teen eating issues support thread

[myrtleWilson]

Hello,
would anyone be interested in joining a thread to support each other as we support teens with eating disorders @MNHQ - I'm tagging you in as am conscious of triggering issues and wanted your ok/ground rules to such a thread..

Happy to share our story with DD if others would feel it is helpful...

Hello Myrtle,
I am a bit worried about your daughter's red rash - it can be because the blood vessels are starting to break down. If she isn't eating at all or you are worried I would take her to A&E again. Camhs say that if they miss 3 meals (or snacks) we should go.
I think you need to talk to the school about where she should start. Maybe with her favourite subject or favourite teacher. Sometimes schools don't quite get it so you have to be really clear about what you expect. Mine didn't realise that if DD didn't eat her snack they had to let me know.
I started omega 3 capsules along with the vitamins and also probiotics. I figured her brain needed as much support as it could get.
She didn't like the probiotics and stopped taking them.

Some people externalise their ED, but others don't. I think of it as a kind of alien taking over my daughter (i like star trek!) and she can't help herself. It is so tough though and I used to cry all the time.

Food is so hard. You can't make them eat. We did distraction (cat videos and after we had to go and watch something comforting like the good place) to keep her calm.

Hi grey
*
Day* they wouldn't tell your dd to stay off school lightly, I think there is a risk that as parents we might try and minimise how serious the illness is, as much for our own anxiety as anything else. I used to tell myself that as long as dd ate once a day she'd be okay, this was obviously nonsense and physically she was in a dreadful state. The Eva Musby book has lots of advice on getting them to the dinner table and literally gives you scripts on what to say to get them to eat.

The first week with my dd was the worst, I set times for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner and snack. The expectation was she would have to eat at those times. Dd was banned from the kitchen and was not allowed to ask about the food/ingredients etc. In theory you are meant to insist they eat everything on their plate however I played this by ear and would let some things go. To me it's about winning the war not necessarily every battle.

My dd was very resistant and resorted to head banging a few times which was awful but I stayed calm and persistent 'you have to eat this/ this is exactly the right amount/ this is what you need' on repeat.

If any of you watch Stranger things I liken the anorexia to Will being possessed by the alien, you have to make life so uncomfortable for it eventually it will give up and leave. You have to cope with your child's distress and anxiety and know that the distress and anxiety won't hurt them but the anorexia can kill them!

You also need to start ensuring every single bit of food is maximum calories, we are going through tons of butter and double cream, it is added to everything!!!

Day can you get signed off work, honestly refeeding your dd will be all consuming and a full time job. She will need constant supervision.

I was signed off for 4 weeks....

Well we had 800g weight loss this week but avoided re-admission. Therapy went well a>gain - but it is such a battle isn't it - fighting an enemy that has taken control of someone you love more than anything. We know that ultimately the anorexia's ultimate endgame (in terms of desire) is death - through starvation, through organ failure or suicide. As @greygirl said making the anorexia so uncomfortable it gives up is our goal but its hard when the anorexia switches between bullying its 'host' to being the 'host's' best friend...

@DayB1Day am glad someone is at home - we've managed by re-jiggling workloads but it is brutal...

Not for the first time since 6th September when I started this thread I am incredibly grateful to everyone who posts on it.

You might find it easier to be at home for a bit as well Day it's mentally exhausting trying to get someone to eat. Do you and your dh agree on the approach to getting your dd to eat? Eva Musby talks about 'clearing the decks' which basically means cancelling everything and the only focus is getting them through meal and snack times.

In some ways not having a partner was I imagine easier as dd couldn't play one off against the other but it was hard not having someone to take some of the load.

I'm sorry your dd lost a bit more weight myrtle has a specialist inpatient unit been suggested? I think for some kids they need that structure and formality to get them eating and their brains working again.

I watched Googlebox tonight and one of the blokes on there mentioned about avocados being full of fat 😫😫😫 Dd straight away asked if that was true, I know getting her to eat avocado now will be a battle.

Hey @DayB1Day - no, in our experience they don't ditch you if you don't follow the plan... For us there is the ever present worry/threat of being re-admitted to hospital... but they (CAMHS) are also offering up different therapeutic options - discussed as part of our weekly family therapy. We also have a weekly call with the dietician... Is this level of support available to you?

They def should not ditch you day like I said before I used to not worry too much about individual battles if I felt over all I was winning the war. That's great you managed breakfast and lunch, are you attempting snacks as well? Just keep going, keep putting the food down, keep persevering, your dd needs and wants you (deep down) to be stronger than the anorexia. If she throws the food over you/your dh, don't get angry or give up. Go back out and plate up more food for her. Some days just getting them to the table and sitting next to the food is the victory. Keep telling your dd you can see how hard it is for her but that this is exactly what she needs and what she has to eat.

