Fitting in with parents at my son's private school

[Moll3]

My son is lucky enough to have won a scholarship to a private school.
He is nine and just into his second year at the school He seems to have settled in very well and doesn't have a problem knowing the other kids come from huge houses and their parents are very rich!
The problem is me I seemed to get a friendly welcome from most parents and even thought I had made some friends. Getting invited over houses, yet it all seemed superficial somehow. I have to admit I didn't want to invite anyone around my little house as I didn't feel as though I knew them well enough to know how they would react.
Having said this it is obvious from my dress, persona etc that I am from a different background.
I did make one friend who also had a son at school on a scholorship. She was very down to earth and we got on well, she had been around my house many times, and I around hers. She also found it hard to get on with the other mum's and said she didn't like them as they were stuck up.
After the summer break I suddenly found myself bieng blanked by the other mums I had no idea why. This made me feel quite lonely as I would turn up to my son's various matches and feel a bit isolated.
What hurts most is that the friend I had made began to blank me, it turned out she had been having golf lessons with the other 'stuck up' mum's and felt she was now in the clique so no longer needed me.
At match teas she would sit with the other women laughing and joking while ignoring me.
I have to admit to bieng in floods of tears over this.

Can anyone relate to this at all and give me any advice. I know this all may sound pathetic I am 46 and feel like I am back in the school yard again.
Sorry for the long message!

Why do you need to see them at all? I don't know any of the mothers at the DDs' school - why would I?

Agree with MrsS...
Dtr has just started at indie from state - didn't want her to start with a psychological disadvantage of thinking that she was 'lucky' to be there, wasn't worthy in some way because a lot (but not all) of the other girls are clearly from wealthy backgrounds.
My girl has quickly identified those with a sense of entitlement and is mature enough to know that having money does not necessarily make you nice or 'better' than anyone else.
As a parent, I keep myself to myself. If another parent talks to me I respond and engage accordingly. I do not go out of my way to make friends - I have my own friends.
If it happens, it happens.
Saying that, two of my very bestest friends are other parents from when my children started school - I couldn't imagine life without them. I don't have the same expectations from secondary schools - I work, I don't drop off / collect anymore. There isn't the time to worry about schoolyard friends anymore.

I spend most of my life being blanked at very expensive prep school gates.
I'm a nanny in a very rural area where I seem to be the only one.
I just let them blank me. I'm here to do a job not make friends and they certainly don;t want to associate with 'the staff'
I keep it very polite and friendly but they can behave how they like. Whatever they choose it will not reflect badly on me.
After many years of watching this ridiculous spectacle it doesn;t change anywhere in the world I might add, it just becomes more tedious.
Surely your son is friends with somebody. That's usually a good way to get better acquainted.

How very horrid and odd, Surreal.

DS's best buddies are both looked after by nannies and I know them far better then the Mums ( one of which I have only met briefly once in seven years).

They drop their charges at my house and come in for a cup of tea ( or are certainly invited). They call me or email when they want DS to come over to them.

How do you organise those sorts of things with everyone blanking you?

I recently ran into a Nanny I knew of old the other week and it was totally like catching up with an old friend. I find Nannies fab, and if your kid has a kid with a Nanny for a friend they get the most amazing playdates (much better than I ever do).

I'm sorry this group of Mums blank you!

Invite some kids back for goodness sake. If I invite a lad for tea I expect a reciprocal invite in the next few weeks. If I have had him over twice with nothing in return I consider that either ds or I have offended the parents or they are just plain rude.

Other parents have more money, more exciting jobs and lovely houses but we have more games for our playstation and that is all nine year old boys care about.

I don't because I work for a stay at home mum so she organises things like that according to who she wants to socialise with.
She likes to do the bits she can be seen doing herself.
It's nice to know there are some mums out there who do not automatically view nannies as the spawn of Satan. It's very much like that everywhere I've been unless I've been overseas where I hold almost celebrity status (which is even funnier)
The other one I love is when the mums report my every move, facial expression and intonation back to my boss. Given she and her DH are around all the time they have a pretty good idea how I work and I'm sure they would let me know in an instant if they were unhappy.
Agree with Trice. Invest in some good games and invite friends over. You don't have to be best friends with any of them and your son will soon be of an age where parental involvement is less of an issue anyway.

