Fitting in with parents at my son's private school

[Moll3]

My son is lucky enough to have won a scholarship to a private school.
He is nine and just into his second year at the school He seems to have settled in very well and doesn't have a problem knowing the other kids come from huge houses and their parents are very rich!
The problem is me I seemed to get a friendly welcome from most parents and even thought I had made some friends. Getting invited over houses, yet it all seemed superficial somehow. I have to admit I didn't want to invite anyone around my little house as I didn't feel as though I knew them well enough to know how they would react.
Having said this it is obvious from my dress, persona etc that I am from a different background.
I did make one friend who also had a son at school on a scholorship. She was very down to earth and we got on well, she had been around my house many times, and I around hers. She also found it hard to get on with the other mum's and said she didn't like them as they were stuck up.
After the summer break I suddenly found myself bieng blanked by the other mums I had no idea why. This made me feel quite lonely as I would turn up to my son's various matches and feel a bit isolated.
What hurts most is that the friend I had made began to blank me, it turned out she had been having golf lessons with the other 'stuck up' mum's and felt she was now in the clique so no longer needed me.
At match teas she would sit with the other women laughing and joking while ignoring me.
I have to admit to bieng in floods of tears over this.

Can anyone relate to this at all and give me any advice. I know this all may sound pathetic I am 46 and feel like I am back in the school yard again.
Sorry for the long message!

I wear sunglasses, it helps hide my sleepy eyes in the morning before I get my caffeine boost.

You don't have to invite people back if you don't want to. I didn't for a while because of building work so instead invited people to meet at the park instead of our house. I'd bring a flask of tea, biscuits and drinks for the children. I think that worked quite well as we had invites back afterwards.

I'm sure that you feeling they are 'stuck up' is the problem. Just be friendly but don't expect it to be more than superficial-it may deepen to more in time-it may not-take it as it comes.

I agree wuth those above who say it sounds like your thoughts on these Mums were reported back to them.

And actually I'd be hacked off too, if I'd invited someone around and tried to be friendly, only to learn that person thought I was stuck up.

Lesson learned - don't gossip with folk you hardly know.

And don't take things on face value. I'm probably seen as one of the in crowd up at school. I certainly hang out and chat with everyone at the gates and at any match etc ( and am guilty of wearing sunnies)...but we're not close or a clique. I'm just friendly.

And I really, really don't give a shit how much money someone has or not.

Agree that in my experience the nicest, most down to earth people, are those who are comfortable in their own skin. They are usually the people from "old money" who don't give a fig about your car, clothes, holidays, house.

I moved to a very affluent village and on my arrival at toddler group, after an awkward "Oh didnt know you were coming here" from a neighbour, was told to sit with the nannies. They all knew I wasnt a nanny but because of my northen accent had decided I wasnt good enough to join their clique. I was told this was the case many years later. I also found out that some of them assumed we had won the lotter as how else could we have afforded our house?

Only one of these mums spoke to me. We became really good friends. I later found out she and her husband had more money than the other lot put together. ( Her DH was connected to the royal family ].

What Im trying to say is just keep talking to these parents. You will find a nice one!!

They told you to sit with the nannies....

wow

I also don't see why nannies are a species apart and can't sit with the mothers. We are all women. You'd think it was pre WWII

I agree our village is pre WW11 and as soon as DC have finished local school will be removing ourselves!! I could give you a long list of peoples outdated attitudes to various topics!

I'm just sorry I was very young when this incident happened. It really upset me at the time, wouldn't bother me now, would just have ignored them and sat where the hell I wanted.

My children go to the local village school. It is an affluent area and not socially heterogenous. The parents who send their children are indistinguishable from prep school parents. Many on leaving the village school go onto private school from post 11 years (but as village school is Ofsted outstanding parents don't feel the need prior to this)

There are about 3 houses in the village which are Housing Association and a while ago a mum moved in with her family. She was different to many of us,as you say you are. It wasn't an issue - for us at least

Genuine friendly overtures were made - (e.g. I invited her son to dd's party even though he had been at school for about 3 weeks and was not a friend of hers)....but the mum would arrive at the last conceivable minute at the school gates and scuttle off quick smart, head down, avoiding eye contact. I think she expected us to be stuck up bitches and we weren't given the opportunity to prove otherwise.

Now I know you haven't done this at your son's school - but have you been less open and friendly than you might otherwise have been because you feel you might not fit in? - thus making it a self fulfilling prophecy?

Everyone has insecurities, regardless of how wealthy they are.

Also, everyone makes assumptions about people's income/class that might not be correct.

I would consider myself 'normal' and hate it when people assume that because I went to Cambridge I'm posh/rich/whatever! (I am clever and I can punt!)

So, a wealthy person might be cross if they were considered 'stuck up'.

