Feedback from Teachers please!!!

[mrsforgetful]

My greatest irritation at the moment to do with school is that 7 yr old DS2 (Possibly Asperger's syndrome- ds1 is ADHD/Asperger's)is having difficulties- yet i don't get enough feedback- i know he's 1 of 35 in a class- but how am i supposed to 'handle' his problems at school if all i get from him is "i had 2 warnings today" I have specifically asked that they send a note home- they do it if the child bumps their head- yet they 'don't want to make mountains out of molehills'about 'behaviour' issues (and i'm sure certainly not to a mum who's desparate for ammunition to fire at the PAED to get the DX i'm sure he will get- but i WANT IT NOW....not when he's 9).Because i do believe DS2 when he says he is trying hard to behave- I am thinking of a 'behaviour book' so that if all's well they can indicate this with a smiley face- and if there was any 'significant' incident that they draw a 'neutral' face- then if DS2 starts on about 'finding it hard to behave' i can see by looking at his book whether this is simply his perception or reality- i can then choose to talk to the teacher- she will often say the 'event' was trivial- but to DS2 who likes perfection -anything less than perfect is wrong- and i therefore spend alot of my time along the lines of explaining'it's not fair/or life's a b**ch!'

I really do feel that teachers have their work cut out with just teaching- but this is MY SON and i have to do as much as i can!

I'd really appreciate it if you can reassure me that i am NOT overloading the teacher....or maybe suggest a better idea ?

thanx!

Have a cyber hug! You are having rotten time of it.

Re the organisation. How about a check list which he has to go through before he goes to bed. Start it small, a pen and the books for tomorrow, failing that, just the pen I know it sounds crazy, but I have found that teaching 14 year old they are a lot like toddlers!

One of the big things in education at the moment is making kids responsible for their own learning. The theory is that they will learn more if they feel they are in charge, setting targets etc. So, could you have a discussion with ds, and get him to set some targets for the first week. Write them down, put a copy on the 'fridge door, and give him a copy. Then set a time, evening and morning when he is to check the list. Get him to set the school bag before he goes to bed, before teeth, and again in the morning, before he leaves the house. Oh, and get him to have a 'rough work' book. That way, if he does forget his class book, he can work in his rough book, much less chance that he will lose the work.

I know it is lousy to have yet another thing to do, but baby steps, and he will learn some organisational skills at the end......possibly far more important long term than the drama lessons he has missed.

Hope things get better soon.

sympathies to all parents on this thread.

Custy, that 2 months punishment sounds way out of order. I hope that your meetings with the school ensure it never happens again.

I dread the organisational probs we will encounter when my ds starts secondary school. All that extra homework, too. it's bad enough now. My son is not good at organising himself either and tbh neither am I so we make a fine pair.

My son's form teacher this year is the school SENCO and one thing she has done has really helped. Children in the class each have a single big homework book. All homework - maths, English, etc gets written in the one book. The book is handed in each Tuesday for marking. It comes back on Thursday. There is a pocket in the back inside page of the book. The next weeks homework sheets are put inside it. So book and sheets are together. As long as my ds remembers to bring his book back over the weekend, we have eveything together. It works much better than having lots of separate subject books and sheets.

I know your ds is at secondary school and this system may be impossible to have, but could you adapt it in some way? Could your son make a pocket in his subject books to keep the homework sheets his teacher gives him for instance?

The other thing - I bet this is impossible but still I will say it - can your son be given some sort of checklist he goes through just before he leaves school for the day? it's just that when dh or I pick up my son fron school, we can then remind him to take things home. It is amazing how often he forgets things. Without that last reminder I fear he'd be lost. I realise that at 14 years, your son is too big to be collected from school - and you are not around to do it anyway - but is there some sort of memory prod someone can give him at the end of the school day? a text message on his mobile or something?

Mobiles are banned at our school!

I'd add my support of the the check list....I think it would help him to organise himself....what you want in the long term.

One homework book wouldn't work in secondary, I think. I set homework once a week, and mark it once a week, so that I can address any problems at the start of the next lesson. It would be impossible to co-ordinate this with other teachers, all setting and marking homework. Kids tend to do more than 7 subjcets and there are only 7 days in the week

Could he colour code his books? I know that kids often bring the wrong book, because they are all the same colour.