My nanny is great friends with my NCT group and my "baby friends" and I really like this. Sometimes we meet up with people together!

Drop off your child, keep your head held high and drive away with a huge smile on your face knowing you are worth ten of them.

You are giving your child a great education, find your friends elsewhere. They don't deserve you honey.

I can sympathise with you as there are loads of similarities here to my own situation. DS also won a scholarship at 11 to a very expensive school. He got it on academic achievement but as I am a single mum on a low salary he was awarded a large bursary. He has been there for 6 years now and I haven't made any friends to speak of. DS is socially adept at holding his own in all situations and has done very well in all aspects of school life. He holds a position of responsibility and is well thought of by the teachers (they tell me)
I didn't send him to this school so that I could climb the social ladder myself. I have a good social life anyway. I have always been friendly with the mums and attend lots of school events but I don't have a lot in common with them. I make polite conversation when I need to but don't do the 'Ladies Luncheons'
A colleague of mine once told me she'd been at a dinner party with a parent at the same school and they had expressed annoyance at people like me whose children got in on academic grounds and did not have to pay full fees. Could this be jealousy? Some do blank me but I'm not bothered in the slightest. I have my own house, job, no debts and I've done it on my own. I'm not into keeping up with the Joneses.
It is hard to pay all the extras, uniform, school trips etc but it's been worth every penny. My DS is a credit to me and I'm so proud of him.
On a separate note ( I work at an indy) the teachers respect the parents that don't get involved in the cliques.

Laughing at the sunglasses-on-head thing. I have two children at private schools, one on a scholarship. I find that smiling and being friendly works wonders with all sorts (except the sunglasses-on-the-head brigade, whom I'd never be friends with anyway. They all keep stilettos in their 4x4s in order to walk up the path to school - they surely don't drive in them). Really, the other 99 percent don't give a toss about how big your house is or how old your car is. Most of them are so preoccupied with paying the fees that they don't have time to worry about how other people's finances. I speak from mucho experience!

Hey, not sure how you are getting on now, but I 'married up', as in my husband and all his family were private schooled, my husband got a place at Oxford University and his brother at Cambridge! Needless to say they led very priveleged lives whilst I myself went to a school in 'the sticks' in West Somerset and led a very sheltereed life!!! You would think we were chalk and cheese, although I don't have a west-country accent he sounds 'dead posh, like he has a plum in his mouth', but I think that comes from being an officer in the air-force, and not his up-bringing! Everyone that meets us thinks i'm the posh one which makes me laugh. All I can say is: don't let them get to you. I move around alot and my kids do not go to private schools, I have the same problems with you at the school gate being the newby all the time. I am quite awful in that if someone tries to ignore me or snub me I make a point of going to talk to them, because it's really difficult for them not to respond! Please don't let them make you feel like they are better than you because THEY ARE NOT! They just have more money, and lets face it, you could win the lottery next weekend, that doesn't make you better than me, it just makes you very lucky!!! :)))

I do feel for you Moll3, feeling out of it anywhere is horrible. But I do think you need self-belief too. Feeling you're not good enough for them is what comes through on your post. So they've got big houses and more money, so what, it doesn't matter not really. You can still get together with them round yours lay on a a bit of cake etc, and show a genuine wish to get to know them. They're just Mums like you trying to do the best they can - they're lives are not happier or better than yours. You'll be liked for being who you are, just be friendly, caring and let your sense of humour show. Quite honestly life's too short for worrying about what you haven't got, or what people think. Be yourself and be kind to yourself. Oh and one way of speeding up the process might be to join the PTA or offer to be class rep - a good way to get to know the troops.

"I am quite awful in that if someone tries to ignore me or snub me I make a point of going to talk to them, because it's really difficult for them not to respond! "

Hmmm - interesting, I may try that one.