We've had a few small victories which is giving me a glimmer of hope. We are out tonight, dd ate all the meal and (after some resistance) all the pudding (even the bit she tried to hide under her spoon!)

We got home late and I told her we wouldn't be walking the dog (he's had a lot of exercise today) this has been a strict part of dds routine for months and she uses it as an excuse to do extra exercise. She started to kick up a fuss but backed down fairly quickly, then told me she wouldn't have her evening snack I told her that she would. She grumbled a bit but to my amazement ate it!!

This isn't a stealth post but just to hopefully give you hope that all the stress and heartache in the early days is finally (crosses everything) starting to pay off.

1000 calories would be low enough to admit her, admission will be based on your dds state of mind plus her physical health, so if her pulse/bp/bloods are abnormal. My dd was eating around 1000 calories a day to begin with and was nearly admitted as her pulse went down to 40bpm 😕

As far as I can see family therapy is the parents taking on and understanding their role in refeeding, unless I've misunderstood! That's all it meant in our case anyway.

Therapy/counselling is pointless as your dd is too unwell, it's a bit like an alcoholic going for therapy while they're drunk - it won't work until they're sober!!

Day have you ordered the Eva Musby book, I know I keep harping on about it but I had so many light bulb moments reading it!! She gives loads of strategies to get them to eat.

My dd also has sensory issues and is on the pathway to an ASD diagnosis.

I'm not sure what you mean 'without family based therapy' unless you're saying you don't think you and your dh can get her to eat? I understand it feels impossible at the moment but you can do it, honestly you can. You have to believe it though and you have to have absolute confidence that you can succeed, even if you have to fake it!

Like I said before I really think you'd do better if you get signed off work for a couple of weeks to get you started. Plan nothing else other than getting your dd to eat.

If your dd had cancer and was refusing chemo because of a needle phobia you wouldn't (I assume) give up and say 'well we can't force you' and keep working. It's the same with anorexia, the stakes are very high and food is the chemo she needs.

Be strong, be persistent, don't be phased by your dds distress. She has a phobia of food and like with any phobia gradually exposing her will lessen the fear.

The advice is put the food in front of her, sit with her, be calm and empathetic but firm. Do not get into any conversation about the food, keep repeating 'this is the right amount/this is exactly what you need'

I say to dd 'start with one mouthful and let's see how it goes' if they start eating talk about anything other than food, distract them from thinking about it.

I took dds phone off her for the first few days and she got it back at the end of the day if I felt like she'd made a good effort with eating. It wasn't meant as a punishment but more a reward/motivation to eat. Once the routine is established (and if your dd is anything like my ASD dd routine is everything) I didn't need to take her phone.

Be prepared for swearing/shouting/crying/drama/head banging and do not react to it. It's the anorexia not them. Someone said it's good if you see this behaviour, you have to see the monster to slay it. I was told to fuck off and die every meal time from my dd, I still sat there, told her I loved her and that she needed to eat.

This thread mysteriously disappeared from my Threads I'm On for some reason, and I feel bad, because I want to give all the support I can

Dd1 (in recovery now) has ASD and multiple sensory issues, but what ultimately worked for her was externalising the ED and characterising it as a hostile entity that wanted to befriend her - as she is generally unimpressed with humanity, this really struck a chord with her

Myrtle's words about the ultimate endgame of anorexia being death, however achieved, are powerful and true

I think (I hope) dd2 has worked this out for herself and might accept help now

Can I ask how you all manage your own mental health (no question mark, as my keyboard is defective) After seven years of it with dd1, and finally seeming to have conquered it, I just can't seem to cope now that dd2 is under the cosh I keep watching 'Anne with an E' and collapsing in tears because the lead actress looks so much like dd2 before she succumbed - not just the looks but the bright-eyed vitality

I can't stand the thought of never seeing her again

We will see them again - we have to believe it to you all

(And I may have taken )

Day she will budge, she won't/can't survive on 1000 calories for the rest of her life. You have to believe that she is stronger than the anorexia.

My mental health has taken a battering throughout this, Ive cried more in the last 6 months than in the previous 6 years!! For me stopping work for a bit helped as I absolutely could not manage both things. Talking to family and friends and walking the dog (our dog is like a therapy dogs for me and dd!) helped.

I also found reading the Eva Musby book and spending time on the FEAST website helped me feel less alone and gave me confidence in how to deal with it.

It's been the hardest time I've had parenting in dds 14 years of life and there have been some hard times before including dd being seriously unwell with flu when she was 10yo and being in ITU for a few days.

Occasional glimpses of the real dd will shine through and that always gives me a boost to keep going.