A study buddy could help with the homework/organisation.

well deary me! got the letter back from school in reply to my complaint - and me and son had a long talk - i mean a LONG talk.....yeah ok i was on one ..and it was more of a monologue! i got a two page response telling me how son had repeatedly failed to adhere to deadlines and missed detention etc.. which i already knew - the only reference to not letting son into lesson was that son knew he wouldnt be allowed back in until he got his homework done. teach says she has offered to help - and am not doubting her sincerety - but son doesnt turn up to detention or stay in at break times to do the homework. which meant he didnt participate in class for a long time - and this is what i have to get accross.

as a community worker i know agencies and social services and youth offending team kindsa peeps and am researching best opportunities for son - y' know should he start on his NVQ's and work experience next year - cos no point him being at school if he isnt going to achieve anything IMO - i dont want school as a babysitting service whilst i go to work - i want my son to be fully equiped to participate fully in the harsh adult world. i am researching work placements and colleges that might take son so young - i know some do take 14 year olds ut its usually those kids with major behavioural dificulties that dont go to school anyway.

i tod son that i seem to be doing all the work - and he isnt even remember ing the rght books. he is my eldest boy i love him so much. i told him he could have any space he wanted to put his books - i sit with him EVERY night to do a piece of extra literacy or maths - (we worked out how much it cost per person to eat tea tonight!..46p)

i am putting the twins ( boy and girl) together in a bedroom again for the first time in 5 years so son can have his own room - his own workspace - i will buy him a desk.
he leaves his books in his locker - i told him to sack the locker give in the key bring all his books home.
i told him he has to grow up -i have enough on my plate at the mo -a nd he has to take a little responsability - mot for me, or bother or sister or dad - but for himself. i told him that being grown up means taking responsability for these kinds of things - it doesnt mean drinking or smoking - but hey - you know what - i know your gonna do those things cos your a teenager -a nd those are teenage things - to be grown up is to take responsability - thats the diference.
i told him it was disrespectful to us as parents for him to not try as we are trying for him . that i go into school regularly - i told him to ask his mates i bet their mum and dad - no i bet mostly their mums go to see their teachers twice a year - twice! at parents evening. i am in every month as is his dad - we BOTH take the time of work- we speak to the senco - we get son put on report. i write letters to school. i care so much becuase i love him so so much. and all i want him to do is remember that days books and a pen pencil ruler to take to school.

by this time i was sobbing - he was sorry and i now have his uniform hung up which he went and did immediatly!

so i will write another letter to school as am still not happy with the punishment he was given - i would hardly mind if they stuck him in a closet with a desk and told him to do a comprehension or some maths - or anything remotley useful to the boy who is destined to fail - but no. they sit him outside the class and make him write the same moral paragraph 4 times? . i was sent some drama participation statment or something which isnt the schools policy which i asked for.

thats the update! thanks for listening everyone youve been such good helps

I wish that every child I teach has a mother as committed as you! I think that your son is very lucky to have you as a mum. Talking about NVQs and work experience may be a very good idea. I have seen lots of kids do very well through that route, fresh start, csomething they are interested in etc.

I hope that things improve, you deserve the very best. Good on you.

Custardo, did the letter from school offer any help towards resolving the issue re detention?(Not just a general offer of help but a point by point action plan.) So far their strategy obviously hasn't worked and they need to think of something else that will encourage your ds.

Does he like school, in general? If so, is it worth persisting with it, rather than the college option. From experience, I'd be a bit hesistant myself about college because they have even less of a structure than school, there's no requirement to turn up for class or do homework etc (although maybe at 14 he would be treated differently to a post-16 student?)

Re the organisation bit, as a person who muddles through from day to day I know it's hard to get started but for me, it does reap dividends if I give myself a good kicking and get on with it. The dreaded Flylady has a section devoted to organising teenagers . I know she's irritating and annoying and lots of other non-too-polite adjectives but there are nuggets of gold within. There's an example of a very detailed daily list, like this
-----
IN THE MORNING
Make bed
Brush teeth
Put away PJs
Dirty underwear in the laundry
Get dressed
Brush Hair
Close drawers
Put on Glasses or contacts
Turn off lights/radio/alarm & come downstairs
Put on shoes
What time is it? - it should be about 6:40-
---
Maybe that sort of thing would help your ds? You could print it out in gigantic bright font and have copies everywhere so he (and no one else!) can miss it. You can even buy a journal now. Think I might put it on my Xmas list, LOL!

