Support thread 11 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[GrannyRoberts]

Hi all, here is our new thread. I will attempt to post a link on thread 10.

Oh and found out that one of DD's classmates called me an "Almond mom" (presumably because of the supervised lunches). Which has for some reason upset me even though its just stupid 11 year old gossip (DD doesn't know what it means and seems unbothered by this boys opinion in any case)

Gah!! That would really irritate me too. I know at least one of Dd's friends thinks similar of me, I just think they've got zero idea.

@Curlyhairedassasin I've been thinking of you, hope things are bearable.

@GrannyRoberts I'll keep you posted on the meds, I'm a bit nervous of side effects but I don't think my current state is sustainable either. The GP was very certain it would be good to try. She likened it to needing medication for a physical illness like diabetes. I just watched a film set last century where one of the lead characters died of diabetes so it was a good analogy - there didn't used to be meds for some conditions so might as well make use of what is available.

That's great @Eyelashesoffire she really wanted unsupervised lunches so providing she eats she can have!
Glad your daughter isn't bothered by that comment @GrannyRoberts why are some people so thoughtless 😤

@Eyelashesoffire - oh that's a lovely bit of news! Well done your dd!!

Hope the antidepressants help. I totally get what you mean @GrannyRoberts about anything extra - I feel the same. It's half term here in a few weeks and dh wants us to take the kids to visit some relatives. I know it will be a good thing but it will take so much prep and I'll feel on duty the whole time, I just feel too tired!!

@greydoor totally understand how you're feeling. There is just nothing left in the tank! I've been so lucky throughout my 40 odd years of life to have not had any struggles with my mental health. But 8 months of this has completey broken me.

Any ideas when they completely refuse to finish their (ever so tiny ) plate ? 😩😩😩😩

At our wits end...... she will eat a few mouthfuls and that's it

@summertimesadness24 Is she using actual tiny plates? My DD used small plates and ordered tiny cake forks off the internet to eat with. The psychiatrist told us to throw them away as they make the food look more and slow down the eating process. DD was furious and threw me out of her hospital room when I told her, but it really did help, I think.

As in getting rid of the tiny plates and forks helped!

Summer I'm copying posting my earlier post about what to do with food refusal incase you didn't see it before.

Summertime there are different schools of thoughts on what to do in cases of flat out food refusal.

Some families 'sit it out' that means the child has to sit at the table and is not allowed to leave until the food is eaten, even if it takes 10 hours. Or they will physically follow their child around d with the food abs the child will not be allowed a minutes rest until the food is eaten, will not be allowed to sleep/watch telly/go on their phone. Life stops until they eat.

This does work well for some kids and you tend to only have to go through the pain barrier of doing this once or twice before they realise you won't back down and it's easier just to eat the food to get you off their back!

For other families having set times for each meal and snack and then setting a timer for say 30 mins to eat it works. If after 30 mins the foods not eaten they get presented with another alternative (ideally higher calorie) if that's refused you pack them and the food up and head to a&e.

Hopefully they will then eat the food but if not you see the a&e trip through and make sure all the checks get done.

Once the foods down in front of them, change the subject to anything else other than food. Do not discuss the food, do not answer any questions related to the food and keep replies very neutral

'This is exactly the right amount for you'
'You can trust me, I've given you exactly what you need'
'Pick up your fork and take a mouthful, how's your friend so-and-so getting on? Did I tell you I saw her mum last week?' Etc.

My dd responded well to 'once and then' so once you've eaten your snack and then we can go to the park/play a game/go to the shop.

I also took my dds phone off her initially to get FBT established, this help as an incentive to get her eating but also I think helped her mental health overall as she was looking up all sorts of crap on it.

@summertimesadness24 our Ed clinic has said we limit meal times (set a timer if necessary) 40mins for breakfast, lunch & dinner and 20-30mins for snacks unless progress is being made they leave it up to us to decide when to stop. I don't think there is a right or wrong and it's whichever works best for your family and how you used to eat before. In the early refeeding days if a meal was refused or enough not eaten we'd offer a high calorie shot (fortini) if that was refused we'd pack up for hospital. We were lucky enough that the fear of being admitted again was enough to get him eating, we did once drive there and he ate it outside and we came home again. You're in the worst stage and it's so so incredibly difficult, you literally are saving your dd's life. Whatever you decide whether she can leave a little or the whole things to be done just repeat that so the boundary is clear and very slowly each mouthful gets a little easier. I'm sorry it's a long painful journey, we are 6 months in and had a difficult supper tonight, not as bad as it could of been but a lot of upset and refusing he then decided he wanted to do a family game and eating it allows that to happen so did it. Lot's of repetition of how it's safe and just try a bite, I'm here for you, this is what you need.
Is there anything your dd really wants to get back to that you can use as leverage? We enjoy travel and whilst eating we'd look at lovely places and make a list of what we'd like to do and see and how when he's well these things can happen.

@summertimesadness24 sounds tough at the moment, Eva Musby has good advice as well, either video posted a few days ago by greydoor or in Eva Musby's book. We were compassionate but very very firm with DD. She loves school and her phone and the promise of those things being taken away were powerful motivators. I think the main lesson I've taken from all this is I've had to just sit with extreme discomfort and distress, both in myself and my DD. Just bear it and keep on bearing it. Failure is not an option. We've also been lucky with support from CAMHS, though I pretty much just did everything they said. Are you seeing anyone this week?

