So Eton, everything I expected and more

[JoanBias]

My DS is at a private school, so I have experience of private schooling, but my word Eton was like another world.

Not just the school, but the people there.

There was one prep school being shown around, all in tweed jackets, and to a boy the spitting image of Draco Malfoy (well there was one Chinese boy, but otherwise....).

One of the mothers doing the tour was not quite right in some respect, I'm not sure how but something wasn't wired up correctly or something. She was immacuately dressed, 6-inch heels (pretty daft considering the confirmation letter warns about having a long walk), but she was just bizarre. The admissions tutor said 'we have a waiting list of 80 boys and typically 35% of these will make it through', and she asked afterwards 'so 80% of the boys from the waiting list make it through?', and it was then explained again, but you could kind of hear the cogs going round and she clearly didn't get it. She had asked several other similar questions; e.g., it was explained that some Houses are catering and others go to a central cafeteria, so she then asked 'so they all eat in the cafeteria'? She pointed at the Fives Court and asked me 'what do they play here?' I said 'Fives' 'Is it squash?', she said. 'No, Eton Fives.' 'So is it squash?' It seemed as if this woman had had the benefit of the 'Finishing School for the Terminally Dim', because she was otherwise every inch the presentable upper middle-class wife.

Another family had a son who looked the prototypical pre-Etonian, and sure enough Daddy spent the tour braying on about his House when he had been there.

The facilities were extremely impressive, although they didn't bother to show us any of the academic parts, and basically the impression was 'if your son is incredibly pushy and self-motivated, send him here and we will teach him to be entitled'. They said 'every year we reject about a third of the highest performers on the test', essentially because they aren't pushy enough. (The House Mistresses seemed quite nice though.)

Fantastic training for future managing directors and whatever, but not for us.....

Well worth it to sign up for a tour, very illuminating. They take about 100 a day from what I can see, so obligation at all....

She seems to use the "shock" posts as a sort of emotional shield.

Xenia, apologies I could have sworn that a few times I have noticed posters alluding that they were the island-owning Mumsnetter..

You make an interesting observation. I wonder why those women decide to give up their careers at all? No matter how low paid?

As for myself. I was set to earn more than my dh as I had a University education and was more ambitious than he was. Children were not part of our equation but accidents happen and I do not personally believe in abortion. Once a woman is pregnant it's very hard for her to pursue a career, after all who would give a job to a woman who is going to take maternity leave? One job I applied for gave me this incredulous reason for not taking me on; "the buses are quite unreliable so we are worried you might not get here in time." There were 5 buses I could have chosen, all of which would have got me there in plenty of time but there you go.

I suffered ante-natal depression during that pregnancy and I think that was the final nail in my career coffin. I allowed others to take control and became the meek little housewife who was incapable of making a single decision. A far cry from who I used to be.

After the second child I regained some of my vigor and insisted that dh pack his job in, sell our house and we all move to France. I would become the wage earner and I did. That was great for a while, but the red tape in France, dh's lack of job and my varied income working for various schools meant that we couldn't get our own place.

We returned and now here I am, 40 years of age, working from home as a copywriter, being paid a measly £10 for 500 words. But we have our own home, the kids aren't neglected, they each have their own room and we do have a family holiday every year. It could be worse. I know I've made mistakes that have cost me my career but then I have my family and I know which I'd rather have. I sacrificed my career for them but they are worth it as I'd rather have them than be rich, working like a slave with no time for my family or anyone else.

Yes being loaded gives you plenty of options but you still have decisions to make and some of those decisions still turn out to be bad, so we're not that very much different. The priorities certainly are, but if you are happy with your priorities and I'm happy with mine then what's to squabble about?

By the way, you could always sponsor dd

Posie

Check out the photo on JoanBias page-

Is that shit she's stirring in that pan? Either way the grouting could do with a clean .......

You know, I am a SAHM and I do think Xenia does hit the nail on the head sometimes.

When I gave up work I was earning by anyone's standards a Very Good Salary. But dh was earning 4 X this. Given that I had a crap pregnancy, a crapper birth, a premature dc and that dh was a workaholic, my returning to work didn't seem a good option.

Fast forward 14 years and dh's business went bust, he earns half of what he did before, but now if I returned to work I'd probably be on minimum wage as I previously worked in quite a specific job.

So (I know this is nothing about Eton!) sometimes Xenia's comments smart a little, but I do think it's true that many very successful women continue to have drive because they don't have the option to take a back seat.

Overall, the enemy of equality is a workaholic spouse!

