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Education

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Original poster

sending one sibling to private school

60 replies

marymary1 · 21/09/2010 12:27

I have 3 girls, 2 from previous marraige and 1 with new DH, whom he now wishes to send to private school whilst the other 2 stay at state school. I am against this as i dont want to favour one child over the others, he is adamant that he wants his own DD to go private. I am v worried about the resentment that may build between the children also how my other 2 girls will view me. Has anyone else been through this situation or can advise me how to limit the damage that this may cause.
I am new to mums net and hope someone has some good advise out there!!

OP posts:

ramonaquimby · 21/09/2010 12:28

oh you cannot cannot send child with new dh to a private school and the other 2 to a state school. you know this tho right??

GooseyLoosey · 21/09/2010 12:30

A have a friend whose 2 siblings went to private school and he did not. He is over 30 now and the resentment that this caused has ruined his relationship with his sibs, his parents and had a generally detrimental effect on his whole life.

ramonaquimby · 21/09/2010 12:31

yes - dh went to private secondary (on scholarship tho) and no other siblings went, resentment is still here 25 years later - it's awful

Original poster

marymary1 · 21/09/2010 12:39

I know you are right, but how do i make him understand this. I have told him that this will split what has been a v happy family unit for the last 7 years. He just keeps arguing that he doesnt want to deny his own dd the opportunity just because my Ex cant afford to send the other 2 girls... I know the resentment this will cause as I was the daughter who went to state whilst my bro went private. I cant believe history is about to repeat its self and i feel powerless to stop it.

OP posts:

minipie · 21/09/2010 12:40

You are right, he is wrong.

Does he generally think it's ok to treat his DD differently to his DSDs, or is it just on schooling?

FingonTheValiant · 21/09/2010 12:41

My brother was sent to private school and I wasn't. We both loved sport - he got access to all the fantastic facilities, clubs and trips and I didn't, which I'm still annoyed about. He was bone idle, got taught in tiny classes, and still did worse in all his exams, but got loads of praise and rewards from my mum who didn't want to accept that she was wasting money on him - my father was furious and wanted him withdrawn, but the fees were paid by mum. He was piss-poorly behaved and rude to staff, threatened with suspension etc, again same situation as above.

When I went to university, my mum paid the fees for me, very generous, but never failed to tell me that as she was spending a fortune on my education I had better not let her down - cost less than 1/10th of my brother's yearly school fees (excluding the sports clubs and trips). And when I recently discussed leaving my degree (second one, for which she paid the first year of fees for me, but that's all) I got screamed at for wasting her money on an education I didn't value.

Are you starting to get a picture of the resentment this might cause?

(Sorry, that question isn't meant to sound as rude and aggressive as it does, but it's something that still hurts).

My brother also had a paid for gap year after his school recommended them for all the students.

Particularly painful - my mum recently complained about the fact that she paid half for my wedding (she was not asked to, we had saved for it, she insisted, and I mean really insisted, even transferred money into my account and then became hysterical about how ungrateful I was when I tried to give it back) - again, less than one year's worth of private school fees.

I dont actually keep a total of what my parents spend on me vs my brother (I know it looks like it) but it's bloody upsetting when they then pretend that you are equally treated, and then complain about how much they've spent on you, whilst totally ignoring a massive discrepancy.

FingonTheValiant · 21/09/2010 12:43

To be fair, I'm 25 and he's 23, so this is pretty recent history for us, I suppose it might die down.

Maybe worth pointing out to your dh - although my school did not have the sports facilities and tiny classes, it had better results than my brother's private school. Can you maybe persuade him that some state schools are better? They often can be.

FingonTheValiant · 21/09/2010 12:44

Also, sorry I X-posted with you saying that you had experienced this!

MollysChambers · 21/09/2010 12:46

Your DH is being an absolute arse. There is no justification for what he is trying to do. There are three children in your family - not his and your ex's. Or at least that's the way it should be.

QS · 21/09/2010 12:47

Your husband is setting himself up as wicked step dad.
I am surprised that your husband after 7 years does not feel that he should pay for your 2 dds private education, after all you are their mum, and he is their stepdad.
I would be very hurt at this.

Would sending 1 dd to private school in any way mean that your dds would go without some things?

