Fitting in with parents at my son's private school

[Moll3]

My son is lucky enough to have won a scholarship to a private school.
He is nine and just into his second year at the school He seems to have settled in very well and doesn't have a problem knowing the other kids come from huge houses and their parents are very rich!
The problem is me I seemed to get a friendly welcome from most parents and even thought I had made some friends. Getting invited over houses, yet it all seemed superficial somehow. I have to admit I didn't want to invite anyone around my little house as I didn't feel as though I knew them well enough to know how they would react.
Having said this it is obvious from my dress, persona etc that I am from a different background.
I did make one friend who also had a son at school on a scholorship. She was very down to earth and we got on well, she had been around my house many times, and I around hers. She also found it hard to get on with the other mum's and said she didn't like them as they were stuck up.
After the summer break I suddenly found myself bieng blanked by the other mums I had no idea why. This made me feel quite lonely as I would turn up to my son's various matches and feel a bit isolated.
What hurts most is that the friend I had made began to blank me, it turned out she had been having golf lessons with the other 'stuck up' mum's and felt she was now in the clique so no longer needed me.
At match teas she would sit with the other women laughing and joking while ignoring me.
I have to admit to bieng in floods of tears over this.

Can anyone relate to this at all and give me any advice. I know this all may sound pathetic I am 46 and feel like I am back in the school yard again.
Sorry for the long message!

I think that the whole school-mum thing is just like being at school ourselves. Sometimes it is awful. We have an 'alpha' group at our school. Definetely. They have thir own bench to sit on and everything! The rest of us are not really allowed to talk to them. They all wear sunglasses.

It seems to me that you may have 'written off' all of the the mothers as being stuck up, and only really made friends with the other person you think is in the same position as you. Some of the others might be lovely too. You might have other things in common with them, things that aren't really to do with money like books or something. perhaps the other mother is slowly making friends with the main group but thinks that you are not ken on them so is not including you.

Could you 'use' your ds a bit and suggest to one of his friends mums that you take them swimming or something after school. I think you are going to have to push yourself forward. I moved to another country two years ago and I have had to work really hard at making friends. And it is work. I have little in common with most of them, but it is sink or swim.

Oh I feel for you. But I wonder if this is your problem rather than their problem. You say you made a friend and talked to her about your issues. Did you actually agree with her they were stuck up. That may have been reported back and you will have to build up trust again. Yes in general life is a bit like the school yard.

DS goes to a similar school. Money's relative and a lot of these women may have troubles of their own; remortgages, etc., because they are just beyond the cusp of bursaries, etc.. There's an awful lot of keeping up appearances at these schools.

Just be yourself and accept everyone else for what they are too.

Some of the richest mums at DS's school are actually the kindest, most nicely mannered people you would hope ever to meet and I'm quite sure some of the fawning must really get to them. I can think of two who are super rich and they certainly didn't start off with as much as I did and underneath the polish, when they are a little bit tipsy, the little hint of Hull and Cockney emerge.

We always feel somewhere near the middle of the bottom half - terraced house, ageing car, unglamourous holidays, and we're certainly not posers but we keep our own counsel, quietly volunteer for the occasional thing here and there and NEVER engage in tittle tattle.

be yourself that's all you can be

and be as hospitable as you can - if I'd had someone round to my house a number of times and had no invitation for coffee back I'd be wondering what was wrong with me

you are thinking they're 'stuck up' they are thinking you're stand-offish

get the chip off your shoulder and invite them round for lunch or tea and cake

Can relate but you've got to get over it. Your son doesn't care that "the other kids come from huge houses and their parents are very rich!" but you obviously do.

You're a grown up. Either make an effort to make friends - invite them round for coffee, go start up conversations with them at matches - make a big effort, be nice, and get the chip off your shoulder. Or forget about it and focus on your friendships outside school.

agree with Gooftroop. tbh you sound more hung up over the scholarship issue than the others would be. I suspect that gets in the way of how you perceive the "clique" and that is why they may not respond. Many school related friendships(private and state) are superficial, you only know each other through coincidence of having kids in class together. Accept it for what it is and then decide whether you want to be friends on that basis alone. Find another mum at a match and make conversation about what is happening on the field. Invite your previous friend to meet you for coffee and just hover in the group at teas. Despite appearances you are unlikely to be the only one feeling insecure.

