sending one sibling to private school

[marymary1]

I have 3 girls, 2 from previous marraige and 1 with new DH, whom he now wishes to send to private school whilst the other 2 stay at state school. I am against this as i dont want to favour one child over the others, he is adamant that he wants his own DD to go private. I am v worried about the resentment that may build between the children also how my other 2 girls will view me. Has anyone else been through this situation or can advise me how to limit the damage that this may cause.
I am new to mums net and hope someone has some good advise out there!!

Not in a position to stump up more money

Hmm. Tricky one.

FWIW, I went to a state school and my brother (same mother, different father) went to a private school. However, that was largely because he didn't get on at the state school he started at, and was offered a scholarship to the private one. I've certainly never resented it - just seen it as an example of how one size DOESN'T fit all when it comes to education.

What your DH is proposing is a bit different though as there are no problems at school to move away from, and I can see that it might cause problems between your three girls .

"All daughters are equal but some are more equal than others"

My sister and I went to a state school. Our young step sister was sent private. Even though we did well at our state schools - going on to University - and she failed her GSCEs, this special treatment still fostered huge resentment.

My brother went to boarding school - I didn't and went to the local comp because that is where I wanted to be. Dad was RN, so away a lot, and part of it was to give db male role models.

It hasn't caused resentment - I still did better academically - and we are both happy with where we have ended up in life.

I think my parents were wise actually because I didn't want to board, and didn't until I was 16 and boarded at my state sixth form. What suits one child won't suit another.

"his reply was why shud his dd be denied just because he shacked with me and my ex cudn't afford private school."

Well this is not a situation where he already had a DD at private school when he got together with you.

If that were the case then I would say that she should not be removed from private school simply because your DDs can't go.

This is a situation where you and he got married and had a third DD knowing already that your existing two DDs would not be going to private school. In those circumstances he accepted when he chose to have a child with you that that child would not be able to go private, as it wouldn't be fair.

Oh, and obviously, state school can be just as good as (sometimes better than) private. He needs to get over his prejudices.

The only circumstances I could see it working would be if your dd had particular educational needs that would benefit from beign privately educated. A friend of mine has done it with one of hers (the oldest) for very specific reasons for that child. Those reasons (and issues) do not exist with the other children and they (and she) is happy to keep them in state education.

If there is no reason then it is a very hard decision and unfortunately one of those conversations you should have had pre-children.

A compromise might be to do private primary and then state secondary.

scaryteacher I could have written the first paragraph of your post (even down to the RN father). Unfortunately in my case it did cause massive resentment,probably because I felt they didn't think I was going to do very well academically anyway so why waste the money.
If you do end up going with your DH's wishes I think you have to make it really clear that it's no reflection on the children but just to do with the fathers' differing points of view.
Ideally of course I think they should all go to the same sort of school but can see your dilemma, and it's hard to argue against your DH having a say in his daughter's education.

If this is, or becomes a done thing, explain the situation to DD1 and DD2. DD3's father want her to go to the same sort of school that he went to. You and their father would rather DD1 and DD2 went to their nice school and as long as the school is good, it doesn't matter if it's state or private.

In your case it seems that since they are doing well and already have oodles of activities, the difference will not be striking.
It is not an ideal situation, but your DH seems to be doing his best for your 2 first DDs otherwise. Their father is different to DD3's father, there is nothing anyone can do about that.

Quite rude of MIL, though.

Have you thought about letting your oldest daughter apply for a scholarship?
Then you would only need to pay for putting two children through private schooling.

It might be worth starting work again for.

Besides, your middle daughter is already 5 years into her education, so will spend less time in education from now on(so will cost less).

My neighbours daughter is very bright, she got a scholarship to a private school. She also babysits in her spare time for extra money. She also has a saturday job(she is 16)

I am in favour of private education - I send my DS to a private school.

However, I think it is appalling to consider sending the 3rd DD private and the others to state schools. If you do this, your DD1 and your DD2 could end up resenting your DD3 and they won't be 3 sisters anymore. They will be 2 sisters who have been made to feel that they are not quite right because of their genetic makeup and one sister who is a perfect princess. The resentment will be terrible - by sending DD3 private, your husband will rob her of her sisters - forever. So once you and he are gone, your DD3 will be alone. Harsh, but true.

Thanks for all the comments, feel more in control of my emotions now... before round two start again tonight. off out to do the school run now x

If all three children live together then I think the older children will certainly get the message that their stepfather doesn't have as much time for them as he does for his own flesh and blood. And that you are enabling it.

Tell him he's out of order.

trainsandplanes, the girls have different fathers.

I know of one family where the eldest son was offered a (prestigious) private education by his father in law, and his own (much younger) children had to be taken out of private school because his business ran into trouble. This is called life. Does he regret having given this opportunity to his step son? (whose education could have financed 2 children in a local private day school) No. Does he regret not being able to give the same opportunity to his own children? Yes. Would the mother rather all of her children have the same education? Yes. But it's not possible, so everyone gets on with it. No one is inferior or superior.

