If you send your children to private school, what is your income?

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Personal question! And one I would never ask any other situation than an anonymous Internet forum!

So, the backstory is that DH and I never expected to send our children to private school. It was simply not on our radar. However,we are now in a position where we can afford it. This has involved DH working very hard, but to be honest, he would work very hard for peanuts. He has a Protestant work ethic! We could fairly comfortably afford the fees, and the plan is for me to return to work in two years when our youngest is three. At which point, the fees would be no issue whatsoever. DH's job is very stable, and we have saved hard, so have a decent safety net.

The issue is, we only know one family that send their children to private school. They are significantly wealthier than us. Significantly so. We are a little concerned that on the first day of school we are going to rock up in our second hand battered focus, and be scorned right out of the school!

So, if your child goes to private school, what is your situation? Are you very wealthy or, are you like us, very 'normal', but worked our socks off and now prioritising private schooling. There won't be Caribbean holidays every year, there won't be Aston martins in the driveway (we don't even have a driveway!), but damn it...there is waitrose food in the fridge!

All I can say is that we are lucky that DD fees are partly covered by my employers. We are wealthy as my job pays well. My daughter's best friend is Russian she is extremely wealthy. Her other friend is local English she is not so wealthy. The fourth friend is also local English and is wealthy.

What is incredulous is that the not so wealthy one has an Iphone5 , Ipad mini air, Ipad air and a macbook pro. The other girls have the standard Iphone 5 and Macbook Pro.

The uniforms from the Russian and the local girls are from the second hand shop. This is where DD will buy her uniform in future.

All four go to the local girls houses for sleepovers...and dont care who has money or not...

As the Russian girls says being rich in cash is no good .Its only good if you have friends to use it with you.

I suspect we are right on the bottom end of the income range at my DS2's big name boarding school as we were at his prep school. Although we earn enough that is not worth claiming CB. At both schools many parents are exceedingly wealthy, Sunday Times rich listers, wealthy hereditary peers etc, with ten + bedroomed houses, flats in London and holiday "cottages" in Cornwall and Scotland and chalets in Austrian skiing resorts etc.
At the senior school no one I've ever met cares, my DS will tell you those boys that do aren't worth knowing and even other wealthy boys avoid them.
At prep we found it was the next level down from the Sunday Times rich listers etc, who were a bit snobby (not usually the children in fairness just their ghastly parents) but frankly I couldn't care less.

I agree with everyone else on this thread. You'll find there are people who are obsessed with status and money everywhere.

One person's parent in one of my children's class is obsessed with status, commented on our family being "so incredibly simple", I guess they disapproved of the IKEA furniture, family car and Next clothes...

I would rather boil my head than waste money on expensive designer clothes/furniture/cars but that's just my mentality - if people don't like it there are plenty of others' to socialise with...

I like the fact that we are very understated and do not reflect as a family what we earn - I feel this really helps with sorting out who we really want to be friends with....!

I went to Private school and the really wealthy families were the least flash.
It was the ones with a bit of cash who tended to throw it around.
We were neither as I was on a scholarship but I managed fine and was never bullied or anything like that, being flash was seen as being a bit crass to be honest.

We do not earn enough to pay higher rate tax. DS's school is not in the SE. People choose it because it has a strong academic record in an area of generally appalling state provision. Cars are not flash and I would stab a guess that most parents work in the 'professions'. The school has recognised the economic climate and cut back on trips/sports tours overseas. We have holidayed in the UK for the last three years.

My dd is at the bottom end of the wealth spectrum at her school, but actually what is noticed more is the age of parents. Her friends are quite jealous that she has relatively young parents. (Minor stealth boast ) One of her classmates has a father the same age as my dd grandad.
No-one ever talks about what they have, and she hasn't had any problems because, for example, her blazer is from Sainsburys rather than somewhere more exclusive.
I guess it would completely depend on the school in question, as they will all be different.

Both DH and I are higher tax bracket so our combined income is v high by average UK salaries. Just about enough to live on in London though.

DD has just started private school and to be honest, I haven't noticed much in the way of people flashing the cash. People do tend to do parties in venues and hire an entertainer of some sort but that's more to do with 20 x 4 yr olds and the average size of a London house and garden than anything else. To have the space to have a party at home tends to infer wealth or madness more often than not!

I think if you were a medium income family and were sending your child to Harrow or Beneden or similar then the disparity would be clear to your child. That said, there are people who couldn't give a rats ass, and there are others who are overtly sensitive to what their peers have and have not. You can only watch your own child.

