State vs Private and me vs DH

[dastardlydoodah]

I don't know if this is a regular topic on here, but could really do with some advice.

We currently live in Putney with DD (6mo). Our flat has 1 bedroom and we will have to move in 6 months or so as I'm desperate for more space. It's doubtful that we'll be able to afford something bigger here, and we're both very open to moving out of London for more space, better schools, nice community etc. So far, so good.

Problem is, I want to move somewhere that has a good state education system. DH earns good money, but not amazing amounts, and paying the £12k per year for DD to go to school would cripple us. I have never been a high earner and was hoping to spend a couple of years with DD at home, then retrain. I think the time with me would be great for DD, and that a move out of London to somewhere with more of a community would be amazing for us all as a family. I also don't want fights between DH and I about who has been working hardest/latest/has to make dinner, etc etc. I am really enjoying the dynamic we have at the moment and would like it to continue.

Our problem is that DH is desperate for DD to be privately educated. He has said that he doesn't care how many sacrifices he has to make or how miserable we are, she is the most important thing and we have to make sure she has access to the best education possible. At the moment we have a reasonably high standard of living, despite my not currently earning, and I just can't see how we would survive.

I suppose I am asking, am I being reasonable in thinking that maybe a private education isn't the be all and end all, is there a particular county with really good state education, and have other people had this dilemma and what did they do?

Gosh, quite long - sorry!

"I don't know if this is a regular topic on here" you are kidding arn't you ?

was sort of hoping that I wasn't going to bore people with the sort of thing that gets discussed ALL THE TIME.

But that's probably exactly what I did, sorry.

Have a look these threads tend to explode. Why is he do convinced state education is so terrible. Was he privately educated himself?

No, he wasn't privately educated, but all of his friends were, so I think he might have a bit of a chip on his shoulder about it.

I was really hoping not to cause a bunfight, hence quite a long explanation of personal circumstances, rather than just an ideological thing.

Do they earn more than him or something ? Why the chip ?

there are lots of counties with good state primaries and then great grammars (kent/essex to name just 2). two parents in my dc's class (reception) have just moved house for that very reason.

There isn't a straightforward answer. My DH was privately educated and reckons his parents wasted their money and he'd have been better off in the state sector.

When it came to our DD, I would have assumed she'd go to a state school (my experience of such being happier than DHs) but turned out we were in the middle of an enclave of 'faith' schools so we were unacceptable to them and vice-versa. Fortunately for us the private school was very good.

Now she's just about to start secondary - and that's state, I don't know of anyone who chooses a private secondary over the local grammars if their child can pass the entrance exam.

So, private may be best but it may not be. You need to look at the schools available and whether they'll suit your DD. And having more of your time and energy may indeed be more valuable to her than the nuances of school.

Bucks has grammars I think and Lincolnshire. But of course DC has to pass 11+. You might be able to use some of the equity in your property if you move from London to somewhere cheaper.

Would a state grammar be OK? If so move to Kent. You could try private primary and then grammar. You have time to research the best state schools and then move in down the road. This also means any more DCs you have get to go there too, and no money spent on fees. You don't mention whether you will have only one child (makes a difference!).

Visit both kinds (try to be open about private and hopefully he'll visit some states too). But MN won't be able to solve this one between you two.

It is a bit of a gamble to move into a grammar school area, what happens then if your child doesn't pass the 11+?

Your DD is six months. Why not find somewhere that has a good village infants school and worry about state vs. private when she is six.

Just to throw in another variable, further away from london private schools aren't quite so expensive (and property prices lower) - DDs was more like £9K per year.

Thanks so much for all the replies, you are all much more sensible than me.

DH's friends do earn more than him, but they also seem to have more confidence in themselves and their abilities, whereas he smokescreens it all.

SWC, yes I agree re holidays and cars, but we do struggle at the end of the month as it is. Obviously I do want DD to have the best education we can afford, but I think it's important to be realistic when working out what that is. The one thing I would hate to do more than anything would be pulling her out of a school after a couple of years because we can't afford the fees.

I was born and raised in London so don't have much knowledge of grammar schools and different counties, but will def start doing my research.

Exactly, pixie. I know it seems like I'm getting ahead of myself, but in an ideal world we would have another DC and there's NO WAY we could afford that. Which, I suppose, would force DH's hand...

I am very pro-state school so just want to lay that out first, but I do understand your DH's perspective and I have friends who were privately educated and who will do the same for their kids.

I think lots of people assume that if you are paying for it, it must be worth more, but I don't think that is necessarily the case, and instead you probably both need to take a step back and try to quantify what you mean by 'the best education available'.

Is he tempted by the connections and old school tie network that you get with (some) private schools? Is he interested in the rates of Oxbridge entry? These are wonderful things to have but they are not the be all and end all of education necessarily, and they can also be achieved at a good state school. For example, private education can (sometimes) also teach snobbery and a misplaced sense of entitlement and IME an inability to get along with people from all walks of life. These may not be important to you, but I think they are worth considering.

My DH and I were lucky to go to excellent state schools which we loved and where we thrived and this obviously colours our view. DH went on to Cambridge so academic success and its rewards are more than possible via a state education.

I think it's also worth thinking about the social aspect. Your children can get in with a 'bad crowd' and go off the rails whether they are at a state or a private school (AFAIK the difference is mainly the type and quality of drugs which are available ) so a private education does not by any means guarantee your child will stick to the straight and narrow. Or indeed be happy.

A word of warning. My dh's sister in law was adamant that her dc's should attend private school, despite the fact that her husband (my bil) was against it. He was earning very good money, but didn't think the sacrifices were worth it. His wife disagreed and was adamant that her dc's MUST attend private school. This financially crippled them, they missed out on holidays etc, and it made both of them very miserable. Unfortunately, my bil lost his job and they had to pull their children out of private school. My bil blamed his wife for their misfortune and this issue led to them divorcing.
Their dc's eventually went to a state school and have excelled.
My point is that sending your dc to private school is fine if BOTH of you agree, but may lead to problems if you are no longer able to afford private education. Do you plan to have any more children? Could you afford to pay more than one school fee?
I would advise you and your husband to think very carefully.

dastardly, just seen your last post - I think the worst possible outcome might be putting your DD in private school and then having to pull her out if you find you can't afford it, that would be a blow for her and for you and your DH.

You say your DH has a chip on his shoulder. If your DD went to private school which you were scrimping and saving to afford, then you wouldn't be able to afford all the extras which her (richer) friends would have. For me, I think that would be quite demoralising - to feel like the poor person in a very rich environment.

what was the quality of your DHs state education? did he get good grade etc?

DH and I had appalling state education (at different schools)and both left with shite grades.

we are going to do all we can to ensure ds and dd get a better education than we did and if we can cherry pick a school by going private, rather than have a school foisted on us by the l.a, then we will will.

Can I also just say that you don't need to move out of London to get better schools!

You and DH need to resolve this issue between yourselves, obviously, but it seems to me that unless he earns more/you work full-time in a better paid job, you just can't afford it. And if you are planning on more children then it seems even more impossible.

That said, I'm a fervent believer in state education anyway.

Both my boys have been lucky to get very good educations so far (crosses fingers for DS2 who is still in the system!), and we're in SW19.

However, from what you say about your DH, this doesn't sound like it's about the education, more the sense of privilege that goes with private schooling. I have witnessed only too often the advantages that you gain from the private system, and whilst I think it's totally unfair, I can see its appeal.

Quite often private school is cheaper than paying for a house in a good catchment area.