Support thread 9 (!) for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Girliefriendlikespuppies]

Thought I better start a new thread, can't believe we're on to thread 9 😳

Hope all the regulars find it!

@Nomoreplease23 I’m siding with you in regards to not rocking the boat. It’s also quite difficult to find snacks that aren’t sweet and I wouldn’t want to risk her missing a snack. I’m not sure substituting crisps will be a winner if they weren’t popular before ED. It’s hard though isn’t it. Every dentist visit they ask ‘do you eat a lot of sugar?’ despite her teeth being fine and I’m thinking ‘just shut up’.
@Lottsbiffandsmudge what protein drinks does your DD have please? I’m going round in circles looking at the powders.

I am not really a fan but DD drinks them after training so I guess that's OK....

This is the one she likes

Nomore I'd leave it, teens normally eat a fair amount of crap plus she does need the calories. Any hint of restriction or taking away 'bad' foods I can imagine would be very triggering.

If it's any consolation my dd is exactly the same 😕

Nomoreplease23 I agree don't worry too much about sugar at this stage. Getting energy in is the most important thing and you definitely don't want to scupper that. It sounds like she has a good balance of other foods as well. I would ensure she's looking after her teeth as well as she can.

Thank you - thankfully DD is great cleaning her teeth. DH is on the side of trying to return to pre ED eating behaviours (when we would have no dessert after dinner and no snack routine), however I am not comfortable with leaving DD to choose another type of snack (and probably she wouldn't) when she does OK as we are.

DH stance is that she eats three meals a day and that is sufficient, however filling the gaps between meals with snacks has been incorporated for 18 months, and I don't want to lose this. I will buy less sugary snacks if available, but there aren't many. I may take DH to the supermarket to see the selection (I do all the shopping) to show him there is little choice.

Warning: it’s been a bad day.
I’m just absolutely done with this disease. Years of it. Weight recovered and mental state worse than ever. She’s an adult now. Still showing me her flat stomach, crying about how bloated it is. Still weighing daily, trying to cut calories, exercise, avoid unknown food situations… the list goes on. She sticks rigidly to the maintenance plan but refuses to commit to recovery, to try therapy or make any challenging changes.
It has wrecked our family and I just can’t see any way out. Is it wrong for me to just throw in the towel. If she won’t fight the voice, how can I? I’m just exhausted and all the time and effort brings no improvement.

@Waythroughwoods I hear you. Take some time for yourself. If she's sticking to a maintenance plan at least she's not getting worse, and you may feel more able to carry on another day if you've had some time to yourself. Be kind to you. You're only human. We're with you.

Waythroughwoods

Trying to help someone who won't help themselves is utterly soul destroying. I have no advice apart from agreeing with Swatty to take time out for yourself and things that make YOU happy as often as you can. Sending love x

Swatty I'm sorry I remember seeing a post from you about the school hols. Is it still awful? I hope you're managing to get a break sometimes x

@Waythroughwoods its so bloody relentless and so isolating, everyone in the family loses when DC suffers from this dreadful illness - I have to find small pleasures to keep me going, a cup of tea from McDonalds on a week night is one of the highlights of my week! I think we all feel like walking away at some point. Take time, mindless television and podcasts are a safe haven. We are not alone and although a cliche tomorrow is another day. I hope you can get some decent sleep to energise yourself.

Gotta say I'm new to ed but after 18 months self harm I feel qualified to write.....
I watch way too much Netflix rubbish late at night usually when dd is asleep and I kind of feel I can relax without anything kicking off.
My dh is annoyed at my constant consumption of drivel but I don't care. It's the only time my brain really has a chance to decompress. My peri Menopause symptoms combined with worry mean I spend most nights trying to stay cool and not descend into complete panic.
How do other parents keep it together? I am finding it really difficult to function without crying....any advice is welcome

SimSam

I watch a lot of TV too and get comfort out of rewatching my favourite series and movies, usually with a cat on my lap (she helps me a lot). Also listen to a lot of 80s/90s music as it's cheerful and reminds me of good times. I read loads too. I can't sleep unless I've had a read and I'll often turn to comforting old novels. I bake at weekends, even though only me and dh eat it. There's something very satisfying about baking.

