Short of actually inserting a rocket into DS(13) backside, how do I get him to apply himself?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

As a self confessed swotty geek lovely girl at school, I presumed that my offspring would also enjoy studying and would apply themselves as I did. Sadly not. DS is now in 2nd year of high school, and despite being bright (or so they tell me, I don't see much evidence) and in the top sets, he seems unwilling to do more than they absolute bare minimum, with some recent test results reflecting his preference for FB/the shite he watches on TV/texting his friends over homework.

He is expected to do an hour of revision and homework each night (more if required), and does, but I'm not sure if he actually takes it in iykwim, and certainly doesn't seem to care much. He wants to study computer science at university, but unless he really starts working - something he's not terribly fond of - he's going nowhere.

Anyway got any ideas - or shall I just go to the firework shop for that rocket?

Um... you put in parental controls on the home computer(s). Facebook can not be accessed from only of ours.

Bribery Rewards.
We were warned by his head of year that Year 9 was a notorious dip year and I'd seen the signs in DS1 towards the end of year 8.
I promised generous rewards based on achieving/ exceeding targets at the end of Year 9.
Might have been coincidence but he definately got stuck in and it cost me a fortune.

He's a different boy in Year 10, self motivated and working hard, and I haven't promised him anything for his results this year.

So he's bright and in top sets.
He does an hour's homework a night.
He has plans to study computer science.

He got 58% for a maths test - do you know the range of marks in the class? Sometimes dd1 tells me a lowish mark and it turns out it was the 3rd highest in the class because it is standard grade level.

He might be absolutely fine. I can't quite figure out why you are so worried.

the op is worried about her ds's aparent lack of interest in pushing himself as he is obviously bright and can do the work without a whole lot of interest

I know thw problem well!

I see. It's not something I would worry much about so that's why I'm finding ir harder to see the problem.

I've got two DSs. Both now at university. Neither did much work in Y8. DS1 went to a very academic school and the teachers there had little expectation that the boys would work hard at that age. He still got all As/A* for GCSE and A2.

All you can do is provide the right environment and encouragement. If you can get him to do his homework away from distractions that would help (thinks back to DS1 revising for exams whilst simultaneously messaging, playing a computer game, working up a DJ set and watching TV).

This thread is like spying in a parallel universe. Your son is in Year 8, not Year 11, he is in top sets, he is doing an hour a night homework - why are you so uptight? Give the boy a break!

Problem is that if they dip in Year 8 (boys are notorious for Year 8 dip) and then they don't claw it back it Year 9, then 10 and 11 are hell on earth to get them going and on track for good GCSE grades. I speak from experience as a Year 10 and then 11 tutor, and as the mother of a current year 10 who is bright but lazy and unmotivated.

Try the THE NEW LEARNING CENTRE in London. It has been fantastic for our teenager. It just hit the headlines when actress Helena Bonham Carter admitted going there and said how much it had helped her not just with her kids but also her relationship with her husband.

Its founder, Noël Janis-Norton, is a learning and behaviour specialist with over 30 years' experience. She has done it all - as a teacher, special needs advisor, mother, foster parent and grandmother. That gave me great confidence - and, if you get to meet her, she's certainly down- to- earth and confidence-inspiring.

She is passionate about parenting and learning, and her mission is to empower children and adults to fulfill their potential. She teaches really effective parenting techniques - but the process requires commitment and time. However, we're finding the time it's taking is (we're only three weeks into the programme)is already proving worth every nanosecond - because things are really changing for the better.

Her methods have been helping my family become more harmonious and getting our teenager out of bed (a great start) and on the road to achieving more than grade U's in her GCSEs. Everyone I have spoken to who has seen her or one of her team (or even just listened to the CDs and acted on them) says they've achieved great results in terms of behaviour.

Their Calmer, Easier, Happier parenting programmes are a refreshing mixture of common sense about children and specialised knowledge about specific difficulties with learning and behaviour.

