Teen Eating Disorders Thread 7

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

We have managed to fill the previous Thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4471980-Teen-Eating-Disorders-Thread-6?page=40

So I thought I would start a new one.

Everyone supporting a young person with and ED is welcome here for advice (non professional but lived experience) and support.

Hoping everyone can find us...

Brilliant nan sometimes the threat is all they need to have that extra fight against anorexia, I hope it works!! How many calories is the current plan? If her heart is struggling it might need increasing a bit.

Without wanting to tempt fate things are feeling a lot easier here, dd eating what I give her (still leaves bits of food but I think that's habit) and is helping herself to the odd thing. Praying for a normal ish Christmas at last.

I'm feeling like I need to get a grip on my own eating habits though, my clothes are feeling so tight!! Having food in the house that I want dd to eat and help herself to (chocolate, crisps and biscuits) is a disaster for me who has zero will power!!

@Nan that’s good news hopefully that can help incentives eating my D also has low heart rate worked out last night the last 30 days she has spent 20 in hospital but as she had eaten more it has increased although still low but was your D an athlete as we have figured my Ds is naturally low so they are being less strict on admitting on her heart rate now as she is eating well and although still low 40s it is significantly higher than it was

@Girliefriendlikespuppies that’s great news ! I would say I know I’m the first to say pick you battles ! But a while back I spoke to someone on beat who had recovered and said you can’t fully recover without stamping out all ED behaviours every little thing that gives way to it strengths that neurons so she used the examples of not leaving anything on her plate for about a year before she was in a place to trust her self. My D always leaves something on her plate and it’s always the biggest battle getting her to eat that last bit!

I know what you mean about having all the food in ! Although after reading all about set point theory, HAES and Tabitha Farrah and Emily Spence I have actually realised I have some unhealthy eating habits and also outlooks on food which are not healthy, which I am incredibly guilty for and feel horrific as it no doubt effected my D and my other girls so I have tried to take a much bigger conscience effort to be more body confident and inclusive and counter out diet industry as much as possible and try and portray food as neither neutral. I have definitely gained weight but I think I was underweight before so hopefully if anything I can make sure I make a massive positive change in my outlook for my daughters.

my D is doing amazingly well i feel constantly on edge waiting for something to go wrong !

Love that's fab your dd is doing so well, I was wondering how you were getting on. My dd had to gain a fair bit of weight before her heart rate and bp came up to more normal levels, at the time I told myself hers was naturally low but can see now it was the ED keeping it lower than normal.

I think I'm too far down the line to start insisting she finishes everything now unfortunately, I wish I'd started off much stricter but we're nearly 3 years in now. She has recently started finishing drinks and also finishes her dinner most of the time. Breakfast and lunch seem to be more difficult. I know it's probably wishful thinking but I really think one day she'll just think fuck it and start eating everything but maybe that's naive.

Overall she is eating okay I think, large bowl of granola with ff milk for breakfast, morning snack a cereal bar, lunch is a tuna Mayo sandwich (thick bread) with a decent portion of Doritos, afternoon snack today was ice cream as she was a panto with her cousins, dinner was cheesy pasta with salmon and veg, evening snack was a large portion of chocolate.

This amount of food seems to maintain her weight as she's not obviously gained on it (clothes haven't changed) without knowing her weight it's difficult to be exact though! At a guess I reckon she's be around 105% wfh ish though.

Yes I'm really aware to be body positive around dd, I've definitely pushed my weight above where it has always naturally sat though and feel very unfit with it. I wouldn't ever restrict or comment in front of dd though. I just vent here as I know you all get it!

@Girliefriendlikespuppies no I completely get it! My younger daughter's friends are always over at our house as we are known for having all the best snacks! because we always have cakes etc at home.

is your D in a place she can serve herself as maybe if she served herself she may finish it all as she served it even if you are there ensuring it is an adequate portion

I was weighed at a Drs appointment Ystd so denial is definitely not an option anymore 😐 I've gained over a stone from when dd was first diagnosed and I probably had half a stone I could have done with loosing then!! Given diabetes runs in the family I do need to get a bit of a handle on it in a way that doesn't seem obvious to dd. Not going to do anything before Christmas though!!