@nan her plates are a fair size and the portions are quite small
We are no way doing any where near what we should be but since the clinic said don't count calories but ensure you are giving 3 meals a day and 3 snacks but we are struggling with this

Today for example she eat a good breakfast and snack at school, refused lunch (at school) and has her afternoon snack then refused dinner so our thing is if after 45mins she hasn't finished we send her to bed. We've had do so it twice and all last week it worked. So her bedtime is 9 pm, we eat at 6ish so I have her too 6:45 and said if she doesn't eat it's teeth and wee and bed....she chose bed quite happily and off she went

I've found a lot of internet searches over the weekend
' how can I lose weight quick '
' how much weight can I lose if I skip lunch '
And has been downloading fitness apps and bmi apps
This was when she was at her dads
I've seen spoken to her and thought we had a a good chat and then todays she's done this....

On a positive we do have a follow up at the eating clinic tomorrow after last week as they want to weigh her and speak to us about our initial assessment

She doesn't care about anything - I've said she can't stay at her nana house at half term which she really loves, she can't have later nights which she loves - she just wants to lose weight

She looks through me when I talk to her

I could try sit there until it's all gone
As i haven't tried that yet

Yes the eating clinic tomorrow and Cahms have reached out to the clinic asking if they can do a meeting with us altogether which I thinks fab

I've watched some of her videos

She's definitely not improving.....😕we are being consistent and fair and firm
We've taken away her apps like TikTok and snap chat but she still has her phone currently
To talk to her friends, you tube and games

Great you're seeing CAMHS tomorrow, it is so hard at the beginning, my DD was totally in the grip of the ED. It took from first appointment with CAMHS in June until October to really get a grip on it for us. She didn't really improve a lot at first. At the beginning I was just trying to get 3 meals and 3 snacks into her. Then I thought about calories - 2000 a day and then we had to increase it slowly to 3000. Only then did I feel I was getting my daughter back. Please don't be hard on yourself, just take each day as it comes.

@summertimesadness24 I would also add, although we were very firm, we also tried very hard to maintain our relationship, watching films together, trying to spend some time together in spite of all the craziness. But everyone's journey will look a bit different. Hold on!

What's her wfh? If she's able to be in full time school, I would also try not to full days if lunch isn't eaten. She has to eat to get things, so chatting on the phone with her friends she has to earn it. I suspect she'll hit the roof but a couple of times of no food no phone might help?

91.7 at the last weigh in
She didn't have it tonight - we've really limited it

Yes we do this - I thought we had a nice balance but she went to bed skipping and happy pretty much ( as she didn't have to eat !)

Ah I see that makes sense as to why maybe the clinic said not to count as she's not having hardly anything! So this makes a lot of sense

I wouldn't offer going to bed as an alternative, they would all definitely rather go to bed than eat their dinner. Dd would have loved that sadly.

You have to stay with them at the table, completely impassive to their protests, they have to eat what you put in front of them.

It sounds like at the moment you're still in the phase of enabling the ED which I think most of us have been through in the early days. I enabled dds ED by allowing some exercise and letting her leave some food.

It's a bit like living with an alcoholic and saying you can have one low alcohol beer, it doesn't work unfortunately.

By giving her small portions and letting her leave food you give power to the ED.

Be really firm, failure is not an option, she absolutely will eat that food and you will either sit it out until it's gone or pack her up and take her to a&e.

Once the foods in then do lots of lovely things, crafts, games, films, funny videos on YouTube etc.

You have a lot more power than you realise, your dd does want to eat the food, she will be really hungry. The ED is stopping her and you are the only thing that stands between her and the ED.

Love this - thank you I needed to hear this

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm armed with my info for her follow up at the clinic

She is telling me she never has any hunger pains 😪

Lots of great advice @summertimesadness24 - it is very very hard at first, keep going you're doing so well. I chose to count calories at the start mainly because I wanted to know if what we were doing was enough, so I could make sense of her weigh ins, to know if I needed to add more, and if so how to do it. I obviously don't ever share these calories with my dd and she can't be in the room when I am preparing and plating her food.

We had a lot of shouting at the start (mainly from her, sometimes from me). We went down the route of sitting with her until it was eaten, although I did allow her to eat in the living room with the tv on, which seemed to distract her a bit. I know what you mean about your dd looking through you when you speak - that's exactly how dd was, and often still is. Here is another video - this one really helped me to understand that I wouldn't be able to tempt her to eat - food isn't pleasure any more for her.

We also removed her ability to search the internet or download apps, as we found pages upon pages of searches about calories, things like 'will a really hot bath burn calories' and lots of YouTube shorts about what people eat in a day, lots of terrible messaging about food and eating. So we removed her ability to do that any more, and it does help.

Beat do a good course for parents called developing dolphins if you can find the time to do that.

It's so hard at the start, getting 3 meals and 3 snacks established can take quite a while, and even longer until it starts to have an impact on their mood. Taking it one day at a time, actually one meal at a time was how I coped at the start.

She is telling me she never has any hunger pains
@summertimesadness24 my mantra was "you don't have to be hungry, you just have to eat it, you don't have to like it, you just have to eat it"

I felt like I was in a fight with the ED, I had very vivid dreams about fighting it. And I was 100% determined I was going to beat it to a pulp!🤣

My dd denied feeling hungry at the start although now admits she was absolutely starving most of the time and struggled to think about anything other than food 😕

The first time she said she felt hungry after this all began I nearly fainted 🙈😂 I reckon it must have been a year or so in from the start of the restriction.

It does get easier summer this bit is just really shit.

Be the tiger mum, fight for your dd and get the food in.