DS off to university but I am so disappointed

[susie4]

This should be a happy weekend for us - my youngest ds is off to university but I am having to hide the huge disappointment I feel about the way things have turned out. Some reading this will think I am ridiculous and that is why I cannot talk about it with anyone I know but I am hoping that someone will read this and understand the way I feel.
It was obvious that my ds was very clever from a young age. Teachers at his primary school would mention the word Oxford at parents evenings and that I suppose is when I started to dream. We are only ordinary parents who both left school at 16. I later returned to education but my husband's highest qualification is a grade 3 CSE. So we were always secretly proud of our son. He did extremely well at school and applied for Oxford but didn't get a place(It makes me mad to sometimes hear of Oxbridge tutors implying that they can somehow pick out the best applicants from their interview process because at my ds's school there were some very strange outcomes and they certainly didn't pick the best). Anyway after receiving his excellent a level results he announced that he would defer his place at the university he had accepted and think about reapplying to Oxford. However as the weeks progressed he slowly changed his mind about reapplying. He had an offer from his second choice university and with all the media talk about competition for places he couldn't be sure that if he withdrew and reapplied he would even get an offer from them again. The school couldn't get him to change his mind and nor could I. A second miserable christmas followed when a friend of his who had repplied did get an offer from Oxford.
So tomorrow he sets off to university but i am finding it so hard to accept what has happened as I never imagined anywhere else other than at Oxford. The university he is going to is a a good second best choice for him but it is second best. All this has spoiled the last 2 years of my life and I know I have got to get over it but I am finding it hard. Is there anyone out there who has experienced something similar and can offer any advice?

Your sons an adult OP let him make his own choices not yours.

Oxford can be absolutely horrible for people (especially those from comprehensive schools). Your son will probably have a much better experience - and an equally good education - elsewhere.

Yes I can see, Minipie, that you wouldn't want to discourage people from comprehensive school from applying.

I suppose what I was (perhaps rather clumsily) saying was it's not always the easiest or best place to be for people who've been brought up outside of the Oxbridge 'circle' and are a bit shocked when they discover that people with such self-assurance and seeming secret knowledge exist. And my memories are from the perspective of a 17 yr old from a Northern comprehensive - presumably now I would be fine in that environment.

Really I was just trying to say that if the OP's son has made his decision, he is not necessarily worse off than he would be if he'd decided to go to Oxford.

Not quite the same thing but I did a lot worse in my a levels than predicted and lost my uni place. I went through clearing and I can hand on heart say it was the best thing that ever happened to me . I understand your disappointment but I am sure your son knows that this is his best course of action

I didn't go to Oxford and know people who did - I went to a good second choice uni instead, and I had a better time than them and was encouraged to learn more and think for myself. I wasn't scared of joining societies by the posh people there and I didn't spend every day working or making myself sick over working, yet still had plenty of work to do.

Support your son, and don't be 'secretly' proud of him, be openly proud of him.

I went to Oxbridge (being deliberately vague), to a modernish less prestigious college, and enjoyed it (I was teetering on weirdo-dom I must admit ). From my experience it is perfectly possible for someone from a socially disadvantaged background to have a good time there.

But I do agree with Cory and others - Oxford isn't always the best course in a subject, and some people don't enjoy the teaching methods. Also applying to provincial professional services firms, Oxbridge was a slight disadvantage - you were stereotyped as being insufficiently practical/commercially minded

I'd agree with what's been said on this thread already.

I went to Cambridge, I had a lovely time in many ways and don't regret going - my friends came from all walks of life (mainly our families were pretty badly off, though I did have a princess in my circle of friends), and there was far less snobbery about material possessions or pressure to spend than I had found at my school in inner city Manchester, where you really were expected to spend money on the latest clothes and going out getting drunk. If anyone is reading this who thinks that their child shouldn't apply to Oxford or Cambridge because they won't fit in, please don't believe it without them going to visit themselves. 17 / 18 / 19 year olds are great at putting on that facade of confidence, whether they're in Manchester town centre on a Friday night, or sitting in a Cambridge interview room.

However, I'm confident that if I'd gone to another University, I would have had just as good a time, with just as wide a circle of friends (even the princess went on to another non-Russel group university post-Oxbridge). The root of the word 'education' is 'to draw out' - education is a drawing out of the person, not a putting in of external values. Your DS will be the same great lad he would have been at Oxford.

And if he continues to enjoy his studies and goes on to do a PhD and even a post-Doc, maybe he'll find himself at Oxford in the end - but it wont' be the be-all and end-all then either.

What a load of bollocks- hundreds of students from comprehensives do brilliantly at Oxbridge every single year. I read law at Cambridge as a girl from a socially deprived northern town and state school, did well, had a blast, made friends from all walks of life, and relished the opportunity.

But it's not the be and end all of academic success. You've got to let the dream go for the sake of your son, OP. It sounds like it was your dream much more than your son's.

"Your DS will be the same great lad he would have been at Oxford."

Aww. That's lovely (and true!)

One of the issues here is that A levels are not necessarily the best preparation for University, and everyone knows this, it's just that Oxbridge tutors have so much choice of applicants, they're basically able to set all the standards the rest of us would like to be able to!

The interviewing they do is designed to pick those who have brilliant A levels AND survived the system with their thinking (as opposed to their memorising/learning/being tested) skills intact. Only very recently are A levels moving a teeny bit closer to what universities want.

I know this sounds a bit direct and hopefully not rude to your DS but when they can pick and choose candidates, they are looking for so much more than being bright, having excellent results etc.. I wish we could pick and choose our candidates like this but we don't have the resources to do so.

