Having a wibble If you were privately educated do you feel pressure to do the same for your children?

[NeverKnowinglyUnderstood]

I didn't feel any pressure, we have a fantastic primary school
however, every now and then I feel truly worried that we are not offering the children the same opportunities that we had.

Anything anyone can think of that will make me feel better? Or am I really basically going to have to try to find ££££ each term?

I sort of know what you mean. I was privately educated but my dcs are now in the local state school and we are very happy with it. However, I worry about secondary as our local state school is not great. I think there is an element of being comfortable with what you know (i.e. private). If you haven't had direct experience of state education it's easy to fixate on the potential problems instead of the very positive experiences of most kids.

neolara that is so it!
I can still clearly see the benefits of privately educating the boys.
However I can also clearly see the benefits of our local state options as they are really good.
I see the social mix within the state system as a plus and a minus all at the same time, I have friends who are secondary school teachers in the state system and some of the stuff they talk about (after a couple of pints) scare the wotsits out of me!

DH was privately educated up to 13, then went to Grammar school. I was state school all the way and now work in one.

DH always wanted to privately educate DS, and when he was 7, we were in a position to do so, and wanted to even more because we didn't like our Outstanding primary. We and DS have never regretted it and he will probably stay in independent through to 18.

They are totally different environments with different teaching styles and a focus on different things, and it isn't fair to compare the 2 systems.
I don't think either is better than the other, it depends on your child and what you want from their education. I like the old fashioned, sporty, competitive atmosphere, but I know that wouldn't suit all children and their parents.

I do believe that a bright happy child will achieve well almost anywhere, but it is easier to achieve well in a school where achievement is encouraged and is the norm - be that independent or a very good state school.

"Having a wibble If you were privately educated do you feel pressure to do the same for your children?"

No; Ive never seen the point of shopping by price tag and am not fashion prone.

Sorry OP - I've just read that back and it's a load of waffle.

I think what I am trying to say is that your children won't be disadvantaged by not being privately educated, as long as they are at good state schools that you are all happy with. I do think being happy with your choice of school is key.

third I think you have misunderstood my reasoning.

Diabiolo, thanks for your reply. I think that is it, I am comfortable with the old fashioned comptetitive atmosphere. I think I am yearning for that with our lovely local school.

A bit sometimes, but the schools here are good including at secondary.

The thing I worry about is the whole old boy's club thing - DH was a public school boy, and got his first job on the basis of who he knew - pay was crap, but the paid job in the field on his CV was enough to get him the good job he has now. But then I think that because we both went to private school, most of our friends went private or grammar our kids aren't going to have a lack of people in the know either.

Plus, it's really just not an option, we could never afford private school and I wouldn't want to start the kids in it just to have to pull them out and away from their friends.

My husband went to boarding school, and hence is a very strong believer in state education. I did very well in state school, and am sure my son will too (so far so good!)

OP shall we agree on having missed each others' meanings?

I buy what I like, and mine have no problems networking, unlike many of those who attend public schools nowadays. Schools have changed since my time, reflecting their pupils' backgrounds. I think you need a time machine.

I think if you can't afford it, there really is no point worrying yourself about it. It just becomes yet another thing to beat yourself up about.

I took the precaution of being poor and going to a shit school, so little to live up to on that score .

However, despite the fact that I have been able to offer my DC far more material comfort and a far better education than I had, I still find stuff to worry about. I grew up in the bosom of my extended family. My Nan was a massive part of my daily life. My own DC don't have that.

Daft really.

"Having a wibble If you were privately educated do you feel pressure to do the same for your children?"

No, I wouldn't wish my private girls school on my worse enemy!

Yes, I have to say it is really only the jobs thing that bothers me, and these days I know lots of other parents in interesting jobs so I know it really isn't the be all and end all. I would never send DCs to my old school or DHs (both utter shit at real pastoral care).

It's just difficult after 15 years of being told how lucky you are to be in private education and how much of an advantage you will have (And the very vocal relatives who think state school is a satan's pit) to shut off the little voice in the back of your head! It's very good advertising practice when you think about it.

I'm genuinely happy with the state school options here and that's the important part.

Dh was privately educated, I was state educated in a school with virtually no setting or streaming.

I think the reason neither of us has had a problem with our (financially necessary) decision to send dcs to state school is the overwhelming evidence we have seen that in the end education is what you put into it.

Dh loved his school and had no problems socially, but put in a minimum of work so failed his exams.

I was occasionally bored at school but developed a good work ethic and did well anyway.

I have read dh's old school reports and there is an overwhelming sense of enthuastic and engaged teachers desperately trying to lead the horse to water and failing to make him drink.

I think you need to talk to people who've had a good experience of state school, as well as looking into the ethos and practice of your local schools.

Personally I think the social in the state sector is positive and offers experience and understanding of a mixture of people your child might not encounter at any other time in their life, which stands them in good stead for understanding how the world works.

But, make sure there is a critical mass of motivated children whose parents believe in education and who are nurtured by the regime. If there is, your child can mix with them securely while being aware of others. That's a very different experience from being one of a tiny minority and feeling pressured to fit in with an unmotivated majority for the sake of self-preservation.

There are plenty of low quality private schools that are more about social exclusivity, sports facilities and pandering to parents' vanity than academic achievement. My state education was much better than that offered to friends who attended these.