I suspect the OP is real and expressing her findings and perhaps disappointment at finding Eton was not all she was hoping it might be. Ok she might have been a bit tactless in her description of the mother on the tour and the boys she met but more unkind comments have been made about other people and institutions. Many of us must have been on these school tours and have marvelled at the parents wondering what are they doing considering X when they so clearly know nothing about it. When we went round Eton a mum accompanied us whose DS was sitting the entrace exam that day she had no idea the school was selective didnt know if was over subscribed she appeared perfectly reasonable intelligent but admitted shed never read the website looked at the prospectus or been even on a tour she just put her sons name down one day when she'd got nothing else to do. Frankly I was a bit surprised in contrast another parent knew all about it and IMO was desperately trying to ingratiate herself with the women taking us around I suspect hoping this would be brownie points for her son. We once went round another well know boys school and the mother confessed to me she hadn't realised it wasn't coed and that she'd had to pretend that he DS was ill and that she'd bought her DD so that she could tell him all about it! Others do do these tours/open days like some go to NT properties lets face it many have lovely medeaval buildings and free food and wine!

And why has that photo miraculously disappeared then Joanbias?

When I gave up work I was earning much more than DH. [shrug]

I earned twice what DP earned and I gave up work......I must be a numpty salary shooter. Perhaps I was better able to meet the needs of young children or having carried them for nine months more invested in them than DP? I have read the entire thread and I agree with happygardening. My preference has been to spend the formative years full on with the children and I would happily send them off to boarding school. Safe in the knowledge that it is the early years that count and that children build resilience and coping skills during this time, this sets them up for greater independence later. DS was due to sit the entrance exams for Christ Hospital and would have done so had it not been for my mother passing away that week. He will sit the entrance for the 13+ and has expressed the desire to board as he is keen to experience all the extra curricular activities such as fencing and shooting. Not something we can offer him at home.

crikey.

I'm so glad my little one goes to a nice friendly supportive school where I don't have to wear make up in the mornings and the other children and mums accept us for who we are. And are just as bad!

You may think the other mums accept you for who you are, Queenmarigold....

I don't wear make up at all, all day. I don't really care what other people think of me, provided I'm always true to myself and live up to my own standards of courtesy and consideration for others.

No career has ever been of sufficient interest to me to justify sacrificing in any way the things which are of colossal interest and importance to me simply in order to earn more money than my dh.

I'm quite happy to be totally disingenuous when it comes to my children's education. I do draw the line at competitive fashion and make up though.

I would take down Eton brick by brick given a chance but in view of the fact that it is there,will remain so and a few poorer children are lucky enough to scrape in, why not just take advantage of what is on offer. I can't believe OP is being quite so sniffy.

*mimi I'm so sorry to hear about your mother I k ow how important our mothers are to us.
The formative years I had with my children were fantastic we has such fun together not a flash card in sight just lots of games and stories and dog walks as you said a time when children learn resilience and coping skills that hopefully stay with them for life. Good luck with Christs as well.

Rhubar, I am the one who owns an island but one who owns an island was always Xenia unless we have Branson or Bear Grylls two of my fellow island owners in our midst. Incidentally all 3 of us went to private schools. Private schools - islands. State schools Monaco? Thinking Philip Green here. Someone will now tell me he went to Eton and I will shut up.

Too much make up looks as common as muck actually. In England you show your lower class origins if you show off with brands etc. All great fun.

As for giving up work it's risky. Yes some women do earn more than their men when they give up work but not most. Is one reason I'm quite well off because I earned more than my other half so even before we got engaged we had discussions about who would work if childcare did not work out and he offered to give it up knowing I would earn an awful lot more (ultimately 10x what he did)?

On pregnancy there is an assumption in that post. I was hired at 5 months pregnant with 2 children under 4 and they knew I took 2 weeks to have babies in so they were not put off. It is NOT the case that you hire someone who will be off for months,. Plenty of women don't take loads of time off nor want to. Although the more who do the harder it is for those who don't to convince an employer they won't be like that. That is why these personal decisions are so political and have such implications for other women .

Every child is unique and different. I have not heard one good story about boarding schools yet. Every single person I know who has gone to boarding school (which is admittedly not many) has hated it. My MIL ran away from hers.

I enjoy being with my children even now when they are 12 and 8. My 8yo ds suffers from separation anxiety so could never go to a boarding school as he can't even go to a friend's house without me being there. My 12yo dd is a joy to be with and I can't imagine being parted from her just yet. We get on so well together, share interests and opinions and I learn from her as much as she learns from me.

Yet someone else's children may excel in a boarding school.

Yes those with money have a far higher chance of getting into Eton (how many students are from poor backgrounds? And are their fees subsidised in some way?). Being realistic, they only accept poorer students because they are told to.

