Having a wibble If you were privately educated do you feel pressure to do the same for your children?

[NeverKnowinglyUnderstood]

I didn't feel any pressure, we have a fantastic primary school
however, every now and then I feel truly worried that we are not offering the children the same opportunities that we had.

Anything anyone can think of that will make me feel better? Or am I really basically going to have to try to find ££££ each term?

OP Anything anyone can think of that will make me feel better?

Haven't read the thread properly so apologies if repeating ...
Remember: that was then, this is now. Don't go choosing schools based on your experience a generation ago, things have changed a lot since then. Use fresh eyes.

I know what the OP means. I was at all private schools, by accident - state mainstreaming hadn't begun and later became an expat brat. DP went to bog-standard comps.

It was really obvious when I went to an old school meetup that while almost all of us had kids under 5, within an hour there were two separate groups: the ones who assumed of course one would go private and the ones who weren't considering it at least for primary.

Almost all the definite-privates were having fees paid by their parents. Not an option for us, though my parents keep saying they'll start saving for ds to go private at 11. Which they could afford if they wanted but so far its all talk. I guess at some point we'll have to ask them to put up or shut up, as DP could take a City job and afford it if we felt it was really important, but at the cost of hardly seeing him.

I'm certainly happy to give the local schools a go because I always wondered what I'd done wrong not to be able to go to the local primaries, the state sector seems to have more inspiring visitors and trips in primary, and I'm confident I can teach my kids anything they need to know should their school fail to. And DP's schools had much better IT and CDT resources than any of mine 7 years later!

So unless it turns out that local schools have too much disruption for ds/dd to learn, which is unlikely as neighbors seem happy, state primary should be fine. Secondary is different; would be harder for me to support all subjects, but I think I could make up for any lack of extracurricular stuff. And advise them to join the Oxford Union and support them in internships etc if they want the types of career where knowing public schoolies would be useful. Though people ask me why, if I went to public schools and know a dozen Old Etonians, why don't I know anyone running the country? Thing is, the geeks don't go into politics...

I know what you mean, OP. My entire family were privately educated, my father is an academic, etc etc.

dds are at our lovely local state primary, for following reasons: we went to look at two local indies, and two local state primaries, and this school won our hearts for healthy sense of community, pastoral care, kids who were hugely enthusiastic about learning, and a good variety of families from all different ethnic, social, economic backgrounds.

I remember refusing to go to Oxford (where I grew up and was privately educated) because I felt I had only ever lived in a bubble...I don't want my dds to feel they live in a bubble, and the area of London we live in is prone to bubble-ish-ness, iyswim.

And yet, I get wibbly moments

I would also get wibbly moments if the dds were in one of the local indies, though, and that I am quite sure about. Perhaps I'm just prone to wibbles.

Not sure yet about secondary

Both my dh and I went to private school, tho our schools were completely different to each other. I agree with a previous posters comments, use fresh eyes.

I was adamant our children would go to the local primary and then we would decide at 11, depending on each child. I wasn't as passionate as my husband (who has always had a private all the way attitude) , and have never felt any pressure, as We are lucky that we have an excellent comp, but we also have a very excellent private school, and it was only when age 11 loomed I realised How important it was to me too, it also made me feel very lucky that we did have a choice, when you hear such horror stories that many don't.

in our situation my dh had a very good job before our first child was even born, its always been his goal. we have the fees set aside for both our elder children saved up until they are 18 and so I know we can afford it. We sacrifice in that tho mortgage free we do not have a posh postcode, my children most definatly do not live in a bubble!

"my children most definatly do not live in a bubble!"
I'm suspect my DS's live in a bit of a bubble one obviously because he is at a boys boarding school and prior to that a boarding prep. But the other one who is at a "nice" comp and was also at the same prep. We live in a twee middle class town where theres no crime or grotty bits. I genuinely don't know how problematic this will be for them in the future. But I don't think living in a bubble is the sole prerogative of the independently educated it also about where you live and how your family live their lives.

DH and I both attended small London day schools. I enjoyed my time at school and did reasonably well academically. I always envied my friends who attended state schools as they seemed to have more fun and variety at school.

We live in a grammar school area and our children sat the 11 plus and entrance exams for a couple of independent schools. They passed their 11 plus and we thought that sending them to grammar for 5 years and then boarding for A level would be our best plan.