A bright, motivated child can do well anywhere that offers a reasonable standard of teaching and support. A lot depends on home environment, parental example and expectation. The same child will do well at university and develop the sort of CV and attitude that will win them jobs on merit.

I've always thought private schools are more relevant for the mediocre children of complacent or less confident parents, who probably benefit most from the closer attention and encouragement available.

*'social mix'

Blimey lottiegb your last paragraph is a bit provocative.

diablo. I think your first post on here was one of the fairest, most honest and most insightful I've ever read on any private v state thread

lottiegb. The boy who lives next door but one to me attends private school and in his entrance exam scored 100% in the intelligence test they set. He is incredibly bright. The school he attends has a phenomenal exam record. I think these facts blow your 'thick kids go private' argument clean out of te water.

Blimey the parents at DC's private school are many things but 'complacant' or 'less confident' they surely aint.

I am very involved and supportive of my DC's education and I have high expectations but I am but an amateur compared to some of my peers .

I see lottiegb hasn't met Xenia yet.

No, I have no qualms.
I was private all the way to A level and then a crammer. My siblings were all at private.
So far only the one who gets the MOD to pay has gone private. The rest of us have moved to where there are good state schools.

Bear in mind that private school fees have risen at double the rate of inflation for the last 25 years.
What was affordable to our parents is not available to us.

Friends who went to public school have sent their kids to day schools for economic reasons.
Those of us who were at day have gone state.
So be it.

I was at a state primary and private secondary school. DH was at state school all the way, but his secondary was an all-boys grammar which might as well have been private - certainly had all the leafy buildings, hearty sportsmen and archaic traditions!

I must admit that as DD1 comes up to year 6, I am having the odd qualm about secondary options. The local independents look and feel sooooo much like my school experience (which was great) and the state options feel a bit alien. I am thankful that I know lots of local teenagers and 20 somethings who have flourished in the state system.

At a real push, we might have been able to stretch to private fees, but it would mean severely restricting expenditure on just about everything else. I'm going for the rational option which is to go for the "free" option and keep the flexibility to invest our time and money in a significantly better quality of life. The state option means I don't have to work full time, we can afford music lessons, go on holidays, extend our house to create bedrooms for each child, none of which we could do if we were paying fees. I think that's a better use of our money.

If the state secondaries were scary, that might be different.

thebestisyettocome you're not contradicting me at all, as I said, bright, motivated children will do well anywhere and, given this, it is perhaps the less bright and motivated who are likely to benefit most from the additional support available at private schools.

That is what I observed amongst my peers. Bright able children did well in either sector and have secured excellent jobs. Some less able children who might have been a bit lost and sunk below their potential in the state sector were probably helped to achieve more in the private sector. In state schools some did sink, others didn't. This begs the question, for a bright, able child, why pay extra when they'll do well regardless?

To put it another way OP, consider your children, their needs and learning styles. Find out about the schools in your area, their ethos, style and what else they offer. Work out which offer the best match. If there's not much in it, why pay considerably more for no guarantee of better results? You might even find that a state school offers a better match for your child's needs, personality and potential.

I do think if your experience is all private sector, you need to find a way to feel confident in and proud of your local state schools, if they deserve this of course (some are dire, I'm not defending those), so that using one might feel like a positive choice. That comes from being able to identify with them in some way. Talking to people who have had a good experience of the state sector might help. I think your original dilemma is about lack of familiarity, so feeling more comfortable sticking with what you know. You know that's not an objective basis for making a decision. So, how do you achieve objectivity? Only through knowledge and familiarity, preferably gained through people you know and trust.

It is my familiarity with the state sector and the good experience it can offer that makes me feel proud and happy to offer that experience to my child. Because I think this offers things the private sector cannot, I would feel sad that she was missing out on something positive, if for some reason I felt that I needed to send her to a private school. That's essentially the mirror image of your experience. It simply demonstrates that pride and confidence in the state sector is possible - so that perhaps there is no need for you to feel that this must be second best, just a different good experience from the one you had.

lottie if your experience is only with the state sector, then how do feel qualified to to day that private schools are more relevant for the mediocre children of complacent or less confident parents ?

I'm super-duper pleased for you that your state experiences are so positive, and that will hopefully make the OP feel happy with her choices.

But you clearly have a lack of familiarity with good independent schooling and it would be nice if you could perhaps think twice before making these sorts of really incendiary statements that our children are "less bright and less motivated".

Please, think how you would feel if independent parent made such foolhardy assumptions about you or your children.

diabolo that's not what I said. 'are most relevant for' is not the same as 'populated exclusively by'. I don't doubt that there are excellent private schools or that many bright children are educated privately and haven't suggested otherwise. Don't seek offense were none has been offered.

My comments are based on observation of and discussion with people I know; indirect experience but experience nonetheless.

Sod it. I'm throwing in the towel on this one as I simply can't be bothered to take part in yet another state v private argument, full of assumptions that my poor little DS is thick and needs additional support.

There are loads of really good schools out there OP, both sectors, where your DC will thrive and grow and be the best they can be. If you can't comfortably afford it, or don't want to move them just for the sake of it, please be reassured they will be fine in the maintained sector. More than fine. The mere fact that they are at schools you are happy with, and that you care, will be enough to motivate them to do well.