DS off to university but I am so disappointed

[susie4]

This should be a happy weekend for us - my youngest ds is off to university but I am having to hide the huge disappointment I feel about the way things have turned out. Some reading this will think I am ridiculous and that is why I cannot talk about it with anyone I know but I am hoping that someone will read this and understand the way I feel.
It was obvious that my ds was very clever from a young age. Teachers at his primary school would mention the word Oxford at parents evenings and that I suppose is when I started to dream. We are only ordinary parents who both left school at 16. I later returned to education but my husband's highest qualification is a grade 3 CSE. So we were always secretly proud of our son. He did extremely well at school and applied for Oxford but didn't get a place(It makes me mad to sometimes hear of Oxbridge tutors implying that they can somehow pick out the best applicants from their interview process because at my ds's school there were some very strange outcomes and they certainly didn't pick the best). Anyway after receiving his excellent a level results he announced that he would defer his place at the university he had accepted and think about reapplying to Oxford. However as the weeks progressed he slowly changed his mind about reapplying. He had an offer from his second choice university and with all the media talk about competition for places he couldn't be sure that if he withdrew and reapplied he would even get an offer from them again. The school couldn't get him to change his mind and nor could I. A second miserable christmas followed when a friend of his who had repplied did get an offer from Oxford.
So tomorrow he sets off to university but i am finding it so hard to accept what has happened as I never imagined anywhere else other than at Oxford. The university he is going to is a a good second best choice for him but it is second best. All this has spoiled the last 2 years of my life and I know I have got to get over it but I am finding it hard. Is there anyone out there who has experienced something similar and can offer any advice?

susie

I am not going to tell you you are being ridiculous but I think you should examine why you have made going to Oxford so important.
It sounds almost like a goal for you ( for him) rather than a greatthing but just one of many in the course of his life

DS1 is trying for Oxford. But he is trying for several other really good unis too. His choices one to three all represent a fantastic oppertunity to studythe subjecthe loves in a first class enviroment.

I think you have romanticised the idea of Oxford, made it the symbol that will tell you that you have done a good job and he is successful.
It isn't.

Where is he going. I bet he has a good 2nd option which will give him all he needs to move on.
I think he is showing his good sense in accpeting a good offer ratherthan waiting a year for another possible disappointment

Which uni has he accepted?

Most importantly has your DS got over the fact he's not going to Oxford? He sounds like he has and that he's made a sensible decision to go with his second choice.

I'm guessing its still a good uni that he'll be going to. He will soon be so caught up in the excitement of uni life and the hard work of his degree that I'm sure Oxford will soon be at the back of his mind.

I think that sometimes you have to tell yourself that things happen for a reason even if you don't know what that reason is. Oxford isn't the bext place for every student and there is no way of telling he'd have been happy/got on if he had got a place there.

I was miffed about being turned down by Oxford (especially as they said if I'd applied to do German instead of German & French I'd have been accepted - I'd already been offered a choral scholarship too.

Spent my gap year slightly miffed about going to my second choice uni, but in my first year there I met my now DH, who worked at the university, so if things had gone differently and I'd got what I thought I wanted, I wouldn't have my fab DH and gorgeous kids now.

I'm sure your DS will have a wonderful time at his second choice uni. Cheer up.

I think that Oxford can be an extremely tough environment for people from comprehensive schools. Not because they are not clever enough but because the social class difference is really obvious and it's impossible to automatically fit in - even if you want to.

I didn't get in to Oxford and went to a comprehensive so I have to admit to having a teeny chip on my shoulder about it but I remember the interview as the worst experience of my life. All the other applicants seemed to have some secret knowledge or self confidence that I didn't and couldn't have. In retrospect I didn't get in because I answeres some questions really stupidly but I think I was pretty much a gibbering wreck by the time I got into the interview!

If your son is happy with his second choice, and it's a good university, I think you should be glad he's able to put it behind him and happy that he will - in all likelihood - have a much better time at the other University and meet a much wider range of people.

My advice is GET OVER IT

Your son is healthy, bright and heading off for a big step in his future. You need to be 110% behind him - saying how great he is, how much you love him.

The world is full of Oxbridge rejects (polishes own badge, buffs up dh's and get's best friend's out of storage) We all turned out fine and in many ways NOot going to Oxford opens lots of doors iyswim.

