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Original poster

Think Carefully Before Opting for Private Education

999 replies

PRMum2012 · 29/04/2013 23:50

i am a mum of two (23 months and 3 in august)I am self-employed, part time and married to a lovely architect. We have a great life and two happy kids.

On paper I would say I have not done too badly with my life and my aim is to work full time as soon as possible now my kids are a bit older. If the work was available I would happily work full time now.

Despite setting up my own business I can't help feeling like a failure that I can't afford for my own children, what my parents did for me.... It annoys me that I put so much importance on it ... I am now passionate about finding a decent local primary school for my children so they don't feel the same pressure i do now, when they are older and looking for schools for their kids ....but i'll be honest ......assuming i can afford it i would try and do it from 11 if i can....!!!!...

Hopefully by then, my kids will have an input too and they will be forming their own opinions on the issue.

Depending on mortgage and family support I can't see that it's possible for anyone with two kids earning under £80,000 - £1000,000 + (as a family income) to afford private education anymore, my advice is unless you have a thriving business or two, work as a dr, lawyer or banker.... Forget it.

It's really hard to watch my younger sibling do it for her kids, they are paying for private prep while we cant afford it.... But it really upsets me I feel like this... why can't I just be happy for them and quietly satisfied that I don't need to pay on top of my taxes for my kids education.

For my own primary education i went privately, tried the local school for secondary education but was bullied so moved back to the private system.... I had a mix of private and state during secondary - my second private school was amazing but the second state school I attended for 6th form (my choice) was great too so why is this all having such an impact on what I want for my own kids.

My DH is much more laid back, he went privately all the way through but doesn't place as much value on it as I do/did....I wish I felt the same way but all I feel now is pressure to earn more money so I can pay for them both from 11.

OP posts:
MTSCostcoChickenFan · 08/05/2013 12:06

Yes shit, seeker!

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 08/05/2013 12:08

You posted that people are forced to make choices because of financial constraints. I made my choice because I didnt want to look after a baby full time. My finances had nothing to do with it.

seeker · 08/05/2013 12:13

If you actually read what I said you will see that I said people have to make choices about child care based on what they can afford. And for many people that choice is very limited. For most of us discussing the subject here today it isn't/wasn't.

Spero · 08/05/2013 12:24

I think it is a real pressure for some dads who would like to spend more time at home - but in my view, most don't.

I agree the best thing a mother of sons could do is teach them how to use a washing machine and to tidy up after themselves. I hate all this 'learned helplessness' and all the threads about 'hopeless hubbies' - and people think is funny! If you are a grown adult who thinks housework is beneath you, hire a cleaner or feel very ashamed of yourself.

Sorry, probably another morph there.

Spero · 08/05/2013 12:25

Was it the Toby Young article that made the point that if full time child care was so wonderful and fulfilling, more men would be pushing to do it? Think he hit nail on head there.

seeker · 08/05/2013 12:29

The number of threads where I want to post "Marry a fucking grown up, you cretin!" . Or "Stop enabling that man child!"

Takingthemickey · 08/05/2013 12:35

I agree and am training my sons to be active and equal contributors to running the home.

Just that on this thread there is almost an assumption that it is okay for a woman to give up work to look after the children.......would it be unreasonable for a man to insist that his wife continue working as he is, as he also does his share at home. Would that man not be subject to the famous mumsnet AIBU threads?

seeker · 08/05/2013 12:39

As I said, I over ruled my dp about staying home.

lemonmuffin · 08/05/2013 12:56

"The number of threads where I want to post "Marry a fucking grown up, you cretin!" . Or "Stop enabling that man child!"

To other women you mean? How lovely.

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

Spero · 08/05/2013 12:58

I think it makes sense for the higher earner to be out earning and supporting the parent who actively wants to be at home. I agree that one consistent parent - who is happy, emotionally available and well organised - is probably the optimal solution for child under 3.

Just not all us others would be so happy and this would be likely to be providing less than great atmosphere for our young children.

I think however ther is a distinction between sexes which isn't entirely down to Enabling Lazy Fuckwits - while a good proportion of my female friend say they feel physical pain when their child cries I have NEVER heard a father say that.

So I have no problems with dads who actively want to stay at home but I agree neither parent should feel bullied or pressured into working or staying at home - IF they have a real choice.