DH was at private school but not a top Eton type establishment. His parents earned sub 50k between them and he was on a partial academic bursary with fees paid for by grandparents. He says that he simply never asked for cash for trips/designer gear prob just Levis in those days etc and his parents were oblivious that he was "missing out". As an adult I think it has definitely affected him and he now rather irrationally resents his parents as he is now aware that during that period they built up a v substantial nest egg for retirement and that he could have potentially asked for and received the odd school trip somewhere. Entitled attitude yes, and he would accept that. But he is adamant that we will be more aware than his parents were and that there is a certain level of keeping up with the Joneses, where it creates social barriers or lost opportunities to learn a sport for example.

I went to a state school in Ireland so my kids will have to do chores before they get any pocket money for flash gear regardless of how much I earn in their lifetime

We earn about £70k. Most school fees money comes from our savings--years back my husband worked in a technology company that underwent a couple of successful flotations, and that has financed the fees.

We are very much the poorer end. DDs school fees are paid by her grandfather, I couldn't afford to pay them, even if I stopped eating! We don't have a car as we live easy walking distance from work/school/supermarkets and I can't afford a car when I don't actually need one. We live in a council flat.

DDs settled in well, has lots of friends and I get on with most of the other parents at school, a lot of the parents at DDs schools work really hard to afford the fees and have had to make sacrifices, some are ridiculously rich but not snobby about it and are far more concerned with if your child has manners and if you are nice than how much money you have, there's only one snobby mum I've met there and she stands on her own at the school gates coz it turns out not even millionaires like snobby cows.

DD doesn't get jealous about holidays or houses, but I don't know if that's because shes too young to know that Caribbean holidays are not the same as camping in Hastings (although as her very rich best friend has asked to come camping with us, maybe cheap holidays are what's cool at the moment.)

My Dd was at local primary for first two years and I was astounded at the hideous level of competitive parent syndrome. Dh and I earn well and were both privately educated, but had no intention of going private at primary level, until we met children of friends who are at the very prestigious prep that we live near... It changed everything!
Dd is just finishing her first year there and is a different child. She has gone up three years worth of reading levels!! Her friends are a mixture of graft hard and sacrifice families, and those that are gifted with daft amounts of cash. Her best friend lives in a £4 million mansion with half of Exmoor attached... But no one is treated differently. This is because those with real money don't wear it!
The richest parents I know rock up in a 15year old Volvo estate and all children are dressed top to toe in second hand. It's the try hards with shiny faces and eager grabbing hands that stand out as silly, but no one judges, we're all in the same boat.
There have been party invites with the words 'if you have a pony, bring it along!' on the bottom, but it's all sincere and not showy.
My advice is... If you can afford it, go for it! It's a wonderful start for your children and if I'm really honest, the children are so happy and busy that you don't get the disruption in class that there is in state- having experienced both, I can say this categorically.

Good luck with your decision

We spend 1/2 our net income on fees with 2 50% bursaries and are not in the higher tax bracket. We have a highish LTV mortgage. Holidays are to relatives here and abroad. DD in senior has awareness of differences but it doesn't bother her or her friends. Sleep-overs and children coming/going on holidays works both ways. DS at prep doesn't care about material things just whether boys are good fun and nice to be around. Both are v popular. We have good relations with all the parents we meet, but aren't necessary looking to find friendships for ourselves amongst the other parents as we already have a social life of our own. Plus at boarding schools (which both schools are) there is less contact between parents, as is true of senior schools generally. Always have someone to chat to/sit with at events though!
Both have lots of friends at state schools too and they tend to have more obvious material things/pocket-money/flash holidays/ outings so we're the poorest family whoever we're with!

DH and I both work, DH works full time and earns £50k including overtime and bonus, I earn £32k part time. We have no mortgage and a small amount of savings so we have a bit of a buffer if we ever needed it.

There is a huge variation between all the parents at my DCs school, we went to play at their friends house the other day and it was like a small stately home - amazing, another friend has a Ferrari for weekends. We have never experienced an issue with the difference of our income to those who are a lot better off at school, the children never seem to worry either but then it is not a posh super selective school or anything!

We have a normal 3 bed house, go on a couple of nice hols a year and drive really ordinary cars. There are also people who earn less than us who just have one DC at the school.

As I've posted before, I work in one and the DDs go to another.

It does most definitely depend on the school.

