If you send your children to private school, what is your income?

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Personal question! And one I would never ask any other situation than an anonymous Internet forum!

So, the backstory is that DH and I never expected to send our children to private school. It was simply not on our radar. However,we are now in a position where we can afford it. This has involved DH working very hard, but to be honest, he would work very hard for peanuts. He has a Protestant work ethic! We could fairly comfortably afford the fees, and the plan is for me to return to work in two years when our youngest is three. At which point, the fees would be no issue whatsoever. DH's job is very stable, and we have saved hard, so have a decent safety net.

The issue is, we only know one family that send their children to private school. They are significantly wealthier than us. Significantly so. We are a little concerned that on the first day of school we are going to rock up in our second hand battered focus, and be scorned right out of the school!

So, if your child goes to private school, what is your situation? Are you very wealthy or, are you like us, very 'normal', but worked our socks off and now prioritising private schooling. There won't be Caribbean holidays every year, there won't be Aston martins in the driveway (we don't even have a driveway!), but damn it...there is waitrose food in the fridge!

Our joint income is sub 40k and we are paying for one set of senior fees at 12k. We own our house outright (always been savers, never earnt loads, but always obsessed with paying our mortgage off early: now we're pleased we did).

There's a real range of people at ds's school.

There are usually more only children in a private school than in the general population, for obvious reasons.

There is usually more of a mix of people at a senior school, for obvious reasons: more bursaries and scholarships, the parents are older than they were when their children were 4 and often earning more, and many people place more emphasis on secondary than primary education.

We are friends with a couple of families with traditionally very high incomes but both are, for all sorts of reasons, struggling to pay fees at the moment. You would never know who is and who isn't comfortable. People might talk money when they get to know you, but no more or less than any of our other friends.

Oh, and the very expensive school trips keep being cancelled due to lack of uptake. The same ones in the state school I work in are oversubscribed. Same types of parents at both schools, but the private parents are (obviously) much worse off!

Hmm. In our case I'd say prep was mostly people that made ends meet to send their DC to a great school. Very friendly and no one gave two hoots. The senior school I have got to the point I almost dislike. Very glitzy, judgemental about lifestyles.

2 at 2 different preps, one is about £4k a term, one is about £2.5k a term throughout so a large variation.

At the first it's split 50/50 between working and non working mums, most parents are affluent, lots of lawyers, bankers, Hedge fund managers. Houses vary from jaw dropping mansions to 3 bed semis in naice areas. People aren't flash but birthday parties are bowling / soft play / entertainers in halls rather than party games at home. Most people go on nice holidays, I am not aware of anyone having a week camping in Wales but quite a few center parcs / week in an apartment in Spain along with those flying first class to Australia. Most cars are quite nice with lots of audi and rage rovers and the really fancy sports cars appear in the car park on parents evening. There aren't really any bashed up old bangers, ours is probably the oldest and most knackered and it's an 8 year old x5 so still nice. However, the parents are lovely, extras last term were £15 for a school trip and the children don't notice anything. There are quite a few staff children who are on reduced fees and are unlikely to have the income of many of the other kids but friendships with them are highly coveted because they live at school and play dates in the boarding houses are quite simply the most exciting thing that could ever happen to a 7 year old.

The cheaper school has less working parents, and a broader socio economic group. Still lots of professional families but more are self employed and are less likely to be working in the City or as lawyers or accountants, I can think of a few in IT, Estate agents, property developers, architects etc. Lots are there because they didn't get their preferred state school and there's a lot of dipping in and out of private, lots have siblings in state school. Cars are nice and people do tend to go away on nice holidays but it's more of a spread.

In Ireland again, like jump. One ds at secondary level and fees of €5500 per year so it seems much more affordable here and therefore there's probably a broader range of incomes represented. We have a joint income of about €70k so very average. I was worried about ds being the 'poor boy' but he isn't at all. There are lots like us, prioritising education over cars or holidays.

(Very curious jump as to which school your dc attend- I think ds's is fantastic)

Our fees are at a similar level to yours (~£3300 per term). We have one car - a 2012 Seat. No one bats an eyelid. There are a variety of parents - some are very wealthy, but this is the exception rather than the rule. Jobs of the parents I know include: GP, banker, teacher, web designer, museum curator, barrister, take-away owner, and lecturer. So a pretty mixed bunch. Our income is around £130k net. Our mortgage is still pretty big, so no expensive holidays at the moment (kids will be perfectly happy with 2 weeks in a static caravan).

The DC go to a £4k+ a term London day prep but it's not a flash one. There are a few very flash cars but quite a lot of people use public transport as parking is a pain. Second hand uniform sales happen every term. Holidays vary but there are quite a few families like us who have family abroad so tend to visit them rather than the usual package holiday.

