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DS off to university but I am so disappointed

106 replies

susie4 · 24/09/2010 17:38

This should be a happy weekend for us - my youngest ds is off to university but I am having to hide the huge disappointment I feel about the way things have turned out. Some reading this will think I am ridiculous and that is why I cannot talk about it with anyone I know but I am hoping that someone will read this and understand the way I feel.
It was obvious that my ds was very clever from a young age. Teachers at his primary school would mention the word Oxford at parents evenings and that I suppose is when I started to dream. We are only ordinary parents who both left school at 16. I later returned to education but my husband's highest qualification is a grade 3 CSE. So we were always secretly proud of our son. He did extremely well at school and applied for Oxford but didn't get a place(It makes me mad to sometimes hear of Oxbridge tutors implying that they can somehow pick out the best applicants from their interview process because at my ds's school there were some very strange outcomes and they certainly didn't pick the best). Anyway after receiving his excellent a level results he announced that he would defer his place at the university he had accepted and think about reapplying to Oxford. However as the weeks progressed he slowly changed his mind about reapplying. He had an offer from his second choice university and with all the media talk about competition for places he couldn't be sure that if he withdrew and reapplied he would even get an offer from them again. The school couldn't get him to change his mind and nor could I. A second miserable christmas followed when a friend of his who had repplied did get an offer from Oxford.
So tomorrow he sets off to university but i am finding it so hard to accept what has happened as I never imagined anywhere else other than at Oxford. The university he is going to is a a good second best choice for him but it is second best. All this has spoiled the last 2 years of my life and I know I have got to get over it but I am finding it hard. Is there anyone out there who has experienced something similar and can offer any advice?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 28/09/2010 08:03

Op posted this last friday and not, as far as I can see, been back.

GooseyLoosey · 28/09/2010 08:10

susie4 - I understand where you are coming from. No one in my family had ever been to university before and I went to Oxford. It was the proudest day of my mother's life. Although she never said, I think she would have regarded anything else as second best.

I can honestly say that I was not happy there at all. I am a shy person who was totally overwhelmed by the place. When I was going my finals - other students in college were running sweepstakes on who would get a first, the pressure was overwhelming. My mother was aware of this and felt terrible that she might in some way have pressured me to go there - she had not, but I don't think that lessened her feelings of guilt at the time.

What I am trying to say is that although Oxford has an image that you fell in love with, and I think that the image is real, there is also a much darker side. Depending on who you are, it can be a very unpleasant place to be.

gramercy · 28/09/2010 10:00

I can understand the OP and in some ways it's quite instructional.

Ds is very clever and people are mumbling about Oxbridge.

Dh was not allowed to sit the entrance exam by his parents ("local university good enough; not paying for you to ponce around there") in spite of the headteacher going round to see them, and I was asked to apply but couldn't face doing the extra reading (the idiocy of youth...).

On a recent trip to Oxford the weather was beautiful. the colleges looked lovely, the students looked, well, studenty on their bicycles and all in all I knew I'd cut my right arm off to get ds there.

But other posters are right - that's my ambition. And it's thousands of other parents' ambition too.

Sometimes there's a bit of a fudge between supporting our children and wanting the best for them, and living our dreams through them.

civil · 28/09/2010 16:49

plantsitter - over half the students at Cambridge went to state schools, so it's not that difficult to fit in.

I studied at Cambridge and there were 10 of us at our college doing our subject. Five of us had been to comprehensive schools, two had been to state grammars, one had been educated privately and the other two were overseas students. Half had strong regional accents.

If anyone listened to the Sutton Trust guy on the radio today, you will have heard that state school pupils often self-select themselves out of going to Oxbridge.

This is wrong because it's such fun (although and awful lot of hardwork)

Also, Cambridge is so difficult that you can't get by just by being posh! The workload is a great leveller and will remove any airs and graces from the wealthier students who will struggle as much as poorer students.

civil · 28/09/2010 16:54

As an aside, having studied at Cambridge and done well, I'm not sure I would necessarily want my dds to go. It is hardwork, and you have to want to do that work. You then feel you have to do something with that degree.

As I work away at my 'difficult' job I actually wish I was more like the mums at school and knew how to live comfortably in a council house with a much lower income!

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 28/09/2010 17:01

Just support your son in his decision - it is probably the right one. He is right, there is no guarantee that he would get in if he reapplyied. Also, at least his fees are guaranteed at this years levels - who knows what loan you will need for Oxbridge in eyars to come.

Maybe he can do a Masters at Oxford if you/he are so desperate to have Oxford on his CV......

woahwoah · 28/09/2010 18:03

I think I agree with civil.

