Son punished for being bullied - again!!!

[Solo2]

I've posted before about DS1's (aged 9) struggles at school this year - loss of self-confidence, various medical/ health issues being investigated and being a the victim of bullying. Last term, DS1 was put in detention - the worst punishment given by the school - because he'd done what a bully had told him to do - out of fear.

Long story and various discussions with the school....but he's still being bullied and yesterday got a 'minus point' for something the bully had done and he hadn't even done! In fact, he'd begged the bully NOT to do it but DS1 AND the bully got minus points!

Under ordinary circumstances, as a parent, you'd contact the school and discuss the situation and expect some advice and support.

However, I daren't contact the school myself anymore. This is because of a side issue. In summary, I was worried about DS1's loss of confidence academically, especially in Maths. I'd heard that the children would be re-mixed into diffreent maths sets, following recent exam results.

I specifically asked if I could be contacted FIRST before these new sets were decided and if DS1 were to be put down a set - as expected - that I could be the one to explain this to him kindly and sensitively. He's had the first half of the yr being publicly humilated for 'failing' in tests in maths and being 'threatened' with being put down a set.

I was told (even got it in writing!) that yes, I would be the first to know and that I could come in and discuss the whole thing....But the night before the new sets were announced to the children, DS2 (DS1's twin) told me that this was to happen.

I was shocked as the school had confirmed that I could have some say in the setting and come in and chat and that I could tell my son. So I emailed the correct teacher and reminded them of that promise and asked for further reassurance that the school had NOT yet set the children.

I got an email back suggesting that I wasn't supporting the school if I didn't trust them to make these kinds of decisions themselves and that the children were going to be told tomorrow about their new sets. I was then told what sets mine would be in.

I had/ have no issue at all about the fact that both my sons have been demoted - as the group size will be smaller and a change of teacher will likely benefit them. I feel shocked though that the school went back on their agreement with me about discussing things with me first...

It gets worse....I got a phone call from the head to say he'd seen the exchange of emails and wasn't happy. We only had 2 mins to talk but the implication was that I should stay well out of all school decisions and not expect any involvement. He also was v v concerned that I'd been given info in advance of the children and teachers involved about the new sets and made me promise not to tell anyone at all....Yet hrs later, I learned that all the children now knew their new sets and teachers....

My sense is that the school feel I'm too often communicating with them and asking for some discussion about how to help DS1 instead of letting the school get on with things alone. So I feel powerless to raise the bullying issue again. It would mean inadvertently also letting them know that the school renegd on another agreement - that of promising not to sit DS1 next to the bully.

It will also look like I'm always complaining - but if i do nothing and this carries on, DS1 will end up yet again in detention for being the victim of bullying.

Last night, DS1 siad he knew the only solution was to kill himself. As you can imagine, I'm extremely worried even allowing for the fact that 9 yr olds can get melodramatic at times. I'm afraid to be labelled as an interfering parent and that this might have a subsequent effect on my children's progression through the school. I'm also afraid that by doing nothing, I'm letting my son down and he's becoming increasingly stressed.

How can I skillfully manage this situation to achieve the best end result??

Solo2
You really need that interview with the Head because he needs to feel the depth of your concern and anxiety.

Does he realise the amount of grief his school is causing to your family?

Keep the upper hand in this relationship. Give him a bit more cause for worry. Say "I want you to do the following thins ...." and give him a time frame in which they need to be done. Then check up he has done them and let him know that you have checked! YOU are paying the piper so YOU call the tune.

I am going to leave this thread now as I have nothing more useful to add.

Thanks all for the feedback. Re. the bully - this is a troubled child who has an awful reputation for being difficult since pre-school. He's bright but has behavioural problems and is now learning to use his cleverness to manipulate other children. Several parents have commented on why the school allows him to stay at all (he's been very physically violent up too, till about the last year or two).

