Parents of children with very low weight/anorexia, support

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Am Inthe only one?

I've looked on b:eat and there are no support groups for carers in my area. Am I the only one who could do with a thread where we can support one another here on Mumsnet?

Poppy I can relate that, I couldn't believe she'd lost weight either.

I used to be obese and have gradually lost weight over the years..just a few more Kg to a BMI of 20 or so.

Today I've had one slice of peanut butter on toast and a big mug of tea. A beef and salad and prawn sandwich. A small flapjack. Big mug of tea. For dinner, we each had a baked fillet of chicken, vegetables baked with oil and spicy sauce and a small portion of mixed rice/grains. (MiniWildThing had some dried fruit as pudding, to introduce the idea.) I did an 8 minute workout and a lot of driving.

DD pretty much done for the day...1424 cals, really struggled . Camhs tomorrow

I've just read this thread from start to finish and I'm feeling sick with fear. My DD is 17 and has had eating difficulties for years - eating very little then binging, going on 'proana' websites and weighing herself a lot etc but through it all her weight hasn't changed much - she is currently underweight but not much. I've tried to get her to get help over the years but she completely refuses. She took an overdose last year and dropped out of sixth form, then this year we had several months of serious self harm. She did finally agree to see Camhs and now has a one to one session once a fortnight and is on prozac for depression. We seem to have got through each crisis and the self harm has stopped but now she has stopped eating completely ( a different form of self harm I guess). She ate nothing for four days, had a day where she ate loads of rubbish, and has now stopped eating again (two days so far). Because she is 17 it is difficult to insist on anything. Also because she has been suicidal previously I am terrified of confronting her. We had a long conversation this evening where I managed to keep calm. She cried a bit but insisted she didn't have a problem and was just fasting to see how it felt. I have no idea how to deal with this. Think I will phone her counsellor tomorrow but apart from that am at a loss. One minute I think I need to step in and take control (though I don't know what that would mean in practice) and the next minute I think I should just try to support her to make the right decisions herself. Anyone able to give me any words of advice?

clare I'm new to all of this, stick on this thread, loads of advice and support.
Dd had a "good" eating day yesterday. Back to Gp tonight. Hope she eats her lunch at school, no wraps in our fridge so she made a sandwich with bread really hop it's not just for show, suspect it might be .

Clare, like Dry Im new to this but things are moving quickly for us.

Could you go and see your doctor for advice

Clare welcome! Have been through similar with DD1 (sh and then the ed).

Being gentle, calm and kind works wonders. It helps them to feel heard and to trust and open up. Put your own worries to one side too (I know it can be hard) or you can't listen effectively. DD1 and I were just chatting about that and she said if I'm tetchy/bossy/insistent it just serms like I'm not listening or empathic and I'm treating her like rubbish. So she'll ignore me and pretend she's good and fine. Well done on staying calm!

Yes do phone her counsellor and ask about ED assessment for her.

I couldn't have stepped in and taken control of what DD ate until she was ready to get professional help and she heard it from them that I was in charge of her food to help her gain weight. She had to hear she was ill from school and her sports club and her friends before she would accept help.

If your DD can get professional help for her disordered thinking before she loses too much weight it might be something she can do without your help or too much intrusive intervention, just with specialist counselling to help her manage it all. That might be enough incentive for her to talk to them.

Dry good luck tonight for you both!

CalmIt all the best for you and your DD at your appointment today too.

Thanks peace, you have no idea how much your sensible and kind words help. Have taken the day off work as I had a sleepless night and I need to get back to feeling calm which work won't help with. Am about to phone her care co-ordinator now. Will let you know how I get on. I'm usually a very supportive person but right now all I can think about is my daughter and my family so apologies if I seem a bit self obsessed and not thoughtful towards others.

Funnily enough I wrote a reply to you last night which was full on wallowing self pity. By the time Id deleted all the bits that were too personal to share, there wasn't a lot left!

I spoke to her care co-ordinator who went a bit head girl on me and made me cry! She said it's ultimatum time - either DD starts eating by tomorrow or we stop all activities including Saturday job and she gets referred to ED clinic for urgent assessment. Have just told DD who has stubbornly said she won't go for ED assessment and is now in room. Have checked to see she is alive and am now going to do my very best to leave her alone. Something I find hard to do. Am hoping she will have some kind of epiphany.

Clare i feel very similar. Finding it hard to leave DD alone, she actually commented today that she is sick of talking about food, but it's so hard not to when you're so worried. I also feel as if I'm neglecting friends and family because this is taking up all my headspace. Actually feel quite exhausted by it all.

So GP appointment was pointless really. She had to see a different GP long story, rubbish appointment booking system at our surgery . She liked this Dr better, basically because the Dr unlike the original was "nicer" and basically told her her BMI wasn't that bad for a girl her age. She came out almost annoyed with me, as if I've been exaggerating it all.
It's hard not going in with her because I have no info at all.
Has she put on any weigh? She was 2lb heavier than on Saturday, but it's the end of the day and I've been weighing her first thing.
Am hoping the Teenaged Mental health unit assessment might be more helpful. Will they feedback to me? Do I let her go in alone?

