Having a wibble If you were privately educated do you feel pressure to do the same for your children?

[NeverKnowinglyUnderstood]

I didn't feel any pressure, we have a fantastic primary school
however, every now and then I feel truly worried that we are not offering the children the same opportunities that we had.

Anything anyone can think of that will make me feel better? Or am I really basically going to have to try to find ££££ each term?

My DH was privately educated. He felt pressure - to make a better choice of school for our DD than his parents had done. His school was mediocre, he had to teach himself and his pals A level chemistry. He was when he saw my state-school A level notes!

So - DDs at a state GS and thriving. She went to a private primary, we were rather short of good state choices because we're in one of those rural areas where all the nearby schools are faith.

Every child, every set of school choices varies - there's no rule, you just do the best you can.

lottiegb I too agree that bright motivated children do well in the state sector if you're only looking at results. But independent ed. when it is well delivered is so much more than results and this is what many bright children want need and thrive on and what so many parents of these bright able motivated children are paying often considerable sums for. But then if you've only experience of state ed you probably wouldn't understand this. I also believe there was a recent report by I think the Rowntree foundation stating that four indies sent a huge number to Oxbridge more than 2000 state comps I might be wrong about the figures but it was certainly disproportionate so obviously there are many bright capable in indie ed.

My children are in a private school. My friend (who lives 3 miles from me) is in the catchment of a fabulous state school. Both schools are OFSTED outstanding and although the private school has more flashy facilities, my friend's state school offers an equal quality of education. I send my children to the private school because we are not in the catchment of that particular state school. I will add that my house is worth half what my friend's house is worth! OP - if your state school is fantastic, be happy about it and don't worry.

PS - we did look at the private secondaries too - there was one which was comparable to the GS, we would have been happy with either so DD chose the one she liked best.

Don't think its as simplistic as state bad private good. There are fantastic state schools and less good ones and really quite lame private schools, though of course some are brilliant. I have friends who went to Oxbridge and have stellar careers from deeply average state schools and friends that went to top public schools who are struggling now. So you can't really generalise.

It is state-educated DH who is more adamant about private education for our DC than I am.

Lottie your statement about mediocre children of unconfident parents is as untrue as it is offensive.

I don't think indie ed guarantees a "good job" especially in this day and age and I'm unconvinced re the existence of the old boys net work. Someone I was talking yesterday who has one of those "good jobs" in the city felt that in the 21 st century being an old Etonian was a handicap and I've known others in "good jobs" say the same!

Of course there are alway anomalies kerala but the stats are very clear: pupils from indepoendent school are vastly over represented at Oxbridge and other RG universities. Particularly on the most competitive courses.

And the privately educated are vastly over represented in the jobs with most cash and infuence. Law, politics, business, finance, media, medicine. This despite the fact that state schooled pupils appear to do slightly better at university.

It's scandalous if you think about it!

This does not mean the op's child shouldn't buck the trend, of course not, but let's not pretend there isn't a trend.

No, we have some great schools.

My dad went to very posh schools. He always wanted to send his children to private schools even before we existed. But we were also brought up in an area with dire state schools and the private one we went to was quite cheap (but excellent and very academic).

I think my dad has always felt the need to compensate somehow for something. Not sure what, perhaps not being as wealthy as his family growing up (huge house, pony, boarding school).

I don't feel that BUT I want my children to be able to go to nice schools, if I didn't live in an area where that were possible with state schools I might feel differently.

Stealth You're saying it is untrue that such children would stand to gain most from a private education? Therefore it is the bright and motivated or the much less able who stand to benefit proportionately more, compared to their probable experience in the state sector? You may be right, I'd be interested to see the evidence, I'm only going on the experience of people I know.

How thinking that the private sector offers proportionately more benefit to some children than to others is offensive, I've no idea. Surely the alternative view is that all children have the same needs and learning styles and will benefit equally from the same style of schooling. I just don't think that's true.

Happygardening I do understand your point, I also think that state schools can offer benefits that private schools don't, which is why I see sending a child to a good one as a positive choice, not second best.

lottie Nobody on here is saying that state schools are second best.

Where did you read that? Who said it???

The OP didn't. She was talking about "opportunities" that private offers, much as the "so much more than results" happygardening refers to in her post at 19.15:24

Not a single person on here has been rude or disrespectful about the state sector, only you about the independent one.

Lottigb.
I don't buy your bright children do well anywhere argument. Having been through the state system myself I saw lots of bright children not fulfil their academic potential. There are lots of LEAs who don't send any of their children to Oxbridge (I think Knowsley is one of those areas). How do you explain this? Are these children in these areas being let down by their schools or are they all thick?

DP, privately educated, has never shown any interest whatsoever in private education for our daughters.

Not least because I went to Oxford from my state school and he, er, didn't.

MN isn't the real world though is it mother?

Look how many threads in education are about independent schooling? A great many more than the 7% figure tat represents the number of DC's in that sector.

I would imagine a lot of MNers are state educated but went to an Oxbridge college, far more than is represented in "real life".

It's the nature of this forum surely, that it attracts intelligent people?

