BDD - Disgusted by own reflection

[Heroesinahalfshell90]

36(F) - Classic millenial, always longed to be stick thin. Bad relationship with food, used every diet pill/"remedy" under the sun. Continually used laxatives from late teens to mid 20s...
Long story short I met my soulmate at 22 who is in the fitness industry, knows his stuff and I fully trust with my life so I inevitably opened up to him and am now healthy in the most part with food love/hate, workout regularly etc.
Mentally I feel I'm still very damaged and I long to shake it!

I have a lot going against me (hypothyroidism, on anti depressants, a diagnosed 'hormone imbalance') but I'm hoping someone can give me some advice/tips anything to help me finally change my mindset on myself.
I never look in the mirror and like what I see. Most of the time I'm utterly repulsed. I avoid any photos of myself and when there are ones taken (nights out etc) I'll critique them in my head for weeks. I feel like the only clothes I'm comfortable in are massively oversized and pyjamas.
I literally saw my shadow early (side angle) and was disgusted. Its all consuming!

Hi there,
We're just bumping your post back up the queue here as it seems rather to have fallen through the cracks. We hope you get the support and understanding that you need, you've certainly come to the right place.

It sounds like you are having a tough time. Sending love.

Have you been diagnosed with BDD? What helped a friend is CBT with hypnotherapy. But it depends how severe the BDD is.

Not diagnosed - this sounds mad but just going to the doctors about it makes me feel gross. Like the thoughts I have are valid and I'll get laughed out of the GPs office.
Not tried hypno, thank you for the suggestion. I'm going to look into it

I’m a therapist OP. Talking therapies can help with BDD in some circumstances. Ive treated it with CBT. Have a chat with your GP or self refer to your local talking therapies team

I could have written your post. Word for word. We’re almost the same age too. I was “stick thin” at one point but it was to the detriment of my happiness, my social life, my relationship, my periods, my hair, etc I could go on. I am in recovery at the moment and see a wonderful eating disorder psychologist who is really helping me reframe my thoughts on my body. It’s tough, really tough but I have to keep reminding myself this life is better than living with an ED. I don’t love what I see in the mirror but I’m trying to reframe the words I use to myself. How you speak about yourself counts, your brain takes it all in. If you aren’t ready for a therapist I would recommend listening to Lousie Hay on YouTube.
I will also add, so many more women feel this way than you think. We’re all in this diet culture obsessed society so there is solidarity out there.
sending loads of love