Why are quieter children so undervalued?

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I've got three children, some extrovert and some introvert. And each year some teacher will bring up the more introverted ones quietness as if it was a fault. It really irritates me, anyone else?

I don't really have that experience totally.

Dd1 is very shy. She struggles to say "hello" to someone she knows well. She certainly wouldn't go up to someone she didn't know, or tell a teacher if something was bothering her. She's flourished at junior school, and has just had the leading girl part in the year 6 play, including singing solos. He current teacher said at the last parents evening that she was so outstanding at everything he was going to sound very boring talking about her! She's been prefect, on school councils, monitors, always getting awards...

Dd2 is outwardly very extrovert. She's quite sensitive inside, but doesn't really show that at school. I had to go in and point out she hadn't had the star of the week a couple of weeks ago after the teacher had said that "she was sure she'd had it". But she doesn't get anything. She's academically similar, very keen to be involved, but much louder and just doesn't seem to get given anything in school.

Ds otoh proves that the naughtier you are the more awards you get for not being naughty...

Thanks everyone, I hope some teachers reading this will take note.

I think maybe the problem is here is the teacher,rather than the shy child - I think a lot of teachers get their feel-good validation from having their class interact with them. "I must be a great teacher/person because look how much my class are involved with me & enjoying this". Maybe the teacher is bothered by your child's nature because she cant get the validation she wants from it. She'd like your child to be different so she can get what she wants from their interaction?

I love teaching the quieter children in my classes. I find that they are often the more thoughful ones. I don't believe that they need to be turned into extroverts as long as they are just naturally quiet as opposed to lacking in self-esteem or crippled by shyness, which can be a problem.

Well I am an odd introvert/extrovert hybrid - and a Primary Teacher.

I was never shy to put my hand up in class and share my ideas, but was (and am) very sensitive, generally quiet and easily upset.

I have been described as an understated, quiet and calm teacher. I may not be a bombastic showman, but I put a huge emphasis on relationships in my classroom. I work hard to get to know my children - and not only in an academic sense. It is important to me that they trust me.

For speaking and listening I have a range of strategies to get ideas from the introverts. I sometimes pair them up with a good friend and ask them to interview each other on a subject and then ask what their partner said. This means that they have the support of a friend and are giving an answer which is not their own, which seems to increase their confidence.

I work hard at the beginning of each year to foster an environment where we value each other and our ideas and where mistakes are expected and important parts of learning. I come down very hard on teasing or unsupportive behaviour.

I also try to rely on a hands-up approach as little as possible and try to prevent the stronger characters from taking over my teaching. I do this by handing out little whiteboards and pens to the limelight-hoggers and let them write down and show me their answers. That way, i can acknowledge that they are correct while also having the opportunity to ask a quieter child.

I'm not saying I'm great at all (I'm really not) and I have been criticised for being soft (I'm not, but a lot of teachers in my school are shouters - and I am softly spoken as I much prefer a calm environment). I am just defending my profession. We are not all extroverts who only value other extroverts.

I get the same with dd, I am a total extrovert but she's like her dad. Her form tutor EVERY year says that she doesn't join clubs at school, is very quiet etc, and I have to remind him that she does panto every year, dance lessons etc. he seems to think that because in a crowd she is quiet that she won't succeed or have fun.

It's just how she is

As a teacher I would never comment on a child being "shy" but would report to parents if the child was frequently passive during lessons, as this can have a detrimental effect on their learning (and I would use the word passive) I'm talking about the child that has to be coaxed into taking even a minor part during carpet input, or who will sit back and wait to be told what to do during every group task, or not be involved at all.

My aim is to produce children who are independent learners and prepared for the challenges of adult life, so while shyness wouldn't feature as a concern in my book, passivity would definitely be something that I would feel duty bound to report back to parents.

I would want to nurture those children to feel that what they have to offer is valuable, and I would hope that the parents would support me in this - hence raising it as an -albeit minor- issue.

Interestingly, the most common barrier to learning in more passive children, is a fear of making mistakes, and this can easily be overcome by teachers and parents working together to reassure and encourage the child.