We heard her first at one of her free evening lectures in West Hampstead, London. Then I bought her five CDs - about a tenner each; you can order them on -line, and they take you step by step through her methods - and then signed up for some private sessions. But she also does workshops and phone consultations for parents globally. She also has a team of experienced learning and behaviour specialists for families whose children and teenagers are experiencing problems. My husband and I went to an introductory evening with one of her team, Gillian, who was also excellent.

Noel doesn't offer a magic wand. But by sticking with listening to her CDs (doing lots of descriptive praise, spending special time with our kids and other techniques ) we're already noticing an improvement in our 15 year old's attitudes,attention to homework, behaviour, motivation, confidence and social skills.

We're definitely going to keep at it - and I was absolutely on my knees thinking we'd messed up with our eldest.

reading posts like this really worry because I am seeing the trend already in primary school. School doesnt push DC so she isnt interested in pushing herself to do a better job than the bare minimum. Other parents tell me they grow out of it, but then reading posts like this really makes me wonder.

As an adult many of us look back and wished we had made a bit more effort at school, I know I certainly did. I was "average - middle of the road" so was completely ignored by teachers in high school, so I switched off. I really dont want the same happening to my kids

Bit of an off the wall suggestion here, but my Mum always said it was entirely up to me whether or not I did my homework, and it didn't effect her one way or the other if I did well in exams or not - much to my chagrin when my mates were getting cash for each GCSE pass.

She did explain that I'd have to take the consequences of whatever I did too - so a bit of hard work now would open up lots of opportunity and possibly fun too, and a lot of slacking would just open the door to the job centre. So if I didn't put in the effort the only person I'd be hurting would be myself. I ended up with a bucketful of As so something must have worked.

Maybe boys are different though? Although as others have said it sounds like your DS is doing his homework and getting good marks, so maybe you have nothing to worry about.

Another possibility is that he is keeping up appearances? I seem to remember it was OK at school to be clever, you could still be popular as long as you didn't look like you tried to hard at it!

too hard, I mean. Think the spelling part of my brain has gone to bed already.

My DS is yr 8 and 13yo. Exactly the same as OP's son, bright and clever, very good results without really having to try. He's having a bit of a dip this year too but I'm not stressing over it too much at the moment. I'm keeping an eye on his overall attitude to life and his elders, keeping his manners in check and his respect to others etc. This is a difficult year for boys, IMO, they're turning from boys to young men and too much pressure at this point in their lives could end up doing more harm than good.

I'm not just sitting back and doing nothing, my eye is firmly on the ball and I've got good communication with the school. I'm just not stressing right now and giving him some growing room. I know my DS is bright, always has been, IMO if you give them a bit of room to breathe they'll come good. They're not going to suddenly forget all their learning nor are they going to stop being capable of learning. Relax a little bit and be calm, he'll be okay, he's just growing up

In my case my DS is only 9 so I cant make these sort of threats yet, she is too young, and if I did do any of your suggestions I would be castrated by not only mumsnet posters but parents, teachers and friends.

I am still trying the softly softly approach and the waiting game.

If he's in top sets and is bright then you probably don't have much to worry about.

However, a bit of gentle nagging in Y8 might not go amiss as he'll be choosing GCSE subjects next year and the weighting given to GCSE results varies from university to university. We have yet to see what difference the Ebacc will make to university admissions proceedures.

For highly sought-after courses good GCSE results might be the deciding factor in being invited for interview or not. Some choose candidates for interview solely on GCSE results, regarding them as more reliable than predicted A level grades.

OTOH, nephew spent all his teenage years glued to computer games, didn't bother with university and made a good living as a programmer. Then he got bored with programming and went to uni as a mature student!