Some of the material pressures that you get as the DC get older DS1 is Y6 would probably occur in any school e.g. all my friends have an iPhone - my reaction is

My school had lots of forces kids so big split of some loaded some not.

Have to say some of the kids were a bit arsey. But I reckon it was more just they were arses. You get them anywhere.

Joint income of around £45k DH full time me part time ( looking for f/t role ).. Fees with 50% bursary are for 2 boys £740 a month that includes all extras like lunch after school clubs etc ..

We drive a rubbish car and have 1 uk holiday . I think we are the poorest of the school not too bothered as we are emigrating in 2 years and wanted the boys to have a fantastic learning base before we leave

We put our DCs through private school and I think you just decide to do it and then you manage. We struggled at times, went without some stuff but it has all been worth it; they have both done well and are both very appreciative of the start we have given them.

Ours were at a large school in a city first, very mixed in terms of races, religions and finances with no snobbery at all. The parents and children were all totally accepting and supportive of each other.
Part way through we moved to a more provincial area, very white middle class and noticed far more snobbery there. It was not really on financial grounds, some of the wealthy parents were looked down on for being too blingy, not classy enough, nouveau, etc. The school had a very old-fashioned status thing going on so the SAHM wives of doctors and solicitors were considered more respectable than working mothers or wives of people "in trade". It was odd and I think was perpetuated by the head (who was an odd and unpleasant man), I hated it but we ignored it and just focussed on getting the children through happily.

Overall I suspect the proportion of knobheads is roughly the same everywhere

DCs are attending a private school with children from some very wealthy families. DH's company are currently paying the fees. We can afford to pay the fees should we have to but we would notice the 'hole' in our income should this happen.

We haven't had any problems with disparity in wealth between our DCs and other pupils. One thing i do notice is that the other parents seems to think we are wealthier than we are. I don't know why, we drive an old car and our clothing is high st. This does bother me, people say things and i feel i should correct them. I feel i need a sticker on my heat that says "we are not a rich as you". Eg. A few weeks ago we were skiing and visited the chalet of a friend of DD's from school. DH mentioned we were looking to buy somewhere in the mountains and the Mum suggested we buy the chalet next door to them. It was on the market for approx 34 mill euros. DH did choke on his beer at this point. I just blushed.

I don't know whether the Mum assumed that every other parent was in her shoes, wealth wise. I don't know whether she was being polite and knew we couldn't afford it but didn't want to recommend the 1 mill euro shack down the road instead. Or maybe she wanted us to say "we can't afford that, we are not rich like you are".

But the DCs don't seem to notice this disparity in wealth yet.

Overall I suspect the proportion of knobheads is roughly the same everywhere

^this

If people are going to be ignorant twats, they'll be ignorant twats no matter what kind of car they drive or holidays they take.

Bio, 34million euros! I think you are giving that woman the benefit of the doubt. I can't see there are many people, even amongst super wealthy, that would regard 34mil for a second home as no big deal. I bet your dh choked!

When I said dh had worked hard to get where he is, I meant it and will not retract it on the basis that there are others who work hard and yet don't earn enough for private schooling. I am fully aware that there are people who work dog hard for little money. It's sad, but should that mean we should not ever, even quietly, celebrate the fact that working hard can sometimes pay dividends?

Again, big thank you for your experiences. I sometimes read mumsnet and I am aghast at what people experience in terms of nastiness in the playground, soft play, supermarket. I never come across this, but I was worried private schooling may be different. From the experiences I have read here, it would seem in all likelihood, I don't have much to worry about.

An honest reply - my dd is at extremely expensive boarding school (we are low income) that gets top results and yes, she does notice the difference between lifestyles. But she also knows/has realised that there are more important things in life and it has no way affected her ability to make friends, have sleepovers, get ace results in her work or her self esteem - she's v happy and popular at school. I'm really pleased she has learnt this so young and I can respect her values.
When she first started we lived in a council house (in very poor area) and she wrote essays on her multi-cultural home environment and the good things about it - which the school really liked.
It helps if you went private yourself, not to feel nervous and think its all posh nobs and millionaires - but of course its not, there aren't enough of them to fill the schools for a start.

Its all about the education, the results, dc's self esteem and they way the school teaches and respects your dc - that's the school, not the parents.
At dc's primary school - state but in expensive area - the parents really were snobby and only concerned with how flash your house was - the kids parties were horrendously extravagant (whats wrong with musical chairs and jelly and custard??) - so it was a relief for us to get into the private sector where that seems to matter less - perhaps because everyone feels more secure? and the nervous rich are always delighted to be 'richer than thou' so they've got someone to show off to - they'd be stuck otherwise.

correction: when we first applied, we lived in a council house, when dd actually started, we had moved to private on a council & shared ownershp estate

OP, our DC attend private school and I'll be honest, we're wealthy.