Perhaps speak to the teacher to clarify what they mean by "shy" and whether it is a barrier to your child's progress or simply a personality trait.

marking place in thread to come back and read later....i have one of these children too and i worry about him :(

A good teacher would not allow the most confident children to dominate during a group task situation. instead they would actively teach leadership skills such as delegation, compromise, role distribution, supervision of tasks etc.. and would ensure that children manage their own expectations in terms of their influence within the group. They would also ensure that every child has an equal opportunity to take on the leadership role. Incidentally, making posters is not a valuable group task unless the group have decided amongst themselves that this would be the most appropriate way to present their learning.

I think one of the biggest problems for parents receiving school reports is that so many teachers veil their concerns about a child in "nice" language because we are encouraged to put everything across in a sugar coated, positive way. So passive can easily become "shy" or "quiet" (which tells the parent nothing), lacking motivation becomes "laid back" and distracting behaviour is presented as "lively" etc. Far from helpful.

I try to be straight with parents so they fully understand my concerns. They are very rarely shocked, as it is not often that you tell them something that they don't already know and experience at home. The child who needs to moderate his reactions to others is often the child that will lash out at his siblings at home; the child who doesn't take responsibility for her own belongings is usually the child that will break or lose her toys. If you see what I mean...

In your situation I would take the time to clarify what the teacher means by "shy" and whether it is impacting negatively on your child's progress. If not, I would want to know why it was highlighted in the report at all, seeing as it is merely a personality trait and part of what makes your child who they are.

I had a mum to see me last week because she is very worried about her daughter's quietness to the point she won't speak to her grandfather who she doesn't see every day or to her friends if they say hello in the street or park. She's the same in school and yes it is becoming a real concern because in 12 months she will be off to secondary school

Please put the blame on teachers for the way your children are. I was painfully shy as a child outside my house but very strong academically. would not speak up in class and had a handful of friends. Mum noticed it, perhaps from my sch report and did a lot to help me overcome it. I am still quiet but not as self conscious as my 9 year old self.

I am fortunate to be blessed with 2 DSs who are extroverts (although some days I wish they were more like me). Below are the comments we have gotten so far for DS1 (just finished Y2)

Pre-sch - Very confident, polite, caring but can be boisterous.

YR - Polite, confident, but very competitive and likes to be the first/only person to get a question right. We took her comments on board and worked on the competitiveness.

Y1 - Polite, confident, friendly but needs reminding that calling out in class is unacceptable

Y2 - Polite, confident, has a wide circle of friends, sensible.

Basically because we have picked out the boisterous, uber-competitiveness and calling out and worked on them in Y2 those sort of comments were not on his report.

For DS2 his report says this

Pre-sch - Confident, has a strong friendship group, a very kind and loving boy, gets frustrated if he isn't the winner, can be boisterous but very quick to say sorry.

We will be working on the areas that we feel needs attention.

I think for your DC's sake you need to take the comments on board.

Sorry opening line should read 'do not put the blame on teachers...'

I don't blame the teacher for DS1's lack of confidence but she did nothing to help and actually mad it worse. Then at Parents' evening asked us what we were going to do about it.

I think deabilitating shyness is an issue and quite rightly it needs to be addressed. But confident, quiet introverts (my dd is one) should be accepted for who they are. DD will happily go and ask for something in a shop or go and speak to the teacher if she needs to. She just isn't one of the louder characters and won't always show off everything she knows in front of a large group.

Iyatoda, I am fortunate to be blessed with two introverts and an extrovert. All our children are blessings, aren't they?

I teach drama, but certainly don't undervalue quiet children. There is a difference, though, between those who are quiet but confident and those for whom shyness prevents them participating. I do believe that part of my job is to encourage the DC who hate having to perform or speak in front of others and to help them develop the confidence or the coping strategies to be able to do so. I often remind DC that there are very few jobs which will not involve them talking to others, and that as they move through school, then go on to leave, they need to be able to present to others. I also believe that speaking/performing/ presenting in front of other people is a skill which needs to be learned and practised regularly- little and often, and so all of my KS3 students do it to some extent every lesson. Self confidence is a life skill, for both extroverts and introverts.