(well apart from bits of AIBU, but that's another story)

thebest we have a friend whose a head at a super selective grammar and well regarded in education circles he always says the super bright by which he means the top .5% and above will do well any where. I don't know if this is based on actual researched facts or anecdotal evidence.
I suspect there will now be a torrent of postings disputing this and I from my own experience of one of my DS am sceptical and luckily have never needed to put it too the test!

I think it depends on what your understanding of "will do well" is -"will achieve decent exam results and get into a good Uni" - yes, probably, anywhere reasonable. "will be happy, achieve their full potential, and get a broad education" - I don't think so. Only in the right school - which may or may not be a private one. If there were local state school options that could provide that then that is where I would want to send my DC (not that I am saying they are top 0.5%, but you know what I mean).

What about the just 'bright' then happy gardening?
And is your friend then saying there are no bright kids in places like Kirkby where fewer numbers go on the Univeristy, in particular the RG ones much beloved by the folks on here

wow, sorry been busy and not been back.

I really hadn't wanted this to be a bun fight, or a straight state vs private debate.

It was more about the tug on my heart strings. I love so many things about the future of my childrens education. I love them growing and developing into grown ups. I want them to know that people from different back grounds aren't bad or scarey. I think that things like that make me know that they should be in the state system.

Thanks for the variety of views. You have helped me focus on my decisions.
I will always wonder if we have made the right choices, I guess that is the thing about being a parent.

Im not saying I agree that the very bright do well wherever they go. But my friend has stated examples of super bright children in dysfunctional and even disinteresed families and relatively poor performing primaries i.e. no children into the local grammars for many years who still without any tutoring effortlessly pass the 11+ into his school.
Of course what we don't I know is how many super bright children from these kind on backgrounds don't make it to his school and the like!
He does aknowledge that this doesnt necessarily apply to the "bright" eg top 10%.

neverknowingly all parents doubt regardless if they're paying £33 000 PA or nothing it's natural and one of the joys of parenting. I really believe it helps if you're positive about you decision what ever it may be.

The statistics of results from the two systems speak for themselves but if you cannot afford it then there's no point in worrying about it. I was only educated private and I and in fact all of the 9 cousins in this generation have all only been educated privately. It has worked out fine.

There is an issue here about people in general wanting to improve - each generation has tended to do better than the last. I remember getting central heating for the first time etc So there is a natural inclination to move on a bit further and better than your parents. If instead you have less than they had worse house, lower standard of living and inability to pay school fees you are bound to feel like a failure because you haven't even matched what they had. However if there is social mobility there is also social decline - some go up and some slide right down the greasy pole to the very bottom. Such is life. We are all fightin here tooth and claw like the competitive animals that we are.

Ah, so your friend is talking about primary level then, happygardening? In which case I have a friend in a similar position (possibly the same one ) who says the same - but contends that the gap then widens from 13 onwards. His advice to people who can afford private primary or private secondary is to go for secondary but I am not sure how objective he is as it is the uni entrance stats which make his school look so good and he would happily forgo preprep fees to get them

stealthsquiggle I have always assumed my friend is talking about primary and senior otherwise it would make no sense. IME and opinion for what its worth there are some really rubbish failing state schools but there are also a whole lots of excellent state schools with happy thriving children and that the difference between these and many independent schools is minimal in some cases the indie schools will be slightly better and in some cases the state schools slightly better. Then there are relatively speaking a handful off top performing schools most will be big names indie's with results to match. These can only take a small % of children because they are enormously over subscribed and of course super selective the education they offer if it works for you DC is probably in a different stratosphere to that offered in other schools. But most children don't go to these schools. Im not commenting on the fairness of this just stating facts. So OP if you children are at a good state school and your interested in them and happy to provide extras etc and are keep an eye on whats going on then then the likelihood is that they will be fine.

I went to a private all girl's school on an assisted place scheme and have mixed memories. I did well there, got good O'Level results and got through my teens with no experience of bullying, drugs boys and the general unpleasantness that my DH and our friends (who went to a truly dire state comprehensive a couple of miles down the road) had to cope with. On the other hand I wouldn't say I had a particularly rounded education, very academic maybe and definitely sheltered and I had RL issues that they didn't deal with very well.

30 years down the road my DSs are at a very good State school and thriving. I had no urge whatsoever to look at private schools for them. DD though... I'll admit I checked out my old school. No assisted places now though, so I'd imagine the mix of children is going to be skewed back to the well off of the area (even with bursaries) The curriculum is going to be more rounded I'd imagine due to the NC, but still, I think DD will do well at the same school the DSs are currently in, even if it is mixed .

I understand a little OP. My DD went to a lovely non selective independent and progressed to a lovely (free!) grammar. My DS is currently at the local primary which unfortunately isn't very good. If his school was one of the many decent primary schools that seem to be around..and reading the education posts, there are lots..I could remain settled...but we can't help feeling we aren't giving him the same opportunities as his sister and so are looking at returning to independent. I truly wish we lived somewhere where the primarys are as motivated and nurturing as a lot of people are describing...but we don't.