The more academically selective the school, the more likely it is that both parents work (especially when it comes to girls' schools it seems). Academically selective schools seem to have fewer materialistic or über-rich families.

NB my experience is with primary schools; secondaries could well be different.

I think one has also to remember, people on busaries are not going to be funding the school. Others are. These schools would not be in existence if they gave away busaries to everyone. Sometimes on the Education thread it seems that everyone is on a busary. Not true. These schools are businesses. They are run like businesses.

I see some people coming on saying how do they get a busary. Well, you have to offer something in return. Juust because you want to use the private sector doesnt mean you will be funded.

And I echo what others are saying - the pupils dont care what your parents earn. They just want to know you are a 'good egg', available for kicking around a football or going to the sports centre for a game of squash.

They certainly dont look at your parents income and decide whether they will be your friend or not!

My DS goes to one of the most expensive shcools in the country. Because he is boarding I dont come across the parents that often.

Of course we are high earners (and we dont get help with the fees!) but I have never come across any issues. I can hold my own against any non working mother who looks down her nose at me for working! But I have never had to apart from one occasion a few years ago when a mother started berating me for not being 'available' for a coffee morning. She is now divorced from her DH wondering where it all went wrong probably.

Gosh Handcream, my dcs are at day schools and I would say that I am looked down on as I don't have a job. Most of the mothers at both dcs schools have really interesting sounding careers, not all of them are highly paid but they are impressive one way or another - professors, working in medical research, dentists, architects, lawyers, actors, artists etc. I would think anyone who acted snotty just felt inadequate and envious of your success.

I have to say I just have a slient laugh at the mums driving their 4x4's and bitching about schools and such like. I work with their partners and they often talk about their wives not 'understanding' their roles.

When you are a high earner there are some events you wont be able to attend. Some of these women just dont understand that earning large salaries come at a cost and that effectively (and I have my tin hat ready for this one!) they have made an unwritten deal with their partners. I will give up work and we will live on your salary and I will take responsibility for the house, the kids etc.

You cannot have it both ways. I have missed lots of events at school. My DH or myself always like to ensure one of us attends and we usually manage it but sometimes it just isnt possible. We rarely manage to attend a parents evening together tbh. Our view is that as long as one of us is there it will have to be OK.

Its the price we have paid for going down the private route (and not having GP's, lottery wins etc to rely on!)

Our joint income is around 35k, we get a bursary and my boy has always done the private route, would like to add we also get a large amount of help from family members.

My son is top set everything, really absorbs the private sector and is a very well rounded child. I drive a regular car that isn't fancy but it's never been an issue! I'm good friends with all the parents, some have bentleys and big estates, others have fiestas and a 2 bedroom town house. I've never felt judged in that sense. We go on holiday to Europe twice a year, others go skiing and Mexico etc and some have never been abroad, I think you'll find like everywhere in life there will be people who are better off than you and people who are worse off, you are all there for the same reason though!
One thing I would note and I've found this in both private schools we've attended, the children are all lucky enough to have everything, even the kids who aren't well off all have iPads and the best clothes, be prepared to have talks about why your car isn't a Bentley or so and so's dad is a pilot. These talks have come up a good few times in our house but I remind my son that he's at that school because he's lucky and one day if he works hard enough he'll have those things, unfortunately we don't!
He's always been popular so it's never held him back in any way shape or form and he always gets invited to parties and play dates.

I think we create the judgements and the children don't!
Another thing to note with private schools is it doesn't stop at the fees, sometimes they are the easy part. It's all the trips, music lessons, sport lessons and UBS that you have to pay for. These can rack up quickly so it is worth when choosing a private school to see how much of this is included. Our current school has nothing included and it really makes a difference, they are always encouraged to take these things up and it can be costly!!

DD used to pretend she had more money to fit in with her school friends. She went to one of the most expensive senior schools in the country & so there were plenty who were from moneyed backgrounds. DS went to equally expensive schools yet never had an issue fitting in. We were 'normal' (whatever that is?) parents who could never afford private education on our wages. We had inheritances & investments which we cashed in to pay the fees. Don't think it ever bothered us if other parents were wealthier than us but we're a sociable souls who'll talk to anyone. DC have friends from their state & private schools & DD no longer feels the need to portray herself as someone she's not.

I really needed to read the posts here, as I too was worried about being too poor to take my ds to a public sch in the UK and that ds will not fit in. Some of my fears have been put to rest. Thank you OP.