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Original poster

DD1 says she wants to kill herself rather than go to school...

86 replies

williamtell · 09/10/2013 08:57

I have name changed for this for obvious reasons!

Rather dramatic but it is the end of a long journey and I have lost all perspective and ideas as to what to do.

DD1 is in Y4. For years she had issues around feeling "bored" at school, not really making any friends, complaining continuously that she is not learning anything new, doesn't seem enthusiastic about anything to do with school. Tried everything including:

  • talking to the head (several times)
  • talking to teachers (several times throughout the years)
  • inviting friends round (doesn't seem to have clicked with anyone)
  • doing extracurricular (she does music and dance, and she does very well at both)
None of the above has made a jot of difference.

If I try and be objective I see this:

  • school is exceptionally poor at differentiating work and is a bit of a SATS factory (no extracurricular activities, very little music and art).
  • DD has a very dynamic personality. She appears very popular wherever we go, has lots of friends outside school, loves her junior conservatoire and her dance school, everyone she ever comes across always has positive things to say about her (how bright/enthusiastic/mature she is and how hard she is willing to work). At school she appears withdrawn.
Something has to be amiss if school is the only place where things are going so wrong for her. But I can't put my finger on exactly what it is.

Things have come to a head now and I have lost all ability to know what to do. She says she doesn't care - home educating or moving elsewhere, but she is desperate to move. This morning things came to a head where she made herself sick and said she would rather kill herself than keep going. DH persuaded her to go but she was in a terrible state and I feel enormously guilty that I haven't managed to get this issue resolved.

Just to complete the picture, she has siblings at the school and they are happy. There have been the odd issues, but nothing that spectacular and all in all I'd say the others are bubbling along fine. What would you do in my situation? I would appreciate any advice as I really don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
cloutiedumpling · 09/10/2013 11:46

Does she get on well with a trusted friend or relative? She might find it easier to talk to someone else about what is going on. Or could you take her out for a day and have a good chat with her away from both the home and school? I too wonder if there is bullying.

stayathomegardener · 09/10/2013 11:53

I think I would sit her down and say OK we are listening and we would like you to write down every little thing that is bothering you about this school until half term-a week or so?And then we will move you,in the meantime go with her to view other schools
This approach will give her an element of control and a time scale. It gives you a real insight into what is really troubling her because as you state you don't want this to repeat at the next school.Hopefully the suicide threat was desperation and will disappear and you don't need to follow that up with your GP.
DD was a different girl after we moved her in year 4.

MrsZimt · 09/10/2013 12:05

I would move her to the selective independent school if you can afford it.
It may be bullying, it may be she is at her wits end with boredom.

Both my older dc were terribly bored from around year 4. No amount of extra curricular activities could lessen the impact it had on their lives. We couldn't afford private, otherwise they would have been out like a shot.

In the same situation again with dc3 I think we would go private, dc3 is a different child and would not cope as well as the others. Thankfully her primary school sounds very different, I hope it stays like that.

cavell · 09/10/2013 12:06

Move her. I've moved both of mine for different reasons and both times things have improved massively. My only regret, particularly with the first child, was waiting so long. I guess I kept hoping things would improve, but they never did.

The private school sounds great, but don't necessarily dismiss the other possibilities out of hand. Schools do not always have the reputation they deserve - some great schools don't get the reputation they deserve, whilst awful schools somehow have good reputations.

tiggytape · 09/10/2013 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsZimt · 09/10/2013 12:08

PS my older dc didn't have friends in school at primary either (in their hobbies they did) and now both have close friends at secondary (Grammar, super selective).

MrsZimt · 09/10/2013 12:10

And please talk to the GP, normally when a suicide threat has been made, the GP has to refer her to Camhs.

Original poster
williamtell · 09/10/2013 14:38

thank you all, I am touched by the sensitivity of the responses and the very good advice. I will print off this thread tonight and carefully consider all of the advice on here with DH - so that we can formulate a plan going forward.

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Original poster
williamtell · 09/10/2013 14:49

Is she being bullied by a teacher
or another member of staff
has she got an unusual idea in her head like, there are ghosts there
Is she an entrepreneur type. They are notorious for being bright, and possibly popular, but the school curriculum is far too rigid and formal for them

All of the above are a possibility, apart from the ghost one...definitely have thought about the current teacher not exactly bullying her but certainly not helping her by making unhelpful comments in class about trivial matters.

However given she hasn't been happy there for a number of years and this member of staff is new to the school, it has to be more than just that. I would say also that she isn't sensitive at all and it takes an awful lot to upset her (unlike my DS1 who is a sensitive flower).

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Original poster
williamtell · 09/10/2013 14:54

PS strangely enough another girl in her class has been in the same situation this year, it got so extreme she was in hospital for several tests as they thought it had to be physical. Although it turns out it was psychological and something to do with the school environment, although her mum never got to the bottom of the precise reason.

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ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 09/10/2013 14:58

I would have moved her a long time ago.

I would now tell her that you think it's best she goes elsewhere, but that you think it's very important to make the right decision as she cannot keep changing schools - so both her and you need to be sure that you choose the right school.