After a good few days we're back to moodiness and reluctance to eat anything from dd. I feel myself getting so angry with her, does anyone else rant in their heads at their child?! I try really hard to remain calm in front of her but inside I'm raging!! I even had a dream the other night where I was shouting at her 😕

I think it's the fact that she just doesn't care how the ED effects my life or hers, she doesn't want to recover- never has- and it just infuriates me.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I know the feeling! All my clothes are tightening. The cupboards of full of snacks, my daily gym visits are now very rare - and DH actually has diabetes, but still ends up eating biscuits to encourage DD to eat snack. Well done for keeping the ranting in your head!

I think DD has done enough to stay out of hospital for Christmas (we'll see at extra obs session tomorrow)- but she's been paying a massive toll mentally - threw a glass jar across the kitchen yesterday, shattering everywhere, then tore the hangings off her walls and threw lamps, make-up, phone, and contents of drawers everywhere. Banging head on stone floor and walls, scratching herself. I often do feel furious with her when she says she doesn't want to recover - as you say - it's not just their life it affects. But now - as she is having to defy the ED - I can see it torturing her, and I just feel desperately sad for her.

Girliefriendlikespuppies I've had those dreams, some are really nasty and shocking. I guess it's the built up frustration coming out. I also have long winding conversations with dd in my head and I write out emails to her and delete them.

NanFlanders Sending you and your dd lots of love and I hope she stays out of hospital. Your situation sounds really hard. I hope you manage to take some time out to recharge yourself. We really do need to put ourselves first sometimes.

Christmas wise - I've not gone too mad with food this year. I've got some treats but I'm focused on keeping dds meal plan going with her favourite meals. She's been out a few times with friends and has been compensating a lot which is frustrating, but is happier when she's been out so it's a trade off of a few less cals but better MH. I have to keep telling myself not to stress and we'll get back on track after Christmas. She's still blanking us most of the time. I'm not expecting her to spend much time with is over Christmas. It's sad but there's no point in dwelling on it, it doesn't change anything.

Thanks so much to everyone here for all your support and advice this year. Wishing everyone the best Christmas possible, in all our different stages and circumstances of this illness.
I hope, in amongst all the difficult times, you find time and a bit of happiness for yourselves. Sending lots of love to your struggling dc and wishes for a happier and healthier 2023 💕

Well I cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve. I went out yesterday afternoon with a friend doing the Christmas Market and eating. It felt amazing to be out with someone who actually wanted to be with me. We had a lovely chat and I felt great when I got home.

But.. Dd wasn't happy that I let her alone 'all day' (4 hours), sent me a barrage of horrible messages and refused come out of her room all evening. I left her dinner outside her door, which she did eat thankfully.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty about doing something for myself but she made me feel so awful. The irony is she doesn't want to spend any time with me. I'd love to do something nice with her. If I'd stayed home she would have just avoided me.

The selfishness of this illness is really grinding me down.

Oh well. Brave face on for Christmas day and trying not to think of happy Christmas past. It's exhausting masking how depressed I feel to keep it happy for everyone else. Can't wait until its all over.

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat Big hugs. Hang on in there xxx

Hello everyone, so glad I found this thread. I took my 14 yr old to the GP on Thursday, due to his food restriction. He had all the tests and within a few hours he was admitted to hospital due to his weight, blood pressure and heart rate. I had to leave him there last night and take his presents up this morning and I’ve just come home to eat lunch with the rest of the family. I’m beside myself with worry. How did this happen? I knew he had lost weight but he’s so private, and wears suck baggy clothes it didn’t realise how bad it had got. I feel so, so guilty. He has been eaten less than 500 calories a day, and sometimes none. What happens now? I have had very little info apart from the re-feeding for the next two weeks in the hospital.

