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Original poster

1dc in state, 1 dc going private.....ohhh the dilemma

64 replies

OneLieIn · 02/03/2012 16:08

Does anyone have one dc in state and one in private? How do you justify it?

Truthfully we would love to put both in private, but jut can't stretch that far financially right now. So the younger (who will benefit far more and has to change schools) is going private whilst the older is staying in a middle of the road state.

No matter how much I think about it, it feels wrong. It feels like I am discriminating, likei am choosing one over the other.

Help!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 05/03/2012 19:12

I did this. My son is older and has dyslexia. He went to the local state primary and for secondary we looked at state secondary (her in Scotland most kids go to the nearest comp, it's very catchment area based with none of those choice forms you have in England) and local private school. He had the choice of where to go after looking round both and we discussed pros and cons of both. He chose private school largely because of smaller classes and good special needs dept.
My daughter had the same choice age 12 and chose the state primary school because her friends were going there, she'd seen how much time her brother spent on the school bus and the fact that many of his friends were in the city where the school is based 20 min drive away. She also doesn't have dyslexia.
If we had insisted she go to the private school like her brother we'd have been denying her the choice her brother had and treating her less equally. as it is there is money to spend on music tuition, any private tuition needed for her etc.
Both are very happy in their schools and doing well.

2rebecca · 05/03/2012 19:15

I went to a state school my husband to a private school. I got better exam results than him, am more confident and earn more for working fewer hours.
This was in the days when schools were happy to expel disruptive pupils though.

FessaEst · 05/03/2012 19:31

OneLie I must take issue with the idea that nurses are lesser doctors or that wanting to be a nurse indicates low aspiration/lack of ambition. I find your comment quite offensive.

FWIW, my db was privately educated from 7, I went to a state primary followed by boarding school for 11-13 & state thereafter. My dsis was privately educated for all secondary, having been to a different state primary to me. All of this was because my parents sought to place us in schools that suited our individual needs & took our views into account. There is no resentment at all, maybe as we are all doing well (even though not as a doctor!)

lambethlil · 05/03/2012 19:37

Do Eton / Winchester / Harrow / Charterhouse / Wellington / Radley / Bryanston / Ampleforth / Gordonstoun / Kings Canterbury
teach typing, textiles and cookery to GCSE ?
Until they do, private schools are sexist

My DDs London Girls' schools don't - academic girls' private schools pride themselves on Not offering domestic/ soft options.

TalkinPeace2 · 05/03/2012 19:43

I know.
Mine didn't.
Its a shame that boarding school boys are not taught to cook though
THe girls schools did offer typing courses ....

SootySweepandSue · 05/03/2012 19:46

Well I can only say that a school friend of mine was state educated while her older brother was private. Her parents were loaded. It was plainly apparent to the entire village that her parents preferred him in every sense. I felt desperately sorry for her.

I'm not sure how you would explain to your DC the reasons for it and at what age these reasons could not be misconstrued as something else.

2rebecca · 05/03/2012 19:49

My son enjoyed cookery at his school and my sewing helped me make clothes whilst at uni. His private school does cookery but not woodwork or metalwork
I suspect Eton etc also don't do woodwork and metalwork either, I think they place less emphasis and value on practical subjects, as sadly does our society.

lambethlil · 05/03/2012 19:58

We're moving away from the OP, but I feel ambivalent about the teaching such skills at school. My School had been a Secondary Modern and had fantastic typing and domestic science facilities, including a 'home suite', where we could practise bedmaking and using a washing machine Hmm, and coupled with the lack of VI form it did all feel a bit second rate.

My DDs are rubbish at 'home skills', very messy and undomesticated, but I think I'd rather they picked it up later rather than spend time now learning those skills at school.

Original poster
OneLieIn · 05/03/2012 20:01

fessa didn't mean to offend. I was shown around by a couple of girls who I felt - not just because of their aspiration - lacked ambition., a desire to succeed, to be the best they could be. It didn't occur to them that they could be a doctor IMHO. I am super sensitive to this as I had particularly poor careers advice at a private girls school and am looking for a school where this isn't the case. I am looking for a school where all opportunities are possible and girls believe they can change the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLieIn · 05/03/2012 20:03

Sewing, cookery etc all useful but until they are taught in boys schools, there is no equality. I hadn't realised that schools could be sexist.....

OP posts:
ragged · 05/03/2012 20:10

I think it's about equal opportunity, and meeting different needs.
DC1 is in private secondary to best meet his needs.
A lot of kids at his school are the only child in their family to be in private (others in comps).
My Other DC likely to go to to state secondary to best meet their needs.

I don't think you can ever justify it on cost grounds.

lambethlil · 05/03/2012 20:10

None of the top flight (you know, the ones Xenia rates Wink) schools offer domestic science.