I know his mum has been incredibly distressed about her son and has had other parents contacting her to tell her that they can't let their DCs play with him anymore because of how he is. I've heard she's been in tears and I suppose I'm reluctant to be yet another of those parents berating her son and had hoped that the school would help deal with the effect he's having on my son.

However, Child X is know to be a brilliant liar and the earlier detention situation was because Child X bullied DS1 into mischief and then 'told' on them both to his parents - who them made Child X report himself at school. But Child X also told DS1 that HE should report himself too - and that was how DS1 ended up in trouble, the first time - for being the victim of bullying.

Anyway, I'm waiting to have a talk with the head and it might be that I see him this week at parents evening anyway. I doubt there be anyone there to discuss pastoral issues with - as it's only for academic feedback - but I'll try to use this as an opportunity to see if I can set up a proper meeting at another time.

I wonder if the school are torn between trying still to support the troubled and difficult Child X and family - who is v bright - and those Child X bullies - like my son...I wonder so many things...is it because Child X is from a 2 parents family of professionals? Is it because Child X is v talented at music?...Anyway, no amount of speculation will help until I've at least attempted to clarify everything with the head. I fear that the head's real concern is NOT about DS1 being bullied but about how I dared have the audacity to remind the school of their promise NOT to set the maths groups until they'd discussed my DCs position with me, when they'd already decided to go ahead and set the children anyway?

Re. other nearby fee-paying schools, as I've said on other threads, the others are much much 'posher' and elite in terms of ones family background and I don't feel we'd fit in as a family. Two finish at age 13, are not v academic and feed into boarding schools and one finishes at age 16 and has a local reputation for being non-academic and for 'problem' children. This latter is a school I've considered however because of it's small class sizes and lower fees! But they may well not have places for my son/s and one issue is that DS1 is adamant that he doesn't want to leave his current school - depsite all the problems.

Why does it have to be a fee-paying school? I really don't understand your reluctance to move him from a school where he is obviously so unhappy. You can complain on here til you're blue in the face. I can say with great certainty that things will not change at school. They are full, their students achieve, the majority of parents are happy. You are the one who is unhappy. In their eyes, therefore, the onus is on you to move, not them to change.

I have to say though that I think that your ds spoke inappropriately to the head on both occasions you've mentioned.

FWIW - my DS would have said the same to a teacher apologising for being late. Yr R and 1 teachers would have sad sided him, Yr 2 teacher realises he actually thinks he's being (as is) kind.

I think unfortunatly your DS sounds like he doesn't fit in the school personality wise. It happens with DC's and teachers quite a lot but when you have a school where the whole ethos influences a teachers dealings it can cause problems iyswim?

Some children are not strong and can't stand up for themselves. This shouldn't be a problem as teachers/ staff should notice this. A private ed school may be fairly old fashioned and try and 'toughen up' a child.

I hope it gets sorted soon for all your sakes.

Well, if you'd rather leave your child at a school where he doesn't seem to fit and is unhappy than consider moving him to a school that't not fee paying, there's no point discussing it further......

This school may be academically good but it is not a nice school. A child who loses self estteem for the whole of year 5 will probably take a long time to gain confidence acain, You need to speak to the school now and insist they do something if they won't then please remove your child.

Hi I have seen you other thread on the special needs board. Do you think DS1 might be acting up at school to get your attention. It seems DS2 is very demanding at home. And now is the golden boy at school. Many of the Heads comments depend very much on how they were said. If they were semi joking and he has a dry sense of humour. No malice might have been meant. I wonder whether it is a combination of factors that have erroded DS1's self confidence, not just school. It sounds as if he needs lots of nuturing at the moment. Can you spend time with him on his own at all.make sure he realises he doesnt have to give in to his brother to keep the peace at home. What he wants to do is important too.If his self esteem is improved he might not fall victim to the bullies. It might be worth contacting organisations such as Red Ballon for help with bullying.

Thanks mary21 and you have a v good point. Yes, I'm sure part of what's going on is that DS1's twin brother has the advantage at school and at home we've 'made allowances' for him all his life. I'm sure DS1 gets sick of this.