I do feel that although their grammar lacked many of the facilities of the local private schoolsl, they have achieved their potential academically and we have been able to afford to have a good standard of living for the whole family which we would have had to drastically cut back on if we had chosen to privately educate from year one.

DH was state educated all the way through and did well (has an Astrophysics degree). I was state educated for primary, went to a very academic private secondary (on an assisted place) as did my sister. I loved my secondary education, really enjoyed the school and got excellent grades (probably would have done anywhere as I wanted to do my best, but the competitive atmosphere certainly spurred me on to work even harder). My sister hated it, did no work, but the school persevered and kept her back after school each day to get her to do her coursework etc so in spite of her bad attitude she still came out with 2 As, 4Bs and 2Cs at GCSE whereas at a state school, she'd have failed most of them. In that sense I understand where lottiegb is coming from with the comment about it being most relevant for children who aren't so motivated. A bright and motivated child will do well anywhere and self motivation will be key later on if they are to do well at university where nobody will spoon-feed them and they will have to rely on their own independent study to do well.

I'd love to be able to send my children to a private school for secondary but there is no way we'll be able to afford it, unless they get a hefty bursary to cover it. The academic side was important, but for me the best thing about the private school I attended was the wealth of extra curricular activities offered - the orchestra and chamber choir were outstanding, I did Duke of Edinburgh's Award up to Gold level, lots of plays/musicals. Plenty of sporting activities (though I was rubbish). I wish my DC could experience that at school.

A little bit yes. Not pressure as in oh other people will care. But I remember the big difference between state and private where I grew up.

I know it's different everywhere but I really enjoyed the academic competition and school culture and it's stuck in my mind. Senior school especially (I'm sure grammar is similar but we wouldn't move for that).

No pressure to pay as our parents did. School fees have risen out of all proportion to earnings. In the 50s and 60s my parents paid fees for seven children out of earnings, there is no way that the average middle class parent could do that today.

Sue being a writer I know lots of folk who work in publishing, the media etc. A lot of them were privately educated, and/or had a very middle class upbringing, but the cost of houses in London and the cost of school fees has put them in an entirely different position vis a vis their own children.

*Wordfactory, the difference in the cost of living and the rise in school fees is exactly why I feel under no pressure to pay for my children despite my parents paying for all theirs.

I had a wibble at the thought of DS going through the same system I did and having all his natural confident bubbliness knocked out of him.

I'm state-educated, DH was at a mediocre at best private from 12 and suffered a fair bit from existing cliques and a very patchy (forces) education to that point. I was often described as both 'lacking in self-confidence' and 'driven' and so probably fall into the bucket of 'would have done well anywhere', where DH was tbh a lot bit lazier and though v bright, didn't get nearly the A levels I did and suffered from decidophobia about what to do in life.

But.

I am still crippled with self-confidence issues, I never did anything outside of school (apart from be the only girl at the local astronomical society!) and this is still the case despite three ruddy degrees and 20 years of experience in academia!

If DS is bright, yes he'll do well no matter what. But if they push encourage him so he doesn't lose out on the foundation of those vital early years, like DH did, and give him self-confidence (or rather keep the bags of it he currently has!), and lots of ideas of what to do in life, via extra-curricular things and talks and the like, then it'll be worth the ££ and no holidays to offset our own tendencies and give him a good shot at being what he wants to be (even if, as at the moment, it's a jumbo jet pilot! )

sue I am a firm believer that there is no point in worrying about stuff that you can do nada about.

Focus on what you can change.

I was privately educated but couldn't see the point of it until two of mine went through the state system - nothing dreadful but it's not great either

am just doing sums to see if the youngest (am at not getting a place at the state school I like) can go as day pupil at an independent school from Sept this year (nothing like leaving it to the last minute) but I know her dad will be a bit unhelpful with the fees because in his family the boys board (public school) and the women go to state schools and I am not even joking

sorry to get that off my chest here but was just thinking how horrible it is for him to benefit from an expensive education and not want the same for his daughter

Wordfactory I'm not at all worried. I don't quite understand what point you are trying to make. My children went to great grammar school and then had (or in DD2's case, is about to have) two years at a top coed public school. And I can afford lovely stuff as I didn't cripple myself financially by paying for education from primary school onwards. Win win as far as I'm concerned.