1dc in state, 1 dc going private.....ohhh the dilemma

[OneLieIn]

Does anyone have one dc in state and one in private? How do you justify it?

Truthfully we would love to put both in private, but jut can't stretch that far financially right now. So the younger (who will benefit far more and has to change schools) is going private whilst the older is staying in a middle of the road state.

No matter how much I think about it, it feels wrong. It feels like I am discriminating, likei am choosing one over the other.

Help!

We currently have both DCs in a private primary school but if a place came up in a local state school for DD I would move her there like a shot, whilst keeping DS in the private school.

I believe that all children's needs are different, and consequently a school that's right for one child won't necessarily be right for another. My DD doesn't need the smaller class sizes etc that the private school provides (she's only there because she didn't get a place at any of our local state schools - currently in Reception, massively over-subscribed etc, I'm sure I was ranting about this on here last April). She would benefit from having a larger peer group, LESS attention (!) and a more "normal," less rarified atmosphere. DS, however, thrives in the smaller, more nurturing environment that this particular school provides.

I know a lot of people don't feel the same way as I do though, which is fine!

OP, do what is right for each of your children individually and all will be well . If your older child is happy and is doing OK, try to stop beating yourself up!

I have one in a state primary and one in a prep school. They were both in the primary but DD, who is younger was extremely unhappy, there were no suitable state places, we needed to move her quickly and the only option was private. We have a younger DS who will go to the state primary. I don't feel guilty about it at all, the state school is excellent, my eldest is thriving in every way, to have moved him in order to be fair financially would have been madness when he is happy and settled. I have no plans to send my youngest privately as there is nothing wrong with the state school, it just didn't suit my DD. I don't feel that I need to send DS privately at secondary either as our state secondaries are easily as good as most of the independent schools in the area and match them for results, facilities and are similar socially. DH and I have discussed it endlessly and we can't think of one good reason to send him privately when we have these options. In an ideal world DD will go back to state at 11 but it will completely depend on whether it suits her needs and if not, she will stay private.

It is also very common round here to have children from the same families with some state and some private, I can think of 4 families in my street alone who do it and the sixth form entry to the state school is almost completely from the independent sector so it is very fluid.

However, there are 2 key factors. We could send both / all private if we wanted to and the fact that the state options are so good make a difference, I couldn't send one somewhere really good and one somewhere significantly different. I believe that their experiences will be similar and therefore I am confident that there will be no comeback that one went privately. I have never mentioned to my children that DD goes to a private school, there is no need to. Obviously as they get older then they will realise it but as far as we are concerned it is not something we need to discuss or make a point about. They just need to know that they are both in schools where we firmly believe that they are suited and that we treat each of them as individuals.

I think what is bothering me is the fact that dd (elder) is bright, able and doing ok. Ds is not doing so well and hence the private school.

I just think of dd is doing well already, imagine how amazing she could do if she were offered more opportunity (state school have said she is v bright and that they can't give her the stretch she needs).

But its about levelling the playing field, so now both your DC will have similar chances. I would do the same......in a real pickle myself about schools, its a nightmare!

If she is bright and able, how about trying for a scholarship for her, remember the private school is looking at potential not current ability.

Also a lot of independents do sibling discounts.

It may be worth seeing if this brings it down to a price where you could send both.

My children have gone to a variety of selective state/private schools, and much prefer the independents.

Great idea about scholarships, she is brilliant (proud mum) and I want to give her the best opportunity.

We are going down the single sex school route, which will work much better for ds. Also there aren't really that many coed privates near here.

We decided to leave her where she is for a couple of years, save our money and then apply for a scholarship and we should be able to afford it.

I think there have been a few threads on here in the past concerning parents who have chosen state for their girls and private for their boys. I'm not saying that has been part of the equation for you btw, just you might want to do a quick search for them...

I went to the local comprehensive and younger db went to boarding school. I didn't want to board, so that was fine. We both got O and A levels - i could have done better had I worked harder. I have a BA and a PGCE; he didn't do an initial degree but has an MSc via the RN.

my BiL went to top public school, his sister and brother went state
now, 15 years on, he has contacts and confidence they will never has but there seems no resentment between them
as he will be expected to support their parents!!!

It is interesting the girl boy thing. I am successful at work and really want the women that work for me to be great and therefore want my dd to be great.

The local state school just doesn't cater for boys like mine at all. This is why I think I have chosen private for him. The right chill for the child.