I didn't have a realistic choice - I wasn't going to throw away a career to spend next forty years of my life in financial uncertainty. Lucky for me, my choice fitted what I wanted to do and my daughter is happy, makes friends easily, achieving well at school etc. her spelling is atrocious, but I don't think nursery is to blame for that.

flatmum · 08/05/2013 12:59

I have DSs too and I will be preparing them to earn a good salary / own a business and choose partners who do the same so they can both contribute equally to the family finances, housework and childcare. But that's because that's what their parents do and it works well for us (well for me, at least, which is the important thing :))

Xenia I don't alway agree with how you say things but your message about gender neutrality in assumptions about work and childcare rings true to me and that is what I wan for my boys. They should be free to work or stay at home with children or somewhere in between in conjunction with their partners without any silly gender based assumptions getting in the way of logical decisions.

rabbitstew · 08/05/2013 13:02

Spero - Toby Young's point could be turned the other way round and you could comment that if having an all-consuming, high-powered career were so wonderful and fulfilling, more women would be pushing to do it. Yet most women do not want to be all-consumed by their careers, any more than most men or women want to be all-consumed by their children.

Spero · 08/05/2013 13:02

Lemon muffin - there was a thread recently where a woman said her husband just walked about the house dropping litter and never picked it up.

I share seekers view. The amount of chortling 'aw bless him!' Threads about men who treat their wives, their homes and their marriages with contempt is very sad.

Any man who is of average intelligence and not suffering for some physical or neurological impairment knows damn well how to put a wash on, where the children's clothes are kept and how to do the washing up.

flatmum · 08/05/2013 13:04

If I ever out earn my DP by a sufficient amount that it wasn't worth paying for all the childcare he would happily stay at home (and why not - they'd be at school most of the day!!). He'd be better at it too as he is calmer than me.

Spero · 08/05/2013 13:06

Rabbit - that's my point about distinction between sexes. A lot of women would rather be with their children when small. But a significant proportion don't. A lot of men prefer working - but a proportion don't.

It's about choices. Each have upsides and down sides. The point is, don't beat people up for making a choice with such ridiculous, uniformed statements such as 'nursery is tantamount to child abuse'.

As someone - sadly - with an enormous amount of knowledge about chi,d abuse and a lesser amount about nurseries, that kind of thing makes me angry and sad.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/05/2013 13:11

MTS.

I agree that if you are set on a certain direction or have a particular philosophy finances have nothing to do with it.
I'm perhaps the opposite of you in that I wanted to look after a baby full time Grin

Trudi3 · 08/05/2013 13:13

Educated two of our children in state system and one private. Private was waste of money, it's not just the fees its all the hidden extras. Two that were state educated now Dr. and lawyer much more 'rounded' children. Parental input is important though, always get involved with them, their activities and their schools programme and teachers.
Private educated children much worse off when they get to Uni. they have been so spoon fed that they don't know what to do!

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 08/05/2013 13:19

seeker - here on MN I often read posts from women going on about how they don't have a clue about DIY or how they need to speak to their DH and ask for advice about the family PC. One woman was even asking for advice about filling in her tax return. Apparently her DH always did it for her but that he is her ex she had no idea how to fill her 2013-13 return.

I don't suppose that you want to tell these men that they should stop enabling their women cgikf

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 08/05/2013 13:20

.. women child?

rabbitstew · 08/05/2013 13:21

Spero - I never said it wasn't about choices and I never said it is abusive to put a baby in a nursery. If it makes the parents deeply unhappy to have to do it, it's a bad thing, however, just as staying at home and being bitter and frustrated about that is a bad thing. We can't really help being the people we are and the parents we are, so I do agree with you that the more sweeping statements made by some psychologists about what is good and what is bad for babies and small children are patronising, harmful codswallop which just seem designed to make everyone feel bad. If we listened to everything some of these people said and took it all on board, we would all be desperately depressed that we had failed our children in some way. And it's a bit rich, coming from psychologists, anyway, given that I know hardly anyone who went into psychology because they were superbly well adjusted people themselves.

seeker · 08/05/2013 13:22

MTS- did you know the earth goes round the sun, Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice and Dr Who has two hearts?

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 08/05/2013 13:25

Trudi - I have never understood the spoon fed criticism directed at private education.

Is it similar to when state schools hand out photocopied course notes complete with the teachers 'conclusions' and the pupils are asked to memorize them for the exam? .

MTSCostcoChickenFan · 08/05/2013 13:26

seeker - I'm sure that when you rolled that around in your head it sounded very witty indeed.

rabbitstew · 08/05/2013 13:27

Basically, I'm the best person to decide what is best for me and my family. Only I know what makes me stressed and what makes me happy. Xenia clearly doesn't know.

Takingthemickey · 08/05/2013 13:28

Trudi really you conclude that private schooled children are spoon fed and struggle at Uni based on the experience of your child? Tell that to all the highly successful men and women I know that went to private schools. This type of generalisation would be as stupid as saying all state school students are ill-prepared for university.

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