Has anyone here had a child who's gone through a difficult time at school (like DS1 now aged 9) but, with parental support and persistence, has got through this and thrived?
DS1 - like his twin - is in an academically selective prep school. He was offered a place at age 2.75 at the pre-prep, perceived as the 'right sort of child for the school' but I turned the place as his twin didn't get in. Both were offered places at age 6.
DS2 is thriving - except struggling with maths, as the school are doing 11+ maths with these 9 to 10 yr olds, given there are several genuine maths geniuses at the school. DS1 isn't thriving. He's having a difficult year socially, feels isolated and bullied and is very very down on himself academically.
He keeps telling me he's "stupid".
He's in 'remedial handwriting'. He's struggling in the middle set of three maths sets and being told he'll be 'put down' if he doesn't do better. The maths teacher uses public comparisons and sarcasm to 'support' children 
. The school's feedback is that DS1's unfocused and lazy.
He's right in the middle of seeing a neuropsychologist, privately, as I think he has problems with attention/ memory and processing at speed but there's no outcome yet. I think his difficulties academically are hard-wired cognitive problems - not lack of trying.
He's recently had some ongoing health issues (investigations for irregular heartbeat and recurrent vomiting).
This school has a fantastic reputation and the seniors is somewhere near the top of the league tables. It's rapidly expanding and hugely oversubscribed. Class size is quite large for a fee-paying school (24 to 26 in each of three Yr 5 classes). It's 'known' locally as the 'best' school and both my twins are aware of it's reputation and don't want to leave. They feel familiar with the school, until last yr, DS1 had loads of friends and DS2 fits really well here (has Asperger's traits but so do many of the other children).
But for the first time, I'm seriously wondering if it's been a huge mistake to send them here. Maybe others have been in the position where your child has managed to pass entrance exams for an academically selective school and you feel proud and get caught up on a wave of feeling that they've 'made it' - a bit like I remember feeling when I got into Oxbridge. I wasn't happy there, however and I'm not sure DS1 is happy at age 9 at a highly 'esteemed' school.
Can this still work for DS1? Could he just be going through a difficult phase? Might he be fine by Yr 6 and have others had children who have similarly floundered but survived and thrived?
He'd be devastated to leave and it'd be logistically impossible to manage him in one school and DS2 in the current school (I'm a single mum running f/t business alone and no family support around). So in a way, either both stay or both leave...If DS2 stayed and DS1 left, I think DS1 would feel always that he was the one who'd 'failed'.
But then there's the thing that there's no clear alternative. There are 3 other fee-paying schools - with smaller class sizes - which is gugely attractive. Two of these, ('posher but not so academically selective)though, end at age 13 and many of the children then go to boarding school - not an option I'd consider / want or be able to afford.
The other school ends at age 16 - with children going on to 6 form colleges - and the school fees are less than what I pay now but there are only 16 children in each class. However, this school seesm to have a local reputation as the school you send your DCs to if they have "emotional/ psychological problems and aren't very bright" (not my words). My DCs would feel massively 'demoted' by a move here and neither wants to leave the current school either....
The local state schools are fine but have large class sizes and in no way compare with the fee-paying schools in terms of results, opportunities, extra curricular things.
As I have no partner to discuss this with, I thought I'd 'put it out' on MN. I'm about to meet with the deputy head and DS1s form teacher but this is to discuss how to help DS1 with friendships rather than a wider picture about his loss of confidence academically as well. I've already talked to the school about this but nothing's changed and I can hardly say, "can you get some better teachers, reduce class size and ensure that the maths teacher stops declaring publicly, DS1's poor test results each week"!
There is even more pressure than usual on the children as they approach important Yr 5 exams. They're getting masses of homework, as well as being expected to revise and certainly my DCs are not managing any revision as their ordinary homework alone (well the maths really) is taking 2 to 2.5 hrs a night. Last night they were both crying about feeling too tired to do anymore and I was in conflict, feeling like I'm failing them if I don't support them to complete homework but also feeling like I'm failing them if I push them beyond the limits.
This is all detail but my core question right now is - do I take them out of this school - but thereby possibly pass up on the 'best' education they might have - or do I keep trying to work with them and the school to help them/ DS1 through a difficult but hopefully transient phase?
Who has experiences to support each side of the argument please?