I went to Cambridge from a comprehensive school, had a great time in many ways, but also found it really hard work, and quite scary in that I always felt I was failing (I wasn't, I did quite well, but it felt as though I was climbing a huge mountain all the time.) I have spent the years since wondering if I have wasted my education. I was a SAHM for years, and am now a primary school teacher - I find this stressful and challenging, perhaps because I want to do it really well. Would I be happier in an easier job? And people look down on teachers anyway!

That maybe sounds a bit negative BUT, my DD is starting at Cambridge this weekend! She went to a comprehensive school too, knows I had mixed feelings about the whole experience, but she is different from me - more confident, more driven, and most of all she wants to do this.

So, on Saturday I will be leaving her there, trying to smile, and hoping she loves it.

So to the original OP - I think sometimes our wishes get in the way of what our children want. If your son is happy, you will be too, so support him and try really hard not to look disappointed!

susie4 · 30/09/2010 11:59

Thank you all for your messages which I have only just read. I have had a busy week but in truth I was scared to look in case alot of people were saying I was a bad mother.

The reason I posted last week was because I was looking for reassurance that I was not the only person in the world who felt like I do. If I told people I know about how I feel I am sure i would receive the sort of comments that some of you have made (trying to live life through son etc). My dh does understand how I feel but now refuses to talk about it anymore. I think some of you understand and have made made comments which I think are meant to reassure me. My son is going to a good London University and I don't belive that not goiong to Oxford will affect his future career.
I know I will just have to cope with my disappointment and feeling of injustice but I think it is going to take a long time.

pippop1 I will also never go to Oxford again! I know this might sound childish but hardly a day goes by without hearing or reading about Oxford or Cambridge University - I constantly feel I want to turn off the TV or put down a book I am reading. mY dd has also talked about going there to do a postgrad course but I think this is maybe the initial reaction of many disappointed students and he may not feel like this in 3 years time or have done well enough to apply.

narmada ' This had crossed my mind but I will (unfortunately)never be able to afford to do it!

gingeroots Thanks for your kind comment

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 30/09/2010 12:04

susie
My ds got into his insurance, although he had the 'points' his grades weren't enough to get into his first choice - not Oxbridge, but well respected uni. He is now starting to settle in happily at uni - RG so good standard - and I refuse to even think about his first choice. If I did, I might become well hacked off about it. So maybe your DH is right, forget the talking etc. etc., and totally focus on what is happening, in the hope that you can even con yourself. Smile

violethill · 30/09/2010 13:12

As others have said, this is more about your aspirations rather than your ds.

He will be fine. He's clever, is off to a good University, and will be successful. He's not missing out! What is it that's missing in your life to make you fixate on this one goal, which isn't your goal anyway, it's someone else's life?

Sorry to sound harsh, but I think pinning one's own very specific aspirations on a child is unfair. It isn't the end of the world to not get into Oxbridge. Only a handful of people world wide are ever going to get in. There are millions of highly intelligent people who don't - some who apply and don't get in, and many more who don't even apply in the first place. And yes, although generally Oxbridge are damn good at sorting out who the really intelligent people are, I'm sure they slip up sometimes, and some will get through who aren't the smartest.

You're building too much on one very specific, idealised thing. Punting, spires, undergraduates cycling around... sounds idyllic, but it's not always like that; and there's a life beyond it anyway, in fact most of one's life is going to take place after leaving, and the success and happiness of that is going to be dependent on a lot more than just what happens for those 3 years. I know a number of oxbridge graduates who aren't living particularly happy lives, or even in particularly interesting jobs. Equally, I know people who are hugely successful with a degree from elsewhere, or no degree at all.

Move on!

houseproject · 30/09/2010 18:20

I had a similar situation - my dd applied to cambridge and was pooled (those extra days were anxious) however eventualy she didn't get an offer but I lovely email that highlighted she was of cambridge calibre but with only 1 place at the college another candidate was viewed as being more suitable. We (more I) debated the 'take a year out and reapply' however she decided she would be happy at another Russell Group Uni. I was more disappointed than her - fact so I can relate to your feelings! I do believe however that the admissions people know who they are looking for. It isn't about the brightest, or most capable just who would suit the environment. When her friend got an offer for Cambridge she was invited to a celebration and it once again raised the feelings but I'm glad to say that I have got over those feelings. I took my dd to uni last week and I know she will have a great time. She is so happy and that is what is important. Trust that it's likely to have been the right decision for him and I'm sure you're proud of your capable lad.

Minda · 30/09/2010 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 30/09/2010 19:25

When I was at Oxford as a post grad, one of my colleagues had gone to a polytechnic but had done so well, and got such a good first she got a place at Oxford. For both of us it was much better being there as post grads.

For some subjects certain London Universities are better (and I'm sue the same is true of Cambridge).

