Managing disordered eating

[overthinker83]

Advice, please! My DD is a bright, undiagnosed but almost certainly autistic 13yo. She is close to me, has some friends at school but struggles socially. Vague interests but I’ve not yet found a thing that makes her spark. Had a relatively significant traumatic experience two years ago (think accident). All of the above are things she would recognise about herself (as well as, I hope, lots of really positive things, of course!). We have tried some counselling but she finds it too upsetting and, on both occasions, she has rejected it and would rather - her words - talk to me.

Anyway, she has always been a fussy eater. Not ever really grown out of it as lots do. I recognise this is part of her ND. She snacks a lot. Can be nuts, fruit but she will always go for sweeter stuff if it’s in. We don’t have much like that in for various reasons (we’re generally quite healthy) but increasingly we don’t because of this. She has definitely started secret eating (e.g pours a can of fizz into her water bottle and denies it until proven; 4 chocolate mousses bought, she has one and says she doesn’t like it and chucks half away, I have one and then she’s had the other two but says she has not. Absolutely denies it).

Add to this ‘I’m not hungry, I’ll have some fruit only’ for breakfast etc. and I’m quite concerned that there is a problem developing.

What do I do?? Be really open with my concerns? More clearly model and suggest healthy patterns?!

I think I have a really healthy relationship with food and my weight. I lived with a Mum who had an ED (not around any longer so not an influence) so I am concerned about it.

All advice and experience so very welcome!!

This really isn’t clear at all and I am confused. Are you saying she is restricting her intake, then binging on sweet stuff and denying it? If so, this is because her blood sugar levels have dropped and she needs the high density carbohydrates to raise these back up.

If this is the case, it’s obviously not ideal, however, you shouldn’t stop her from eating if she is hungry, even if some of it is disordered. That sends a very bad message. It’s about helping her with her eating choices and encouraging her to have regular meals throughout the day.

Sorry to be confusing. She eats meals well enough most of the time (albeit not very adventurously). Sometimes she will make an excuse about meals (well. Not an excuse. Just say she doesn’t want something). She will sneaky snack and lie/deny around this though.

@Mummyoflittledragonyou would be advising making sure healthier choices are available and just continuing to gently educate (both of which I am doing)? Interesting about it being blood sugar though.

I would be careful how you approach this as it could lead to more secretive behaviour and you don’t want that around food. Not eating very healthily is very typical teen behaviour and most kids come out the other end just fine.

You say this doesn’t happen often? In that case, I would be super breezy about this and tell her you’ll put a plate in the fridge for when she’s ready. Then if you notice she’s eaten eg a bunch of biscuits instead, you can say to her you noticed she didn’t have her dinner in the end and she ate a bunch of snacks. You can then explain what tends to happen is when people skip a meal, they get super hungry and reach for these snacks and might just get a bit of a tummy ache or feel sick after. And that’s why we eat regularly throughout the day to keep those cravings down. And that it’s ok, she doesn’t have to hide it from you. And give her a hug.

I am betting she gets what is and isn’t healthy. You’ve explained it. And with teens, the more you push, the more they’ll go in the opposite direction. Especially girls. And I am figuring she’s eating more like her friends, who down cans of coke and chips etc.

What is wrong with drinking a can of pop? I am presuming this isn’t multiple cans or even every day. She shouldn’t have to hide it in a bottle. She’s at secondary now. She’s getting older and isn’t a little girl anymore. And she’s wanting to make friendships and connections. And with girls, that’s copying friends.

The throwing away of half a mousse is strange behaviour. Do be careful as you may inadvertently be passing on your anxiety around your mum’s ED. Because maybe I’m wrong, but I’m wondering if that’s a guilt reaction.

Have 3 ASD teens with eating challenges and a mum who had ED as a younger woman. I increasingly see my ASD in my previously perplexing (to me) eating habits as I’ve learned more about one of my DDs and what is going on for her. As @Mummyoflittledragon says: eating junk at her age is normal; slightly off eating patterns with ASD is normal (for me and kids very related to how challenging we are finding life in general). Keep providing food, and don’t make a big deal about the unhealthy stuff. If she is getting enough calories in, you are winning, and if she is eating meals that’s amazing and some variety of food types is also good. She may end up eating very differently from what you consider ideal, but you cannot control that and as long as she is healthy enough all good (and if not healthy then get support - one DD was on medical malnutrition drinks at one point). Talk about your own eating (man I had three biscuits this morning and I wish I hadn’t because now I don’t want lunch / made me feel a bit weird, must be the sugar (or whatever). Scary as it is, she has to find her way own way. 2 of mine have had interventions from healthcare professionals (with their consent) and are getting more able to see/explain what is happening. One kid existed entirely on sugar for a few months. She came out the other side. With my kids their eating can be worrying but it is always about the ASD and not about body dysmorphia and so how I approach it is informed by that. Most importantly Don’t make her feel she needs to hide her food jags. Shame and food are a toxic combination. Good luck x

Thank you both. This is really helpful and in many ways reassuring - and helps me deal with it better, I think!

The pop thing was a bit odd: she and her Dad had done the shop and bought two slightly odd flavoured Dr Peppers. One for her and one for her brother for tea. They went in the fridge. By mid afternoon one had vanished (‘his’). We asked where (he wasn’t in!) and she said she didn’t know. And then it was in her bottle! So definitely done sneakily.

Ok good that you feel reassured. As for the drink, do you only get fizzy drinks sometimes as a treat? Could just be opportunistic. Your ds was out. I just think relaxing the rules would help on that score. Your dd wouldn’t think the pop was so attractive or such a finite ressource.

I agree with what @Venice93 said, your dd is a long way from having any kind of ED. And all of this sounds pretty normal, rather than needing intervention. You’re naturally going to feel more aware of any changes than the average parent.

I think you have to very careful about people online who only know a small snap shot of your dd telling you her eating is fine and a long way from having any kind of ED. We know the risk is higher in teen girls with ASD and eating disorders have a strong genetic component so it is good to keep you eyes open especially as your mum had an ED. It's very easy not to realise what is going on.

Instead of just fruit for breakfast would she have some fruit and seed/nuts in yoghurt? Or maybe banana on wholemeal toast?

I think it's good to keep minimal junk food in. it's just not true that if you had fizzy drinks more often they wouldn't be so bothered - in fact the opposite is likely to be true, they'd probably only want to drink fizzy drinks. I was the same with squash, ended up that water tasted too bland and I would only drink squash as i didn't like the taste of water any more. Same goes for junk food. I certainly wouldn't go down the route of letting her subsist on sugar unless she has ARFID, that is just asking for childhood diabetes.

I never let DS (ASD) narrow down his food choices, if he wanted to drop one food from a category he had to pick another one to replace it. He always decided he could actually live with the old one. It was very easy for him to think he should only eat his very favourite foods (ie junk) and decide he didn't like anything else. I had to explain to him that it was ok and normal to eat things other than his absolute favourite foods. He's never liked fruit and is quite limited there (fair enough) but will eat most vegetables.

When your dd is paying for the shopping she can have control over it, until then she shouldn't be taking her brothers drink and drinking it. No need to make a huge fuss but I hope you gave him hers instead. Why did she say she didn't like the chocolate mousse and throw it away? Was it to make her story more plausible when she ate the other two and then denied it? That is pretty sneaky! TBF though there's not much to a mousse and i could easily eat 2 and a half too. If the other mousses were for her dad and brother though then again that was unfair.

TBH I think I'd be looking at her wider life and what's going on there. Is she happy at school, is she getting on well with her friends. I'd also be looking at her relationship with her brother - why did she think it was ok to take his drink? Are there issues there?