He is 6ft and under 9 stone. But ten main issues seems to be his heart rate, blood pressure, shortness of breath.

Hi Fluffle55
So sorry you find yourself here. Please try not to feel guilty. ED is sneaky by nature and most of us don't realise what's happening until they get quite ill. I've no experience (yet) with hospital as managed to keep my dd quite stabilised for now doing family based therapy, even though she's very underweight. I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon. Sending you love xx

Thank you NanFlanders. Next year will be much better I'm sure xx

Hi @Fluffle55. Welcome to the thread - sorry to hear about your DS. It's almost a year to the day that we realized our DD had an eating disorder, and - like your son - she was hospitalised a couple of days after seeing the hospital team. Don't feel guilty! No-one expects this and as @BagpussSaggyOldClothCat said, the illness makes them behave in sneaky ways. What happened next with us is that when DD was medically stable we started family-based therapy (FBT) which is the first line treatment in the UK. It's horrendously hard and you may find you or your partner (if applicable) have to stop work to support your son through 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, with weekly meetings at the hospital. You can claim DLA if you son is under 16 and PIP if they are older (regardless of your household income) - it takes a long time to process so start asap. Look at Eva Musby's You Tube channel and website for tips on how to make FBT work. There are also lots of resources on the Beat website, including free online live courses - would really recommend 'Developing Dolphins"
Keep checking in here - it's a lovely group with lots of helpful suggestions and support. Wishing you and your son all the very best.

Hi fluffles welcome to the thread although sorry you're here. You will need to spend the next two weeks reading up on family based treatment, it basically means that you will take full control of your sons meals, he has to eat what you give him and he must eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. You make all of the food related decisions, you do all the food shopping and all the food preparation.

It is a full time 24/7 job so you will have to get signed off work, at least initially.

It is very very hard going but has a decent success rate.

You will learn to separate the eating disorder from your son, the ED will kick of the more you threaten it and as awful as it sounds this is a good thing. You want the ED to feel threatened, the ED ultimately could kill your son. You have to learn to manage their distress and not back down or negotiate which as a parent goes against every instinct.

Eva Musby is a good read for beginners.

Thank-you so much everyone. What a horrific situation for us all to be in. I just keep looking at him and wishing he was 5 years old again. I will get a copy of Eva Musby, I have no idea what I am dealing with.

Hopefully fluffles the ED team will be supportive, how olds your ds? For some teens they end up with anorexia after going into calorie deficit and loosing weight, which for active teens is scarily easy to do. This means though that the most important factor for recovery is simply food and weight gain.

How is he doing in hospital? Is he eating what they're giving him?

Our Christmas so far has been good, first Christmas in three years which has felt fairly relaxed. Dd has eaten freely, helping herself to chocolate and Pringles! It's amazing really and I hope gives those of you still in the thick of it some hope.

@Fluffle55 How's your ds doing today?

Hi everyone - well, we've made it to the other side of what must be the toughest two days of the year for anyone with an ED. I hope you are all doing ok. We had quite a pleasant day yesterday, as we binned off the meal plan for the day. it showed she's not anywhere near able to make decisions for herself, but she had 3 small meals and 2 small snacks, so it could have been worse. It was also like having my DD back, as she found her voice, socialised with extended family for a few hours, and even ate at the table with DH and me (all other family shipped out elsewhere for dinner). Still, back on the plan today, and back to no words and general sadness. I'm steeling myself for January kick back as we're going to have to start challenging things here. Still, one day at a time. How did everyone else get on? From what I've read online, I feel like I'm the only one that abandoned the meal plan for Xmas day. We got it back though, so I'm pleased i did it.

DS is 14. He has eaten everything they have given him but is so terrified of gaining weight. He has been having less than 500cals a day for months. It’s a bit all over the shop, he’s on a peads ward with a lot of babies and no ED team at the moment, probably tomorrow. It’s all so surreal. It really helps reading everyone’s posts, and thanks for checking in.