Just be yourself, don't assume anything about anyone and make friends with people who look fun, kind and interesting.

I work for very wealthy people and my dds go to school with very unwealthy people (poorest school intake in LEA) but I haven't yet found anything significantly different between the two categories or people, other than about 1 mill in cash!

Moll3. Just read your thread again. Please don't think your son is "lucky enough to have won a scholarship". Your son worked hard for that scholarship and has the place he rightly deserves. Please don't ever let him think he got it through luck; he got there because of his intellectual ability not because of his parents' ability to pay. Be proud of the boy you produced and his achievements. A wise old soul once told me you should judge a person's achievement on the distance they travel not the destination.

BeenBeta is right on the money....

Join the PTA....those women tend to be friendly and have regular meetings where you will get to know them more. They always want more help too!

I was a bit like you at my DDs private school...we have a small house etc...bt now I don't care..and neither do they! They don't judge me for being less well off...I have also been guilty of judging...one woman appeared SO stuck up and she was always head to toe in designer gear but after a while I realised she was really funny...very witty and nice...she's just posh and good looking too!

HAve you read "Queen Bees and Wannabees"? Because I would say your "friend" seems to be acting like a banker. Maybe you want to look at the book, if only to analyse how life in the playground is (if you have a DD it will be extremely useful later). It does seem a lot like school.

Do look around for people you can chat to, those on the edge of the in-crowd. Do chat to friends of your son etc. The posh aren't that different, and the truly posh tend to notice messy etc. much less (or have the good manners not to judge).

If your son is happy there and has friends, I wouldn't worry about the other parents. I am sure you have plenty of friends outside of the school.

The main thing is that he is enjoying himself. Bollocks to the parents, they are just ignorant.

I have to say I am surprised that they are like that. You will find some in every school, state or private who think they are above, but they are not the ones who you would want to mix with anyway. I am sure as time goes on, you will find plenty of other down to earth parents like you.

Join the PTA!?!?!?!?!

Good grief no. Its a den of petty Queen Bee rivalry at our school.

AM I the only one that hasn't come across school ground cliques , groups of friends yes but not bitchy cliques.

People have such weird ideas about PTAs -they are generally just public spirited people who are prepared to do the work-a good job that some people are while the rest moan and do nothing!

i second the NOT joining the PTA.

I have 2 children that had a private primary education and 3 step children that had a state education.

The only lasting benefit my children have from the public school is the friends they made. Education and ethics soon get erodded in an effort to be normal and not stand out.

A sad fact of life is that your child will have more opportunities from the social network he develops. Your son has been given a great opportunity and I would encourage you to embrace it as best you can. You have as much right to stand in the playground or on the touchline as any of the other parents do, I know it can be depressing when you are getting money thrown in your face all the time.

I made friends with a multi billionaire, sadly deceased, who admired how I put family before work. Let them get to know you, I'm sure there are things about you they will like. But don't pretent to be something you are not.

I think that the best way of getting to know people is the PTA.

ggirl - whether a group of people are a clique or not is in the eye of the beholder, I think.

AT DCs school, a group of other Mums and I, often stand and chat. We're probably quite loud.

But we're not particularly close. We don't hang out very often outside of school. And we're certainly not exclusive iyswim. How could we be? Tis a free country and anyone may stand or sit where they like, the last time I checked.

Don't join the PTA, at a private school it is all about money. I went to the schools fireworks last week and was gobsmacked at the show of money. Parents had donated professional cattering through to £10k worth of fireworks.

ggirl - no you are not, groups of friends rather than bitchy cliques at my school too

Oh I don't think you can generalise about PTAs.
I've volunteered for all sorts of events but have never been asked to put my hand in my pocket. I've run the tea stall, been on litter picking duty (deep joy), dressed as an elf for the grotto (deeper joy).

Pairs of hands, organisers and raffle ticket sellers are needed everywhere, whatever type of school.

Both my sons go to expensive private schools, we both work and can just about afford it. My second one is at a world famous one but it really doesnt matter to the boys. There are kids there are full scholarships and the boys dont care, providing you join in with the school stuff and do well for your house.

I am going to be harsh here and say you do sound quite needy and with a big chip on your shoulder about 'rich people'. We arent all stinking rich swanning around in sunglasses and Porsches. Some of us have just decided that we want to invest money in our children's education. We have worries and concerns just like everyone else.

We make choices in life, some marry someone rich and dont need to work, some decide to carry on working so that there are two salaries coming in, some fees are paid by grandparents, some people have won the lottery (lucky devils)and some just have a smaller house than they would normally consider and use the balance to pay the fees, of course some have children that work hard and win scholarships to private schools. Good for your son. You must be very proud of him. Dont spoil it for yourself by over analysing the situation.

Agree with Rocky 12. That resonates.