I think the benefits of learning those skills at school are outweighed by the advantages of learning in an enviromnment where they're not offered, and the message that conveys.

TalkinPeace2 · 05/03/2012 20:15

I'm not talking about domestic science - I'm talking about culinary chemistry and artistry a la Heston, Marco, Alastair, Nico
or textiles as per top designers

Turniphead1 · 05/03/2012 20:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MrsBradleyJames · 05/03/2012 20:21

In your situation OP I wouldn't be doing this. Because you're not doing it based on 'different schools suiting different kids' as some have said here; you're doing it on financial grounds. When all's said and done, it is basically from your older child's point of view "mum and dad could only afford to send one of us private so they sent my sibling". As adults we can rationalise the decision in many ways, but at t'end of the day that is the basics of it as far as I see it.

lambethlil · 05/03/2012 20:22

I'm not talking about domestic science - I'm talking about culinary chemistry and artistry a la Heston, Marco, Alastair, Nico or textiles as per top designers

In those cases I think background comes through, and it won't be so much what they learnt at school, but a self belief that often comes from school (ie Hugh Fearnley-W) or more often home- Stella Mc, Jamie et al.

Original poster
OneLieIn · 05/03/2012 20:25

Mrsjames my ds needs it, the state system here won't work for him, dyspraxia, kooky, needs structure, loathes change.

My dd doesn't need it but would greatly benefit from it.

We can't afford both. His need is greater.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLieIn · 05/03/2012 20:27

It's not the fact that it was sewing and cooking, it's that it was positioned as that, not as a creative outlet.

OP posts:
Xenia · 06/03/2012 20:20

Of cousre doctors are better than nurses. Few people have the IQ of A levels to be doctors and most of us could easily do nursing just as it's dead easy for msot of us to take no cleaning jobs but hardly any of us could be an actuary as we're not bright enough.

If you find a school saying a nurse is as good as a doctor that's not the school for you.

My local comp 34% A - C in GCSE's most popular subject it travel and tourism GCSE. You couldn't make it up, could you?

2rebecca · 06/03/2012 22:22

I wouldn't say a doctor is "better" than a nurse, and suspect Xenia didn't really mean that. On the other hand I do think if you have the brains and aptitude then in most cases being a doctor gives more mental stimulation, autonomy and financial reward than being a nurse so don't see why a bright woman who had thought about nursing hadn't considered medicine, and would wonder at the careers advice of a school that didn't encourage pupils to think widely and seriously about careers options. A bright woman may decide she preferred nursing because she wanted to do more hands on physical work, or alternately she wanted to go into hospital management. I would still expect this to be one of several careers she had considered.

Xenia · 07/03/2012 09:08

There's a lot of handon physicla work if you are a female surgeon, all that sawing of bones etc. I nkow two people whose daughters became nurses even though their parents had been at Oxford. One was because they had sent her to a posh boarding school for thick girls whose sole aim it so marry well and the other they sent her to the local comp where being a nurse is some massive achievement and that girl even turned down a place at Oxford.

happygardening · 07/03/2012 10:49

As many on MN will know I have one teenage in a top boys boarding school and another in the counties top comp. Neither would be happy in the others school especially the one at the comp who wouldn't have even got into into the others school! The decision was easy for us the comp out performs many local indies even those which are selective (not the super selective obviously) my DS did not want to board any more he'd boarded at prep till 13 and he loved the fact that he could walk to school across a field. Also all indie day schools were a nightmare journey (we are rural). I've thought long and hard about our decision if a fantastic indie day school suddenly materialised on our door step would we change him. Ultimately no as they say: "if ain't broke don't fix it.

ragged · 07/03/2012 12:59

That is one of the worst things I've ever seen anybody ever write on MN (re doctors being "better" than nurses). They're both essential and unique roles; they both have extremely valuable contributions to make. They couldn't exist or function well without the support of the other. The respective roles suit individuals differently, but neither is necessarily superior. Hmm

I am neither doctor nor nurse nor am I friends/related to any. But that comment has left me speechless & Shockd.

TalkinPeace2 · 07/03/2012 13:03

ragged
it's xenia
let it wash past you

teacherwith2kids · 07/03/2012 16:06

Xenia, am considering introducing you to a friend of mine who is a nurse... She has a first class degree from Oxbridge, and had all the qualifications to be a doctor but chose to be a nurse because she was interested in the 'hands on continuity of care' that role offered. She is in charge of a large chunk of a hospital all night, a role in which she has much more responsibility for many more lives than the vast majority of doctors who work in that hospital.

They are different roles which require different skills. One could not survive without the other, and as a public we couldn't manage without either - just as being a teacher is not inferior or superior to being a solicitor or an accountant or a broadcaster or an author or an orchestral musician, it is just a different job.