DS1 USED to be the one who was far more sociable and had loads of friends plus was the one who was more adventurous and sporty. However, this year, DS1 has become the nervous one in their main sport (horse -riding) and DS2 brave and reckless. DS1 hasn't got a proper 'friend' this year and DS2 has retained his 3 friends. Two of those 3 friends have befriended DS1 also and then DS2 gets v upset. Anything that DS2 is into, he doesn't want his twin to be into as well.

I'm doing what I can to boost DS1s confidence at home but rarely get time alone with him except if DS2 is at a playdate. When that happens, then i try to do something special with DS1 but of course DS1 is also conscious of the fact that DS2 has a playdate and not him.

DS2 is actually regularly commended by teachers for the kinds of comments he makes that are not dissimilar to DS1s recent and well meant comment eg recently, DS2 spontaneously went up to the headmaster in the playground (who chats regularly to him in a friendly way BTW) and said, "Oh Mr X, you look 20 years younger today!" the head was so pleased with this that he made a point of telling me (this is a few weeks ago now).

Fast forward to last week when DS1 says what was motivated similarly as a kind remark ("Don't worry about being late") and the head makes his angry retort.

So yes the wider picture is that DS1 sees his twin getting away with things or rather somehow managing to carry things off in a different way. DS2 has no fear at all of staff. DS1 is much more shy around adults than children.

I think my posts are annoying people now, so I'll stop. I still can't see this as a simple situation about taking DS1 out of this school. Aside from anything else, he really would see this as having been demoted and failed and his twin being the success. Of course by adolescence, DS2 will probably be having all kinds of problems that DS1 won't have because of his Asperger's traits but this doesn't help right now and I can only keep doing all I can to support DS1 through a difficult time. Parents Evening tomorrow night may be enlightening.

Horrible worry for you solo2. Hope you can get it sorted out. Post an update to tell us how you get on at parents evening.

solo I know as mother of 9 year old twins that it is difficult to find special time for each. However, just by virtue of their different interests, there is at least the time when one child is attending a club/activity that the other is not. Also when one child goes to a party and the other does not. I find myself in innumerable situations alone with one or other of my three children just chatting as we walk drive along, nothing special, but it does the trick.

There is also the possibility of a [shock horror] babysitter for the afternoon, if there are no other adults to help you, whilst you take one child out on a outing for two hours, and just chat.

In the end it will come back to your relationship with ds, and I'm afraid you cannot detach this from the way that he is behaving at school or blame school for everything that happens. I'm not saying you are to Blame just that his life at home will be impacting on the way he relates to adults, seeks attention, views goals. After all as a child, we don't have much else to go on, as far as map reading is concerned. I'm sure you are an excellent mother, and have given your all to your twin sons, as is clear from your posts, but it is not how much we do (that unquantifiable measure) and the sacrifices we make that count, but whether what we do is actually paying off and making them happy.

P.s. Why would taking out of that school be a sign that he has failed? Unless you perceive it to be a failure on your part..? There is a bit of a subtext here.
I intend to send my twins to entirely different schools by secondary level(although admittedly they are boy and girl) Still, their interests and inclinations are different, and I see no reason why they should have to be compared for the rest of their lives. You use ds2 as a kind of touchstone throughout the conversation,as a proof that the school is a good school. It is really is not the point, you are talking about a different child who might need a different school.

I am considering seeing a twin psychotherapist for various issues that have come up with mine, in fact I've already seen her once briefly. Have you thought of going down this route? One of things she said was that twins have a bond that is so powerful it is often expressed in weird ways...I can't elaborate, until I've gone back for further sessions

swan such wise words. Your final paragraph really struck a cord with me, in fact I am memorising your words and planning instant changes as I am sure that the way I have handled my DS's school problems has only made them worse in the past - thank you for giving me a lightbulb moment!

x post swan your final paragraph of your 1st post!