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Education

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Original poster

Query for state school parents

109 replies

AeolineReed · 22/09/2011 13:09

My children go to private schools. I have been repeatedly got at for this by colleagues/acquaintances/random MNers with children at state schools. We live in a town with decent state schools. Everyone I know cites 'principles' as the reason for choosing the state option, even if they could afford otherwise.

This same 'principle' argument seems to crop up on MN a lot - but I'm just wondering how much of this is based on living in a good catchment area? And if you have 'principles', do they extend to sending your children to a truly dire school if you could afford to go private?

Just wondering, as I am rather fed up with being the unprincipled baddy.

OP posts:

OneMoreMum · 22/09/2011 20:27

We moved ours from the local state primary into private, then back into the state system for senior school but not our local school, have had absolutely no problems with any of our local friends.

I must admit I worried that they would feel insulted that we'd taken our kids away from the schools that they were happy with but if they were they've never shown it.
Perhaps it's because we haven't stuck 100% with either sector but have had no issues of snobbery or reverse snobbery for that matter.
By the way, just because your local schools are not fantastic, it doesn't mean that you live in a horrible area you know. We love it here, don't want to move, but the local schools didn't have what we were looking for.

Malcontentinthemiddle · 22/09/2011 20:28

Also, if education is just one of many things which some people may buy and some not, why is it the thing they apparently forgo holidays and cars for? YOu need to make up your mind. Is it basically just another Thing, which some people spend more on - or is it very very important, so you have slightly fewer holidays a year? Pretending it's just one among many purchases you make, on a par with apples and biscuits, is unbelievably disingenuous.

diabolo · 22/09/2011 20:31

Malcontent you are exactly the type of person I am talking about - judging people without a clue.

The thing is, I am happy with my choices. I'm unhappy that other people have a problem with them. But then I guess that I would't want such narrow-minded, judgmental, and quite frankly nasty people as friends anyway.

PS - The Latin is amazing. Who knew?

jeee · 22/09/2011 20:34

The moment someone says that they'd turn to prostitution to fund private education I know that there is a reason why people 'get at' them.

kickingking · 22/09/2011 20:35

I would definetly consider private if we had the spare money.

As it is, we didn't send our child to the nearest primary school mainly because it's academic results are not that good. We sent him to one a mile away instead.

We have the 11+ here and, while I am against that system in theory, I am quite sure we will end up paying for private 11+ tution.

Principles? Meh. You don't use your child as a polictical statement.

confidence · 22/09/2011 20:36

Malcontent -

Your last post seems to be in reply to mine but I'm sorry it makes no sense to me.

Education is something people spend money on. Of course they think it's important, or they wouldn't spend money on it. Do I think it's important? Hell yes, absolutely.

So what? What does it's importance have to do with what I wrote? Are you saying that because it's important, people SHOULDN'T spend money on it?

Malcontentinthemiddle · 22/09/2011 20:37

Oh i think I have a few clues, really!

BUt here's a question: why do you care? Really? You have what you want for your children, you feel vindicated in your choice - what does it matter to you if someone like me thinks it's wrong, or wouldn't want to know you socially? I know and am fine with the fact that lots of private school parents wouldn't want to know me - that's Ok! Why do you mind?

Malcontentinthemiddle · 22/09/2011 20:39

confidence because I think it's disingenuous to pretend it's just another 'thing' - no-one says 'I go without private school fees in order to shop at waitrose/go on holiday/live in a big house' do they? You obviously thing it's more important than just the stuff people buy, so don't pretend it's just another thing on a par with stuff you do or don't put in your shopping basket.

Malcontentinthemiddle · 22/09/2011 20:41

And kicking I wouldn't 'use my child as a political statement' - who would be listening? I just do what I think is right in accordance with what I believe is right. Easy.

clutteredup · 22/09/2011 20:50

I think that the thing is that as a parent you always question everything you do for your DC and whether it is the right choice - as a mum this comes along with the constant feeling of guilt that you probably 'should' have done it differently whether it be BFing, going back to work or how you educate your DC or one of the other millions of choices we make on a daily basis. Most of us mums don't need anyone to reinforce our feelings of insecurity or otherwise about the decisions we make for our DC being that if we do what we feel is best for our own DC at the time it is certainly the right thing to do for our DC regardless of the other choices others choose to make for their DC. I think as a mum anyone should understand that other mums need support and reassurance that what they have done is right for them and not be flamed if they dare to do something different from someone else - someone else's choice to do something else doesn't make your own choices any less valid. Life would be very dull if we all did the same thing.
So stop being so unpleasant and let people make their own choices without inflicting your own on them.

Malcontentinthemiddle · 22/09/2011 20:58

Meh. I don't feel guilty for where my kids go to school. If anyone does, he or she needs to ask him or herself why. Some choices manifestly ARE less valid than others!

Again I say: I don't care if you think I'm an idiot for sending my children to state school, or that they won't do as well, or that you don't want your children near them. I just think you're wrong. Why do you care if I think you're wrong?

confidence · 22/09/2011 21:05

Well that doesn't really answer my question, but OK. I don't see what any implication about how important private schooling is has to do with the point I made.

