DD1 says she wants to kill herself rather than go to school...

[williamtell]

I have name changed for this for obvious reasons!

Rather dramatic but it is the end of a long journey and I have lost all perspective and ideas as to what to do.

DD1 is in Y4. For years she had issues around feeling "bored" at school, not really making any friends, complaining continuously that she is not learning anything new, doesn't seem enthusiastic about anything to do with school. Tried everything including:

• talking to the head (several times)
• talking to teachers (several times throughout the years)
• inviting friends round (doesn't seem to have clicked with anyone)
• doing extracurricular (she does music and dance, and she does very well at both)

None of the above has made a jot of difference.

If I try and be objective I see this:

• school is exceptionally poor at differentiating work and is a bit of a SATS factory (no extracurricular activities, very little music and art).
• DD has a very dynamic personality. She appears very popular wherever we go, has lots of friends outside school, loves her junior conservatoire and her dance school, everyone she ever comes across always has positive things to say about her (how bright/enthusiastic/mature she is and how hard she is willing to work). At school she appears withdrawn.

Something has to be amiss if school is the only place where things are going so wrong for her. But I can't put my finger on exactly what it is.

Things have come to a head now and I have lost all ability to know what to do. She says she doesn't care - home educating or moving elsewhere, but she is desperate to move. This morning things came to a head where she made herself sick and said she would rather kill herself than keep going. DH persuaded her to go but she was in a terrible state and I feel enormously guilty that I haven't managed to get this issue resolved.

Just to complete the picture, she has siblings at the school and they are happy. There have been the odd issues, but nothing that spectacular and all in all I'd say the others are bubbling along fine. What would you do in my situation? I would appreciate any advice as I really don't know where to go from here.

I moved my dd at the end of y2 from the local primary where both her brothers had been. She wasn't suicidal but very (quietly) unhappy - she had no friends and was out on a limb socially and in terms of ability (by some strange demographic quirk she was in a very low-achieving cohort)

We moved her to a lovely independent (with many qualms about whether or not it was the right thing to do) and she's never looked back. She's still right at the top of her year group but although it's non-selective there are enough other very bright dc around her to bounce off and encourage each other. She's made some fantastic friends and has had the opportunity to try out loads of different sports, drama etc

It has been disruptive for me and hideously expensive but she's been so happy there right from the start that it's been worth it

The fact that she's playing with reception kids would be a red flag for me. It suggests that she's being excluded by her peers or she's finding a way to avoid them at break time. You mention 8-9 year old 'meanness' which to her could be unbearable bullying. It does sound like you are minimising the possible effects. Do you not think (as a bright girl) she's pushing the not learning anything angle as she thinks that might motivate you to move her if her unhappiness doesn't?

I don't like the sound of your DH saying she's manipulating you to get her own way - to what end? She's eight. She is desperate and miserable and making it abundantly clear to the only people who can do anything.

I was bullied at primary school and repeatedly tried to poison myself so I wouldn't have to go, I was so miserable I'd have done anything not to have to go. I'm sure I told my parents I'd kill myself and I know I certainly felt like it. My parents didn't move me so I was stuck there, and the fall out (post traumatic stress, depression, social phobia) lasted into my 30s.

Please move her now.

Good luck

Please, get her referred, (at least to rule out asperger's) as someone who went through school with undiagnosed AS, it know how hellish it is Many girls with anxiety, depression, anorexia etc. actually have AS. It is very, very subtle in many girls, especially the exceptionally bright ones.

Please take her out of school now, with 1/2 term coming up she will not
be missing too much whilst you explore where she will go after 1/2 term.
IMO it sounds as if there is bullying to be dealt with here, and as awful as it sounds she may not be getting any help from her siblings to combat this. My own nephew suffered very badly from bullying and it turned out that his own brother was one of the bullies. His brother had joined along with the bullies to prevent them treating him the same way.

As someone who has worked as a sports coach with the 8 -12 year old age group I can tell you that it can be very hard to pick out bullies as they can seem such pleasant children on their own, but, put together with a few others it is amazing how downright nasty and very sneaky a small group of children can be (particularly, I am sorry to say, girls). if I had not seen it myself I would not have believed how they can make life hell for anyone they feel 'is not one of them'

She sounds like she's incredibly unhappy. Sometimes children just don't fit into a particular school. I've seen it happen with ds1, my dn and my friend's dd. They are all at different schools now and have lots of friends and are doing well. Interestingly, they are very able children. I don't know if that's the problem.
I hope you do move her. I think it's outrageous your DH thinks she's being manipulative. Is it any wonder that dc don't tell their parents when they are being abuse or bullied when some parents respond like this

I'm glad if we've helped you decide on a way forward for your dd.
I hope she'll be much happier at her new school.
Would it be worth her going into her old (existing) school just for a couple of days, or even one day to say a proper goodbye. Just to make the ending of one thing as good as it can be, before starting somewhere new ?

Or do you feel she's too unhappy there for there to be any benefit in that ?
I'm sure old school would do what it can to say a nice goodbye to her - for example in my DCs primary anyone leaving would go up in assembly and be given a school bookmark (just a token I know) as a goodbye gesture.

Just that I have a feeling that goodbyes are important and wonder if that's something to think about for her if that seems possible ?