A very quiet Christmas. Dd was in her room the whole time. It took her until midday to open her presents as she wouldn't come out of her room so I took them to her. I saw a small glimmer of the old dd as she happily opened them, then the wall came back down. I relented and let her have Christmas dinner in her room but she ate the lot and even had a small slice of cake in the evening.

Dh was very upset in the evening remembering Christmas past. I just felt numb. It feels like we've lost dd but she's still here. Thinking about getting most of the decs down today to put Christmas behind us.

A photo of last year's boxing day came up on Facebook memories yesterday of Dd cuddled up with her grandparents. She wouldn't see them this year. They're really struggling with missing her too, especially as FIL is very ill. I'm dreading him passing away.

Such a hideous illness.

My sympathies for those surviving Christmas in the throes of this illness. I remember 2020 very well when DD was first diagnosed. It was v tough. We went off plan too just to try to have as normal a day as poss for my 2 DS's
This Xmas has been totally different for us. Dd is recovered and totally independent. She ate well and has even started her chocolate which is a new... it was a thing she had still not gone back to. So even the fact she has had some off her own back is a win.
Hope this gives you some hope..
Sorry to hear about your DS @Fluffle55 that sounds v scary. It is v usual to be worried about gaining weight. We used blind weighing once a week and didn't tell DD her weight. In fact we didn't comment at all about weight but used terms like 'getting stronger'. If she asked after weigh ins I just said something like ' things are on track' whether she had gained or not. Hoping you can use the time whsilt your DS is in hospital to read up on family based therapy.
Beat is a great charity with lots of info. You can send off for their pack.
There is also a useful Facebook group Edsuk which has many knowledgeable people on it.

Fluffles* I agree with lots* re blind weighing, I wish wish wish I'd insisted dd was as blind weighed from the very beginning. She started off on the meal plan so well when first diagnosed but completely freaked when she realised she'd gained weight.

It put us back at least a year imo and served absolutely no benefit. After that I insisted she was blind weighed and we did start to make some progress although it's taken until now (nearly 3 years in) to shake some of the behaviours off.

The EDSUK fb page has changed recently and im not a fan of the new way it's being run tbh, they only allow admin to comment. That said for parents new to EDs there's a wealth of info in the files to get you started.

Dd did so well Ystd, I'm so proud of her. She cleared her plate and helped herself to extra food. I think having food out in front of her on coffee tables etc has helped her being able to just help herself. Praying it continues!

@Girliefriendlikespuppies so pleased to hear your DD was able to eat well and freely over Xmas Yay!!!
I didn't know the FB page had changed. That's a shame as I found it helpful. They were quite full on but it gave me courage to be a bit like that myself....

@Girliefriendlikespuppies and @Lottsbiffandsmudge that’s amazing news on both your Ds doing so well I know it sounds so cheesy but the best moment of my whole Christmas was when my D asked for more stuffing and ate it !

similar to @SwattyPie we went off plan which tbh wasn’t the best move and D said the next day she hated it because she felt so lost and unsettled and she didn’t eat as much as normal overall in the day but one day it’s ok and she was eager to get back to day to day routine not just eating more just more structure ( she doesn’t do lazing about 😂) however I think it is more an autism thing

@Fluffle55 i am sorry your son is unwell, it’s both a horrible and amazing group to be part of so welcome. I would echo what others have said we don’t say weight gain we normal say restoration and not calories but nutrition. Also highly recommend blind weighing. My D was in hospital a lot of the last 3 months so if you have any questions I will try and help one thing I would advise is advocating for an ED dietician for a meal plan as soon as the risk of reefeeding is gone because I found the generic nhs meal plans and meals were inadequate

Also on the Facebook I tried to join but they wanted to video call me and with one thing and another uni never got round to finding a free moment is it worth pursuing @Girliefriendlikespuppies anf @Lottsbiffandsmudge