FWIW, I would be prepared to say "we go without private school fees to have other things", and do say exactly that really. We're at the income level where we could probably JUST do it, IF we took all the work we could get and made huge sacrifices of other things. We managed two years of DC at prep but it was a struggle, and that was an extremely cheap school by private standards.

But we have sat down and talked about this, and came to the conclusion that the benefits we would get by going private are not as great as those we can get by spending the money on other things, and more to the point - by not working as much so that we have more TIME to spend with the kids. In my experience this is the single greatest factor that affects how much kids thrive. Not sure if I'd make the same cost-benefit analysis if we weren't in a grammar area, and can't say for certain we always will with DC2. But for now, that's how we weigh it: a private school would be nice, but not as nice as the alternative targets for our time and money.

clutteredup · 22/09/2011 21:07

So good to have people like you on MN to remind the rest of us that we shouldn't be free to make our own choices without someone standing by to flame us and tell us we're wrong -
thanks to you on behalf of all MNers who come on here looking for support.

clutteredup · 22/09/2011 21:08

Sorry confidence that was in answer to malcontent not you.

DamselInDisarray · 22/09/2011 21:24

I wouldn't use a private school on principle and the principle has always been the same regardless how crappy my catchment area has been. DS1 has been to several schools (the poor bugger), one of which had a high-rise council estate catchment and a c.70% uptake of free school meals. It was, incidentally, a great school.

When we moved here we purposefully chose to move into the catchment area for a 'good' state school (and it costs us more in rent). We could only get a place in the reputedly not very desirable local school (history of special measures, etc) though as the rest are full. We took the place. As it turns out (and we couldn't have known this when we took the place) the school is great and DS has really grown in confidence there.

We probably could afford private school, just about, if we wanted to. But we really, really don't want to. Apart from anything they all seem to have such dreadful, uncomfortable uniforms. I don't want to subject my DC to itchy knee socks and blazers.

mollymole · 22/09/2011 21:26

your money - your choice - you do not need to justify your choice to others

Original poster

AeolineReed · 22/09/2011 21:33

"I don't care if you think I'm an idiot for sending my children to state school, or that they won't do as well, or that you don't want your children near them."

Malcontent, has anyone on here - or anywhere else - said that you're an idiot, or that your children won't do as well, or that they don't want their children near yours? If so, I have missed something.

FWIW, my son's prep school doesn't offer wraparound care at all. The school day is the school day, and that's that. You're right about the Latin, though.

If I wanted my children only to socialise with naice middle class people, I would change my own close friends and family.

Diabolo, I know that moment so well when someone who's been quite friendly (eg while waiting at Cubs) discovers where your child goes to school and then blanks you.

Ragged, I suppose I am in the 'only the best will do' camp, if that's how you want to see it. But surely that's what all parents aspire to? I doubt that we can afford secondary fees for three children, but if we can't, I will do my absolute utmost to make sure I get the best for them (whether that be moving to a different area, HE, or any combination). What interests me is whether parents are really, genuinely prepared to put principles ahead of their children (malcontent, you presumably aren't in fact, given that you have said you would move if your school went down the pan). I've not come across this in RL (given that all the people with 'principles' whom I know don't have to put them to the test), but I have seen so many people say it on MN.

But lots of intelligent and thoughtful posts here (confidence, clutteredup, onemoremum, lovetheharp) which are a very nice reminder that not everyone is a judgy pants!

(Jeee: the prostitute comment was a joke. Do I really need to say that?)

OP posts:

Original poster

AeolineReed · 22/09/2011 21:34

Just seen your post, Damsel. You are right about uncomfortable blazers (though not about itchy socks). But once boys have done dreadful things to them, I think the blazers are more comfortable.

OP posts:

DamselInDisarray · 22/09/2011 21:40

You should see the truly dreadful uniforms the poor kids have to wear round here. There's one school where the girls are required to carry baskets. Baskets!

Original poster

AeolineReed · 22/09/2011 21:41

OP posts:

AChickenCalledKorma · 22/09/2011 21:57

Baskets Why? Really, just WHY?!?!

DamselInDisarray · 22/09/2011 21:59

That's what DH and I say every single time we drive past girls on their way to that school. The rest of the uniform is as twee as the bloody baskets.

Jinx1906 · 22/09/2011 22:05

My DC went to a state primary school, rated outstanding by Ofsted. I didn't see the point of going private considering we had such a good school on the doorstep. If I had my time again I would probably have gone private. Some of my friends have children at Indies, and I must say their children seem to have more oppertunities such as sports, music, drama, art etc... Our first choice for secondary school was our local GS but had we not gotten in we would have gone Indie.

FantasticDay · 22/09/2011 22:11

OP. Genuine question, not having a go - why do you send your children to private schools if you live in an area with decent state schools?

Becaroooo · 22/09/2011 22:12

Slight thread hijack

Can I ask if anyone has any experience of sending dc to private school for years 10 and 11?? (i.e. prior to GCSEs)

The state school for my dc from year 10 is dire (I know, I went there!!)

Is it possible to do this? What would costs be for the 2 years (approx)?

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