Hmmmm.
Is he talking private secondary or primary?
If secondary, then your oldest DD will be out of school by the time your DD3 gets there, and your DD2 will be nearly out unless she decides to do 6th form. Are they really going to be retrospectively resentful, especially if they've done ok?

I am somewhat biased though. I went to private secondary school, my younger sibs didn't; although to be fair it is doubtful they would have passed the entrance exams and my bro wouldn't even try as he was adamant he wasn't going to the "posh" school, even though his best friend was. No resentment around the school situation in our house - my parents did compensate my sibs in other ways though.

Our state primary seemed to be good enough - our academic differences were obvious by the end of our time there.

I have some sympathy with your DH - it's something he's always wanted to do for his DC - but he has to do it for the right reason(and I don't believe "pushing" primary DC is a right reason). If the local state school is as good or better than the private school in terms of results etc., then why waste the money? If he's only doing it cos that's what he did, then that's just silly. Your DD3 might decide when she gets to secondary level that she doesn't want to go private, anyway - that she wants to go with all her friends and would be miserable to be separated from them.

I don't know how different the school systems are now from when I was little (loong time ago) but I think if you can maybe compromise on DD3 going to state primary and possibly private secondary, then you will achieve a reasonable compromise with hopefully minimum resentment on all sides.

But the two older dds are bound to feel inferior when there is a 2 tier system within the house that they share with another sibling.

Have you tried asking the other two if they mind? If they are already settled at their schools and have lots of friends, you may find they have no problems with it at all. In fact they may feel sorry for their little sister.

My sis sent her eldest to a private school for a couple of years to help with his A'levels. But it evened out when another of her DCs wanted to go to a private chef's school instead of university and the third needed bailing out later in life.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the ideology because kids generally don't.

To be honest I agree with most of the responses you have (only glossed over)

I was the one who went to private school. My step sisters (both older) did not. To be fair my parents (dad and step mum) were perfectly happy for us all to go (would have been paid for by RAF) however their dad said no. He didnt want them to be turned into snobs (tosser didnt even think about the opportunities they'd get over our local cr*ppy secondary)

Middle sister didnt care and dropped out of education at 16 anyway. However eldest (shes 5 years my senior) finally blew up at me when I was about 23 after years of simmering resentment. I had no idea of course, being completely self absorbed as I was. She was actually thrilled because I'd failed one of my modules on my masters degree.

She said finally my parents would see I wasnt golden child and accused me of allsorts - winding them around my little finger, always being the one known as the 'brainy' one, always getting extra stuff like dance lessons etc, getting away with allsorts because I only came home once a week.

She wasnt wrong, but it wasnt my fault. I mean I was only 10 when I went. It didnt cross my mind to think about how she was feeling about it. And I left when I was 15 and went to the local 6th form. But she'd carried it with her all those years. I dont blame her for blowing up even though it was kind of mean of her at the time. She was just as intelligent and she wasnt given the same opportunity as I was. Not fair whatever the reason.

Tell dh universities are biased against people from private schools so sending her state is doing her a favour long term.

Dont do it. I went to private schools and my two sisters didnt. I barely know them now.

I don't agree with it at all, he has to see that it's completely wrong and will only cause resentment and problems. You have to put your foot down here!

I think that the age gap is large enough for it to be done without the 'obligatory' resentment. The 10 year old will be leaving primary next year so it is not at as if they will be going to different primary schools. It is simply a case of considering another school, 6 years down the line. The choice does not have to be the same. Forget about the private aspect and just view it as the best school for his DD.

2 of my siblings went to private school, 2 did not. one of my dc is in private school and 2 are not. one may follow but one will not.

no big deal for any of us, but as your family dynamics have changed with the new step dad preferrring his child to go to private but not his steps, then that would be the issue, not the private schooling.

This thread is fascinating because I saw another thread recently asking a similar question - although I think the children there all had the same parents - where many posters suggested it would be fine to send some children to independent schools and some to state if that met the needs of the child.

I agree with all the posters who say it has the potential to be hugely divisive. Sooner or later you may have to explain to your older daughters (especially if they become stroppy argumentative teenagers) why you gave your youngest daughter something worth, what, £100,000 which you weren't able to offer them.

Does your dh plan to make the same distinction when it comes to, say, paying university fees?

My sisters went to private primary school while I went to the local state one. One sister was having a dreadful time at the state school so moved and by the time the other sister started my Dad was working there, so it seemed sensible. We all ended up at the same state secondary school.

I think a lot depends how you frame it. If this is going to happen and you can't change it, then I would suggest finding a way to sell it. Your youngest is going to the right school for her, rather than a better school IYSWIM. Ignore the fact it is private v's state.

Exactly camdancer. The 2 sisters may not even want to change school, if they are happy where they are, what would be the point in moving them.