BTW, OFSTED currently dislike the "hands up" approach- a skilful teacher will simply ask questions and should involve as many students as possible. This removes the issue of louder kids contributing more than they should.

My almost five year old is very reserved, gentle laid back boy. He isn't very boisterous and not really a follower. He likes to play with groups of children but can be happy in his own company too. This year he hasn't been chosen for anything or given any rewards even though his teacher speaks highly of him. It is really sad that the quiet children get overshadowed as if they don't need the recognition, but they do. My son tried so hard to reach certain reward targets but never got anything. I suppose that is life but it just really knocked his confidence.

I was a quiet, academic child. I wasn't exactly shy, but I was reserved (for example, I hated stating the obvious, and would rather make one insightful comment in a lesson than several superficial ones). Pretty much every school report I ever received went on about how I needed to contribute more (typical comment "I know she knows the answer, but she needs to demonstrate that she knows the answer") yada yada yada. Coped OK at school as I had a circle of similar, introvert friends. Am now a teacher myself, and am frankly shocked at how many of my fellow teachers seem to value the loud, outgoing children more - some of them talk quiet openly about how they find the quieter, more sensitive children 'boring'. Also, while 'Speaking and Listening' is now an integral part of the curriculum (and both skills are important), in my experience far more emphasis is placed on the 'speaking' part than on the children's ability to be active and effective listeners. Have just read 'Quiet' by Susan Cain (already mentioned above) which, while quite American-focused, has a lot to say about how the Western education system, with its emphasis on presentation skills and collaborative learning, tends to favour extroverts.

Two of my DDs were very very (as some would describe 'painfully') shy as children. I myself was a shy child and so have always seen it very differently and far more positively than most.
I think there are the pros and cons, like there are to being an extrovert.
My DDs were both well liked, kind, thoughtful, hard working, determined and well behaved. They never shared their ideas unless asked. They never volunteered for things unless pushed. Reports were always the same, a few lines about how great they were doing followed by the standard 'needs to participate more' comment.
I have seen in with my children and remember it myself, some teachers can relate and know how to deal with shy children and bring the best out of them while appreciating and celebrating their nature. Those who got frustrated and tell children to 'speak louder', 'come on join in' or, the worst, actually tell critically the child 'don't be shy' all make me so angry- they do nothing for the child but make them even more shy as they fear so much that just being them is not good enough and is wrong.
Teachers who really encourage, engage with shy children showing that they are just as important and worth talking to as louder children are the ones that make the difference. Celebrating shy childs successes, because unlike louder children they wouln't be shouting out 'do you like mine?' or 'i just did X' and letting them know they are good enough just how they are and you value them and celebrate their attributes.
I love the phrase 'quietly confident' or 'quietly content', finally celebrating and not putting a bad attibute to being shy.

Yes, its not an easy ride in the real world being an introvert but there are many successful introverts and confidence and shyness is not to be confused. The qualities they have are just as needed and valuable.
My eldest son was certainly an introvert, more so as he got older, and is completing his med school training with ambitions to be a surgeon. Hardly not getting along in the world or not managing to be successful!!

I agree with the OP. I have a DD1 who has had her 'quietness' mentioned on her school report every year. She's Year 4 now. I don't know what they expect us to do, as she is not quiet at home. She has got a lot better in class and does raise her hand to ask questions and take part in show and tell. It's possible she will always be the quiet one, relative to the other children, but if she has tried so hard to speak out, it must be demoralising to see the label 'quiet girl' stamped across her report. Her report this summer actually said 'X is a quiet girl but inspite of this remains popular with her peer group' Erm, maybe it's because of this that she is popular with her peer group.

Anyway, I know teachers are just looking for things to write but if they have not had to endure this label on their own school reports, I don't think they realise how it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm going to ask her Y5 teacher not to write anything about her classroom quietness on her report next year. After all, it's not news to us.

I have a gentle, thoughtful, observant and measured child. She is also a good listener and has a lot of very secure friendships. To those who don't know her very well she may be perceived as 'shy'. I agree with happymum22 and value the ' quiet confidence' she displays on a day to day basis.