We had 2 in private and 2 in state. In our case 2 got Assisted Places (one primary, one secondary). One with SEN we left in his state primary and he went to the local secondary. The other we moved from one state primary to another, then he went on to Grammar.

Every child is different and different school suited each child. In an ideal world I'd have sent them all private.

GladysLeap can you tell me more about the primary Assisted Place?

We got both Assisted Places in 1997. The outgoing Govt created several thousand extra Assisted Places and we were lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time.

I think the schools themselves operate a similar kind of scheme for people with low income. DS had an Assessment at the school and an interview with the Head and he was accepted at the school on an Assisted Place.

Can't remember what our income was at the time but DH was working FT and I was PT and to start with we only had to pay £91 a term for both children!

There is a very long tradition in the uK of ensuring boys are properly educated whilst girls don't matter. A journalist wrote about it quite recently and follows that for his chidlren as girls will only marry etc etc. it is very sexist. if in doubt reverse that to stop yars of decline for girls - get the girl in the good private school and let the boy be in the state schools or perhaps just take a second job at weekends to pay another set of school fees.

Interesting Xenia.... But here's the thing. I have been to look at some of "the best" self declared schools for girls and was horribly disappointed. Yes they get good exam results, but ffs they also teach sewing and cooking. The girls I spoke to at one school wanted to be a nurse (not a doctor) ....I have been really disappointed to see no mass ambition on the scale of the boys schools.

Do Eton / Winchester / Harrow / Charterhouse / Wellington / Radley / Bryanston / Ampleforth / Gordonstoun / Kings Canterbury
teach typing, textiles and cookery to GCSE ?
Until they do, private schools are sexist

I have a boy in private and the rest are state. In my case the older boy has aspergers and would not cope in a huge comp round here, and my older dd has just got a place at a fantastic girls comp. Her 2 sisters will hopefully follow her there. I don't know what I'll do about my youngest child who is a boy. Like you I feel that it is wrong to send the 2 boys private and the 3 girls to state, but if there was a school like the girls school for boys around here, I would send the youngest boy there like a shot. they will all go state for primary. (although my oldest dd who is now in y6 did go private for a few years).

Told the story before on here, but I am the middle of 3. Eldest state educated all through secondary, me private all through on scholarship, youngest state to O level then private to A level on scholarship.

All 3 of us went to Oxbridge, all got 2:1s / 1sts, we have 1.5 completed PhDs between us...

Younger one, funnily, was the only one who bore resentment for a while, possibly because of bullying in the school attended until O-level. Interestingly, the girl / boy thing was reversed - I'm the only girl and the only all-private. All of us were state educated in primary.

The reason for the difference in our schooling was made wholly transparent to us by our parents, which I think made some of the difference - it was a logical reason that we all understood and was very clear.

My daugher's school North London Collegiate beats just about ever boys' school in the country for exam results and sometimes all of them. I don't think girls' private schools if you pick the right one are any worse and are often better than those for boys.

Do Eton / Winchester / Harrow / Charterhouse / Wellington / Radley / Bryanston / Ampleforth / Gordonstoun / Kings Canterbury
teach typing, textiles and cookery to GCSE ?
Until they do, private schools are sexist

teacherwith2kids interesting post. Can I ask what you decided for your DC in terms of schooling?

State. For a veriety of reasons:

• Principle. Despite being privately educated, I teach in, and am a passionate advocate of, the state system. I also believe from my family experience that it is family background and attitude, not school, that is the main influence on how well children do in school.

• Finance. 100% academic scholarships, essential for me to be sent to a private school, no longer exist, and we are in that 'twilight' income zone of not qualifying for bursaries while not being able to afford full fees for a private secondary.

• Locality. Where I live, the state secondaries achieve much better results than the private schools. The comp my son will attend (and it is actually a 'secondary modern' rather than a true comp as we are in an area with a few residual grammars) outperforms all the local private secondaries even though one of them is internationally known.

The first is my main reason, but the second two cement my decision, if that makes sense?

Dd1 is at a grammar. I couldn't ask for a better school for her.
Dd2 is at a gdst school. She is dyslexic and the extra support will make all the difference to her.
Ds is at a private junior school for now. Hopefully he will get into a grammar.

Money is an issue to us, and our children are aware of this. But equally, ds1 knows that even if we could afford to educate her privately we wouldn't because it is such a good school for her. She was very proud to get her place, and is making use of all the opportunities available to her, which are myriad.

Dd1 I mean.