You do need to forgive Oxford not accepting your son.

piscesmoon · 30/09/2010 19:41

It is sad when your dreams don't transpire but it was your dream. You must respond to the DC you have and not the one that you want. He is quite possibly much better off in London, rejoice for him and never let him know that you thought it second best.
Are you sure that it isn't the reflected glory you want and the graduation photo on the wall? I admit to wanting the graduation photo on the wall, but DS went straight off abroad and we didn't get to a ceremony-we had to accept it was his choice.

hotspot · 02/10/2010 10:00

Two friends of mine with 20yr old kids, both "Oxbridge rejects" from private schools, ended up at UCL to read Geography and already snapped up by City banks offering £50K+bonuses conditional on 2:1. Forget Oxbridge, your son is probably going to a Russell group uni and will finish with a 2:1 (tough to get at Oxford) and will probably be all the more confident at the end. One friend whose son IS at Oxford said a lot of kids come in thinking they are the best of the best and take a lot of painful adjusting to the fact there are many, a lot better.

mrsdennisleary · 02/10/2010 19:22

Fixations on Oxford can be dangerous. See Jude the Obscure for further info.

piscesmoon · 02/10/2010 21:33

It sounds to me as if your DS didn't want to go anyway, if you and the school couldn't change his mind. It was a shame really that they mentioned Oxford at primary school because it gave you a goal that probably was not for him. My father had a particular esablishment in mind-I didn't apply and luckily he just accepted it, without any pressure or projecting disappointment onto me.

NonnoMum · 02/10/2010 21:38

My experience of Oxbridge was loud, over-confident knobsboys who would love nothing better than a good ol' food fight, and high maintenance girls with eating disorders.

maktaitai · 02/10/2010 21:53

Went to Cambridge. Had a good time. Would have done MUCH better to go to my insurance choice, as proved to me now that I am doing a second degree at a different university. I think your ds has already shown character to go for the route that works for him, instead of chasing a status route.

ornamentalcabbage · 03/10/2010 01:28

I did a postgrad degree at Cambridge after a RG first degree. It worked for me. Your DS could still go to Oxford later on if he really wanted to, as a postgrad.

Mendip · 08/04/2011 02:12

Months late but have just read this as spent day going round Cambridge with my Sixth Former daughter. We've had many a lively discussion on the theme of this post. Me ? Very bright, working class, bad family, managed to get to to good uni but not Oxbridge. Worked with loads of people who went there. My daughter's father ? Useless, fucked up, failure, but went to Oxford which I'm sure is one of the reasons I picked him! Everyone knows it doesn't suit everybody, can't live through your kids, other places often better, etc etc etc. But it's not about sense is it? It's visceral and primitive. Envy, Resentment, Rage, Injustice, Privelige, Missed Opportunities, every slight we've ever felt,The Life We Feel we Should Have Led, all wrapped up in a postcard of gleaming spires and punting. So sense will just go in one ear and out..No lady you will never get over it. It might be a good idea if you kept that from your son as much as is humanly possible but if he's as clever as you reckon he knows it. He'll just roll his eyes and say ' that's my mother mad thing.' Gosh is that the time !!

Lampblack · 24/07/2012 19:38

In response to Plantsitter, I would like to say that it is not true that there is as much class difference as you say at Oxford. Over half the students there are from Comprehensives.
"Oxford is on course to have the highest ever proportion of state school pupils in its undergraduate intake this autumn, publishing figures on Friday showing that just 41.5% of offers were made to private school candidates." (The Guardian 11 March 2011)

Of those who do come from private schools, many of which will be city day schools, a good many may have had scholarships or bursaries at their private school, or come from families whose incomes are by no means as high as might be imagined. They are not simply "upper class". Moreover, once there, Oxford gives substantial financial help to students from families on low incomes, to the extent that those students might be better off than many students from higher paid professional families in the middle income bracket.

The interview must indeed be terrifying, and it is a great shame you suffered as you did; but, in general, tutors try to help draw out pupils from comprehensives during the interview. I am not a university tutor at Oxford but have known several personally who have talked about this.

To susie4 who is disappointed her son has not gone there, it is understandable that you feel disappointed, but remember that so many people in the same position as your son, who go on to other good universities, get on wonderfully well and truly thrive in them. Encourage your child no matter what and do not show your disappointment. There is simply not enough room at Oxford for every clever child - think of medical students, for example. Everyone who applies will have the similar abilities, but only something like one in twenty can have a place.

Coconutty · 24/07/2012 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fivecandles · 24/07/2012 19:53

Just wondering why this thread has been resurrected from 2 years ago Confused

mirry2 · 24/07/2012 19:54

You will have to get over it. Oxford is not the be all and end all. As someone who went there and has taought there I can say that it doesn't always live up to expectations and aspirations.
I also take issue with the view that it is class ridden. It just isn't. There are far more state educated students than private.