I think you've focussed on Oxford as an ideal, rather than a reality. There's no doubting it's a good university, but it's not the best for every subject, and it's also not suited to every student. I got an offer for Cambridge, but missed the grades a little, and ended up going to Glasgow. Having now done a PhD, and knowing the academic world for my subject better, I've realised that for my particular little niche I could not have picked a better university - certainly Oxford or Cambridge would not have been as good.

tbh, I think Oxford and Cambridge are often massively over-romanticised, by the media, prospective students and particularly parents - you picture your child cycling to lectures in a stripy scarf, studying in wood panelled halls, etc etc - and it's all very pretty, but it's not really what university is about. And if you are disappointed about not being able to say "my son is at Oxford" - well, focus more on just your son, on who he is, on how kind he is, on how he makes the people around him feel, on what he may do to make the world a better place. Because those are the things that Actually Matter, in the end.

I went to Oxford as a graduate student and had a great time. If he really is bright there is still time to get there and undergraduate life at Oxbridge isn't for everyone.

OP to you it's 2nd best. But to him it's what he wanted and he doesn't have to go to Oxford to do well, Just be happy for him and let him get on with his next big step in life.

You mustn't let your sense of disappointment burst your DS's bubble at leaving home and exploring the world

Sorry, I haven't read all the posts but as a teenager I got offered a place at Oxford but turned it down for financial reasons and because I felt uncomfortable with the students there. Their background was so different from mine that I simptly could not be bothered to try and fit in. I am perfectly happy and I'm sure that your son will be.

I completely agree with WilfShelf's post.
In the interviews they are looking for students who 'fit' in the system. You have to - have to - show that you have a particular kind of brain and personality that'll be able to cope with their teaching system. Everyone at interview has straight A potential, but not everyone has the same way of communicating and developing ideas.
I think it is honestly massively more fun anyway at postgraduate level.
I hope your son has a great time where he is going; university is a really intense time at that age and I found it a great thrill.

I can understand your feelings as DS had a place at Cambridge but turned it down in favour of a London RG Uni.

We were a bit surprised but he said he preferred the course in London and, in fact, he's just graduated and got a place in a highly competitive training field.

I'm sure your DS will enjoy his time at Uni and you'll back him all the way to succeed.

Totally agree with most of the previous posts. I went to Cambridge, DP to Oxford.

They are just universities. Now, in the working world, I realise that Oxbridge students are among some of the least-prepared for 'ordinary' life. They are unable to take term-time jobs, and frequently use their highly academic brains in ways that simply aren't commercial.

Sure, it sounds like an ideal place to go but I only went punting three times, and soon enough you stop admiring your surroundings and start worrying about the three essays you have to hand in and how the hell you';re going to learn middle English in a month.

If I had my time again, I'd definitely go back, but can totally see the merits of going to a London university, or perhaps not spending my life on a rollercoaster of work/sleep/booze in which work seemed to encroach on the other two areas 90% of the time.

They are just universities, and by suggesting to your son that he has failed by not going there, you're doing him a disservice.

You are lucky that is all you have to worry about

Oxbridge is not the be all and end all. I was bitterly disappointed to be turned down by Cambridge. However, 21 years on I am really glad I went to London instead. Within my industry Cambridge graduates have a really bad reputation and my business partner do not even interview Cambridge graduates any more - we did try one it was a disaster the reputation was justified. Consequently within our industry Cambridge graduates never end up in the best jobs.

Another Oxford reject here. It was very disappointing at the time as all my teachers had told me I'd get in and to top it all my boy friend got in to Cambridge in the same year.

However I went to a Russell Group uni, had a fantastic time and I think I can safely say I've turned out alright.

My father applied to Oxford but family legend says he turned up very drunk to the interview and didn't get an offer (I did the same at Leeds but did get an offer LOL)

Your son will be fine. Be proud of him he deserves it

susie4 - your DS is an adult and he has made his choice. Maybe in his heart of hearts he knew it wasn't for him. My BIL applied. He could have got in but he just bottled when he got to the interview.

He went to a Stoke Poly in the end and is a truck driver now. All his choices. He is happy.

Me and DW were at Oxford and some people just went off the rails. It is not for everyone - the pressure and lifestyle is unlike anything I have experienced before or since.

plants, I think you're very wrong.

OP, I didn't go to Oxford as an undergraduate and my parents wanted me to. I did go as a postgrad and am so glad I wasn't there before! Although it was great, I looked at the undergraduate course and shuddered - it would have been so wrong for me, and for the type of person I was. I'm posting because I really don't have a chip on my shoulder, nor was I rejected, but I do feel so glad I didn't end up doing an undergraduate degree there. So it isn't the unattainable dream for everyone, and perhaps not for your son, since he's decided not to reapply?

I am sorry, and I am not usually this harsh - maybe it's because I am very heavily pregnant and deeply hormonal - but really, I am finding it hard to have much sympathy for you at all. I think you a) need to stop fixating on Oxford - just let it go - and b) (deeply unfashionable sentiment, this) consider the real misfortune some people have to face in their lives, and get things in perspective. There, I said it.

Also, please consider the impact of putting so much pressure on your son to achieve what is clear is primarily your dream. Your son will flourish best if you know he has your support to do what he wants to do in life.

Why don't you set about doing access exams and think about going to oxford yourself, once the kids have left home? It's not a totally mad idea!

Susie - I'm so sorry you feel this way and can't talk to people in RL .
I can understand why you're upset ( though I'm completely sure thay your DS will have a great time and be fine )you wanted something for your son ,and through no fault of his ,he's not got it .
Also it must be an incredibly emotional time .
Personally I know when I'm going through stuff I have a tendency to focus on one thing ,not the main thing that's causing me grief ( sure there's a fancy name for it ) ,could there be a bit of that going on ?
Anyway big hugs ,and be nice to yourself - your son will do great .