He sounds such a sweet lad; I know it's heartbreaking when you see the potential that they seem to be throwing away.

custardo, you are working so hard with your son - and you've got twins as well and a job. So much to get through each day ( not to mention organising the mumsnet christmas meet up !)

I do hope your ds takes this talk to heart.He sounds really loving and not distant from you so this must work in your favour. I know how long it takes to research other educational options. I don't envy you that. I wonder, would it be any good visiting a post 16 FE college with your son? Then he can see for himself the alternative - for better or worse.

Would he follow a daily checklist? something along the lines of suedonim's and hmb's suggestions?

loads of respect custy, like hmb said, I wish all of the kids I teach had parents like you

oh thank you so much for the ego boost

i havent replies to the letter yet - but am getting my head round being organised! i told son to hand in his locker key so that there wasnt a "middle" place his books could be left and used as an excuse. he bought all his books home. we sorted out his bag - i know what books he has got and what books his teachers have got and i wrote in his homework diary " DS has not got his english book or his art book at home" so the teachers can see and ds cant use it as an excuse and every evening when i come home the first thing i am doing is asking for the homework diary - looking at his lessons for tomorrow and geting son so show me the books as he puts them in his bag.

lets see how long i last!

i also moved daughter from her beloved lilac bedroom and put her in with her twin bro - in a bedroom which is not in the least girly and was distinctly disgusting in odour and general crap that was in there - as i had to clean out all the cupbourds - move toys and books and videos and dressers and drawers and bedding around. all i have to do now is decorate both bedrooms - one black an paint "eddie" of iron maiden fame on the wall of ds. and change the big room into a simsons room.....simple!

custardo you are doing a great job...

I think that sounds like an excellent start. And making sure that the books are either with the teachers or home with you is such a good idea. It limits the potential for mix ups. I always keep kids books in my room at school for the same reason whenever possible.

And all of this is giving him the lead that education is important, and that he needs to get himself organised to make the most of it. And that is such an important life skill.

Good on you!

I hope you don't mind, but I have just found some information posted by a parent on a teachers website. Her son is very disorganised and she set out what they have done to help his organisational skills. Some are very helpful, I think.

'I think they key is organisation. Master Aladin has a plastic box in our hallway. ALL of his school things go in the box. His bag, homework, pencil case, PE kit, tie, any sheets of paper I see lying around the house. It was very difficult at first but things are becoming easier.

He has a home/school journal. This is actually attached to his school bag (on that stretchy rope stuff you can buy at B & Q for a pound or so a meter) so he physically cannot loose it. Naturally everything is labelled (although he has managed to loose a jumper that cost me £19.80 which I'm quite happy about as you can imagine)

He has timetables coming out of his ears. On his bedroom door, fridge in the kitchen, notice board, in his journal.

He has a folder and his teachers know any worksheets etc have to go in the folder. Homework is done on the evening it is set and but straight back in the folder. His folder is ALWAYS in his bag. This saves sheets of paper going missing and completed homework being lost.

Each teacher either writes his homework in his journal themselves or checks that he has done it correctly, gets his support assistant to do it, or gets a student to do it and they also put in a due date. We have to check his journal every evening and ensure he does it (easier said than done most nights) but we need to keep on top of it as some nights I have to type out a translation for his teachers so they can understand what he has written and its much easier to do this if it's shortly after he did it and can still remember what he wrote.

Reading, writing and spelling will probably always be a problem for him as will being able to organise himself without someone being their to put routines into place for him.

When he first started secondary school in September I did check his bag etc every day to ensure he had got the correct equipment. Now I only have to say have you done your bag? What lessons have you got? Do you need your ....... for that? He usually gets it right. '

I think that attaching the H/W diary to the book bag is such a good idea. I am going to sugest this to some of the kids that I teach.

Hope that things are getting better for you and ds.