Think Carefully Before Opting for Private Education

[PRMum2012]

i am a mum of two (23 months and 3 in august)I am self-employed, part time and married to a lovely architect. We have a great life and two happy kids.

On paper I would say I have not done too badly with my life and my aim is to work full time as soon as possible now my kids are a bit older. If the work was available I would happily work full time now.

Despite setting up my own business I can't help feeling like a failure that I can't afford for my own children, what my parents did for me.... It annoys me that I put so much importance on it ... I am now passionate about finding a decent local primary school for my children so they don't feel the same pressure i do now, when they are older and looking for schools for their kids ....but i'll be honest ......assuming i can afford it i would try and do it from 11 if i can....!!!!...

Hopefully by then, my kids will have an input too and they will be forming their own opinions on the issue.

Depending on mortgage and family support I can't see that it's possible for anyone with two kids earning under £80,000 - £1000,000 + (as a family income) to afford private education anymore, my advice is unless you have a thriving business or two, work as a dr, lawyer or banker.... Forget it.

It's really hard to watch my younger sibling do it for her kids, they are paying for private prep while we cant afford it.... But it really upsets me I feel like this... why can't I just be happy for them and quietly satisfied that I don't need to pay on top of my taxes for my kids education.

For my own primary education i went privately, tried the local school for secondary education but was bullied so moved back to the private system.... I had a mix of private and state during secondary - my second private school was amazing but the second state school I attended for 6th form (my choice) was great too so why is this all having such an impact on what I want for my own kids.

My DH is much more laid back, he went privately all the way through but doesn't place as much value on it as I do/did....I wish I felt the same way but all I feel now is pressure to earn more money so I can pay for them both from 11.

I wish people would read what I post before rolling their eyes.

I buy my meat in bulk from Costco and my vegetables from the market so I probably pay less than you for the same stuff. Tonight it's chicken pasta pesto. That's about £7 for the family. Got some chicken drumsticks out of the freezer for tomorrow. That plus potatoes carrots will make a casserole for about £8. I have a large pizza and dough balls for day after. That's about £5.

As for eating out - two words. Corporate Entertainment. People take me out. I take them out.

Bella - I am not a mind reader. When you said that you spend £x on food how was I.suppose to know that you meant loo paper, cleaning products etc?

I bulk buy everything so I've no idea what the cost averages to be either weekly or monthly.

By the way, I work from home 2 days a week and I work on average 9 hours a day so even with MN time I still work a lot more hours than other people. Plus I don't take fag breaks.

Its funny MTS, some people dont like to eat cheaply, but my DB just uses food for fuel. He wouldnt dream of going to a restaurant. Its quantity for him, it wouldnt be my choice by there you go.

Good for you that you have made your choice, it might not be the choice others would make but its YOURS.

On a slighly different tack. I recently applied to re-mortgage. I went through the outgoings with a new mortgage company and they couldnt believe we both didnt have travelling costs. My DH works locally and if he travels the client pays, same with me. Their systems didnt like it and they couldnt work out why neither of us had any. Its just our circumstances (and choices!).

Well...to be fair, the OP was moaning and asking. She really wants to send kids to private - so I think MTS has a point. We live on 45,000 - 55,000. I have to make choices, I feed my family only freerange or organic meat out of ideology but we don't have a pension or accident insurance. NHS dentist. etc etc We pay a huge mortgage. Therefore, if I earned 80,000 - 100,000 I could afford sending two children to private school for sure. (DS is going indy, but on a bursary-scholarship combination).

And that's it isnt it. Some families need two cars, some choose to live in the middle of nowhere where there is little private transport, some dont want to move away from family, some choose to eat only M&S food, some have 1 child to afford their chosen lifestyle, some dont have certain insurances, I believe 25% of people go abroad without health insurance (stupid idiots!) and it goes on.

What might work and be your choice is not necessarily another person's.

Handcream - your DB reminds me of my dad :)

hardboiled - it was getting quite lonely here on my own. Here, have a

MTS be careful you've almost spent half your stated food budget for the week in three days. You've now only got £5 a day to feed them. By the way do your family only eat 1 meal a day?
I'm with seeker on this one no education is worth starving yourself for.

MTS was wondering you were going to stop justifying your spend. Bella et al are not interested in how you can live of £500pw, they were never going to say 'aha!! its actually possible on £80k - £100k if one did a bit of budgeting'. I for one cook mostly from scratch and have always bulked buy even when DS was in state ed. So can understand how food can cost £42pw. Mine varies from £40pw to £150pw depending on what we eat.

A bit that such is the animosity towards PE tha it led Seeker to say this I can't imagine any education so bad or so good that I would voluntarily feed my family on what I could buy for £42 a week to either avoid or access it-that's £10.20 a week per person! My ds spends that on school lunches. I such comments werethe preseve of people who accessed PE. There are people (myself included) who survive perfectly well on £40pw!!

