Support thread 11 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[GrannyRoberts]

Hi all, here is our new thread. I will attempt to post a link on thread 10.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies you always give such good advice. Any tips for getting food into older teens/young adults? ASD too so not a straightforward recovery. She is engaging with her team but can only make small additions, otherwise becomes overwhelmed.

@Shanghai101 - have you come across the PEACE pathway before? I found some useful things on the clinician page in particular to use to try and work through what's happening and identify how to make changes.

Just following on from @Eyelashesoffire question about how our kids theorise why they developed an ED, does anyone have any hypotheses on why there has been such a MASSIVE increase in EDs in recent years? The literature suggests a lifetime prevalence of 0.5% of AN, but there are two girls in DD's form alone that have been in units, as well as others who have been hospitalised for medical stabilisation, and all my friends' kids seem to have classmates with diagnoses. Lockdown is an obvious one, but DD's problems started before then. ASD seems to be a common theme, but that raises the question about why there seems to be a much higher prevalence of autism (I know better diagnosis for girls is one). All the parents on here seem to be responsible and caring (or I guess you wouldn't be here!). It just seems like there must be something so toxic going on - not having lunch is a 'thing' with loads of girls, which I guess could tip more people with a tendency to AN into calorie deficit. Just musing.

@NanFlanders I'm also very interested in this question! I posted something upthread (or maybe someone else did!) I'll see if I can repost it. A doctor in a US ED unit said he was getting younger and younger patients, he hypothesised that earlier puberty and more vegetarian diets contributed to the increase he was seeing. I think our vulnerable DC could be 'knocked off course' by a combination of factors. My own DD went veggie and I realised too late she hadn't been taking her vitamins 😔

https://www.embs.org/pulse/articles/a-devastating-disorder-poorly-understood/
@nan

@Eyelashesoffire That's really interesting! Both my children went veggie at a young age, and DD became vegan in the early stages of her illness (before she was diagnosed). I was kind of proud of their social conscience at the time, but I wish I hadn't let them now - my inlaws were very opposed. Interestingly, my DD's desire to recover seemed to coincide with her starting to eat fish (because it was lower calorie than the cheese options for dinner!).

@NanFlanders yes with hindsight I would not have entertained any veggie/ vegan diets at all. She has always eaten fish, thank goodness, so technically a pescetarian. Though the other day she said she didn't want to eat fish anymore and I very sharply said "none of that nonsense thank you!" 😬

Hm, so our experience.
-Definitely genetics.
Only found at Xmas time both my sister and her now adult daughter were bulimic when students.
-Lockdown: yep, 2 daughters.
-Vegetarian: 1 daughter
-onset of puberty: yep.
-autism: not sure, definitely some signs now but whole personality has changed so much recently.

Another thing I'm struggling a bit with is when DD is genuinely ill and not eating. It feels a bit of a "lost day" , another day in deficit.

I'm not sure if it has increased I can remember when I was a teenager and out of my small friendship group 3 of us were restricting food (myself included), 1 was severely anorexic and 1 was bulimic. I wasn't anorexic but I had severe anxiety which stopped me eating enough.

I was a teenager in the 90s and there was a huge emphasis on being stupidly thin, Kate Moss, Posh Spice etc.

If it's any consolation we're all recovered and living normal lives now! My friend who was severely anorexic is terrified that her young dds will develop it 😕

I think social media has definitely not helped vulnerable kids, I also think the Governments obsession with healthy eating and living in a very fat phobic society impact's children especially if they are autistic with a tendency to black and white thinking.

Also the ease at which information is available enables ED, it's so easy to work out the calories of every food and Google ways to lose weight.

I don't see it getting any better.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I meant the article was talking about the increase in the number of younger patients (if that's what you were thinking of). But I agree social media and the easy availability of information are not good influences for vulnerable children. How did you and your friends get better?

Eyelashes for me recovery came with dropping out of college, getting a very boring job with zero stress and going to my nans for lunch most days who unknowingly was refeeding me!! Once I gained the weight I needed the anxiety disappeared and I went travelling, went to uni and really enjoyed my 20s!

My very anorexic friend was under the equivalent of the Camhs ED team then and they started her on antidepressants and therapy which did seem to help. She also took a year out and went travelling which I think helped her confidence. That said I wouldn't say she's ever 100% been completely free of it 😕 she is married with kids now but in times of stress food is the first thing to go. She found pregnancy really hard and lost the baby weight very quickly....

My bulimic friend I think just out grew it, moving out of home (it wasn't a great environment) and meeting her now husband who is lovely probably helped.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies so glad you are recovered. Thank you for sharing this it gives me hope

Interestingly i went through a veggie phase around this time and recovery definitely coincided with going back to eating meat. My other friend who was really ill was also vegetarian and is still vegetarian...

