sending one sibling to private school

[marymary1]

I have 3 girls, 2 from previous marraige and 1 with new DH, whom he now wishes to send to private school whilst the other 2 stay at state school. I am against this as i dont want to favour one child over the others, he is adamant that he wants his own DD to go private. I am v worried about the resentment that may build between the children also how my other 2 girls will view me. Has anyone else been through this situation or can advise me how to limit the damage that this may cause.
I am new to mums net and hope someone has some good advise out there!!

My younger sister went to private primary and my elder sister and I didn't - she was being horribly bullied and was painfully shy and needed to be out of that situation. She went to a tiny independent school near our new house (we'd moved as well so she was having long drive to old school) - and that was fine. No resentment at all from us - why would there be? We'd been fine at the primary.

My sister and i went through the state school system, primary, middle and then grammar school. My brother (the youngest) was sent to boarding school at 9 on the suggestion of his state school primary teacher as he was so lazy, that his primary teacher thought he could do with the discipline!

When DB was 13 he was given the choice of either going on to public school (boarding) or coming back home to go to the local grammar - he chose the grammar.

Neither my sister or I ever resented him having a few years of private education. over the years, it all balanced out, our parents funded us all through uni, and paid for a fantastic gap year for me. not to mention help with all of us getting on the property ladder. We are all in our 30's now and none of us feel that one of the others got treated better.

I would say that OP should just talk to her older DD's first and see what they think, she may be surprised by their response. There is always so much agonising about treating steps and natural children exactly equally, and sometimes the DC's themselves have a more common sense approach, especially if they are happy in their schools with their friends and all the activities their step dad pays for...

marymary

i really think it is not as black and white as it is portrayed by pps who want all three of your DDs to be educated the same.

You need to think about some key questions, such as:

• are your older DDs happy at their current school?
• are they achieving their potential (academic and otherwise) there?
• would they even want to change schools if given the option?

If they are happy ande thriving, you can probably find a way to make it work even if you send your youngest DD private, by explaining it without dwelling too much on the hard cash side of the debate.

Also, what type of relationship does your (new) DH have with the older girls?

• if he has a great relationship, shows them love and afection and it is receiprocated, then, idem, you can make it work
• but if there is already tension and rivalry between the older two and the younger one, then this situation will only make things much worse

What about other money related activities?
Does your DH give prefernetial treatment to his bio DD? ie she has a pony whilst his step DD have to make do with swimming lessons or whatever....

As I said, it's a much wider issue than "all the siblings should go to the same kind of school"

I agree with Greythorne - and there may be sound practical reasons for keeping the older girls where they are - but I do still think there is the potential for this to become an explosive subject if and when teenage hormones and angst kick in and small grievances become exaggerated. I suspect the girls will be aware of the hard cash side without any prompting. At the very least, OP and her husband will need to plan how they will handle those arguments ("you paid for my little sister to go to private school but you wouldn't buy me an Ipad" or whatever it may be) if they happen.

If you go to your older daughters in apologetic mode saying you're so sorry but they can't go to priv school like their little sister then they bound to feel resentment.

But why take that attitude? Why not roll your eyes and say "Dad (or whatever they call him) is a bit fussy about schools and wants little sister to go to this weird private school - not my cup of tea, but that's how he was brought up. I think your school is much nicer. But if either of you think you need a different school along the way then let us know."

ie, don't set up a big differentation between the schools, don't imply they're getting shortchanged because the fact is they're probably not. And make it clear that if they need something different later, then you're happy to consider it. After all, you may not be able to afford priv sch for 3 children, but you might be able to afford them going private for sixth form only, or for the two GCSE years - if they want/need it.

I have a far, far younger step-sister and a stepmother who wants her to have the best of everything.

There was nothing lacking in my own childhood really however I still find myself stifling resentment at the opportunities she is being given that I was not and I am an ADULT!

I think it is dangerous territory if you are trying to create a united family. My father isn't really, doesn't even see the need to, so I guess for him it doesn't matter.

Perhaps this is a message to people ... discuss the way you will want to raise children ... before you get married

Given that the older girls are in touch with and financially supported by their own father (if I read correctly) there are already 2 families living as one but with different parenting

I see no issue with this (apart from the fact that I disagree with private school generally)

So actually your daughters have benefitted already because your 2nd husband's situation allowed you to give up work which otherwise you couldn't have done and presumably he has helped to pay for all their extra curricula activities when their father hasn't. I don't think one size fits all with respect to children. Our eldest goes to an independent school because he is very sport and very bright and the local state schools could not meet his needs. Our daughter goes to a very very good C of E state secondary school. She is top average and not in the least sporty. We took money out of the equation when we ranked our choices and this school was still first.

Personally I think this issue should have been thrashed out before you had a child with your second husband. I think you are being unreasonable. Your daughers from your first marriage have already benefitted. Who is being resentful here - you or them. It sounds as though they have done pretty well out of your circumstances.

Although we are not paying school fees for our daughter, I have just started a modest 10 year savings plan for her and she will get the proceeds when she is 21.

Good luck, I think this is terribly hard and I feel for you.

For me this comes down to whether it's one family or two.

If it's one family then all would normally be treated the same unless there are clear reasons to distinguish educationally between them (ie. not on the basis of genetics).

If you do distinguish solely on the basis of genetics/parentage then you effectively have two separate families.

I think that if you are trying to create/have created one family then you have to treat all equally or at least go in with that assumption. Maybe there's no money for universities but private education for GCSEs or A'levels for your elder DDs?

At least they would be all equally eligible for loans for Uni if that's what they end up doing ...

very hard

Don't quite understand the posters who say "if this is inevitable, then do X". Surely the OP is as much the parent of the youngest dd as the father is? Why should his preference over how their joint child is educated be "inevitable" compared to hers? It is not as if she is the stepmother: she should have an equal input into anything that concerns dd3.