Hi
been there, done that!
Maybe your son is right, and you should stop nagging! We never mean to nag, we are just doing our job as parents, but unfortunately that message seems to get lost in the space between our mouth and the kids' ears! At this age there is a lot going on in his life besides schoolwork, and to me nothing is more important than keeping a two way line of communication open. If all he hears is what he thinks of as nagging, he will likely stop telling you stuff, avoid your company, and switch off to the sound of your voice. My own experience was that after I lightened up a bit, it created an atmosphere where discussions about schoolwork and about other things in their life became easier to have. Also I try to remember that their life isnt just about preparation for work, it should be fun (and unfortunately thats what they think is fun, not what you think!)

Nagging is such a loaded word. I used it in the previous post. Now I long to nag!

Self-motivating, studious daughter, whom I used to have to remind to rest from school work, has got herself into a prestigious university course 300 miles away and appears to have gone completely wild.

Nag? I'd like to give her a severe tongue lashing.....

Perhaps this should be a different thread - sorry.

Back to the OP, boys generally are more likely to excel at exams whereas girls generally do better at coursework. Hence boys tended to succeed over girls at O-level and the introduction of GCSE brought about a surge in successful girls so that the coursework component was subsequently reduced. The OP's son is likely to do well in his exams, therefore, and be displaying 'typical' boy traits regarding homework.
I know all that sounds like a sweeping generality but the figures comparing O-level and GCSE passes after the introduction of GCSE bear it out.

You can ban facebook from your home computer by restrciting access to the site using a special computer program. no more facebook

For those of you who are saying 'hey, they grow out of it, give them room,' be warned - it ain't always so.

Once they get out of the habit of working it is very hard to get them re-motivated and engaged, especially if they have been bored for most of KS3 and haven't had to try too hard. What may be acceptable for homework at KS3, doesn't make the grade at KS4. I speak from experience, having a Year 10, who coasted for all of KS3, and is now having a near melt down at the amount of work he is expected to put in for his IGCSE French in May.

I await next year with trepidation!

If he knows what he wants to be isnt that a good thing id back of your more likely to make him want to do badly to annoy you i think If he feels in control and doesnt acheive what he wants he could always go back to education later .If my dd had wanted to be a hairdresser or whatever it would have been ok with me but she is going to uni most probably in september its always been her choice

I would not be as relaxed about this as some posters on here tbh. Boys who think they can get away with doing the bare minimum may get away with it for a couple of years, but then their grades start to slip, they end up not in the top sets for GCSEs, continue to not apply themselves, and before you know it they are C/D borderline cases at GCSE.

I would also be very concerned by the Maths result btw. Bright but lazy kids often still manage to excel in Maths, without putting in any effort with revision and so on. Then think they can transfer this attitude to other subjects.

How often does your school issue reports? Do they give a grade for effort? This is what you need to work on. Can you try and motivate your lad by offering rewards for achieving certain improvement in effort grades at his next report?

Alternatively, if you think he will respond better, remove or limit certain privileges: x-box/computer/socialising time until he has achieved this improvement in effort grades.

I work in a secondary school, mainly with 15 and 16 yr-olds who need catch-up help. By that stage too many parents are completely uninvolved. When I phone up often they just shrug their shoulders and say "Yeah, he's like that at home, I can't get him to do anything. He just plays on his Playstation til the early hours of the morning." Often these are bright children who started off in secondary in top sets!

It is way too late by this stage, you need to instil a work ethic now. The best way of doing this is by praising and rewarding effort and application and motivation (and not focusing on results.)

Hear, hear Roisin!

sadly in the same predicament- DS is a full boarder and as such I feel i've handed over the reins entirely and he seems to have no enthusiasm for anthing academic. Perhaps the pastoral care is too good as he seems to spend his time playing with friends. He's in year 9 and although he does 2 hours of prep a night and has saturday school, he is just producing the bare minimum and I'll be honest I'm terrified that it wont get any better. Directions for rocket shop please!!

Nickschick

As an aside somebody bought my ds a nasa spaceset...he left it on the stairs - dh came down v early in the dark slipped and a plastic nasa rocket really did almost go up his ass

Made me LOL, which I needed today, on a more serious side I have to I agree with Roisin.