However.....she bounded in from school announcing "I want to get better" had a bowl of granola and a slice of chocolate cake . She said it was a comment on anorexia possibly affecting her fertility longterm that hit a nerve. I'll remain sceptical, wonder whether she was just loading up before the GP.

Such a complicated illness. You end up being suspicious and sceptical all the time.

Dry - I know what you mean about the sceptical. I am thinking back to all the 'sensible' comments she's made about eating disorders in the past and how I allowed myself to stick my head in the sand and pretend my DD was too sensible to fall into it. She had a call from work offering her an extra day this afternoon and I've had to explain again that she won't be going to work if she doesn't start eating. I don't think she believed me before. She is now lying on her bed not moving and had refused to come down to tea. There is a bit of me that feels if I'd said nothing she would have come round and started eating again in her own time and I feel like we've stepped over a threshold that we can never go back through. I am so close to tears that I don't know how I'm going to get through the night. And this is the first time I've really confronted it - how on earth do you keep going day after day?
I really hope your DD has seen things from a new angle. Even if she thinks she's saying it to fool you maybe a little bit of it will stick in her head?

Clare I just lost it. Served her a small portion of chicken casserole with brown rice. She eats so slowly, picked out all the chicken, tapping the pieces to get rice off then said she was so full she felt sick, went upstairs.
Ended up with my saying "well it's up to you, I can't be the bad guy every meal time, you said you want to get better, you know what you have to do"and leaving the room.
Heard her go back to finish it off.
She's now in the shower.
I'm in the room next door hoping shes not being sick.
I've had it easy with my dcs.....until now.

Doesn't sound like you lost it too badly - I've been sitting here thinking of the things I might say if I lose it tonight and I'm imagining some really terrible things I might say - I'm so angry along with the worry it's putting me off going in to see how she is in case I can't keep it in.
What you said was true even if you wish you hadn't. I think if you always hold it together you'd start to sound like a therapist instead of a parent - when you lose it at least they know you care. It's only half eight. Feeling like the longest evening ever.

Clare my heart really does go out to you.

My heart goes out to everyone here. It's so hard when they won't cooperate.

CalmIt how did the appointment go?

apologies for the self indulgent rant but I just cannot offer any advice or suggestions now I am in this place.

The appointment went ok, was told she needed to increase, no surprise there. Yesterday she managed 7oo cals, today, shes not eaten. I left at 5.15am to collect uni daughter, returned 1.3o , reminded dd to eat before she went out, she came back half six "forgot" to have lunch.

Im done.

posted too soon, assuming she eats what she finds acceptable, the count for today will be 271 cals.....hospital here we come!

I'm really having similar difficulties with DD1. She's eating just about enough to keep her weight low, at about 75% - 78% of what it should be.

At least you got to the appointment, Calmit. I keep turning up late to things, and I wrote today's appointment down wrong and turned up 2 hours late. X(

You're not done. She may well go to hospital but that's not the end.

Calmit "apologies for the self indulgent rant but I just cannot offer any advice or suggestions now I am in this place."

I'm in this place too. Feeling very sorry for myself having spent most of last night in hospital as DD has only eaten once in the last nine days. Sent to the wrong place initially and when I left in tears the nurse phoned my GP and accused me of shouting at her! More tears then of course! Anyway, the only positive thing about an eight hour wait in hospital is that DD did start to talk a little. We now have a referral to the ED clinic for Wednesday. My entire life now revolves around how many bites of toast and teaspoons of natural yogurt I can get into my DD. One day I hope I'll be able to be more supportive to all you lovely people but right now I'm afraid it's all about me. Sorry.

clare this is the one place you can rant surely

How's everyone been today? We haven't had nearly so bad a day as I was expecting and at least the ED clinic assessment isn't far off (Wednesday). Hope others have had a peaceful day.

Yesterday was not great. A whole series of disasters culminating in DD 2 not eating any dinner at all. Today has been better, but weekend mealtimes take far too long!

DD taken into hospital via A & E, been a long night.

calmit sorry it came to that, hope you got/get some rest when possible, I found the whole thing absolutely terrifying but looking back it was the beginning of a very long (and bumpy) turning point

thinking of you and your daughter x

I'm glad to find this thread as I don't have much support irl especially stupid people telling me children will eat when they're hungry. Our issues aren't as serious as some of you but I suspect we're on a slippery slope. My 12yo DS1 doesn't have anorexia but his eating is pretty disordered.i don't think the health professionals take his issues seriously because he's a boy so he doesn't fit their view of eating disorders. The dietitian gave him some high calorie supplements but he won't take those either.