Where is he going and what is he doing - tell us about that?

which uni is he going to? all the russel group universities are equal to the hallowed halls of Oxford

and what will he be reading?

he can always do post-grad work at oxbridge you know

I hope you're a good actress too

Oxford really isn't the best thing for everyone - and I speak as someone who spent 10 years there! But looking back from this point in my life I think that I would have been much much happier elsewhere, and just as academically successful. Wherever he is, isn't second best, it's just a different choice - there's a lot of media hype, and he is quite likely to be much better taught elsewhere

I think if your DS is now reconciled to the choice he has made, you must only show him your full support and never a hint of disappointment. My DD is now hoping to go to university next year as she had to change to another course after doing badly in her A/S levels. It was the most terrible disappointment, she was a very bright toddler, spoke early and learned to read early at a very high level. Her GCSE results were a little disappointing to begin with and we had to forget all her dreams of veterinary or human medicine even on that basis. I think she lost her way after that, as everything she wanted to do seemed closed to her, now however she is positive and lookiing forward to university next year. I am sure he will come to be happy in his choices as long as he feels that you are happy for him, I know that is really hard, but our dreams are not for them to fulfil. I think I invested a lot of hope in DD as I made a similar choice to your DS in deciding not to wait and try again the next year but to accept a lower offer and that in hindsight was unfair, their lives are their own to live. I don't think now that I regret what I chose, and I am sure your DS won't either, I hope he enjoys university and you can come to terms with the choices he has made as well.

"It makes me mad to sometimes hear of Oxbridge tutors implying that they can somehow pick out the best applicants from their interview process because at my ds's school there were some very strange outcomes and they certainly didn't pick the best"

So you think you can pick the students who are best suited to the courses they are applying for? Better than people whose job it is to do so?

Your DS sounds very sensible - he is going to a good university and getting on with his life. He will most likely have a great time.

I would ask what course/uni is he going to. Some other unis' are equalt to/better in the teaching depending on the course.

I also think uni is about life experience as much as academic, and another uni may be a better teaching ground for that.

I turned down Oxford. I didn't like the town or the 'feel' of the university. I think my mum and gran (especially my gran!) were quite disappointed, looking back.

The point is, I made my own choice about where to go and it worked out well. I got a good degree from a good university and made a good career for myself (slightly cocked up by having kids, but that's irrelevant here ).

Be happy for your son. Be proud you have a not only incredibly bright boy, but one who knows his own mind. Paint a smile on your face and (sorry, but...) get over it!

susie4 - I had a handyman round today to put some shelves up in my DSSs' room. As the shelves were rather complicated and we needed to work out how we were going to place them, I (jokingly) asked him whether he was good at geometry. To which he replied, "I have a maths degree from Oxford, believe it or not."

Oxford is not the be all and end all, nor does it necessarily lead to your DC to great things.

As a university teacher myself, can I just make a few points:

a) do you know that Oxford is the best place for this particular course? Courses are taught by individuals, Oxford don't have the best of absolutely everything.

b) do you know that your ds did a better interview than his friends who got places?

tbh even at the far less prestigious university I teach at, we didn't take on a single student who didn't have all As last year in my department, so the interview is very important to distinguish between the ones that are just bright (all As) and the ones that would be likely to do well on this course/have a special interest which matches our research interests/have already done extra reading or voluntary work that deepens their understanding of the subject

c) do you know that the rather special teaching style at Oxford (short terms, lots of independent work) would suit him better than the more lecture based teaching at other universities)?

another Oxbridge reject here - honestly, you couldn't move anywhere in Bristol without knocking over half a dozen more ....

Like twolittlemonkeys I was miffed as I'd been considered a dead cert at school (and I'd got a choral scholarship too)

Same at York - I think ALL our circle of friends had been rejected apart from one bloke who was too clever to apply. Honestly - he looked at them and decided he didn't fit and never would.

I can understand why you're disappointed but please don't let your son see how you feel as he will think he has failed you.

Your DS may have been good enough to get in but there are lots of people good enough to warrant a place but they then pick the best from amongst that. One thing to bear in mind re who gets in and who doesn't is that each of the candidates from his school weren't interviewing against each other, they were interviewing against 20 other people.

I was also "tipped" to go to Oxbridge throughout school, and my lovely Dad was so excited for me. I got an offer from Cambridge, but dropped a grade at A-level and ended up at Edinburgh.

Best. Result. Ever.

I now know that Cambridge would not have suited my personality or learning style at all (I worked in one of the Oxford Colleges a few years later, so had the opportunity to observe the teaching close up).

