DD1 says she wants to kill herself rather than go to school...

[williamtell]

I have name changed for this for obvious reasons!

Rather dramatic but it is the end of a long journey and I have lost all perspective and ideas as to what to do.

DD1 is in Y4. For years she had issues around feeling "bored" at school, not really making any friends, complaining continuously that she is not learning anything new, doesn't seem enthusiastic about anything to do with school. Tried everything including:

• talking to the head (several times)
• talking to teachers (several times throughout the years)
• inviting friends round (doesn't seem to have clicked with anyone)
• doing extracurricular (she does music and dance, and she does very well at both)

None of the above has made a jot of difference.

If I try and be objective I see this:

• school is exceptionally poor at differentiating work and is a bit of a SATS factory (no extracurricular activities, very little music and art).
• DD has a very dynamic personality. She appears very popular wherever we go, has lots of friends outside school, loves her junior conservatoire and her dance school, everyone she ever comes across always has positive things to say about her (how bright/enthusiastic/mature she is and how hard she is willing to work). At school she appears withdrawn.

Something has to be amiss if school is the only place where things are going so wrong for her. But I can't put my finger on exactly what it is.

Things have come to a head now and I have lost all ability to know what to do. She says she doesn't care - home educating or moving elsewhere, but she is desperate to move. This morning things came to a head where she made herself sick and said she would rather kill herself than keep going. DH persuaded her to go but she was in a terrible state and I feel enormously guilty that I haven't managed to get this issue resolved.

Just to complete the picture, she has siblings at the school and they are happy. There have been the odd issues, but nothing that spectacular and all in all I'd say the others are bubbling along fine. What would you do in my situation? I would appreciate any advice as I really don't know where to go from here.

[ICanTotallyDance]

I'm so glad to hear that!

Sounds like everything is working out well. Hope it lasts.

[MysteriousHamster]

Fantastic news, OP!

Don't beat yourself up too much. You did your due diligence. No point in spending too long in hindsight-land. She's happy now.

[williamtell]

I said I promised an update, so here it goes!!

DD1 absolutely loves her new school and she is like a transformed child in many ways. I am trying not to get too excited because I know there is always a honeymoon period, but so far so good. The teacher also said she has settled in seamlessly and she appears very settled and happy. The only thing is the 1 hour bus journey...we can pick her up once or twice a week but the rest of the time she is on it.

It is not too bad as she has met a few friends on there too and so is socialising rather than sat staring out of the window...but still a house move is not on the cards for a while, so we'll see how it goes.

My only regret is that I didn't listen to my GUT FEEL earlier!!!!

[ICanTotallyDance]

Just wondering how the transition went- are things better for your DD1? Is this a move you would recommend to others? I am not in a similar situation but a friend is in a (less dramatic) similar scenario.

[perceptionreality]

Ignore your mum - she doesn't sound like she understands what your dd has gone through. The situation is no one's business but yours anyway.

[ToffeeWhirl]

No, your mum isn't being fair at all, william. Did you remind her that she had moved you twice? Anyway, try not to let it get to you, although I know it's hard. You are, after all, the one who lives with your DD1 and knows her best.

[williamtell]

My mum thinks it's me projecting my anxieties onto my DD1 and that as a parent I should just tell her to shut up and get on with it, without indulging too much in what she has to say. She says this but she doesn't have to live with her every day and see her slowly become more disengaged and withdrawn. Also, my mum moved me schools twice when I was at primary because she wasn't happy with things - so I am not sure really she is being fair in her harsh judgement.

Ultimately though everyone is going to have an opinion about it, I am sure most people at her school won't understand it either. It's one of these things that you have to do and bear the consequences of, if it is a positive move then I will be pleased for DD1, if it isn't then I feel like I have tried anything I could.

[perceptionreality]

I'm sorry your mum is unsupportive too. Some people seem to have the view that children should be made to stick a situation out and deal with it. Is it possible that is what your mum thinks? It's a very misguided view. Some schools just aren't right for some children. You have absolutely done the right thing by your dd imo.

[claraschu]

I have seen LOTS of unhappy children change schools over the years (two of my own and many of their friends). It has NEVER been a mistake for any of the children I have known; usually it has been a case of: "If only we had done this a year ago".

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Thanks for the update, am glad she's looking forward to it so much, and happy to go into old (existing) school to say her goodbyes. Just wondered is she having an extended half-term break at home ? Our half term isn't for a couple of weeks yet.

Regarding your Mum saying you are trying to solve problem in the wrong way ... that just made me think of the excellent advice that if something's not working you can't just keep on doing the same things, you have to change something.
If you keep on with the same strategies/ behaviour/ situation you will keep getting the same result!
So, you've had the courage to be more pro-active and change something quite big and I hope it works out really well for you all, and especially your dd (Hope little bro settles down OK with it soon too)

[ToffeeWhirl]

I'm sorry your mum was so unsupportive, william. I wonder what she thinks you should do, as it sounds as if you have tried everything at the current school. Try not to let your mum's reaction undermine your instincts. I'm sure you are doing the right thing and, as WetGrass says, your DD will be reassured that you went out on a limb to support her.

