Support thread 11 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[GrannyRoberts]

Hi all, here is our new thread. I will attempt to post a link on thread 10.

Does anyone know where I can get a bracelet which you use to ping against your wrist?

I don't know what they are called and I cannot find any 'nice' ones anywhere apart from Etsy where it's £15 which is fine then £15 delivery which I thinks too much for just a flimsy bracelet

But my daughter has been self harming and has asked me for one as so I'm trying to get one for her

Any ideas ? Can anyone help?

I know she can use an elastic or hair band but ideally want a nice looking one

Sorry to hear this @Curlyhairedassasin I agree the FaceTime is a great idea and school need to accommodate that if they can no longer offer food support. Our Ed team would come out to the house as they would class her behaviours as a crisis, my son threw crisps and a crumpet and they came down so heavily on him for 'angry and aggressive' behaviour. Your daughter is physically assaulting you (I get she's distressed and lashing out at the person trying to help) but without outside support you can't do this at home. Someone else with authority laying down the law and standing by you for several meals will surely help. Maybe they could supervise lunch at school? You're superwoman for going as long as you have with no support and my heart goes out to you. The positive side is she grew, quite a bit so at least she is getting enough sometimes to fuel growth.
@greydoor any luck with school? I can't stand how awful kids are to each other. I wish there was a way they could see how their words and actions affect others. Hope things are ok.
Hi to the newbies, sorry I haven't fully caught up yet. I hope you're all hanging on in there, the first few weeks/months are a dark place, your not alone 💗

@summertimesadness24 Look what I found on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1042866931/anxietyanger-pingsnap-bracelets?ref=sharev44_lx

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/394423784921?mkcid=16&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-127632-2357-0&ssspo=a4do2-m0sbi&sssrc=4429486&ssuid=5h7ctIqTQsi&var=662969130982&widget_ver=artemis&media=COPY

Natural Crystal Bracelet, 8mm Gemstone Beads, Adjustable Crystal Bracelet for Women or Men (Anxiety Relief) amzn.eu/d/0pjD37O
Any good?

Thanks @Proseccoismyfriend. no ED team cannot support in school. Seems the support is such a lottery. nobody is batting an eyelid when she assaults me.

@Curlyhairedassasin the violent outbursts you describe are not dissimilar to what I experienced with my DD pre ED and were so distressing for the whole family. At 17 she was diagnosed with ADD and autistic traits. I joined an autism support group and it is not unusual to read posts from mums of young teenage girls who assault their mums particularly at night. With hindsight I think it was social anxiety that caused the distress. You are right in that there doesn’t seem to be any help for families so I don’t know what to suggest. You mentioned that your DD1’s school was taking it seriously so maybe they can suggest something. In my support group parents call the police when attacks are violent - or a kind neighbour. I am so sorry Curly, your burden is particularly heavy right now

Thank you! I must have been blind lol x

These are fab and great price so I'll get a few x my daughter will loves these and I hope they help her stop hurting herself x

Oh Curlyhairedassasin I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this alone. My dd got close to physical abuse but stopped at verbal abuse, shouting and screaming and throwing things, but not right at me. She would hurt herself which triggered a referral to the crisis team who did some anger management stuff with her. Camhs said if it ever became violent to call the police everytime. A police visit may be enough to shock her into reigning in any physical abuse at least. You should never put up with that, even though she has MH issues. Wish I could help. Sending love x

@Curlyhairedassasin goodness this is so hard! I'm so sorry, it's just terrible there isn't an option to support you properly. I know the social service referral sounds like it will take some time, but could you really hassle them? I know often for things like this the "squeaky wheel gets the oil", and I've done similar with things in the past that my kids have needed, eg additional support at school. I don't have a problem with services seeing me as irritating, in fact I'm quite happy for them to if it moves things along. If it were me I might be tempted to call the duty worker every single time your dd does anything like what just happened, to 'keep them informed' and to ask again for help. And keep repeating again and again. I know it sounds like it wouldn't be helpful, but it really is. I once called my other child's school for about 3 weeks, daily, because they weren't providing the tech support they need to actually learn. It worked.

It's so hard because your dd is stuck in a horrible part where she really needs additional weight to recover. But you can't really do it by yourself, it's too risky. You have to convince others that they must get involved. So maybe that's where you should concentrate your efforts. You don't really have anything to lose and it might help.

Stuff like this makes me wish we all knew each other in real life!! When I read your post I really wanted to come round and help you, eating disorders are the most horrible thing for families. Sending you a massive hug xx

Curly I know it sounds extreme but I'd speak to the police for advice. If they know about the assaults they can also hassle social services and it should make your case for support stronger. I think having a policeman come to the house to have a conversation with your dd about how physical violence is never acceptable would also be useful.

You shouldn't be a human punchbag no matter what the circumstances or how ill your dd is.

@Curlyhairedassasin i feel exactly like Greydoor and Bagpuss and wish I could help you IRL

@Curlyhairedassasin So sorry for your situation. As well as the police, I'd be calling the CAMHS emergency helpline if that is available in your area. Get all of this documented - you need (and deserve) help.