I can relate to this, and think it's a reflection of any playground not just those of private schools. There's definitely an in crowd at DCs school, and I'm not part of it.

I echo the advice above about using your DS's friendships as the starting point. When you have his friends round, ask the mummie in for coffee when she picks up. Even if declined, which it may well be as a result of evening rush, chat for a few minutes. Suggest meeting up one morning for a coffee ( at a cafe near the school if you don't feel up to having people in your house yet). Volunteer for tasks with the PTA (fête?), and keep turning up for matches - perhaps a bit late so you have a simple opener to other parents ("What's the score? How are they playing?")

Is your DS happy there?

I agree that the well off parents very probably couldn't care less how big your house is. Why should they?

You have been invited round to their houses so it is only polite to return the invitations. If you don't make the size of your bank balance an issue then I doubt anyone else would.

If anyone judges you on that basis then you can drop them. But give them a chance.

DH and I both come from modest backgroungs (educated at very ordinary comps, modest houses etc) and we are certainly among those who struggle to pay the school fees, but I have found that the really well off parents are often the most genuinely friendly.

I don't feel that my self eorth is measured by how big my house is so it is not an issue to me.

Be friendly, invite people to your house without feeling you have to apologise for its size (if it is relatively clean then there is no problem! ).

You should find that the kind of people you would like to be friendly with will respond well to that. Those that judge you for not having as much money as them are no loss.

I think you convey a misery lots have felt, REGARDLESS of income; many indy schools do have groups of mums who have known each other for many years - though oddly my worst experience of this was at a state nursery...

My suggestion may be the wrong one: do you actually need to join this social group anyway? It's not pleasant being shut out, but it only happens if you WANT to be in.

agree with siegliede. It took me several years to realise that not only had most fo the children been together since nuersery year (ds joined year 3) but that a cohort of their mums (and dads) had attended the same schools within a few years of each other, So there was a whole social history to which I would never be privy and it made more sense why I felt on the periphery.

The way the "Other Mum" has treated you is horrid, OP, I'd cry about that, too. :( But must admit I have pretty much given up on the whole idea of having any social life with other school mums. I have barely spoken to any other parents at DS's current (also private) school.

I sympathise OP.

My recommendation: don't engage.

You are not back at school, your child is. Drop and run. If you have to attend events on your own, take a book and/or personal stereo.

Socialise with people you like elsewhere.

savoy Yes! What is it with the sunglasses perched on top of their heads all year round???

Hugs Moll3,

I am reallly sorry to hear about your experiences.

My dd1 has just started at a large private school (dh is a teacher there) and we are also not in the same league as the other parents but I try my best to be friendly to everyone, take pride in the fact I don't need a money/big house and also have no expectations whatsoever of making any real friends. I know this is not exactly a very positive approach but due to these low expectations I generally have a good time at coffee mornings & have made some friends. It also has spurred me on to make more of an effort with my friends (ones before kids) and neighbours!

I know this is not an easy time for you, but things will get better. If you try to be friendly then some people will thaw, but as avenging points out no harm in also taking a book along.

I am not very impressed with your friend's behaviour though. I don't think she is a very nice person and you deserve better.

Good luck

I think perhaps making friends with one other person who is also feeling isolated & ill at ease is a difficult start, because that person is still going to feel insecure even when she starts being "accepted", so she's likely to feel her own position is so uncertain that by bringing you in she'd be risking hers. Does that make sense?

What you want is somehow to identify the people who really are confident (that doesn't mean the noisiest ones - often the opposite!) so the people who have no concerns at all about whether their own position is made more or less uncertain by being friends with you.