Yes we had a chat about it and I will send her for a day or two to say proper goodbyes and she seemed happy with that. She also asked to stay in touch with a couple of friends, so that was a nice surprise. I am going to ring up this morning, just busy completing all the forms now.

I feel glad that we have come to the end of this, it is as much as a relief for me as it is for her, I think. She did tell me last night that she had run out of ways to tell us how unhappy she is - I feel really terrible about it, but it is lesson learned.

We had major problems with DS1.By the end of y2 he'd stopped working altogether and school were rather 'well we've tried everything' about it.

We moved him to a local prep school where he woke up and thrived on the more challenging work, smaller classes and greater attention.It wasn't perfect and he was diagnosed with aspergers further down the line which explained some of the previous difficulties (not all).

But I can't imagine how things would have turned out if we'd just left him to stew (though we would have had more money!)

That sounds good william
Best of luck to you all

Yes, good luck to you. I hope it all works out for the best. (If my experience is anything to go by, I'm sure it will do).

Very best of luck with this.

I really hope this works out for all of you. Do let us know how it goes!

Thanks all, I will definitely let you know how it goes, I have just come off the phone with the new school and she will be starting after half term! Now all the stuff to organise, but I am looking forward to a new chapter in DD's life..I will definitely come back on here and update!!!!!

Good news. I hope she is much happier now. It's horrible sending them off to school every morning when they are so miserable. We had a year of it with DS when we moved back to uk from overseas. Thankfully he settled and is now happy but it was a horrible year.

That's fantastic news, william. I wish your DD all the best at her new school and look forward to hearing the update from you.

I could have written your post 5 years ago. Fwiw we moved dd1 from an outstanding state primary where she was increasingly unhappy for reasons we never got to the bottom of. She never talked about killing herself but she did actually run away She went to a lovely prep school and literally never looked back from the first day. I am not exaggerating. She's now in year 9 at the senior bit and has never been happier. Good luck to you and your dd.

I am so proud of you! (Sorry, very patronising but completely true!) It's such an awful stage when you know you've got to do something but there's no crystal ball showing you the right thing.

DD2 still has some issues, but most of her issues disappeared the moment she stepped through the door of her new school. It was like getting my little girl back.

Thank you all!!

I have been through so many emotions in the last few days; frustration, upset, guilt, worry, sadness and now that I have finally taken the bull by the horns I feel we have something positive to focus on.

I know deep down we are doing the right thing by DD1, but I also have stopped feeling guilty about leaving the other children there, because they are so settled - they have friends, they are doing well and most of all they would be devastated if I even suggested moving them!

So I am going to have a nice glass of wine to celebrate - have a good weekend everyone and THANKS SO MUCH for your support and advice. It's been more invaluable than you can ever imagine!!

williamtell - I am so happy for you that you have found a way to change the course of things for your dd - I hope she will be very happy in her new school

Of course you should not feel guilty, every child is different, and one school does not fit all sometimes.

We were in an identical situation and moved one of our DC's to a local prep school whilst leaving the others in the state school. It was the best thing we ever did and we have never looked back. We have no regrets at moving or leaving the others where they were. Different schools suit different children. Good luck to your DD.

Hoping things are better for your family now. Did you make the move and if so, is your DD doing better?

I was you a year ago.

Work is too easy/asking to home ed/ social problems/ psychosomatic illnesses/ plummeting standard of work.

FWIW - I don't hold any ill will to the school. They tried hard with her. She just outgrew her cohort, which made her lonely and de-motivated.

We put her into a prep school from mid-Y4. Her siblings have stayed state.

She is (a year on) delighted with the move.

Her problems have - to some extent - persisted. However, we can now isolate what they actually are - since we've removed her stressors. She skips home to do homework & is delighted with hard work - but new school point out that she can cave quickly when it is new work she doesn't understand (which they are specifically supporting her with). Her teacher has been very proactive about supporting her social skills - but it is clear that Dd has (and will probably continue to have) slightly dysfunctional social skills.

I second re: Aspergers - btw. I totally think that's the bottom line with Dd. However, at this stage, me and DH felt it wa seat addressed by creating & finding a perfect fit environment for Dd. The strain of diagnosis wouldn't have paid off in terms of what her old primary could offer. They had sympathy in spades - but the truth was that by Y4 Dd really didn't fit in there.

I felt it was really important to 'hear' her when she kept signalling distress - and she seems to have been really heartened that we went out on a limb to support her. She is 2nd or 3rd academically in the new class - which does support her claim that she could work at a much higher level. She is also doing sport and music - and really has blossomed with the extra room to grow.

Hi everyone,

just as an update, the move is all set up now, we have told the current school and Friday is her last day. She is happy to go now as she is just busy saying goodbye to everyone. She says everyone was really sad to see her go. Her brother has taking it really badly though, but I am sure he will get used to it.

I am very nervous about this move, I just hope we are doing the right thing. I was talking to my mum yesterday and she hit the roof saying that I am trying to solve a problem in the wrong way. Well I am just hoping she is wrong and I am right!

The most important thing at the moment is that DD1 is already much happier. She says she cannot wait. I will come on here and update after she has started, it won't be until after half term, but I will promise to put an update here as it is nice to know how stories end isn't it?