It's so important to find something that soothes you and make time for it. Crying is important as it gets the emotion out but when you've stopped you have to fill yourself back up with something that makes you feel better.

Yy to the self care, I have a pilates class I go to weekly which is an hour just for me. I also find time to meet friends for coffee and (ideally) chat about anything else other than dds ED!

You've got to take care of yourself if you're to get through this.

I cry a lot! Also thoroughly recommend HRT and Sertroline! I do a lot of walking and listen to audio books. Often have to repeat chapters as my mind wanders, but sometimes I look up and realise I haven't thought about her for half an hour! I also archive or block her on WhatsApp when things are really tough, so I have to actively look for her messages (even if she's only upstairs). Passive aggressive messages and the ping of my notifications make me feel awful. Much better to only open them when I feel ready.
Had a bad start to the holidays, but things have been better in the last 24 hours. We're not going away together or anything (no one likes each other in my house at the moment) but she's starting to suggest a few trips out etc with me. Small steps. On we go.

@SimSam I also recommended Sertraline, it's the only way I can continue to function. It takes away that constant low level anxiety/adrenaline. It's also had the unexpected effect of making it easier to do public speaking (which is part of my job) so I'm worried about ever stopping it!

But my mantra is whatever it takes, and regular cry/scream sessions somewhere isolated when it all gets too much

Thanks so much for your kind and helpful messages. Stayed up most of the night fretting but feeling more human today. Just finished arguing about lunch and why she has to have it, now off for a therapeutic walk on my own!
This thread is so supportive. I’m a bit of a lurker but I really do draw strength from you all.

I find gardening really therapeutic as well, I can lose myself out there for a few hours and it brings my stress levels right down.

Dds stayed at her boyfriends house last night so no idea what she's eaten, hopefully she's okay.

It's weird having more time to myself though, very quiet and peaceful 😊

Thanks all. Until now I have not been a big user of chats, but reaching out on here is helping me feel not so alone.
I think I might go to gp and ask about sertraline.

Just had an ice cream from the van as it parked outside our house. Didn't even bother to offer one to DD. Feel sad that she can't enjoy life's pleasures like this but oh my, it was bloody lovely. Am concentrating on not letting her illness ruin all the good things in life for me and the rest of the family.

Well, that was quite the day. At DH's insistence, I'm in Tenerife with a friend for a week. Call today to say DD has absconded again from the Unit - she was with DH on her first half hour off site walk since her last absconsion and did a runner into some woods. She was found after a couple of (long) hours hiding behind some bins in another town and the police returned her to the hospital. It's like every time, I think we're at rock bottom, another circle of hell opens up.

@NanFlanders sorry to hear this - please use your time away to recharge your batteries, there is nothing you could do at home it’s out of your control, take some time for yourself.

Oh Nan I'm so sorry 😢 I know it's easier said than done but try and enjoy the holiday - you deserve a break.

Swatty glad you enjoyed the ice cream, I think it's good to stick two fingers up to the anorexia sometimes!

Plodding on here, dd has been busy with work and her seeing her boyfriend. Seemingly doing well at the moment but that might just be because I'm not actually seeing that much of her! She looks well though, I think she's gained a bit of weight which is really reassuring that she is eating without my supervision.

Nan Thank goodness she didn't get too far this time and is safe. It must have been a horrendous couple of hours for you all and awful being so far away. It's never ending for you. Sending you love and I hope you manage to relax and enjoy being with your friend for the rest of your holiday - easier said than done I know x

Swatty Love your post. We lose ourselves in this illness along with our dc and restrict our lives so much so it feels great to do something normal and spontaneous sometimes.

Girliefriendlikespuppies

Lovely to hear things are going well for your dd ❤️

Thanks everyone. @Girliefriendlikespuppies - that sounds like great news about your DD. @SwattyPie You've made me really fancy an ice-cream!