It's all a bit ridiculous, I know. One way that always works for me (but depends on you having the time for it, which is very difficult for me) is getting involved - being part of the second-hand uniform committee, or the team that makes the nativity costumes, or whatever. That way you get to know people who are automatically happy you're there because you are a help. And it REALLY tells you who the nice people are and who are the waste-of-efforts.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. It has helped me feel a lot better and you all have made some valid points.

I sat next to a very nice mum in assembly this morning and after chatting to her found we had a lot in common, it's a start!
I will try a bit harder with the other mums I'm sure your right about them thinking me stand-offish for not inviting them around.
I have to say I think I am better off keeping my original friend at arms length, I find it hard to forgive her for what she's done. I have never done anything to her to make her behave the way she has.
The phrase I used for the other mums bieng 'stuck up' was hers and not my opinion.
Have to agree the sunglasses thing is a bit strange, gave me a good giggle though which I needed!

yes - be yourself Moll3. Other people's opinions of you do not matter. Your opinion of you does. My best friend at school had a great house - even a horse. And you know what, it was fab because I got to ride it! Look at it that way. Close off the negative and accentuate the positive. Your son got a scholarship. Now that is something to smile about for the rest of your life

Agree with others that it's the sort of problem that crops up at any school.

The trouble is, us, er, saddos hold out a forlorn hope that we might make oodles of friends at the school gate but it often just doesn't happen.

I too found that many women had known each other for years, or had older children and had already formed friendship groups.

It's just the luck of the draw really whether you meet a likeminded soul - little to do with money and how big your pony paddock is.

why do oyu NEED ot get on with them
its a school not a social club

Lots of good advice here.

I would say, try not to see the other mums as a single group, try to break it down and look at them (and talk to them) as individuals. Groups of people who all know each other are often pretty scary - whether you are similar to them or not. Individuals are usually quite nice. (And if they aren't, then write off that individual rather than everybody).

Honestly, I do not think that most of the mothers would judge you on house, dress etc. They might be assuming that you don't want to be friends with them - maybe because you keep away from them?

Good luck - and congratulations to your DS on his scholarship.

moll3 - do as I do.

Go to the school, drop DS, be pleasant with anyone who speaks, otherwise dont worry. Just because your son goes to the school does not mean you have to be friends with the parents, go to their houses, etc.

Choose your frends on the basis of people you like - not where your DS goes to school.

I know what you mean, not had chance to read the whole thread but wanted to tell you my story as briefly as I can.

I'm a childminder and was asked to collect from the local private school, the mums wouldn't speak to me as it was clear the child I was collecting wasn't mine and I was just the "hired help", it was a horrible feeling but in the end I thought to myself it is their loss, I know I'm a nice person, I don't need their friendship or approval, I would smile and say hello even though they wouldn't reply I remained friendly, I didn't make any friends BUT I did learn something. I learnt I am not lower than them, they are not better than me, I am equal. After all I own my own business, I earn probably as much as some of them, now a few years later it turns out I know the headmaster and his wife (lovely down to earth people), I have been to their house for drinks and was invited to their new years party. I also babysit for a family who live in a posh area of town in a large house and I thought I would have nothing in common with them but it turns out (after chatting to them, (again lovely down to earth people) we have a lot in common and they are hoping to get their children into the same school as my dd1 so though I am their "hired help" I don't feel like I'm lower class and neither should you. Hold you head up, invite them to your home for a cuppa if you want to and dont feel ashamed.

Rich people need friends too.

The only people that will snub you are those that are insecure in their own social position

I'm afraid I agree wiht Madam Deathstare, if they were friendlier before, it does sound as if this other mum has reported back that you find the mums stuck up.

Put yourself in their shoes. You say you were given a friendly welcome generally, invited to their homes. You did not invite them back and possibly this other mum you spoke to has been passing on the information that you find them stuck up. They are now a bit cooler.

So just show you like them. What I would do is complement a mother on her child (if you are genuine about it), ask for advice (where to get something, etc).

Possibly if you get desperate, take up golf!