How is your husbands relationship with your two girls? Does he care for them at all? Or only his own child? Has it really been happy families for 7 years?

Original poster

marymary1 · 21/09/2010 12:48

Totally with u on the resentment that this will cause. He knows how distressed I am about his, so far there has never been any difference made between any of the girls. They have all been disiplined the same like wise the same amounts of money spent on them. This is the first thing that will divide them and its tearing me apart.

OP posts:

PixieOnaLeaf · 21/09/2010 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Itsjustafleshwound · 21/09/2010 12:50

What is the age gap between the children?? Will she start at a pre-prep??

Honestly, I think you know that it isn't a good idea at all to give favourable attention to one child. Why is he so adamant that a private education is preferable to a state school one - and what does he say when you point out to him that he is doing damage to the relationship between the girls??

Original poster

marymary1 · 21/09/2010 12:58

The girls are 13, 10 and 5
We live in an area where we have a fantastic state school, my eldest is so far a straight A student. My middle is dyslexic so a private school would not benefit her, she would struggle to keep up..my dh happily pays for all the additional tutors that she needs.
He thinks that the youngest needs pushing and that private will provide this. His parents struggled so that they cud send him private, he is now at top of his ladder and thinks that his dh shud have opportunity too!
he says that eldest will do well anyway.
But he cant understand the hurt that will follow

OP posts:

MollysChambers · 21/09/2010 12:59

He thinks your youngest needs "pushing"? She's 5!

Original poster

marymary1 · 21/09/2010 13:05

YEP!! i no...
His mother is also adding to this, by making comments about how wonderful private school is and when is her dgd going to start at one!

OP posts:

elkiedee · 21/09/2010 13:05

I'm not really in favour of private ed anyway (have to declare a bias) but this seems very divisive. Also, higher education costs are going up all the time, and if your older daughters are likely to want to go into HE (dyslexic kids do too), then you'll need money for that. Better to start saving for all their HE costs now.

And I agree with MollysChambers.

sue52 · 21/09/2010 13:07

You can't do this and expect the older children not to deeply resent it. If you have a fantastic state school there is no reason to consider a private school.

PixieOnaLeaf · 21/09/2010 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

marymary1 · 21/09/2010 13:09

He has said that he will help with cost for future HE for the other 2, my ex will also help for this. so i dont think they will b denied in that area.

OP posts:

Itsjustafleshwound · 21/09/2010 13:12

Are you happy with her present school??

So his only reason for wanting to send his daughter to private school is because he wants her to be pushed academically??

Seriously, if he feels so strongly about private education, I would leave all the leg work to him - and he can come up with the reasons why he has decided on a particular school and why he thinks it is superior to the state alternative? Sounds as if he is just mouthing off the usual clap-trap people use to justify sending their children to private school..

Original poster

marymary1 · 21/09/2010 13:13

U are dead right Pixieonaleaf, he does want her to have the same experiences..he is convinced that private is better. He works in an area where all his peers send kids privately, this is very much expected of him to do same!
He has been round our local state secondary and praises it..but not for his dd

OP posts:

catherinedenerve · 21/09/2010 13:14

marymary1, this is so difficult. Are all your DDs very close in age? Are your 2 first DD settled in their school? How close are they to their father?

Your DH might only have one child but you have 3 and your youngest DD is as much your child as his. Tell him you can't send one to PS if you can't send all of them. He should have thought of that when he first shacked up with you.
I actually know quite a few families in the same situation, where the second husbands are being fair and amazing and pick up the tab for all the children, but this is really a big gesture that not everyone can afford.

Perhaps have the conversation with your ex, if you think your DDs would be better off at PV, can't he make the effort? Or could he afford half of the cost, and could you work and pay the rest?
In some schools you have a discount for 3 children.

Original poster

marymary1 · 21/09/2010 13:25

try'd that one with him, his reply was why shud his dd be denied just because he shacked with me and my ex cudn't afford private school. It was always his intention that any kids he had wud go private. we cant afford to send all 3, i stopped work so that they wudnt have to go to out of school clubs anymore. They now have full diaries with tennis, ballet,hockey, horse riding, golf.. so they are all priviliged in that respect. Cud look to go back to work but all that stops, do not no wot to do for best..

OP posts:

catherinedenerve · 21/09/2010 13:28

What about the ex?

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