:1 in his statement he would not be going to school. SO I agree with you

I got some funny looks MrsF, but I also got 1.0 in his satement (after a proposed 0.8)

MrsF, agree that you shouldn't keep him off school as they will use it against you AND they are being let of the hook, not having to deal with him at all.
Suggest you find out if there's a school GOVERNOR responsible for SEN, different to SENCO, also try your local COuncillor, not MP.
You must request a statement imho and, whether you request it or not you will be asked for evidence so that's just a red herring. Good luck.

Stripy- what you have said makes so much sense- and Davros- i had thought about him coming home for lunch....but had already seen that as letting them off the hook too!
I think there is something good coming out of this- I have been muttering odd things over the last year or two that i feel he struggles with- and yet noone seemed to agree- however in this case TA and teachers alike are aware that this is a problem- and i suppose that shows them at the moment that they are NOT managing his needs -

So you've all given me ideas- like listing something like

TEACHER TO: remind him to put lunch on trolley
Take him to lunch hall
If he has 'extra duties' (like helping in ICT room) then the teacher who has requested he help has to tell his class teacher and a named TA so that one of the 3 of them makes sure he eats his lunch
At the moment the class teacher has simply written on the White Board 'TOM LUNCH 12.15'......but this has not helped-i like the LUNCH BUDDY idea.....loads of his class mates have mentioned this White Board note- however Thomas needs a verbal prompt...i'm whittering on now so will finish!

sounds like you are feeling a bit more positive mrsforgetful. Good luck with organising a few markers in the day to help your son cope with his daily routine. Let us know how you all get on and keep your chin up

I have nothing to add to all the advice here. I just wanted to say that I HE (with a ds who has suspected AS), so if you want any advice or info or just a chat please feel free to get in touch.

I get on well with the Special Needs Co-Ordinator at our (smallish) school and she is very passionate about this subject. There are several children at our school with ADHD or Autism. I am happy to speak with her on Monday for you to see what you can be offered etc. We have quite a few "special needs" helpers, some on a 1-1 with children for a period of time, others who go out in a group for specific tasks, and of course the lunchtime staff are very vigilant. We also have a severe nut allergy child. Does your ds go to a large school where maybe he simply gets swallowed up in the crowd at lunchtime?

JAMPOT.....sorry to have been off the P.C most of this week...i'd love some advise!

He is in Yr 5 and in a clas of 36- with no teaching assistant etc.

On wednesday he was sobbing due to the fact that his teacher has been off sick since monday and as a result all 36 kids were split up and sent to the other classes from R-yr 6....he was with 2 others in a Yr R class- and this therefore caused great stress as he had none of his usual routines etc and they weren't even set any 'age appropriate work'...just 'allowed' to 'do drawing/painting' etc....now to alot of 'NT' kids this may seem great....but to an AS child it is not that simple.

Added to which AGAIN on tuesday he was 'forgotten' about at lunchtime- was asked to do something in the ICT room and missed his lunch......

then in the last week he has attempted to 'borrow' 2 digital cameras and a headset/microphone .......

So after his upsetting reaction to his school i got upsetr too - AND THE RESULT WAS I WAS TOO DEPRESSED TO EVEN GET THE KIDS RAEDY TO GO TO SCHOOL- so yeasterday i kept them home- Thomas was then sick 6 times....(a bug or anxiety???) and today i have took the other 2 but kept him home- easter hols now so i will decide what to do next- but i cannot keep on going like this- it is so wrong.

can really sympathise with you Mrs F. Dd did attend her brothers school nursery for 6 months unsupported (all of the pros agreed she would be fine!!!) whilst waiting for her statement to go through. It was a disaster from start to finish. She just couldn't cope on a 13:1 ratio. We were told that dd would also be fine on school action plus, after being turned down for a statement originally. I was adament that dd would have a statement as it is a legal document, with action plus you are not always guaranteed that it will happen - depending on school funds. My dd does have extra assistance at lunch along with the other language base children as the school are aware that the children do find it harder in a busy noisy environment. Good luck I hope everything works out for you. I can really sympathise and understand how worried you must be. I personally think that once a dx like that is made it should follow with a statement but as usual everything is a fight and certainly isn't as straightforward as it should be. As if us mums with SN kids haven't got enough to worry about. Sorry if this is a bit all over the place have drunk a few glassses of wine but am in control and know exactly what I am talking about

Oh God, I just read your last post Mrs F and have so much sympathy to offer and wish I had some useful suggestions for you, but just don?t. Your poor son, what an awful, unfair time he is having. No wonder you kept him at home - it must be dreadful to be put in that position day after day. Hope Easter provides you all with a well earned rest and time to think about how you are going to tackle this again after the holiday. Go and spoil all of you rotten and eat far too many Easter Eggs

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yes- i would prefer him to be at school- but in order for me to feel 'less guilty' about 'my needs' IT MUST BE THE RIGHT SCHOOL!

I can imagine HE my middle child- but Thomas has nevr taken well to homework etc...hates writing....maths etc....so if he were at home- I would have fights all the time trying to get him to do work!

thanks maryz- your son is about 10 too isn't he?

I feel sick at the thought of anything at the moment- to confront the HEAD /to involve the LEA/ to change schools- it all seems too hard- keeping him at home would be hard too- you guessed that correctly! (then there's the other 2 ....if i 'boycott' school for thomas....then the other 2 will feel 'jealous' of him staying home!)

I think i need to try and see if there's anyone at the possible 'new school'at all this week- though easter there may be someone there- maybe i can leave an answer machine message at least?

I am also going to chase the ED Welfare and ask if they can 'assist' with this- rather than me simply stop him going to the school he's at- maybe they will help me get him into a school that i will take him to? (i understand their aim is to get excluded kids back into school...Truants too.....so maybe it can be applied to me?

If the new school idea fails then i am definitely doing what DAVROS said which is to start the statementing process- if nothing else it will make the HEAD take this seriously and hopefully highlight what is NOT being provided- that the LEA say should be.

I am also taking all 3 boys separately to my GP so she can meet them- giving her a note for each child so she knows my concerns without me saying too much (particularily with Leigh- the UN-DX AS???)

On weds thomas has his rouitine paed appt- checking his weight/height etc due to medication sideaffects....i am going to ask her help on the fact that the outreach team won't take instructions from a mear parent.....see if she has any 'powers' similar to the HEAD- who so far last asked the Outreach team 11 months ago- in my opinion this should be a yearly review- as a child gets older their needs change.

and FINALLY on MON and WEDS the 2 older ones are off to the holiday club for ASD- so it will give me chance to spend some quality time with Alex- who today was wandering between his 2 'unique' brothers- and it was him that looked like the square peg in the round hole- he really misses out as he gets squeezed out by the other 2 as they demand so much of my time.

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