My only "regret" was the nagging feeling that I'd let my Dad down a bit. My only suggestions to you would be to make sure that you never let on that you feel disappointed in any way., and move on :)

"I think that Oxford can be an extremely tough environment for people from comprehensive schools. Not because they are not clever enough but because the social class difference is really obvious and it's impossible to automatically fit in - even if you want to."

Sorry but I really have to disagree with this. I note that the person who posted it didn't even go to Oxford (and admits to having a chip on shoulder about that). There are plenty of people from comprehensives at Oxford - more in fact than at many other universities (eg St Andrews, Exeter, Bristol which are filled with public schoolers). And even if there weren't - it is possible to get on with people who went to a different type of school you know! I went to Oxford, and have a very close group of friends from there which includes comprehensive schoolers, grammar schoolers, private day schoolers, public schoolers... you name it.

Anyway. Back to the OP.

Oxford really is NOT the be all and end all. It has plenty of downsides. Lots of independent work and comparatively little teaching; heavy workload so less time for extra curricular activities; degree outcome almost entirely dependent on Finals (eek), little or no coursework; not the most modern approach to many subjects; quite a lot of weirdos as students (!); and so on.

Oh, and I really don't think Oxbridge vs Russell Group makes much if any difference from a job point of view.

Applications to Oxford are, in many ways, a lottery. There are more qualified applicants than places. They have to choose somehow. It is often just sheer luck. Your son was unlucky.

Well you're entitled to your opinion, but I know a couple of people who had nervous breakdowns because of the atmosphere at Oxford and Cambridge respectively (perhaps those were the 'weirdos' you talk about.

And I was describing my own experience. Notice I said 'can be' not 'is'.

My University had plenty of people from various schools too, but it just didn't have that air of entitlement.

OP, I am in a position which is not disimilar to yours. DS2 is starting at a great Uni in a few days time but was rejected from Oxford after interview. He was predicted to get 4 x A for his A levels but in fact got 2 A and 2 A. His GCSEs were all A*. He was at a private school but on a half-scholarship. At 11 he came top in the scholarship exam out of 450 children (for 50 places). He's also a lovely boy (of course I'm biased) and we imagined he would come over pretty well at interview.

He's well over it now but I was really devastated that he didn't get an offer as I really thought he would (and so did everyone else). Such is life (but I'm never visiting Oxford again)! However, he does say that he might try to do a Masters at Oxford so maybe that will happen. I still feel rather but I suppose I'll get over it in a decade or two. I'm not cross with him at all.

When you apply to Oxford or Cambridge you have to accept that it is more likely that you won't get in than that you will. Being rejected by anyone or anywhere is hard but that's what you have to face when you apply to somewhere so competitive and facing that and moving on is probably not a bad life lesson. Your son will face other disappointments in life too but he's done so well even to be in a position to apply.

I think that your son has made the best and possibly the most important choice he could make. He has shown a maturity of vision in realising that he will be better off not going to Oxford, which I hope will be proved to be absolutely the right decision in the years to come.
Be proud for him. Just look forward to the day in 3 /4 years time when he will be walking up onto a stage and receiving his degree. That is just the next stepping stone for him in becoming the son you will be always proud of.

Ds2 looked at Cambridge, decided it wasn't for him (he could have applied - his teachers all thought he had a very good chance). He has had a fantastic gap year and has started a course at another very good university and I know he will love it and do well.

It is his life, and his choice.

Your Ds will be fine, but he needs your support. Don't pile your own regrets on him.

Oh I agree plantsitter that Oxford is a hugely pressured place, often not in a good way. (Another downside to add to my list above). But I don't think that's due to background/class differences as you suggest.

(Weirdos... well that was a bad choice of word, what I really meant is students who don't socialise at all, which means that the social pool is reduced for other students... a downside if you are sociable and are considering where to go to uni).

Your second paragraph is about your own interview experience but your first paragraph talks in a very general way.

The problem is that there is a history of children from comprehensives/less advantaged backgrounds being put off going to Oxbridge because they presume there will be no-one like them and they won't fit in. Of course if that continues it is a self fulfilling prophecy as no-one in those categories even applies. So I did think it was important to say that Oxford isn't, IME, generally like that (even if your interview experience was like that, which is a great shame).

OP please don't fixate on Oxford. You don't say anything about which subject your DS is doing, but really there is an awful lot of snobbery entailed in the assumption that Oxbridge is always the best.

It is a great place (I went there as a comp person and I disagree with the idea that social class makes it a difficult place for socially unprivileged people, though academic intesnsity makes it tough). But it is just one place. Academic and social reasons might easily make another place a better choice.