Explain to her that you wont take any action re her current school that she isn't happy with, but that you need to know everything - no secrets.

Also tell her that you need to know what she would like from the new school, what interests her, how she likes to learn & what she doesn't like. Explain that she wont get everything she wants and she will get some things she doesn't want but that you will look for the 'best fit' for her.

Poor kid - whatever it is, it must be horrible to feel that way day in and day out and not have any control over it. It's bad enough as an adult, but at least you work out your own exit strategy.

I hope you can get it sorted, as much for your sake, as hers.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 09/10/2013 15:00

Very, very strange - and worrying.

How is the other girl now?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/10/2013 15:01

I wonder if she's picked up on the idea that you might move her to the private school (which she'd prefer) as a last resort

I think you should either decide to move her there without her having to make any more extreme a case for it, or decide you can't afford it (as we wouldn't be able to) and tell her it's off the list of options.

Hopefully she just said the extreme thing about killing herself for effect, but of course you need to look into these things properly/ make your own judgements possibly with advice.

Original poster
williamtell · 09/10/2013 15:19

The other girl seems better, although still not very happy. She has lost a lot of weight and appears emaciated. I will ask DD how she is as I haven't been to the school gate a lot recently and haven't caught up on the full stories - but I know there was definitely nothing physically wrong with her.

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mummytime · 09/10/2013 16:02

"but I know there was definitely nothing physically wrong with her"

Sorry but it would be a very brave and foolish Doctor who would say categorically there was nothing physically wrong with someone.

Original poster
williamtell · 09/10/2013 16:16

I think she had extensive tests in hospital under Paediatrician's referral and they couldn't find anything, so it is likely not to be physical.

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Original poster
williamtell · 09/10/2013 16:23

But maybe this girls' story is a red herring, I just thought of it and wondered whether there was a link there, but it might be tame. Not sure what to think to be honest.

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3littlefrogs · 09/10/2013 16:30

Year 4 can be a bit of a watershed for some children.

My DS was bored rigid and bullied in his primary school. HT was useless at dealing with it as was form teacher.

I moved him when he became suicidal. Basically his HT and form teacher told me he needed to "stop being different from the others because they don't like it". In other words dumb down to fit in.

I moved him to a local independent school where he was identified as being G&T and was nurtured and encouraged. He was so happy there I wished I had done it earlier.

I had to go back to work and take a second job to cover the fees, but it was worth it.

bouncysmiley · 09/10/2013 16:35

You need to move her and don't force her to go in again. Sit her down tonight and let her know she won't be made to go back so she isn't worried. You need to take get threats seriously and get help as s family.

lougle · 09/10/2013 21:03

Honestly? Pull her out. Tonight. Send an email to say that you are withdrawing her and will home educate her while you consider your options for the future.

My DD2 was in a terrible state (Y1) she couldn't articulate her reasons, but she was a shell at school. She was hiding under the bed rather than get dressed, etc.

Things came to a head one day and we just couldn't continue. I sent an email to the HT with immediate effect. She was enrolled at a new school two days later.

You don't have to know what will suit her to know that this school doesn't suit her.

toolatetobed · 10/10/2013 00:14

OP, you mention that your DD "sticks out like a sore thumb" in her class. Can you expand on why you used that phrase? Is the bottom line that your daughter is more intelligent than any of the other girls in her class? That could be the case even if you don't consider your daughter to be exceptionally bright. Or does she act much older or much younger than the other girls in the class? I agree that it does sound like you need to move your daughter, but I am thinking that this analysis might help in deciding what to move her to.

BlackMogul · 10/10/2013 00:37

She wants the independent school, doesn't she? That's why she is saying she is not learning anything new. You have an overview of her current curriculum presumably, so you know that she is doing new topics. I think you are right to hesitate about her threat but I would probably move her to the independent school. I would also make it totally clear that there is no other move if this school is not suitable either. You opened the door to a different world and she wants to go through it! What did you expect? She does not appear to be bothered about existing friends so there is little to lose except your worsening bank account. If you could not afford it, why did she take the entrance tests? Seems a bit cruel to have denied her the place there really.

ToffeeWhirl · 10/10/2013 01:12

I agree with lougle. Home educate her whilst you get another school sorted out. Sounds to me as if the independent school is the one for her and she will have the motivation to make it work there. She did well enough to win a place there, yet you are not letting her go. She will always feel very resentful if she isn't allowed to take up her place there.

sashh · 10/10/2013 07:17

Another vote for HE.

And another vote for a bullying teacher. There are certain teachers who cannot stand the thought of a child being more intelligent than them and they make bright children's lives hell.

There is also the cohort she is in. Some years all children seem exceptionally bright, others not so much. If she is the only bright one in a group of not so bright she will stick out.

Original poster
williamtell · 10/10/2013 08:32

It's true about the independent school, the place was for September and the only reason we dithered was because there was a new teacher and a new head at her school and I mistakenly thought we could work together to improve things for her.

Unfortunately this new teacher appears to be reluctant to work with us and the new head can't exactly do miracles. Whilst changes might be beneficial for my other children, I have realised that it is too late for DD1. I will ring the independent school today and send her there asap.

Thanks all for helping me to make this decision for her.

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