That said, this is all money we've earned ourselves, no inheriences here.

We started from nowt and really appreciate what we have. We do like to spendf it, yes. But that's for our enjoyment and not to show off.

I can hand on herat say, I would not care a kipper what anyone else earned or had or spent.

DD's best mate is on a bursary. Her family lives a very ordinary life. It's fine.

Our joint salary is around £70k., but sometimes there is more through bonus's. DD is private upt'north which is around £9,000 a year, so one of the cheaper ones.

In Yr 4 and whilst there is a huge mix of parents - some very well of, some footballers kids and lots of working hard to afford it, there doesn't seem to be, at the moment, any awareness on the part of the kids.

The cars are varied, but to be honest, you don't know what people drive, as no car park and lots are on the bus. I see range Rovers (usually white) and clapped out bangers (usually the wealthiest!).

Other parents don't seem to discriminate on money ever, everyone mixes without a problem and are accepting. However we have one or two parents who are very flash, loud and for want of a better word 'rough'. Whilst they are wealthy I see other parents grimacing. It is excruciating to see it, so it appears that manners and behaviour has more standing than wealth.

Sorry that isn't put very well, but I am sure you get the gist!

It will be interesting to see if the holidays and big houses thing comes in within the next few years, but at the moment they all seem to be oblivious!

Re feeling envious of classmates who go on numerous expensive holidays and whose parents drive expensive cars: we need to enable our children to feel strong about who they are and not let envy gnaw at them wherever they go to school. Thee are swimming pool owning, R rover driving! private Caribbean Island holidaying parents in DS' s London state school.

Teaching our kids not to brag or be snobby, or to envy, is important wherever they go to school, so I wouldn't take that into account.

My DS goes to a pretty middle class private school. The fees are around £11k pa and then we end up with a couple of thousand on top of that to cover transport, uniform, books, lunches etc. There are some children who live in very big houses and the odd expensive car

I see what you are saying Blu. Once they get to being teens though they get very aware of who has what-they just do.

Sparkling: yes they do, but not just at private school, everywhere!

Unless you are the very wealthiest family in whatever school you attend.

Whether they like it or not it is quite good for kids to understand and co to terms with the fact that there will always be someone better off and they can choose how to deal with that.

This massively depends on the school IME.

We could never hope to go private with our dc but my brother and I both went to private school because my parents were overseas. We were both on scholarships and my parents had a fairly average income.

My brother went to the Dragon and then Marlborough. We used to rock up to sports days in a rusty B reg Nova in amongst all the Bentleys and Range Rovers and eat our ham sandwiches on a picnic blanket surrounded by people on proper furniture eating off china plates and drinking champagne. One of his best friends lived in a stately home (proper stately home, they opened to the public and everything). Several had titles. One had a proper cinema in her house. He never spoke about it much but it was very obvious we were not in the same league.

My school was mostly day pupils and much more down to earth. There were a few mega rich kids but mostly they were on the affluent side of normal and I never felt inferior, I don't think we were much different to most of the families there.

There are private schools and there are private schools! Choose with care and I'm sure it won't be an issue.

YY that's very true Blu it's just life I guess isn't it?

I really want my two to not be materialistic, it's a horrible trait.

Just re-read my earlier post - should say that our income is around £130k gross not net.

It would be fair to say that we chose our Indie based on a range of issues, but one was that it wasnt a factor if I didn't have an engagement ring that needed two hands to lift it and a current plate car.

At the DC's school there is a load of parents presumably from all backgrounds, i genuinely dont know everyone's circumstances or spend time on it, but with similar aspirations-get the kids a great education, make sure they're kind to each other, support the school. The school gate is a nice place, many of us socialise.

Not one of the parents I've met has been even a bit judgey, I couldn't begin to work out their incomes but lots are both parent working families like us. I feel extremely comfortable in their company and with our choice. As far as I can tell at this stage most of the DC don't even know their parents pay fees.

PS: The school second hand shop does a raring trade, and new uniform is considered quite an unnecessary outlay.

Leige - thats true about the school - they're all different and important to choose the right one.

Not having much money can be a good for dc's too - my dh works over 50 hours per week, jointly and I do voluntary work as well as 3+ kids and we pay/have paid school fees - not full fees but high proportionately to income (around £28,000 per year net) and have no equity in our house either - so although on lowish income, we're happy because their education comes first - hard choice and not right for everyone but there's no whinging about being too poor for stuff (well, not much..!). Hopefully, our dc's take that on..??

So that can be good for them too - doing without material stuff because other things matter more. Its all about the dc's in the end, whats right for them.