I don't like the hierachy of Eton. The notion that there are betters and elders. Do the younger pupils still have to do some work for the older ones? The one thing a working class community has is that it doesn't matter who you are, everyone is treated equally. I have a different accent to my neighbours and some of them are on benefits whilst others are working couples with nice cars but because we all live on the same estate we all get on, we meet up once a week and we'll help each other out. These are the principles I want to teach my children. Respect should be earned not just blindly given. I'm not sure that Eton has the same principles. I could be proved wrong but most of the ex-Etonians you hear about do tend to be ruthless, pompous and arrogant.

Ah Xenia where were you on the 4x4 thread???? Brands, labels and lower class. It was rolled gold and sovereigns all over the city "Landie".

I don't know that thread, sorry. Grayson Perry did a good 3 part programme about class and showed the real upper classes with clapped out cars and rotting furniture. I always like that people come to this house and want to two the £800 cars away thinking we could not possibly like the adored vehicles but of course it's also inverse snobbery - we are all as bad as each other really.

Xenia, you were lucky then when you were pregnant as I applied for plenty of jobs that I was more than qualified to do but none took me on. I told them right away that I was pregnant but that I also had just completed my University degree and I didn't want to waste it. I was ambitious still, then. That slowly eroded away with each knock back until I just accepted what my MIL and own mother suggested and stayed at home looking after dd, cooking and being a housewife. I gave up on myself.

Funnily enough I was in Monaco just last week. We went on a camping holiday near Nice and spent a day in Monaco. It was a very strange feeling watching people gamble away hundreds, even thousands that we would have to work months to earn. A completely different lifestyle that actually tore at me in a way I don't like to admit. Feelings of resentment and jealousy surfaced so I had to give myself a damn good kick up the backside.

We have no idea what peoples lives are like so who are we to judge? Compared to some people, dh and I are rich. Why is it that humans are never thankful for what they have but always want more. When they have more they are never satisfied but search for yet more? Perhaps we think that fulfilment can be bought?

Anyway, perhaps I passed by your island Xenia? If we go again I'll give you a wave

I go away for a day and it's too long to read.

For the post eons back about the downsides of Eton, I'd say they happen in the first year. It's a huge shock, the work is exceptionally difficult and voluminous and most boys have been top of the tree at prep school so they all struggle finding their place and accepting they probably will no longer be top of the tree. It's like a university. Exactly what my son needs, but probably at 15 not 13. The uniform makes it difficult to distinguish the first years from the sixth formers and I think that, although not meant, the staff probably treat the young ones as sixth formers when they need more nurturing. Too much responsibility and very unforgiving.

But it seems that after the first year it's a great place to be. I very much hope that will be the case...

I went to boarding school and there is no way on earth I would send my children to one. I do feel that there is something lacking in my relationship with my mother, that my sister, who only went for a year is closer to her. When I did come home at weekends, I felt almost like a cousin who had come to stay, my sister took over my bedroom one week and when I came home, I was told it was OK for her to have done that because "You don't live here".
It was mainly my own doing that I went. I wanted to go. I had read far too many Enid Blyton/Chalet School type of books and for some reason thought it would be all Midnight feasts and hockey. I think we had one midnight feast the whole time I was there and I was awful at hockey!

If someone was bullied and friendless, there was no respite for them. At least in a day-school, you go home and home is a safe haven. In boarding school there is no safe haven. I was lucky to have good friends but some poor girls had a hellish time.

I also think I would have achieved better exam results if I'd gone to the local school my primary-school friends went to. Those girls had the incentive to work for their results. I was in school with a lot of privileged girls to whom good results were neither here nor there. They would still be employed in the family business if they never went to university/college. I suppose I could have worked harder but when you're 16-17, you can be heavily influenced by your peers. In the end I did fine but could have done better.

The rhubarb - Eton has offered scholarships for many years, not 'because they were told to'. Today there are bursaries as well as scholarships.
No, the younger pupils do not have to fag for the older ones and haven't since the 1970s.
'most of the Etonians you hear about do tend to be ruthless, pompous and arrogant'. Blimey, you are really getting a swipe in there, aren't you? Have you actually met one before you make such assumptions.

I really don't think you need feel jealous about people gambling. Serious gamblers usually end up losing everything. If anything I would feel sorry for their families

THERhubarb your preconceptions about Eton are at least 30 years out of date. I don't mind people disliking the school, but at least base that on fact, not just something you heard ages ago.

Many boys (20% now) have fees fully or partly paid for and come from a suprisingly wide range of backgrounds. In DS's house last year there was a Palestinian boy from a Lebanese refugee camp who had won a scholarship which paid for everthing. Fagging was ended decades ago

You should back track a few pages and read BadLad's (an OE) posts.