@Curlyhairedassasin I know it is of no practical use to you but I feel v angry on your behalf. It is heartbreaking that our help w our sick children is dependent on 'luck of the draw' on what is available and how well it is done. I am amazed by how you persevere in the face of enormous obstacles, you must be beyond exhausted.
I think the police route is an important one to consider as an alternative,outside perspective could help reign in your DD and you must be kept safe too.

@Curlyhairedassasin much like the other posters have said feel deeply unfair you’re not getting the support you should.
how’s today going?

How is everyone today? @Curlyhairedassasin I hope you're holding up. I agree something has to change for you, can you get respite for your older DD? In my school, if the head gives permission, our staff have done respite work for a pupil. So the respite worker knows the child.

DD has an unsupervised lunch today, I'm very nervous but CAMHS have suggested it. We had a gruelling session with CAMHS this week but ultimately lots of green shoots. DD is engaging in the whole session, admittedly with a lot of distress but she's just starting to talk a tiny bit about what's going on for her. I'm hopeful we're clawing our way out of this shit hole, with many steps back I'm sure.

@Eyelashesoffire that sounds really positive. I’ve been told that my DD needs to say it all out loud including how disgusting she feels after eating. Apparently it is essential to recovery. We’re only talking a tiny bit too and starting to understand the many things that got us here but I’m so grateful she has made a start

@Shanghai101 that sounds positive for you, let's hope we just keep moving forward.

I know Eva Musby said, just focus on eating, not why they got an ED, but I would be really interested to hear what your DC have said about what went on for them. If anyone wants to share that is.

Eyelashes** I think for my dd she'd always had a sense that thinner is better, popular girls at school were thin, she'd have more friends if she were thinner. She had low self esteem and lockdown was the perfect opportunity for her to start restricting food and increasing exercise.

Without lockdown I don't think it would have happened tbh, she wouldn't have had the head space to really focus on restricting food.

Given I think she's autistic, it makes sense that she's never felt like she fitted in and had quite black and white views about why some girls had lots of friends and she didn't.

@Eyelashesoffire DD has shared that social media was a factor. Thinspiration. TikTok. Also, low self esteem and wanting to be noticed. Feeling on the edge of her circle of friends. Getting compliments as she lost weight. She was never overweight but peers commented favourably on her looks as the weight dropped off, particularly on her face

@Girliefriendlikespuppies @Shanghai101 thanks so much, some of that resonates with me for my DD, I think she's felt like she was on the periphery and being special or noticed would be good. I think COVID was a contribution to OCD/anxiety tendencies that run in both sides of the family flourishing in her. I was toying with the idea of an autism referral before the ED, but held back because I didn't think it was affecting her. The interplay between autism and OCD and ADHD is quite interesting, ends up not fully looking like any of them. I can find a link if anyone is interested.

What I'm stressing about now is the fact that she's WR, around 101wfh, and the OCD and anxiety traits are still roaring. CAMHS are basically saying let's deal with the ED first but for me it's all entangled and predating the ED.

I'm also extremely frazzled and considering some kind of medication for myself. I feel everything I'm trying to do for self care is just another demand. I'm starting counselling for myself this week, and starting an anxiety course at DS's school. It was sold to me as help for him (he hates school) and he would have sessions but now they've said it's for parents. I'm having to go in to school on my WFH day and rearrange loads of appointments 😞

There is evidence that mice with specific genes restrict food when they're isolated which might be why lockdown was such a disaster for so many kids. All it took was the right (or wrong) genes and taking them away from their usual support networks 🙁

@Eyelashesoffire we've been told it takes a lot longer for their brain to catch up. So we are about 106% wfh and things still aren't always great, still struggling with meals and snack's albeit a lot calmer and struggling with decision making, even really simple tasks like what game to play next can cause huge upset

@Eyelashesoffire I think for my DD, it was the stress of masking due to undiagnosed autism -starvation numbs the emotions. Also she had negative views about her body and initially got praise (not from us!) for losing weight. Obsession with calories replaced her previous special interests. Also there might be a genetic component which was activated once she went into calorie deficit - 2md cousins on both sides of the family were hospitalised for anorexia.

She ate lunch unsupervised!! Her teacher observed and fed back to us. I can hardly believe it. I feel a strange mixture of joy, relief but also apprehension. I'm hoping this is a step forward we can maintain.

I've also gone to the GP today and got a prescription for anti depressants, they were very supportive. I hope they will iron out my poor brain a bit, it's a very big jumble in there!

That's really interesting.

@Proseccoismyfriend glad to hear things are better. It's hard to see them struggle with such simple things in life though. 😞

@Eyelashesoffire that's great news! What a relief that she managed. I really hope she can keep it up! I've been considering going to the GP too, I just feel so worn down and completely overwhelmed at times. At the weekend we had a couple of pretty low maintenance, very supportive and lovely family members staying for 2 nights and I was shattered by the end of it. I just don't have any capacity for anything "extra". I'd be interested to hear how you get on with the antidepressants, I'm wondering if it might help me at the moment too.

@Curlyhairedassasin how are things? I have been thinking of you, I hope you're ok x