My DS2 missed his big brother when I took DS1 out of school, but he got over it. Your son will too, especially when he sees how much happier his sister is at her new school. Perhaps he just needs more explanation about why she is moving.

It's lovely to hear that DD1 is already so much happier and can't wait for her new school. And yes, I would love to know the next stage of the story .

[williamtell]

Hi everyone,

just as an update, the move is all set up now, we have told the current school and Friday is her last day. She is happy to go now as she is just busy saying goodbye to everyone. She says everyone was really sad to see her go. Her brother has taking it really badly though, but I am sure he will get used to it.

I am very nervous about this move, I just hope we are doing the right thing. I was talking to my mum yesterday and she hit the roof saying that I am trying to solve a problem in the wrong way. Well I am just hoping she is wrong and I am right!

The most important thing at the moment is that DD1 is already much happier. She says she cannot wait. I will come on here and update after she has started, it won't be until after half term, but I will promise to put an update here as it is nice to know how stories end isn't it?

[WetGrass]

I was you a year ago.

Work is too easy/asking to home ed/ social problems/ psychosomatic illnesses/ plummeting standard of work.

FWIW - I don't hold any ill will to the school. They tried hard with her. She just outgrew her cohort, which made her lonely and de-motivated.

We put her into a prep school from mid-Y4. Her siblings have stayed state.

She is (a year on) delighted with the move.

Her problems have - to some extent - persisted. However, we can now isolate what they actually are - since we've removed her stressors. She skips home to do homework & is delighted with hard work - but new school point out that she can cave quickly when it is new work she doesn't understand (which they are specifically supporting her with). Her teacher has been very proactive about supporting her social skills - but it is clear that Dd has (and will probably continue to have) slightly dysfunctional social skills.

I second re: Aspergers - btw. I totally think that's the bottom line with Dd. However, at this stage, me and DH felt it wa seat addressed by creating & finding a perfect fit environment for Dd. The strain of diagnosis wouldn't have paid off in terms of what her old primary could offer. They had sympathy in spades - but the truth was that by Y4 Dd really didn't fit in there.

I felt it was really important to 'hear' her when she kept signalling distress - and she seems to have been really heartened that we went out on a limb to support her. She is 2nd or 3rd academically in the new class - which does support her claim that she could work at a much higher level. She is also doing sport and music - and really has blossomed with the extra room to grow.

[ICanTotallyDance]

Hoping things are better for your family now. Did you make the move and if so, is your DD doing better?

[nextyearitsbigschool]

We were in an identical situation and moved one of our DC's to a local prep school whilst leaving the others in the state school. It was the best thing we ever did and we have never looked back. We have no regrets at moving or leaving the others where they were. Different schools suit different children. Good luck to your DD.

[MrsZimt]

Of course you should not feel guilty, every child is different, and one school does not fit all sometimes.

[perceptionreality]

williamtell - I am so happy for you that you have found a way to change the course of things for your dd - I hope she will be very happy in her new school

[williamtell]

Thank you all!!

I have been through so many emotions in the last few days; frustration, upset, guilt, worry, sadness and now that I have finally taken the bull by the horns I feel we have something positive to focus on.

I know deep down we are doing the right thing by DD1, but I also have stopped feeling guilty about leaving the other children there, because they are so settled - they have friends, they are doing well and most of all they would be devastated if I even suggested moving them!

So I am going to have a nice glass of wine to celebrate - have a good weekend everyone and THANKS SO MUCH for your support and advice. It's been more invaluable than you can ever imagine!!

[lougle]

I am so proud of you! (Sorry, very patronising but completely true!) It's such an awful stage when you know you've got to do something but there's no crystal ball showing you the right thing.

DD2 still has some issues, but most of her issues disappeared the moment she stepped through the door of her new school. It was like getting my little girl back.

[Gilbertus]

I could have written your post 5 years ago. Fwiw we moved dd1 from an outstanding state primary where she was increasingly unhappy for reasons we never got to the bottom of. She never talked about killing herself but she did actually run away She went to a lovely prep school and literally never looked back from the first day. I am not exaggerating. She's now in year 9 at the senior bit and has never been happier. Good luck to you and your dd.

[ToffeeWhirl]

That's fantastic news, william. I wish your DD all the best at her new school and look forward to hearing the update from you.

[CiderwithBuda]

Good news. I hope she is much happier now. It's horrible sending them off to school every morning when they are so miserable. We had a year of it with DS when we moved back to uk from overseas. Thankfully he settled and is now happy but it was a horrible year.

[williamtell]

Thanks all, I will definitely let you know how it goes, I have just come off the phone with the new school and she will be starting after half term! Now all the stuff to organise, but I am looking forward to a new chapter in DD's life..I will definitely come back on here and update!!!!!

[twocatsinthedark]

I really hope this works out for all of you. Do let us know how it goes!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Very best of luck with this.