Moving on, OP I agree with COry that the best advice so far is this

I am a firm believer that there is no point worrying about things you cannot afford to give your DC. It is utterly corrosive. One has to concentrate on what one can give

and

*But I should say it is very silly not to give your DC somehting you can give for fear that they might feel bad if they can't.

You could say that about anyhting. Oh better not buy that nice house in case it makes my DC feel sad if they can't afford one. Oh better not go that nice holiday...better not buy decent food...*

Now that MTS has explained his/her figures better, I think they make sense.
Some of his/her expenses are covered or sorted business wise, some are sorted by being included in the school fees, and other household expenses
he/she spends, seem quite frugal compared to many.

Apart from questions of overall affordability, it seems to me that it is also a question of how much of your child's education you want to be provided by the school and how much you would want provided by joint family activities.

I wouldn't want better facilities at school for my dc if it meant I could not afford to keep a well stocked family library, to take them to theatre, to travel with them, to let them develop their interests in an activity that suited them regardless of whether that was provided by the school or not. To me, these are things of at least equal educational value to those provided by a good school.

MTS I get what you are saying. All I know is people who say things like PE is a waste of money and the DCs mostly end up snobby, drug addicts, no better than state educated DC, spoon fed, pressured etc are nt really loking fror a sensible discussion.

What you were trying to do for OP is no different for what I did for DSis when she asked how we saved for our first house years ago. We had similar sal as they do now. We hd to budget to save for a deposit. I know times are tougher than now but we had childcare then but she doesn't have childcare.

... I know times are tougher now....

socareless - I know what you mean. My favourite is the comments about how private schools are full of bitchy mums and bullying. Yup, you get none of that at state schools.

But, hey I occasionally need to take a break from work and it beats standing outside in the cold with a fag. Not that I smoke so thats another outgoing that I don't have and others do :)

OK- I think I need to start another thread "how is it possible to feed a family of 4 on £42 a week" I find it genuinely baffling. Nothing to do with animosity towards private education, socareless, don't she how you made that link! I could do it if I absolutely had to, obviously, but it would be so hard, and so dull.......

Well, all I can say is that it is wonderful to be able to easily afford your chosen lifestyle and therefore not have to know precisely how much you spend on food, toiletries, petrol, insurance, mortgage, music lessons, leisure activities, etc, each week. Life's too short and unpredictable to fret about letting your children down when they are healthy, happy, intelligent and doing well in life. Who cares what education sector they are thriving in?...

Happy - strange comment about starving myself in order to pay school fees.

We bank DP's income so we are hardly plowing all available funds into fees.

In anycase, dinner this week has been/will be hunters chicken with mash, chicken pasta pesto, pizza and dough balls, noodles with dumplings from Wing Yip (yup, bulk buying again) and Spaghetti Bolognese. Hardly Gordon Ramsay but we are hardly 'starving' ourselves.

It's interesting that you and seeker are focusing on how much I spend on food as opposed to what I am spending it on. It's a lot less than what you are spending so by default it must be cheap crap. If it's expensive like your stuff then by default it must be better quality .

Or am I wrong on this and the OP actually has to worry about affording her lifestyle even before trying to factor in school fees?

MTSgroupie - shocked by your lack of fruit and veg.

"It's interesting that you and seeker are focusing on how much I spend on food as opposed to what I am spending it on. It's a lot less than what you are spending so by default it must be cheap crap. If it's expensive like your stuff then by default it must be better quality"

I didn't say that- (although I wouldn't under any circumstances buy costco chicken). What i said is that it would be very hard to do. I am a very frugal shopper- but I just don't see how it's actually possible to feed 4 people long term for 40 quid a week. I'm fascinated. For example, I spend about £10 -at least- a week on fruit. But maybe this needs it's own thread!

Crikey I am amazed that some people can really feed a family on so little. We cook everything from scratch and it's always Tesco or Sainsbury's but never spend less than £100 per week, normally is more like £130 although it is 6 of us and 2 kids are gluten free so some of it is more expensive. Still we are nowhere near £40.

On the OP's point I wholeheartedly agree with this:
"I wouldn't want better facilities at school for my dc if it meant I could not afford to keep a well stocked family library, to take them to theatre, to travel with them, to let them develop their interests in an activity that suited them regardless of whether that was provided by the school or not. To me, these are things of at least equal educational value to those provided by a good school"

I would love to send mine to a great secondary independent near us but if the things I would never compromise are the ones above because they are really important to me. So private education would come fourth I guess after: 1 - a decent house, 2 - decent food - 3 - all the above. Certainly not bothered about materialistic stuff like cars and gadgets.

Am I the only person whose meals are a voyage of discovery, rather than planned in advance?... Very few of my meals have a recognisable name, despite my children's queries as to what they are eating tonight (er, everything that needed using up in the fridge mixed together?...).

That's fine, MTS- you know best.

(Thought there was scope for some sort of conversation- should have known better)

Mine are not planned in advance but a mix of favourites and what's in the fridge too. We call them "bitty meals". That's a cute name for scraps?