With my own dd she decided to become pescatarian at around 9/10yo, she wanted to become veggie and I said no at that time which in hindsight I'm so relieved about!!

My dd is very good at eating veggie alternatives though, she likes all the fake meat and eats lots of beans and pulses (which I never did!)

I get really frustrated on this site when I see mums allowing young children to make decisions like this without realising the potential consequences. Likewise the hand wringing that goes on because their pre teen has gained a little bit of weight (completely normal) and likes eating ' junk' food.

I know I should step away from those threads because they make me want to scream!!!

Hello. I would like to join this thread if possible please.

My 16yo DD has AN and has been under CAMHS since November. She's steadily gone up their urgency list and is now about to be referred to a psych ward. I'm terrified. I feel very supported by the team there and know they will do the right thing by her but I don't have anyone to talk to who is going through it or has gone through it. We were meant to go to a parents group on Monday but it was at 6pm and DD had a meltdown over the dinner that we served her and it left me in inconsolable tears.

I've not rtft yet but I will. But I get scared that I will read things that will make me more scared.

Thanks.

@SicilianOrange My daughter has just been discharged from an inpatient unit after 9 and a half months. If you DM me, I'd be happy to have a phone call or FaceTime you. Honestly, although she hated it, I think it saved her life.

Virtual hug @SicilianOrange and welcome to the group, I have no experience or advice I'm afraid but you have my support.

Hi @NanFlanders 9 and a half months! Blimey that's scary. I'll DM you when I've finished work later. It's really becoming a reality now and I know it's for the best but...oh god, you know.

@SicilianOrange Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. Hers was a longer than usual admission, and she really benefited from it. Hopefully a chat will be reassuring. Hang on in there xxx

@Girliefriendlikespuppies bless your nan! Glad that it has worked out for you and you had fun in your 20s. It's very interesting that there are so many vegetarians. I wish I could go back in time.

@SicilianOrange welcome, but sorry you're here. I hope that you find support and hope here, people do come back and give us recovery stories, which is so uplifting.

I hope you don’t mind me posting? I am (hopefully) not a parent of a child with an ED. Rather I am an adult who has an undiagnosed ED as a teen and went on to have disordered eating for decades. I’ve been lurking for a while but the discussion about being a vegetarian brought me to the surface. I hope this helps but please do understand it’s just my perspective.

I wanted to be a vegetarian prior to my ED. This was in the 70/80s and I had close friends who were vegetarian so this wasn’t odd to me. My parents wouldn’t hear of it though. The dangerous part of my anorexia was when I was 14-15 but when I went to university at 18 and could make my own food choices I immediately became vegetarian. This was partly for humane reasons, but even back then I knew it was really about control and how I could play other people. If you’re a vegetarian it’s so much easier to say you don’t fancy the vegy option, or you’ve had too much cheese, or that the foods been too close to meat.

Being vegetarian was a wonderful way to control my eating without seeming odd. I personally know a few children who I thought had disordered eating and then they’ve gone vegy and that’s been the confirmation for me. Eventually they have been diagnosed with eating disorders. But I knew.

For me the ED comes first and the vegetarianism is one way to enable it.

5 decades on I’m still vegy, so it is important to me, but I’m making the choice For certain reasons , rather than having the ED making the choice for other reasons. Does that help?

@SicilianOrange so sorry you find yourself here, but you will get brilliant advice and support from others on this thread. My DD was on a psych ward for 4 months. It was a very difficult time, but the situation at home was awful and I think the admission quite possibly saved her life. She still has a long way to go but it's currently so much better than it was. I was devastated at the time that we couldn't help her at home. A friend likened our situation to being on a sinking ship and handing our child to the strongest swimmer, and that really resonated with me.

@EDx thank you for your insight, it makes a lot of sense. And so glad you are better now.

EDx Tabitha Farrah says very similar things re being veggie or vegan is the perfect reason to restrict food. My dd has definitely used it in this way as well, for example, she used to love hot chocolate with marshmallows but now won't touch it because marshmallows aren't veggie 🙄

I know it's a load of rubbish and without the ED in her ear she would have it.

@SicilianOrange so sorry you find yourself here but you will get lots of useful advice. Please don’t be afraid of what you will read, I was so frightened at first but this thread together with BEAT and Jenny Langley workshops have been game changers and they will also direct you to useful books to help with your own psycho education - necessary to help you remain calm and supportive and to be alongside your DC in their recovery. And as someone else said there have been a number of stories of recovery and some very wise mums to advise those of us still at the coalface. Sending you Hope